Sometimes I forget how far I have come since struggling with an eating disorder.
From the age of 11 until 25 I fought the battle. A battle I thought I would never be free from.
Many times, I gave up and I accepted my fate. I told myself that I would, for the rest of my life, have this struggle with food, my body, and myself. I would always count calories. I would always cringe when I looked at my body in a mirror. I would always obsess. I would always binge.
And I would always be hungry.
Other people could eat enough food, but I was somehow different from them and less deserving.
Many times, I actually tricked myself into thinking that I actually wanted this way of life. Because the alternative, was foreign. And really scary.
And fattening.
But I was wrong.
I couldn’t wake up and eat breakfast like other people did (did they really?, I would wonder). I wasn’t like them.
But I was wrong.
For years and years, my breakfast consisted of nothing.
I couldn’t eat until after my workout was complete. I wasn’t like other people who could wake up and eat breakfast. I had to earn it first.
After my workout my breakfast consisted of this:
I could rattle off the nutritional information of an apple to you as if I was reciting the letters of the alphabet. I could for most foods actually. It was rare when I didn’t know the nutritional profile of a food. All of my thoughts were preoccupied by this.
Now, I’m not knocking the delicious apple here. It really is a great snack. For my active lifestyle, it simply wasn’t close to being enough fuel for my body.
I was hungry all morning long. I yawned a lot. No amount of sleep can cure an empty stomach.
When I decided that being miserable was getting old and I wanted to recover, breakfast was still the most difficult meal for me to eat. I managed to increase my food intake later on in the day, but for some reason it was so hard for me to have a healthy and filling breakfast.
Little by little, I managed to get past my breakfast fear. Green Monsters were a huge part of getting over this fear.
For once in my life, I had fun with breakfast. I was experimenting and making all kinds of crazy concoctions. I felt great. I had tons of energy and I was excited for breakfast again. My breakfasts have gone from being a small snack to a filling and healthy meal.
For breakfast this morning, I enjoyed Chocolate Pumpkin Vegan Overnight Oats!
Want to know another awesome benefit of adding pumpkin to your Vegan Overnight Oats?
It adds a ton of volume!
When I add pumpkin, I increase the volume by at least 30-40%. Pumpkin is also high in Vitamin A, C, Iron, and has 3.5 grams of fibre per 1/2 cup.
In this mix = 1/3 cups oats, 1.25 cups Almond Milk, 1/2 cup pumpkin, 1.5 tbsp chia seeds, 1 pinch pumpkin pie spice, 1/2 serving Amazing Grass Chocolate Amazing Meal Power.
Toppings included = Cranberries, unsweetened coconut, and 1/2 tbsp coconut butter mixed with 1/2 tbsp pure maple syrup.
Healthy fuel for a busy day ahead! :)
Have you ever dramatically changed the way you eat such as by increasing/decreasing your intake, switching to a new eating lifestyle, or breaking out of a rut?
I also used to feel like I would have to spend the rest of my life counting calories and I would punish myself for overeating by “working off” the excess calories I had consumed or preparing to overindulge by extreme workouts. Now I have a much healthier relationship with food where I eat healthy food in reasonable portions and exercise for fitness and not for food. I am a much happier and healthier person because of it.
Angela, I am a fairly new reader of your blog and didn’t realize that your history with food included an eating disorder. The fact that you have grown from a person who struggled so much to the person you are today is truly an inspiration.
I still struggle with the way I eat, often overeating for emotional reasons (stress, boredom, sadness) and then feeling guilty or frustrated for having done it. I have come a long way in making better more nutritional choices for meals and planned snacks but there are still times when I will binge or overeat. I work on this everyday but for now it is still a part of my reality. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Great story Angela! I changed my breakfasts pretty dramatically once I started drinking GMs as well. For me they always included either an extremely processed granola bar or cereal or a fast food meal of some sort. It feels so good now to know I’m starting my day in such a healthy and nutritious way!
i love it when you share your story…it reminds me of how far i’ve come too! i have definitely increased the amount of healthy, plant-based fats and decreased animal fats…although i don’t restrict anymore if i want something with a pat of butter. it’s so worth it!
When I suffered from my ED, breakfast was hard for me, too. I would deprive myself all day long, and at night, when I felt I had suffered a sufficient amount, I’d allow myself to eat a snack. i’m so glad you are over this fight, and I’m glad you are helping others with your blog!
I always love reading about how far you’ve come in your eating habits and thinking. I don’t think I’m quite where you are yet, but I like to think I’m on my way!
Your breakfast looks so fallish!
“I yawned a lot. No amount of sleep can cure an empty stomach.” That almost made me cry. Now I know why I was so tired all the time… not that I didn’t before, but I just linked it to my lack of sleep. I hope I can recover from disordered eating as well as you did. You’re amazing. And I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but you just continue to be such an inspiration to me.
I changed my eating perspective the day I read your blog.
Before this, I thought it was normal the way I ate. I didn’t think it was an eating disorder. I wanted unhealthy, savory food (french fries, hamburgers) so I thought the only way I could deserve those things was not to eat any breakfast or lunch and save the calories for dinner. Of course, this was really unrealistic and it led to a lot of binging which made me feel so guilty.
Most of the people I knew who ate full meals were on the larger side (I’m from the southern states of the US). My mom, a skinny petite woman half my size, only ate vegetables throughout the day and half a bowl of rice for dinner. I thought I was the freak for failing to to have a BMI of 18. It wasn’t until your blog that I was like… what? Could this be such an extreme diet that it could actually be an eating disorder?
So since then, I’ve learned to eat healthy. I have slip ups now and then with just too much fried food, but I don’t feel guilty and I don’t binge anymore. I would like to say I’ve lost pounds but I threw out my scale!
Just like you, I avoided breakfast at all costs. It was my easiest meal of the day to skip, because I never woke up hungry (most likely due to the fact that I’d eat way late into the night since I had probably deprived myself that day. Once I slowly started forcing down some morning food – I now cannot simply fanthom NOT eating it. It started with a piece of toast here, an apple there and now I’m eating oatmeal, Green Monsters, and sometimes blueberry pancakes. I used to sit in class during my no breakfast year, embarrassed that my stomach was growling and so incredible tired that I couldn’t keep my eyes open…”I yawned a lot.” So very very true. Thanks again for yet another honest and interesting post, Angela!
Angela I have to say I find you so inspiring.
I wouldn’t say I have an actual ED, but I do have a fear of certain foods, eating a certain amount, etc. I am seeing a therapist about all of this — I do want help with this. But I love reading about your attitude about food, eating, breakfast! It seems so freeing, and I look forward to the day when I have that mindset!
Wonderful post – I relate to a lot of your thoughts from a time with disordered eating and I, too, sometimes forget how far I’ve come since then! I eat now to fuel my workouts, to give me energy throughout the day and to enjoy all the delicious food combos I’ve come to know and love over the past couple of years. Love your blog. Thanks for sharing this great post today.
I remember eating 60 calorie yogurts for breakfast and a combination of 100 calorie packs for lunch :( Wow, actually admitting that makes me really sad BUT my meals couldn’t be more different now. Bring on the big healthy filling breakfasts and huge salady lunches :)
I’m going through this right now, I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food. I either ate too little or too much and ate NONE of the right things. A few months ago I started switching my diet to a healthier one… Instead of meat and potatoes I eat veggies and beans. It’s going to be a long process but I feel really good about it. :)
What a wonderful post! You are so inspiring. I’ve struggled with similar feelings like this but on the opposite end. “You don’t deserve healthy food, eat this junk”. I can’t wait to banish these feelings for good.
I too have overcome an ED and have made a total 180 when it comes to what I eat! It is one of my greatest accomplishments!
I can’t say that I have had an ED, but I do have some Diordered Eating habits. You see, I saw that apple and was like “hey that’s what I eat for breakfast too!” While your breakfasts always look beyond divine, I do cringe when I see what all goes in there. I mentally am adding up all the calories. I try to keep my breakfast under 175cals…I’m not quite sure why..maybe that’s something I should explore within a bit more.
Insighful post as always lovely lady!
Beautiful post, Angela! Iwent through the same types of things..even if there was no *offical* workout, I would always do some jumping jacks or pushups before eating. *Always* no matter what meal it was or if I actaully had worked out. I’m so glad you turned around and that I was able to do the same- it’s much better this way! :D
You have come such a long way and so happy you faced your fears. Your love of food is infectious!!! When we face fears and over come obstacles it helps us grow in everyway…mind, body and soul. Investing time in ourselves is the best thing anyone person can do :)
Enjoy your day!
I personally still struggle with disordered eating, but inspirational blogs like yours are helping me to break out of that rut. I’m slowly working towards health by experimenting, and it definitely makes eating less stressful and more fun! Though I haven’t lost the weight I’ve gained after more than a year of bingeing, I’m hopeful that refocusing on health and listening to my body instead of counting calories and beating myself up will eventually restore balance to my body.
Thanks for everything that you do, Angela! You truly are a role model for anyone who has struggled (or still struggles) with acheiving a healthy, balanced life.
Alaina, good luck, keep it up! I’m at the same point as you. The past year has been hard as I’ve tried to find balance after a long time of the same feelings- counting calories, restricting, bingeing, feeling horrible- it’s an awful cycle and really really hard to get out of. I’m still not totally there but I am also hoping the balance will happen at some point soon! <3