Sometimes I forget how far I have come since struggling with an eating disorder.
From the age of 11 until 25 I fought the battle. A battle I thought I would never be free from.
Many times, I gave up and I accepted my fate. I told myself that I would, for the rest of my life, have this struggle with food, my body, and myself. I would always count calories. I would always cringe when I looked at my body in a mirror. I would always obsess. I would always binge.
And I would always be hungry.
Other people could eat enough food, but I was somehow different from them and less deserving.
Many times, I actually tricked myself into thinking that I actually wanted this way of life. Because the alternative, was foreign. And really scary.
And fattening.
But I was wrong.
I couldn’t wake up and eat breakfast like other people did (did they really?, I would wonder). I wasn’t like them.
But I was wrong.
For years and years, my breakfast consisted of nothing.
I couldn’t eat until after my workout was complete. I wasn’t like other people who could wake up and eat breakfast. I had to earn it first.
After my workout my breakfast consisted of this:
I could rattle off the nutritional information of an apple to you as if I was reciting the letters of the alphabet. I could for most foods actually. It was rare when I didn’t know the nutritional profile of a food. All of my thoughts were preoccupied by this.
Now, I’m not knocking the delicious apple here. It really is a great snack. For my active lifestyle, it simply wasn’t close to being enough fuel for my body.
I was hungry all morning long. I yawned a lot. No amount of sleep can cure an empty stomach.
When I decided that being miserable was getting old and I wanted to recover, breakfast was still the most difficult meal for me to eat. I managed to increase my food intake later on in the day, but for some reason it was so hard for me to have a healthy and filling breakfast.
Little by little, I managed to get past my breakfast fear. Green Monsters were a huge part of getting over this fear.
For once in my life, I had fun with breakfast. I was experimenting and making all kinds of crazy concoctions. I felt great. I had tons of energy and I was excited for breakfast again. My breakfasts have gone from being a small snack to a filling and healthy meal.
For breakfast this morning, I enjoyed Chocolate Pumpkin Vegan Overnight Oats!
Want to know another awesome benefit of adding pumpkin to your Vegan Overnight Oats?
It adds a ton of volume!
When I add pumpkin, I increase the volume by at least 30-40%. Pumpkin is also high in Vitamin A, C, Iron, and has 3.5 grams of fibre per 1/2 cup.
In this mix = 1/3 cups oats, 1.25 cups Almond Milk, 1/2 cup pumpkin, 1.5 tbsp chia seeds, 1 pinch pumpkin pie spice, 1/2 serving Amazing Grass Chocolate Amazing Meal Power.
Toppings included = Cranberries, unsweetened coconut, and 1/2 tbsp coconut butter mixed with 1/2 tbsp pure maple syrup.
Healthy fuel for a busy day ahead! :)
Have you ever dramatically changed the way you eat such as by increasing/decreasing your intake, switching to a new eating lifestyle, or breaking out of a rut?
i love hearing that you have learned to love breakfast! thanks for letting the bloggers out there that embracing a healthy lifestyle doesn’t have to happen over night :)
I’ve been so blessed that I’ve never had an ED so I never really dramatically altered the way I ate. But once I hit about 16-17 yrs old and realized the purpose of “volume” foods is when things really began to change for me!
About two years ago I was a very different person. My thoughts were, like yours, obsessed with numbers, nutrient profiles, should I or should I not, can I or can’t I. Everyday I fought against the desire to eat. My mind was filled with that world and there was barely any room left to enjoy life, my friends, my now husband or my family.
And then it all changed…I was tired and done! I was ready to change but I had no idea how. Very slowly, oh so very slowly I began. One morning I got up and made a bowl of cereal. I didn’t measure it, I didn’t think about what was in it. I didn’t care if there was sugar. I just wanted a bowl of cereal and it was the best moment I had had in such a long long time!
Now I eat to live well and I eat to nourish my body. I’m still learning, I’m still improving. But now I can soak up so many more moments in my day! :)
I never had an ED, but I did deprive myself of foods that I considered to be too high in calories or fat, like nut butters. Now I enjoy them in my oats, granola bars, on apples. It took awhile to get out of that mindset but I’m glad i did.
For the past 8 years I was just like that, thinking I would never be full or happy around food. This summer I hit the bottom and my mother and MIL had an intervention and since then I have eaten 3 healthy meals a day and felt great. “Normal” eating was so foreign to me and scared me as well! I no I’m only one month into this new pattern but hope to continue on for a long time and never go back to that sadness and rules of food!
Leianna,
Recovery from an ED is the battle of a lifetime, but it is one that is conquered one day at a time.
Congratulations on your one month of recovery-life is so much sweeter ED free. You can do it!
I can relate to this! A year ago I ate no breakfast and had a Luna bar and fruit for lunch. Then id work out 90 minutes a day. My diet has really changed and now I avoid packaged food, eat mostly organic, and have cut back on the excessive workouts. Ive gained a lot of weight in the process and am trying to find a balance, but I’m moving on the right direction!
I love this post- thank you :)
Personally, my intake looks dramatically different than it did a year ago, as does my attitude toward food. Like you, I had to “earn” all of my food at the height of my eating disorder- and when I “earned” it what I had was “low fat” this or “low calorie” that- artificial sweeteners and veggies/fruits making up the bulk of my meals. Not that there’s anything wrong with fruits and veggies (obviously, they are deeeeeelicious!) but I can now employ balance and moderation in a post-eating disordered daily intake! I now truly believe that food is delicious, necessary and enjoyable- and that I can really have any food I want in moderation regardless of my activity level. The freedom is astonishing, as I’m sure you know, and it’s nice to know that what I’m doing is right for my body!
This doesn’t really answer your question, but I would be absolutely lost without breakfast. I seriously can’t be myself, be attentive, be present, if I haven’t had that first meal of the day. I never understood why someone would skip it! And why Americans want to eat donuts for it!! :)
I guess losing 146lbs of weight must mean I radically altered my eating. I made some big changes which included:
*viewing my relationship with food like an addicts addiction so cut out foods that I couldn’t eat in a reasonable way- so cut out cheese
*switched dinner plates to smaller size
*wrote down everything I ate and reflected on whether I had felt hungry or not !
*Not thinking I was on a diet – but rather this is the way I choose to eat
*got a grip on portion sizes
* ate breakfast
*watched carbs
*discovered porridge/oats !
and discovered not only is this the way I choose to eat but I love my food choices and even ditched the diet coke and all ‘diet’ foods I was stunned to discover that the diet industry uses aspartamine as a sweetner which is an appetite stimulant !!!
Wow, Jane! That’s amazing that you were able to lose so much weight and change your relationship with food. Way to go!
“Not thinking I was on a diet – but rather this is the way I choose to eat”
Amen. Because a “diet” is usually for a set amount of time, and then when you’re finished with the diet one goes back to all the bad habits… That’s the mindset I’m working on. I just want healthy habits that I can stick with. It’s definitely a shift in thinking!
I work as a psychotherapist and ‘knew’ the theory I am still a work in progress ! but can accept that I may have the odd slip up but it’s not the end of the world and I know my tastebuds have changed and my favourite gadget is my juicer where I create my version of green monsters ! :)
I relate to much of what you are (and are always) saying. I especially connected with when you said, “I felt like I had to deserve it…”
The calorie for calorie concept used to rule me. Now, I know that life happens.
Thanks for the continual inspiration.
Seeing how far you have come made me smile this morning. I used to suffer from disordered eating and now feel so much better about my relationship with food. For me, nothing is off limits and it feels SO GOOD.
I really relate to this post. It was scary to think there was an alternative to life, but there came a point where I figured fear had to be better than hating myself. Now a passion for helping others overcome those struggles consumes me. Which is why I’m starting my 30 Days of Self-Love in September. (http://www.faithfitnessfun.com/30-days-of-self-love/) I’m so thankful I made those changes. It took a lot of time but is so worth it now. Much more fun to try new foods and have energy!
So happy for you that you are healthy now :-) That looks like an amazing breakfast! It’s getting to be that time of year when I am just starting to crave autumnal foods, like pumpkin.
I went through a solid year of an ED, and eating only 2 meals a day: yogurt and fruit for breakfast, and a big salad (no dressing) for dinner. Glad that’s over.
Hi Angela – I think its wonderful what you’ve done for yourself. I have a quick and easy question – does this keep you full ALL MORNING? I find that even when I eat a large breakfast, I get hungry 3 hours later. So if I eat at 7am, I’m still hungry at 10am. I know calories shouldnt matter, but I’m still somewhat in the calorie mindset. So I get so scared to have 500+ calories before lunch. I’m active and eat normal otherwise. I love waking up to breakfast, but it still scares me.
I am the same way. I eat breakfast at 8:00 and 99% of the time am hungry 3 hours later. So I eat again, often having my ‘first’ lunch, or substantial snack at 10:30/11:00. People sometimes look at me funny at work because I’m having a bowl of soup at 10:30 but whatever, I’m hungry, I’m not watching a clock to know when to eat.
I usually eat when I am hungry again, around 2 or so. Just listen to your body. If you are hungry, you are hungry and should nourish yourself. Don’t count calories, eat until you are satisfied and then stop.
Hi Ladies,
It’s reassuring to read that I’m not the only one who gets the ‘hunger pang’ mid-morning, despite however much I eat for breakfast! I love my breakfast meals (usually oats, fruit, cereal), but regardless of how much or how balanced, I’m always starving again by 10:30 or 11:00 am. It’s been frustrating because I wouldn’t expect to feel that way since I didn’t even deprive myself and yet have this insatiable hunger! It’s been a process of figuring out what works for me and my body and I realized that my metabolism causes me to get hungry every 3-4 hours (it’s like a clock, really). So like Christine, I have a small lunch #1 at 11:00 or so, and then another small meal at 2 pm. This seems to work! But still learning about intuitive eating and listening to my body, day-by-day… it’s a work in progress :)
Your story hits all too close to home. I have struggled with my ED for the past 10 yrs. At my worst, I can remember cutting my apple up into 8 pieces and eating it throughout the day. As I began eating more in college, my ED became less noticeable, but it was as painful as ever, just different. About 6 months ago, I came across green monster movement and then OSG. I started reading more and more and slowly realized that there was a whole community of people writing about healthy living. I was shocked by how much I could identify with their stories, and all of a sudden I felt like I was allowed to change. I don’t know what had been holding me back for so long, but I can’t express how helpful it has been to read your story. Thank you for being so open.
I’ve fallen into anorexia, changed my eating habits to vegetarian, and overcame a lot of it while I was in Greece. To this day I still have slight trouble eating breakfast before I exercise. Though I workout for 20-30 minutes in the morning, I feel like eating breakfast before working out would make me feel like I had to exercise to burn off what I just ate. So I guess the struggle works in both ways.
Seeing someone else overcome their struggles is great motivation to always try to take another step in a healthier direction, I’m glad you posted about this. I’ve brought my exercising amount down a bit, and I’ve been incorporating higher fat, healthy foods (nut butters, nuts, oils, etc.) into my diet because I know that I need the fuel to live.
And I can probably (actually almost guaranteed) ramble off the calories in almost any given food from when I used to tally and count every calorie I ate. I’m glad that I was able to stop counting for good during my second attempt at it. Sure, it pops up in my head from time to time, but I just push it aside as best as I can – some things just never leave, but you make the best of it anyways. ^_^
Great to hear your story. And I’m still working on it, right now. . . daily. ;)
thank you so much for the post today. it was exactly what i needed after a night of slipping back into old habits. I too have struggled with BED for the past 3 years. it has isolated me from friends, affected my motivation, and changed so much of who i am as a person. In fact today i was so ashamed and nauseous, i called in sick to work. i continue to strive towards being healthy. what helps the most is eating 3 full meals, which means upping my view of what a meal looks like, so that i dont snack later. last week i went 7 days feeling wonderfully then i binged for two days straight out of habit. but i will not let myself fall into that pattern today so even though im home i am trying to do productive things.
what has also started to help me is listening to daily affirmations on my ipod from “My Thought Coach”. One is called Healthy and Moderate eater and it has helped immensley to release guilt and look on the bright side.
I have changed my diet dramatically in the past year due to ED recover. I have been in treatment over a year and have restored a lot of weight. It is freeing to be able to enjoy foods I never allowed myself to eat. However, I wish I could eat intuitively! That never seems possible for me! I wish I could eat when I want and what I want, but I don’t trust my body. I’m at a very frustrating point right now.
I love this post.
I struggledwith severe anorexia for 2years, and it’s only the past 6months where I feel I’m really ‘letting go’, although I’ve been in recovery for 2years. I’m not where you are yet, but I’m quickly getting there!