Sometimes I forget how far I have come since struggling with an eating disorder.
From the age of 11 until 25 I fought the battle. A battle I thought I would never be free from.
Many times, I gave up and I accepted my fate. I told myself that I would, for the rest of my life, have this struggle with food, my body, and myself. I would always count calories. I would always cringe when I looked at my body in a mirror. I would always obsess. I would always binge.
And I would always be hungry.
Other people could eat enough food, but I was somehow different from them and less deserving.
Many times, I actually tricked myself into thinking that I actually wanted this way of life. Because the alternative, was foreign. And really scary.
And fattening.
But I was wrong.
I couldn’t wake up and eat breakfast like other people did (did they really?, I would wonder). I wasn’t like them.
But I was wrong.
For years and years, my breakfast consisted of nothing.
I couldn’t eat until after my workout was complete. I wasn’t like other people who could wake up and eat breakfast. I had to earn it first.
After my workout my breakfast consisted of this:
I could rattle off the nutritional information of an apple to you as if I was reciting the letters of the alphabet. I could for most foods actually. It was rare when I didn’t know the nutritional profile of a food. All of my thoughts were preoccupied by this.
Now, I’m not knocking the delicious apple here. It really is a great snack. For my active lifestyle, it simply wasn’t close to being enough fuel for my body.
I was hungry all morning long. I yawned a lot. No amount of sleep can cure an empty stomach.
When I decided that being miserable was getting old and I wanted to recover, breakfast was still the most difficult meal for me to eat. I managed to increase my food intake later on in the day, but for some reason it was so hard for me to have a healthy and filling breakfast.
Little by little, I managed to get past my breakfast fear. Green Monsters were a huge part of getting over this fear.
For once in my life, I had fun with breakfast. I was experimenting and making all kinds of crazy concoctions. I felt great. I had tons of energy and I was excited for breakfast again. My breakfasts have gone from being a small snack to a filling and healthy meal.
For breakfast this morning, I enjoyed Chocolate Pumpkin Vegan Overnight Oats!
Want to know another awesome benefit of adding pumpkin to your Vegan Overnight Oats?
It adds a ton of volume!
When I add pumpkin, I increase the volume by at least 30-40%. Pumpkin is also high in Vitamin A, C, Iron, and has 3.5 grams of fibre per 1/2 cup.
In this mix = 1/3 cups oats, 1.25 cups Almond Milk, 1/2 cup pumpkin, 1.5 tbsp chia seeds, 1 pinch pumpkin pie spice, 1/2 serving Amazing Grass Chocolate Amazing Meal Power.
Toppings included = Cranberries, unsweetened coconut, and 1/2 tbsp coconut butter mixed with 1/2 tbsp pure maple syrup.
Healthy fuel for a busy day ahead! :)
Have you ever dramatically changed the way you eat such as by increasing/decreasing your intake, switching to a new eating lifestyle, or breaking out of a rut?
I’m making the change, gradually, and my DH is joining me. It’s definitely a process, but we’re actually having a lot of fun trying new foods and recipes and thinking about how to eat real food instead of processed crap. This morning we had VOO for the first time, and we loved it! Easy, filling, tasty – perfect.
Two years ago I did a diet program and I lost some weight on it, but I was hungry ALL THE TIME and it wasn’t sustainable. Now I’m focusing on fitness and eating well rather than the number on the scale, but it’s hard sometimes to break out of the mindset that I should be punished for eating, or that food (any food) has to be earned.
Your positive mindset is really encouraging!
Just in the past few months my eating has drastically changed for the better. About a year and a half ago I started reducing my calorie intake, but it wasn’t until this spring that my total love of fruits and veggies began. In a matter of a month or two I went from eating a small salad with just lettuce and tomato with my veggie-less dinner to having a GIANT salad with every veggie (and some fruit) in my fridge and some toast on the side. My pasta is not more veggies than pasta. It still amazes me that 80% of the things I eat now I would never have eaten a year ago. It didn’t take me long to realize how amazing fruits and veggies make me feel and as soon as I did I never wanted to go back!
I fell like i have accepted that I will always obsess, binge, and never be free from constantly judging myself. I am so tired and worn down but can’t seem to let it go.
This post gives me some hope but i just don’t know if I’ll ever break free.
Does anyone have suggestions on how to comfort yourself and deal with anxiety and loneliness without binging?
Thanks for the support!
I’m exactly like you – I’ve accepted that life will probably never be free of binging, with the added hell of purging to “erase” the 10,000+ calories of that binge. I’m so bored and lonely that eating is the only thing alleviates those discomforts. I’ve been to many therapists, groups, etc, and still can’t break free. If only all those suggestions that are out there actually worked for me. Somehow listening to music, dancing, knitting, crafting, talking on the phone to a friend, reading, watching a movie, and all the millions of other activities don’t appeal to me as much as eating does. I’ve even left parties where there’s plenty going on and people to socialize with just to go home and binge alone. It’s so sad.
I can only hope that you find your way out. It seems that so many people have that I’m sure you can, too. It’s a matter of finding what motivates and works for you. However, I fear I’m pretty much doomed forever.
I also have BED and can relate to what you’re saying. It’s so isolating and lonely! I have just started seeing a counsellor who helps in these specific EDs and while it’s only been a month, she has gotten me to do a few activities that help a little. You might like to try?
One of them is as soon as you have a binge, write a few paragraphs down of exactly your thoughts at that time, while you’re angry or shameful at yourself. Be totally honest (lots of awful things may come out). The leave it and walk away. Come back the next day when you are in a better frame of mind and read it while writing next to it what you would say if your best friend said those things about herself. Apparently if you do this a few times a week you can being to undo the through patterns that are so ingrained in us.
Hugs!!
I’m struggling with this right now. I think I have come a far way since I have been able to admit that I’m in a vicious and unhealthy cycle. This is a step in the right direction for me.
Thanks for the story. You’re awesome and inspire me :)
hey angela!
it’s so great that you overcame your ED. i have struggled with an ED over the past couple of years, and haven’t fully recovered. I too still regress into bingeing/starving episodes. I was curious how you (angela and other readers) overcame your ED? i’m looking for guidance in a very frustrating, confusing time. thanks so much!
Jul, I keep going back and forth between a really healthy mindset and a really negative one that leads to months of cyclical, unbalanced starving and bingeing. When I’m in a healthy (though they’re short) phase, I have found a couple odd reasons how it’s come about. I tend to have way higher self esteem when I have been getting enough sleep, and exercise in fresh air. Everyone is different and your body might need one thing more than another, and for me, the catalyst for everything is sleep- if I’m not getting enough, I am hungrier, but moodier, and too tired to work out well, and so I stop eating, but then binge. It’s a bad cycle and it mostly starts with getting enough sleep for me! You should look at the patterns you go through to see what the most important health thing is for you- drinking water, exercise, sleep, veggies, meditation, whatever. That might help, at least I hope it does! good luck!
Hi Angela! I started reading your blog a few weeks ago, and I must tell you how much it has changed my perspective on eating and body image. Honestly, all the food blogs I have been reading the past year have helped, but I think yours truly hits me the most since I have suffered from disordered eating. I still weight every morning and count calories, but I am starting to not care as much as I used to… and a lot of this has to do with your blog and your journey on overcoming your ED. I respect you so much for sharing your experience, and I am definitely taking steps toward giving up control of my calorie counting. Like you said, I am scared of the unknown + of the possible weight gain, but I know I eat healthy on a regular basis and work out pretty hard most days of the week. I know I just need to let myself be free from it, but again, I am scared. But, I hope + pray that I will soon get the courage to let go. Thank you again for your wonderful blog + sharing your experiences!
I actually had a similar problem for a few years in college. After gaining weight during my sophomore year, I dramatically lowered my calorie intake, lost a lot of weight, and was tired all the time. I still find myself counting calories but I have recovered a great deal since then. Now I can’t imagine starting off my morning with out a hearty breakfast!
My eating habits have changed for the better. I didn’t eat breakfast at all through out college (unless you count a coffee and an occasional bagel). Then at lunch I would eat huge sandwiches. It was so unbalanced. Now I eat more frequent well balanced meals. I never get super hungry and I make better food choices as a result.
Great post Angela. I am so happy you wrote about this. You have actually been the one to inspire me to start eating larger breakfasts to fuel my day. I, just like you, used to really restrict in the mornings. I would try to keep my breakfasts between 150-200 calories. I would have just a little packet of oatmeal (~130 cals, depending on flavour), and MAYBE half a banana if I was feeling little hungrier. Somehow Ithought this would hold me over until lunch. I always wondered why I was so sluggish and irritable in the mornings.
Now, after reading your blog for over a year, along with a few others who eat large breakfasts, breakfast has now become my favourite meal of the day! I loveeee big bowls of VOO, oatmeal, green monsters, toast with peanut butter, etc. Now my breakfasts averagearound 400 cal, and sometmes that isn’t even enough to keep me going. I am so so happy I am finally starting to listen to my body and hunger, and am starting to not be afraid of eating. Thanks so much Angela.
Chelsea
This time last year, actually, I was developing the same thought process you once had.
I had JUST started really working out and getting into fitness..and from there my mind became filled with calorie counts. No matter what I ate (an apple, an orange) I HAD to know the exact amount of calories. And if I did “well” during the day..i’d binge on junk food at friends parties at night. I also ate the same thing for breakfast every morning…1 poached egg, 1 piece of whole grain toast and a sprinkle of cheese. I didn’t eat this because it was delicious (although it is!) but because it was LOW CALORIE.
Now i’ve eaten a giant beautiful bowl of oatmeal almost every morning this summer…and love it. :)
I can’t say that I still don’t think about calories…and still don’t binge by mistake..but I’m much, much better than I was. I don’t have a cup of tea for a snack and call it a day anymore. I have a LARGE appetite, and i’ll fuel it the right way !
I’ve learned a lot about nutrient-dense food this year, partly from your blog! I switched to almond milk after realizing that dairy milk makes my pms worse. That was a good change.
I’m eating oats right now. Do you ever add molasses? It’s full of healthy minerals and tastes like fall. A molasses spice glow bar would be pretty yummy too…
oooh – good idea! I might add molasses to my oats tomorrow morning!
Congratulations Ange – you’ve come SO far! Even though I didn’t know you in your ED days, I’ve read your posts about them and I think it’s awesome how your outlook is so different now. You should be so proud of yourself!
I used to be in a big breakfast rut before I started blogging and literally ate the same thing every day. I eventually got bored, and after having read a few blogs (and oggled numerous photos of your ridiculously delicious looking oats!) I finally put a stop to the monotony and started eating other things. Before, I was a calorie counter but didn’t take into account the fact that because I work out early in the morning, THAT’S when my body needs the most fuel! Now I thoroughly enjoy my big breakfasts which typically consist of some sort of cereal/yogurt/fruit combo or oats with interesting new toppings, and green monsters/smoothies galore!
My biggest change is watching out for “diet” foods. I noticed recently how they really mess with my hunger intuition. A few days of diet sodas and low-cal processed snacks will make me ravenously munchy! I found that by eating real food, I can listen to my real hunger cues and maintain a healthy weight without the stress of calorie counting or dieting.
Thank you for this post. I am still struggling with not binging on the weekends. I hope to come as far as you…I’m working towards it slowly.
Your honesty in this post is so admirable! I think once we can learn to discuss EDs, food, our bodies, and nutrition, the easier it becomes to face the truth and make positive changes. This is a process I’m currently struggling with and I realize it may get easier but it will never stop being a part of who I am. I’m a semi-new reader to your blog and keep coming back because I enjoy your posts for being informative and helpful, but not too extreme! Striking a balance when it comes to our bodies is tough and the more I can learn about other women walking that line, the more confident I feel when faced with making my own food-related choices! Thank you for being such a positive role model.
PS – I’ve converted to the Green Monster movement and LOVE IT. I’m not sure how I survived without those concoctions before.
Hi Angela!
well, I suppose it is about time I comment since I have been reading for a bit now! I just want to say you are incredible to be so honest and REAL! I am a private trainer in LA and many woman struggle with their bodies, body image, weight, food intake. I have always been lucky to not have issues with food and my body and that is why I have the passion to help others. Breakfast should be the best part of your day and I wish everyone knew that! As sad as it is to see, there can be a turnaround, just took at you:) Thanks for giving woman all around a piece of your light! BTW, we have so much in common, I look forward to sharing our insights in the future…
I went through a similar situation when I was younger. I would not let myself eat breakfast. I, like you, made myself work out as much as possible so that later in the day I could have a meal, err, small snack. I was miserable, but once I decided I was going to get healthy (and “healthy” had to take on a new meaning other than skinny in my mind) I began to add food to my diet. I found I also struggled with breakfast still though. Even though I had added food to later in my day I still made myself work for my breakfast. I has taken me until two years ago when I turned 25 to realize that breakfast could be filling and healthy. I now enjoy creating new things for breakfast and I look foward to starting my day off right!
I always eat breakfast. I learned a long time ago my body needed the fuel or I’d never get anything done!
thank you so much, angela for being so open and honest. you are a true inspiration.
i can so relate to your story that you shared. been there. still on the journey, although i have made a lot of progress in the last 6 months. i remember at one time i wouldn’t let myself have anything except diet coke before 1:30 pm – after a huge morning workout – and then only veggies. thank goodness i’ve come a long way since then! and i look forward to more progress! small steps! :) thanks so much to everyone who has shared comments, too. very helpful.
I think it’s important that anyone who has recovered from an eating disorder never forget where we came from, because the nature of the disease is that it can be all to easy to drift back. It’s SO HOPEFUL to read your posts about what life with food can be like. I recently regained a healthy body weight by eating nutrient and calorie dense food….oh the avocados and larabars that were consumed. But now I am striving for a healthy balance, and I do BELIEVE that’s possible!