Sometimes I forget how far I have come since struggling with an eating disorder.
From the age of 11 until 25 I fought the battle. A battle I thought I would never be free from.
Many times, I gave up and I accepted my fate. I told myself that I would, for the rest of my life, have this struggle with food, my body, and myself. I would always count calories. I would always cringe when I looked at my body in a mirror. I would always obsess. I would always binge.
And I would always be hungry.
Other people could eat enough food, but I was somehow different from them and less deserving.
Many times, I actually tricked myself into thinking that I actually wanted this way of life. Because the alternative, was foreign. And really scary.
And fattening.
But I was wrong.
I couldn’t wake up and eat breakfast like other people did (did they really?, I would wonder). I wasn’t like them.
But I was wrong.
For years and years, my breakfast consisted of nothing.
I couldn’t eat until after my workout was complete. I wasn’t like other people who could wake up and eat breakfast. I had to earn it first.
After my workout my breakfast consisted of this:
I could rattle off the nutritional information of an apple to you as if I was reciting the letters of the alphabet. I could for most foods actually. It was rare when I didn’t know the nutritional profile of a food. All of my thoughts were preoccupied by this.
Now, I’m not knocking the delicious apple here. It really is a great snack. For my active lifestyle, it simply wasn’t close to being enough fuel for my body.
I was hungry all morning long. I yawned a lot. No amount of sleep can cure an empty stomach.
When I decided that being miserable was getting old and I wanted to recover, breakfast was still the most difficult meal for me to eat. I managed to increase my food intake later on in the day, but for some reason it was so hard for me to have a healthy and filling breakfast.
Little by little, I managed to get past my breakfast fear. Green Monsters were a huge part of getting over this fear.
For once in my life, I had fun with breakfast. I was experimenting and making all kinds of crazy concoctions. I felt great. I had tons of energy and I was excited for breakfast again. My breakfasts have gone from being a small snack to a filling and healthy meal.
For breakfast this morning, I enjoyed Chocolate Pumpkin Vegan Overnight Oats!
Want to know another awesome benefit of adding pumpkin to your Vegan Overnight Oats?
It adds a ton of volume!
When I add pumpkin, I increase the volume by at least 30-40%. Pumpkin is also high in Vitamin A, C, Iron, and has 3.5 grams of fibre per 1/2 cup.
In this mix = 1/3 cups oats, 1.25 cups Almond Milk, 1/2 cup pumpkin, 1.5 tbsp chia seeds, 1 pinch pumpkin pie spice, 1/2 serving Amazing Grass Chocolate Amazing Meal Power.
Toppings included = Cranberries, unsweetened coconut, and 1/2 tbsp coconut butter mixed with 1/2 tbsp pure maple syrup.
Healthy fuel for a busy day ahead! :)
Have you ever dramatically changed the way you eat such as by increasing/decreasing your intake, switching to a new eating lifestyle, or breaking out of a rut?
My problem with breakfast was that upon waking up every morning, I was really not hungry! Yet I know the importance and benefits of “breaking the fast” and starting your day right. Green Monsters are wonderful for me in the morning, and reading your blog has given me some great ideas for things that I would be *excited* about eating in the mornings! So thank you!!
About a year ago I decided I HAD to make a change – a radical change- in my lifestyle. I had just finished my final year of college and was moving back into my parent’s house (something I was not proud of, or did I imagine myself doing when I began school 4 years earlier). Needless to say, I was quite down on myself as I didn’t have a job in the field I wanted to work in and I watched my friends move out on their own. Not to mention I was about 35 lbs overweight (according to my BMI). So I came to a decision – I had to take control of SOMETHING in my life; that something was my body. Everything else was not working out as I had planned, so I began to plan my diet and exercise.
I went from eating cheesy/carby/oily meals late at night and getting 4-6 hours of sleep with sporadic bursts of exercise to scheduling my food/sleep/exercise first. I changed my diet by adding more vegetables with all of my meals. I began making all kinds of salads and wraps for lunch – which was very fun for me, as I love to cook/create! I researched different fish dishes to make for my family for dinner. I also began to eat a healthy/hearty breakfast that left me full till lunchtime. Oatmeal, cottage cheese, smoothies, etc. And soon my now-boyfriend led me to a site called tastespotting.com on which someone had posted a green monster recipe – along with a link to ohsheglows! It was revolutionary for me and my breakfasts soon became a bowl of fiber loaded cereal/oatmeal and a green monster.
Now I am in a place where the greasy allure of fast food is lost on me. My main focus for any meal is nutrition, and my palate has changed remarkably. I actually prefer vegetables over meat (which my mother couldn’t believe)! I was even pescetarian for an entire year, and now only eat meat which has been humanely raised and is free of hormones and antibiotics.
So now after a year, I am down 40 lbs! And I did it the healthy way. Changing my diet also made me feel more energized. I have clearer skin and my hair and nails grow like weeds! I love what nutrition has done for me, and it wasn’t a difficult transition. I still eat pizza every now and then, or indulge in foods that I know are low in nutritional content – but I never feel guilty. I eat what I feel like eating – it just happens to be that I feel like eating nutritiously! And trust me when I say, everyone can get to this point. I read recently that losing weight or being healthy is not about discipline; it’s about love. You have to LOVE healthy foods and LOVE to exercise, not force yourself. And with so many options out there, its not hard to find great recipes that you’ll love to eat!
It’s amazing how far you’ve come! So inspirational! And for the record, I LOVE your overnight oats. My favorites so far are the original and pumpkin!
I read your blog almost every day with my morning coffee and today is the first day I felt brave enough to comment. This entry made me tear up – because at 23, I’m *still* fighting that battle with food and I feel like I’m never going to escape it and become one of those normal, healthy “I’m proud of my body and what it can do and I’m going to respect it by treating it kindly” women.
Knowing it can be done? Is like having someone toss out a lifeline into rough waters. And while today won’t be the day I haul myself out (didn’t go for a run this morning, so that Pink Lady apple in my work bag is going to have to wait), I’m at least motivated to keep hanging on.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You can do it Kait! I read your comment and I totally empathize. I’m turning 23 in a week and FINALLY after 8 years of battling with food/nutrition and exercise I feel like I am in a great place.
>I feel like I’m never going to escape it and become one of those normal, healthy “I’m proud of my body and what it can do and I’m going to respect it by treating it kindly” women.<
Surprise! That's not the norm! The normal in fact is that most women feel bad/self conscious about their bodies. Even though I eat healthy every day, hit the gym at least 5 times a week and watch my nutritional intake – one perusal through the Victoria's Secret swimsuit online catalog sends me right back to a year ago when I analysed every part of my body until I felt retched. It was a terrible cycle that had me skimping on meals, only to binge on sweets later.
Take it one step at a time! Make small goals that feel attainable and you'll get there. As you start to see change, you'll feel great about yourself – in whatever way that may be. I read recently an article on Men's Health about "Why you can't lose those last 10 lbs" The #1 reason was you have to LOVE what you are doing. Don't FORCE yourself to go to the gym- really LOVE what you do! When you do, you'll naturally feel good about yourself and body. Sometimes its harder to see the big picture when you're stuck in the middle of it. Don't worry about wanting to be a "normal girl" just think about what makes you happy in terms of fitness and nutrition – Because those are guiltless pleasures! I feel great after taking a zumba class – and there is no guilt 2 hours later like there would be eating a bowlful of icecream. And then later when I decide to indulge – I feel good knowing that my body can take those calories and use them for my workout tomorrow! :)
Hope this helps! Good luck! :)
This post was so inspiring I went back and read it twice.
Even after I was rid of the binging and purging of my bulimia I was obsessed with counting. Weight, points, exercise minutes. It hasn’t been until I started listening to my body and the foods that made me feel healthy instead of what was low in calorie/points etc and taking care of injuries instead of pushing myself to the point of needing surgery that I truly was able to change my mindset.
I still struggle some days but I go back and read my own journey post on my blog to see how far I’ve come. I get so stuck in today sometimes that I need to see where I was to appreciate today.
I was a very nervous child and so the thought of eating in the morning would literally make me gag! I did not start eating breakfast until I was 18 and now at (21) I wake up starving and I can’t wait to fuel my body!
From about the ages of 12 – 18 I never ate breakfast … mostly because I wanted to sleep in, and didn’t have time to eat. Now, I would die without my breakfast :-)
I totally get when you say that you felt everyone else was deserving of breakfast, but not you. I remember being completely mystified by how all these people could eat not only breakfast, but for me, CARBS, and not be overweight?? I just could not fathom that I could ever do that. I too had resigned myself to a life consumed by an eating disorder.
But somehow, miraculously, tomorrow I will be 5 whole months purge-free and eating breakfast religiously (and LOVING it!). I cannot imagine not eating breakfast now- I cherish my steelcut oats in the morning!
Thank you again for always being open and honest regarding your struggles with your ED.
I can completely relate to this post. When I battled with disordered eating, the first thought I had every morning when I woke up was how I had eaten gasp, 1,000 calories the day before and immediately needed to spend my “breakfast” feverishly trekking on the elliptical.
And yes, I had the constant yawns, as well as horrible body shivers and awful mood swings. So glad I decided to respect my body and work through the crippling attitude towards food and my body.
I am thrilled that I conquered these issues and breakfast especially has a special place in my heart now :)
I always love reading this kinds of posts from you. It’s so awesome to hear about how far you’ve come. I definitely went through some huge changes to my eating habits over the past few years. Throughout my teens I had the worst body image and I would binge eat because of it, and then when I hit university I started drastically restricting. Like you, my thoughts were so consumed with numbers and calorie counts – it was exhausting! It was only in the past few months that I’ve started to develop a more healthy approach to eating, thanks to food blogs! :D
Completely unrelated, but….
please don’t ever change your blog to the condensed version, where you have to click in to each individual post to read them! I am sad to see another fav blog of mine, CNC, has gone that route.
I Love how we can scroll down through your posts!
I love this post. You’ve got a great attitude and have made such awesome progress! I really admire that. :)
One of the things I love most about your blog is how honest and raw your posts are. I feel as though you share so much of yourself with each post and I honestly feel as though I almost know you personally just from reading here.
I am always left so inspired and motivated and enthused to continue living a healthy and active lifestyle.
Well done on overcoming your ED and being able to teach the rest of us how great a healthy life is – and how much yumminess the food can be!!!
xx
A really candid post. I have never personally struggled with any type of eating disorder, but I can totally empathize with what you wrote. On a happier note – I loveddd the pumpkin chocolate VOO! Definitely will be making that many times in the fall :)
I can relate (as most of the above). I went vegan at the end of my freshman year of college. In the following 6 months, I lost about 35 pounds (and I was underweight when I went vegan). It was a rough time and I severely limited my calories. To this day, I still can’t eat a big breakfast. I try not to eat a big lunch either, because I can’t trust myself to not let it all unravel at night when I am at home and bored.
even though I have gained the weight back, there’s still the mental struggle. I don’t know if it’ll ever go away.
Hi Angela, I’m 20 and still trying to overcome a lot of anxiety about what/how much i eat. Reading posts like this really inspire me to keep on track and just remember to be healthy, period. Thanks.
I also have a question for you, and I hope you haven’t already read all these comments and won’t see mine! I wouldn’t call myself a strict vegan or even vegetarian, but I am really mindful about how much meat and dairy I consume, and where it comes from. I’d like to cut down on the dairy I eat as sometimes it messes with my stomach, but I’m really worried about calcium- osteoperosis runs inmy family. How have you managed to make sure you get enough calcium without eating dairy? I know you can get it in kale and spinach, but wouldn’t you have to eat a LOT of that stuff to get the calcium you need?
Please let me know, I’d love to hear your creative solutions!
Such an inspiring post! I can totally relate, there were so many morning where I only allowed myself a small amount of oats and half a banana…not the fuel I needed after 4 mile runs and weight training!! Thanks to blogs like yours and fabulous and delicious breakfast recipes and photos, I now LOVE breakfast and giving my body all the delicious fuel it needs :)
My story is like yours but I am still learning. I used to never eat breakfast then I started eating an apple for breakfast. Slowly, I increased my food intake at breakfast time. I’m trying to add new breakfast ideas into my routine but I like my oats too much. Your concoctions have helped me a lot. Ever since moving out on my own I have started to eat better and not afraid of food.
This is great information :) Thanks so much for this post
About 5 years ago, I had a lightbulb moment and released I was the fat person in my family, so I changed the way I looked at food, I started exercising and looked at food as something that was here to fuel my body and give me the energy to exercise. I lost 25 kilos, became a vegetarian, your website has all so given me some great food ideas, living in Australia it is hard to get some things, but, yesterday I found the Marys Gone Crackers (I am eating the peppercorn ones now), I also tried Raw Chocolate Coconut Butter (This is awesome, I wish I could marry it hahaha), Quinoa, there are so many new things in my diet now, that if you had shown me these things 5 years ago I would have laughed and said I wasn’t eating that crap. Some of my friends do comment that I eat alot, then I panic abit and think am I eating too much, will I wake up fat again, but, then I think No, the foods I eat are healthy and keep my full so I don’t snack on crap foods.