Sometimes I forget how far I have come since struggling with an eating disorder.
From the age of 11 until 25 I fought the battle. A battle I thought I would never be free from.
Many times, I gave up and I accepted my fate. I told myself that I would, for the rest of my life, have this struggle with food, my body, and myself. I would always count calories. I would always cringe when I looked at my body in a mirror. I would always obsess. I would always binge.
And I would always be hungry.
Other people could eat enough food, but I was somehow different from them and less deserving.
Many times, I actually tricked myself into thinking that I actually wanted this way of life. Because the alternative, was foreign. And really scary.
And fattening.
But I was wrong.
I couldn’t wake up and eat breakfast like other people did (did they really?, I would wonder). I wasn’t like them.
But I was wrong.
For years and years, my breakfast consisted of nothing.
I couldn’t eat until after my workout was complete. I wasn’t like other people who could wake up and eat breakfast. I had to earn it first.
After my workout my breakfast consisted of this:
I could rattle off the nutritional information of an apple to you as if I was reciting the letters of the alphabet. I could for most foods actually. It was rare when I didn’t know the nutritional profile of a food. All of my thoughts were preoccupied by this.
Now, I’m not knocking the delicious apple here. It really is a great snack. For my active lifestyle, it simply wasn’t close to being enough fuel for my body.
I was hungry all morning long. I yawned a lot. No amount of sleep can cure an empty stomach.
When I decided that being miserable was getting old and I wanted to recover, breakfast was still the most difficult meal for me to eat. I managed to increase my food intake later on in the day, but for some reason it was so hard for me to have a healthy and filling breakfast.
Little by little, I managed to get past my breakfast fear. Green Monsters were a huge part of getting over this fear.
For once in my life, I had fun with breakfast. I was experimenting and making all kinds of crazy concoctions. I felt great. I had tons of energy and I was excited for breakfast again. My breakfasts have gone from being a small snack to a filling and healthy meal.
For breakfast this morning, I enjoyed Chocolate Pumpkin Vegan Overnight Oats!
Want to know another awesome benefit of adding pumpkin to your Vegan Overnight Oats?
It adds a ton of volume!
When I add pumpkin, I increase the volume by at least 30-40%. Pumpkin is also high in Vitamin A, C, Iron, and has 3.5 grams of fibre per 1/2 cup.
In this mix = 1/3 cups oats, 1.25 cups Almond Milk, 1/2 cup pumpkin, 1.5 tbsp chia seeds, 1 pinch pumpkin pie spice, 1/2 serving Amazing Grass Chocolate Amazing Meal Power.
Toppings included = Cranberries, unsweetened coconut, and 1/2 tbsp coconut butter mixed with 1/2 tbsp pure maple syrup.
Healthy fuel for a busy day ahead! :)
Have you ever dramatically changed the way you eat such as by increasing/decreasing your intake, switching to a new eating lifestyle, or breaking out of a rut?
I used to be just like you, skipping breakfast and sometimes dinner whenever possible. It was awful! I also memorized exactly what nutrition facts were on whatever I ate, mostly processed stuff.
This was a great post, I could really relate to it.
Thanks for posting this! I used to eat a light yogurt and half a banana for breakfast at 730 and not eat again til 1 for lunch. I remember being starving around 1030 and just enduring it. Meals were never fun or enjoyable, just a number of calories to burn off. I am SO thankful for healthy blogs like yours that show what real, active women eat to maintain their weight. It is SO refreshing and I never want to go back to where I was! Now I bound out of bed, excited to eat my oatmeal or smoothie :)
Angela, I don’t think I’ve ever told you how much I LOVE your blog. Seriously, you are so inspirational to me. I admire you a lot; thank you for everything you have taught me through your posts.
I just want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for this post! I fell in love with your blog when I read your “about me” page because I finally found someone that I could relate to, someone who had overcome and who is enjoying live and food. Not fearing that which fuels and sustains my body is my goal, as well as loving myself. This post came at the perfect time for me :)
you rock!!!
My eating has been all over the place! To the pure junk I used to eat, to the diet “healthy” foods, to now where I try and eat mostly clean, non-processed things. Although I still struggle sometimes with a healthy body image.
Hi! I LOVE the new Chocolate Pumpkin recipe ! I just LOVE chocolate pumpkin recipes! I actually just made a new vegan muffin I’m super excited about featuring pumpkin and chocolate. Pumpkin is such an indulging way to get in fiber and Vitamin A. I love it. It just screams fall:) Plus, chocolate is my daily sanity. I’m allergic to carob but chocolate keeps me glowing and VERY happy:) Check out the new recipe pics on my site, and the recipe posts tomorrow!: )
*’I’m such a fan- you’re amazing*
Heather McClees
What an encouraging log. I too have and still in some ways struggle with an ED but I am learning so much. You are truly a blessing;) keep up the good work and all those yummy recipes.
I currently am 2 weeks into trying to clean up my eating. I am so glad I found your blog because it is really going to help me along the way!!!
Thanks for sharing all of your recipes!
Whilst I don’t have an ED anymore, to be honest, i’m not there yet and i’m not sure where there is! I have an apple for breakfast and huge salad with nuts and dressing for lunch. Some days I feel my carb intake should be higher so I have GF muesli or oats for breakfast but then I just end up feeling full and sluggish. Same when I try having a GF roll for lunch. I’m still experimenting so I guess I’ll see if it’s something my body just needs to get used to :)
Love this post xxx
Wow, I’m totally still dealing with this right now. I am making progress though but it is so hard…In late high school I would eat 1/2 of a grapefruit for breakfast and considering I never ate lunch, that is what I lived on until my small salad at dinner. Somehow I manage to work out for 45 minutes- 2 hours every single day. But man….was I ever exhausted. I still have difficulty with breakfast, and really struggle with the idea of eating a whole bowl of oats in the morning (even though yours look SOO GOOD- my mind just won’t let me yet). I’ve been doing green monsters, and also some other protein smoothies, I can also do a piece of yeast-free toast with almond butter. I am getting there…slowly but surely. I know I can do it. This is the first time I’ve commented here (I literally do not talk about my eating problems at all on my blog) but it’s so nice to know that someone else has been through the bingeing and restricting and has made it past that. It’s blogs like yours that help me to know that I can, too.
Hi Angela,
I LOVE your blog and am a daily follower. I have been thinking about this post for a cople of days and finally decided to comment. I found your blog in the depth of a deep depression and a struggle with an ED, looking for inspiration to regain my appetite for food and for life. It is still a daily struggle but having the amazing opportunity to see into your personal life and see a healthy, beautiful woman eating and enjoying healthy food is very inspirational. I was so touched by this post because I felt like you took the thoughts and feelings right from me, it is so comforting to know there are others who have been through this and gotten out of it. I find myself at that crossroad of wanting to get better but not knowing how to take that big scary leap without the debilitating fear of losing all control. do you have any books/thoughts/tricks that helped you turn your life around once and for all?
thanks again for all your inspiration and daily dose of positivity!
kellie
My breakfast has significantly changed. I call it being stuck in the HFCS cereal rut. Then I discovered your website and the wonders of the Green Monster. It has changed my life. Thanks to them I actually have energy after eating breakfast, as opposed to the carb coma. My skin has improved thanks to the natural ingredients and good for me nutrients. I finally found my glow. I want to thank you and your Green Monster movement for changing not only my breakfast but my life. You know that statement “breakfast is the most important meal of the day”, I finally get it :)
I love your site, Angela! I don’t think you have to have had an ED to have disordered eating. At 44 I am just now learning how disordered my eating has been, and I am beginning to get my glow on for the first time.
Can’t wait to try your recipes…all of them!