Sometimes I forget how far I have come since struggling with an eating disorder.
From the age of 11 until 25 I fought the battle. A battle I thought I would never be free from.
Many times, I gave up and I accepted my fate. I told myself that I would, for the rest of my life, have this struggle with food, my body, and myself. I would always count calories. I would always cringe when I looked at my body in a mirror. I would always obsess. I would always binge.
And I would always be hungry.
Other people could eat enough food, but I was somehow different from them and less deserving.
Many times, I actually tricked myself into thinking that I actually wanted this way of life. Because the alternative, was foreign. And really scary.
And fattening.
But I was wrong.
I couldn’t wake up and eat breakfast like other people did (did they really?, I would wonder). I wasn’t like them.
But I was wrong.
For years and years, my breakfast consisted of nothing.
I couldn’t eat until after my workout was complete. I wasn’t like other people who could wake up and eat breakfast. I had to earn it first.
After my workout my breakfast consisted of this:
I could rattle off the nutritional information of an apple to you as if I was reciting the letters of the alphabet. I could for most foods actually. It was rare when I didn’t know the nutritional profile of a food. All of my thoughts were preoccupied by this.
Now, I’m not knocking the delicious apple here. It really is a great snack. For my active lifestyle, it simply wasn’t close to being enough fuel for my body.
I was hungry all morning long. I yawned a lot. No amount of sleep can cure an empty stomach.
When I decided that being miserable was getting old and I wanted to recover, breakfast was still the most difficult meal for me to eat. I managed to increase my food intake later on in the day, but for some reason it was so hard for me to have a healthy and filling breakfast.
Little by little, I managed to get past my breakfast fear. Green Monsters were a huge part of getting over this fear.
For once in my life, I had fun with breakfast. I was experimenting and making all kinds of crazy concoctions. I felt great. I had tons of energy and I was excited for breakfast again. My breakfasts have gone from being a small snack to a filling and healthy meal.
For breakfast this morning, I enjoyed Chocolate Pumpkin Vegan Overnight Oats!
Want to know another awesome benefit of adding pumpkin to your Vegan Overnight Oats?
It adds a ton of volume!
When I add pumpkin, I increase the volume by at least 30-40%. Pumpkin is also high in Vitamin A, C, Iron, and has 3.5 grams of fibre per 1/2 cup.
In this mix = 1/3 cups oats, 1.25 cups Almond Milk, 1/2 cup pumpkin, 1.5 tbsp chia seeds, 1 pinch pumpkin pie spice, 1/2 serving Amazing Grass Chocolate Amazing Meal Power.
Toppings included = Cranberries, unsweetened coconut, and 1/2 tbsp coconut butter mixed with 1/2 tbsp pure maple syrup.
Healthy fuel for a busy day ahead! :)
Have you ever dramatically changed the way you eat such as by increasing/decreasing your intake, switching to a new eating lifestyle, or breaking out of a rut?
When I was in the 6th grade all I would have for breakfast was an Instant Breakfast shake. It wasn’t that I was trying to lose weight, I just really liked them! It was essentially chocolate milk with a bunch of vitamins. However I passed out one day in class. I went to the school nurse and she told me that I needed a better breakfast. I hopped onto the oatmeal train after that (with dinosaur eggs of course ;) )
You go girl! Thank you for being brave enough to share your struggles with us. <3 I know that it makes me feel less lonely in what I've overcome. I feel like I still work every day! Sometimes I wish I had a switch in my brain that I could just turn off to stop thinking about food, meals, nutrition, etc. Of course it is useful at times, but sometimes it is just TIRING.
I can't wait to make pumpkin oatmeal this fall. I love pumpkin anything!
I feel like I could have written a lot of this myself. When I first started losing weight, I ended up going down an unhealthy path. I would restrict myself to under 600 calories a day and also knew the nutritional stats to almost any food. There were days when I would eat so little and work out so much that my net cals were in the negative. Now, I don’t calorie count and I know that my body gets the fuel and nutrients it needs.
I can totally relate to this post. For years I would eat foods (anything from Eggplant to a specific type of pretzel) and research the internet like crazy until I found the nutritional info. I finally decided this was NO way to live – but it definitely took me a while to realize it was a bit crazy to be able to walk down the grocery store isle and rattle off all the calorie and serving size portions I had memorized. It is an addicting way to live and i’m glad I have more trust in myself now.
I used to have a very unhealthy relationship w/food. Depriving myself foods I love and then binging on unhealthy junk food was normal for me. Now, I love the food I eat. I eat huge breakfasts and have never felt healthier or happier!
P.S. I absolutely love your blog, you are so inspirational!! :)
You make a great point! Time to take a step back and look at how far I’ve come! I have struggled with food in many similar ways. For me, the challenge was learning how to fill myself up and this is something I am continuing to work out every day. In the past, I chose empty calories and poor nutrition and my body suffered the consequences. I’ve also been on the flip side, starving myself and restricting my diet because I obsessed with calorie-counting for all the wrong reasons. Now, I realize it’s not supposed to be a struggle in either direction. With smart nutrition and interesting ingredients, we really can have it all!
I still struggle with my ED and have a hard time loving myself, always wishing for something different! I’ve had to drastically change my eating due to some health problems I’ve developed, and I constantly have to remind myself to strive to be healthy, not skinny. It’s encouraging to know that other people have overcome it…!
This is such a great/inspiring post and set of comments. Thank you for your honesty and narrative. I can’t remember the food-details, but what stands out for me is the self-loathing. Nothing was ever about being me, it was always about DOING things right. That meant (for me too) that breakfast was something that was earned through exercise, not through virtue of human need/entitlement. People say that when you’ve had an eating disorder, you can never really, truly be healed, but I disagree. I think that recovering from any kind of disordered/destructive relationship requires extensive re-modeling of your self-concept. Yes, the residue of that experience lingers in your memory and mind, but once you have accepted unequivocally that your central truth is your self-worth, you’re on your way.
Reading your blog is something that I associate with a time of great change and happiness in my own life, and discovering that other people are passionate about making these changes and loving who they are has been such a pleasure and source of comfort. Thanks again.
oh angela, i had no idea you had an ED, it doesnt come up much on your posts, so even tho i am currently recovering, i still loved your blog for its healthy and inspiring words… now it makes me feel better as i can relate to some of your past and i can see that there IS a way past this illness and there WILL be a future for me too!
my struggle is lunchtime, i can fuel myself with a good breakfast and dinner, but for some reason lunch seems like an indulgence to me as i am rarely that hungry during the middle of the day, i know that i must push myself past this, but hearing of your experience with breakfasts has helped me alot, thankyou :-)
x
Eating a hearty breakfast has made such a huge difference in my life. I always used to wake up, work out, eat one cup of cereal with skim milk and would end up STARVING throughout the day. I didn’t eat enough for lunch to make up for it and at night would always end up feeling dizzy with hunger. I thought I was being good and using will power but now I see how silly that was! Now I eat a good breakfast each morning and it really helps control my appetite all day. It make such a difference not to feel weak and hungry all day long!
I can totally relate to you and the struggles that you have gone through. I think it’s great that you share those struggles and show where you are at now.
P.S. I know I asked before but I’m looking to get a new camera and I love yours. What camera is it, and what program do you use to edit and post your pics.
Thanks:)
I can absolutely relate to this!! For a few years, I was neurotic about nutrition information labels, calories, and exactly how many I could have in each meal. I remember freaking out once because I ate two chocolate chips when I was baking. Crazy, right? I’ve learned that I don’t need 1200 calories a day, I need twice that amount, and while at first it was daunting to eat so much more, I’ve learned that I won’t gain inordinate amounts of weight and I FEEL so much better! Your story is truly inspiring :)
As someone who has known you for almost 10 years….i just want to say i’m proud of how far you have come!
Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. It’s so great to hear that you are in a good place right now. My current struggle is overeating, especially with sweets. If I decide not to eat them at all, I’m usually ok and can move on with my life. But once I eat a cookie or brownie, etc, I can’t seem to stop and want to eat five more! It’s all about balance and I know that I will find mine one day :)
I can completely relate to this, especially the always being hungry part. Even now, I have days when I don’t allow myself to eat until I am full. I see being stuffed as a sign that I have eaten too much. But lately, some of my meals have been so delicious, that I will eat until I am full. And I have been able to sit back and enjoy it. It was not a binge. It was simply eating until I was sompletely and utterly satisfied. I know this is a great thing to do. And since I do get hungry again, it is completely necessary!
I am genuinely happy that you have reached such a great mind and body space. You are a GORGEOUS girl and you deserve to see that and enjoy it.
Your experiences with food and eating disorders so closely the thoughts I’ve struggled with and still do struggle with sometimes. This is why I love your blog – your present relationship with food, what it appears like on the blog anyway, is what I want to achieve in recovery. To have a healthy, balanced relationship full of yummy (and SUCH pretty) food creations and discoveries.
Thanks for this post :)
izzyy
xox
Thank you so much for sharing that part of your story with us… its nice to see how far you have come. You are an inspiration to so many, thank you!
I never had an eating disorder, but I remember in high school avoiding “bad” foods like they were poison. Eating one french fry to me was horrible. Now I’ll have a french fry and not feel guilty. I understand moderation now.
Thank you for this post.
I’m trying to increase my intake, but I’m not sure if I’m suppose to. I never think I eat too little, no matter what other people are saying. I’m trying to realize I need to gain some weight, and in order to do that, I should eat more and not worry about moving a lot or exercising…
Two weeks ago I decided to stop counting calories and focus less on making the number on the scale go down, and focus more on fixing my behaviors. While I do still step on the scale, I don’t worry about the number. It’s just a number and it helps me stay in tune with my body.
As a result of this, I’ve been eating more at breakfast and lunch, and I definitely feel more nourished. I’ve been eating more in the afternoon for snacks as well, and I’m not sure what that’s about.
I wondered if this would cause me to gain weight, considering I do have a night or two every week where I’m in the presence of indulgences, but I’ve noticed a shift. I eat more at breakfast and for an afternoon snack, but I’m not usually hungry for a morning snack anymore, and I’m not usually hungry for a large dinner at the end of the day. I’ve been eating more, and even indulging on the items I deemed WORTHY (fresh-out-of-the-oven-“Better-Than-Sex”-brownies!), and I haven’t gained anything but freedom and a great sense of self control. I don’t feel so driven to overeat anymore, and it feels wonderful!
It’s only been two weeks, and I still want to lose a little more, simply so I can fit into my jeans, but I’ve made peace with the number I see on the scale. My body is healthy and active and nothing to be ashamed of. It deserves to be nourished.