Sometimes I forget how far I have come since struggling with an eating disorder.
From the age of 11 until 25 I fought the battle. A battle I thought I would never be free from.
Many times, I gave up and I accepted my fate. I told myself that I would, for the rest of my life, have this struggle with food, my body, and myself. I would always count calories. I would always cringe when I looked at my body in a mirror. I would always obsess. I would always binge.
And I would always be hungry.
Other people could eat enough food, but I was somehow different from them and less deserving.
Many times, I actually tricked myself into thinking that I actually wanted this way of life. Because the alternative, was foreign. And really scary.
And fattening.
But I was wrong.
I couldn’t wake up and eat breakfast like other people did (did they really?, I would wonder). I wasn’t like them.
But I was wrong.
For years and years, my breakfast consisted of nothing.
I couldn’t eat until after my workout was complete. I wasn’t like other people who could wake up and eat breakfast. I had to earn it first.
After my workout my breakfast consisted of this:
I could rattle off the nutritional information of an apple to you as if I was reciting the letters of the alphabet. I could for most foods actually. It was rare when I didn’t know the nutritional profile of a food. All of my thoughts were preoccupied by this.
Now, I’m not knocking the delicious apple here. It really is a great snack. For my active lifestyle, it simply wasn’t close to being enough fuel for my body.
I was hungry all morning long. I yawned a lot. No amount of sleep can cure an empty stomach.
When I decided that being miserable was getting old and I wanted to recover, breakfast was still the most difficult meal for me to eat. I managed to increase my food intake later on in the day, but for some reason it was so hard for me to have a healthy and filling breakfast.
Little by little, I managed to get past my breakfast fear. Green Monsters were a huge part of getting over this fear.
For once in my life, I had fun with breakfast. I was experimenting and making all kinds of crazy concoctions. I felt great. I had tons of energy and I was excited for breakfast again. My breakfasts have gone from being a small snack to a filling and healthy meal.
For breakfast this morning, I enjoyed Chocolate Pumpkin Vegan Overnight Oats!
Want to know another awesome benefit of adding pumpkin to your Vegan Overnight Oats?
It adds a ton of volume!
When I add pumpkin, I increase the volume by at least 30-40%. Pumpkin is also high in Vitamin A, C, Iron, and has 3.5 grams of fibre per 1/2 cup.
In this mix = 1/3 cups oats, 1.25 cups Almond Milk, 1/2 cup pumpkin, 1.5 tbsp chia seeds, 1 pinch pumpkin pie spice, 1/2 serving Amazing Grass Chocolate Amazing Meal Power.
Toppings included = Cranberries, unsweetened coconut, and 1/2 tbsp coconut butter mixed with 1/2 tbsp pure maple syrup.
Healthy fuel for a busy day ahead! :)
Have you ever dramatically changed the way you eat such as by increasing/decreasing your intake, switching to a new eating lifestyle, or breaking out of a rut?
Angela I have to say I find you so inspiring.
I wouldn’t say I have an actual ED, but I do have a fear of certain foods, eating a certain amount, etc. I am seeing a therapist about all of this — I do want help with this. But I love reading about your attitude about food, eating, breakfast! It seems so freeing, and I look forward to the day when I have that mindset!
Wonderful post – I relate to a lot of your thoughts from a time with disordered eating and I, too, sometimes forget how far I’ve come since then! I eat now to fuel my workouts, to give me energy throughout the day and to enjoy all the delicious food combos I’ve come to know and love over the past couple of years. Love your blog. Thanks for sharing this great post today.
I remember eating 60 calorie yogurts for breakfast and a combination of 100 calorie packs for lunch :( Wow, actually admitting that makes me really sad BUT my meals couldn’t be more different now. Bring on the big healthy filling breakfasts and huge salady lunches :)
I’m going through this right now, I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food. I either ate too little or too much and ate NONE of the right things. A few months ago I started switching my diet to a healthier one… Instead of meat and potatoes I eat veggies and beans. It’s going to be a long process but I feel really good about it. :)
What a wonderful post! You are so inspiring. I’ve struggled with similar feelings like this but on the opposite end. “You don’t deserve healthy food, eat this junk”. I can’t wait to banish these feelings for good.
I too have overcome an ED and have made a total 180 when it comes to what I eat! It is one of my greatest accomplishments!
I can’t say that I have had an ED, but I do have some Diordered Eating habits. You see, I saw that apple and was like “hey that’s what I eat for breakfast too!” While your breakfasts always look beyond divine, I do cringe when I see what all goes in there. I mentally am adding up all the calories. I try to keep my breakfast under 175cals…I’m not quite sure why..maybe that’s something I should explore within a bit more.
Insighful post as always lovely lady!
Beautiful post, Angela! Iwent through the same types of things..even if there was no *offical* workout, I would always do some jumping jacks or pushups before eating. *Always* no matter what meal it was or if I actaully had worked out. I’m so glad you turned around and that I was able to do the same- it’s much better this way! :D
You have come such a long way and so happy you faced your fears. Your love of food is infectious!!! When we face fears and over come obstacles it helps us grow in everyway…mind, body and soul. Investing time in ourselves is the best thing anyone person can do :)
Enjoy your day!
I personally still struggle with disordered eating, but inspirational blogs like yours are helping me to break out of that rut. I’m slowly working towards health by experimenting, and it definitely makes eating less stressful and more fun! Though I haven’t lost the weight I’ve gained after more than a year of bingeing, I’m hopeful that refocusing on health and listening to my body instead of counting calories and beating myself up will eventually restore balance to my body.
Thanks for everything that you do, Angela! You truly are a role model for anyone who has struggled (or still struggles) with acheiving a healthy, balanced life.
Alaina, good luck, keep it up! I’m at the same point as you. The past year has been hard as I’ve tried to find balance after a long time of the same feelings- counting calories, restricting, bingeing, feeling horrible- it’s an awful cycle and really really hard to get out of. I’m still not totally there but I am also hoping the balance will happen at some point soon! <3
I’m making the change, gradually, and my DH is joining me. It’s definitely a process, but we’re actually having a lot of fun trying new foods and recipes and thinking about how to eat real food instead of processed crap. This morning we had VOO for the first time, and we loved it! Easy, filling, tasty – perfect.
Two years ago I did a diet program and I lost some weight on it, but I was hungry ALL THE TIME and it wasn’t sustainable. Now I’m focusing on fitness and eating well rather than the number on the scale, but it’s hard sometimes to break out of the mindset that I should be punished for eating, or that food (any food) has to be earned.
Your positive mindset is really encouraging!
Just in the past few months my eating has drastically changed for the better. About a year and a half ago I started reducing my calorie intake, but it wasn’t until this spring that my total love of fruits and veggies began. In a matter of a month or two I went from eating a small salad with just lettuce and tomato with my veggie-less dinner to having a GIANT salad with every veggie (and some fruit) in my fridge and some toast on the side. My pasta is not more veggies than pasta. It still amazes me that 80% of the things I eat now I would never have eaten a year ago. It didn’t take me long to realize how amazing fruits and veggies make me feel and as soon as I did I never wanted to go back!
I fell like i have accepted that I will always obsess, binge, and never be free from constantly judging myself. I am so tired and worn down but can’t seem to let it go.
This post gives me some hope but i just don’t know if I’ll ever break free.
Does anyone have suggestions on how to comfort yourself and deal with anxiety and loneliness without binging?
Thanks for the support!
I’m exactly like you – I’ve accepted that life will probably never be free of binging, with the added hell of purging to “erase” the 10,000+ calories of that binge. I’m so bored and lonely that eating is the only thing alleviates those discomforts. I’ve been to many therapists, groups, etc, and still can’t break free. If only all those suggestions that are out there actually worked for me. Somehow listening to music, dancing, knitting, crafting, talking on the phone to a friend, reading, watching a movie, and all the millions of other activities don’t appeal to me as much as eating does. I’ve even left parties where there’s plenty going on and people to socialize with just to go home and binge alone. It’s so sad.
I can only hope that you find your way out. It seems that so many people have that I’m sure you can, too. It’s a matter of finding what motivates and works for you. However, I fear I’m pretty much doomed forever.
I also have BED and can relate to what you’re saying. It’s so isolating and lonely! I have just started seeing a counsellor who helps in these specific EDs and while it’s only been a month, she has gotten me to do a few activities that help a little. You might like to try?
One of them is as soon as you have a binge, write a few paragraphs down of exactly your thoughts at that time, while you’re angry or shameful at yourself. Be totally honest (lots of awful things may come out). The leave it and walk away. Come back the next day when you are in a better frame of mind and read it while writing next to it what you would say if your best friend said those things about herself. Apparently if you do this a few times a week you can being to undo the through patterns that are so ingrained in us.
Hugs!!
I’m struggling with this right now. I think I have come a far way since I have been able to admit that I’m in a vicious and unhealthy cycle. This is a step in the right direction for me.
Thanks for the story. You’re awesome and inspire me :)
hey angela!
it’s so great that you overcame your ED. i have struggled with an ED over the past couple of years, and haven’t fully recovered. I too still regress into bingeing/starving episodes. I was curious how you (angela and other readers) overcame your ED? i’m looking for guidance in a very frustrating, confusing time. thanks so much!
Jul, I keep going back and forth between a really healthy mindset and a really negative one that leads to months of cyclical, unbalanced starving and bingeing. When I’m in a healthy (though they’re short) phase, I have found a couple odd reasons how it’s come about. I tend to have way higher self esteem when I have been getting enough sleep, and exercise in fresh air. Everyone is different and your body might need one thing more than another, and for me, the catalyst for everything is sleep- if I’m not getting enough, I am hungrier, but moodier, and too tired to work out well, and so I stop eating, but then binge. It’s a bad cycle and it mostly starts with getting enough sleep for me! You should look at the patterns you go through to see what the most important health thing is for you- drinking water, exercise, sleep, veggies, meditation, whatever. That might help, at least I hope it does! good luck!
Hi Angela! I started reading your blog a few weeks ago, and I must tell you how much it has changed my perspective on eating and body image. Honestly, all the food blogs I have been reading the past year have helped, but I think yours truly hits me the most since I have suffered from disordered eating. I still weight every morning and count calories, but I am starting to not care as much as I used to… and a lot of this has to do with your blog and your journey on overcoming your ED. I respect you so much for sharing your experience, and I am definitely taking steps toward giving up control of my calorie counting. Like you said, I am scared of the unknown + of the possible weight gain, but I know I eat healthy on a regular basis and work out pretty hard most days of the week. I know I just need to let myself be free from it, but again, I am scared. But, I hope + pray that I will soon get the courage to let go. Thank you again for your wonderful blog + sharing your experiences!
I actually had a similar problem for a few years in college. After gaining weight during my sophomore year, I dramatically lowered my calorie intake, lost a lot of weight, and was tired all the time. I still find myself counting calories but I have recovered a great deal since then. Now I can’t imagine starting off my morning with out a hearty breakfast!
My eating habits have changed for the better. I didn’t eat breakfast at all through out college (unless you count a coffee and an occasional bagel). Then at lunch I would eat huge sandwiches. It was so unbalanced. Now I eat more frequent well balanced meals. I never get super hungry and I make better food choices as a result.
Great post Angela. I am so happy you wrote about this. You have actually been the one to inspire me to start eating larger breakfasts to fuel my day. I, just like you, used to really restrict in the mornings. I would try to keep my breakfasts between 150-200 calories. I would have just a little packet of oatmeal (~130 cals, depending on flavour), and MAYBE half a banana if I was feeling little hungrier. Somehow Ithought this would hold me over until lunch. I always wondered why I was so sluggish and irritable in the mornings.
Now, after reading your blog for over a year, along with a few others who eat large breakfasts, breakfast has now become my favourite meal of the day! I loveeee big bowls of VOO, oatmeal, green monsters, toast with peanut butter, etc. Now my breakfasts averagearound 400 cal, and sometmes that isn’t even enough to keep me going. I am so so happy I am finally starting to listen to my body and hunger, and am starting to not be afraid of eating. Thanks so much Angela.
Chelsea
This time last year, actually, I was developing the same thought process you once had.
I had JUST started really working out and getting into fitness..and from there my mind became filled with calorie counts. No matter what I ate (an apple, an orange) I HAD to know the exact amount of calories. And if I did “well” during the day..i’d binge on junk food at friends parties at night. I also ate the same thing for breakfast every morning…1 poached egg, 1 piece of whole grain toast and a sprinkle of cheese. I didn’t eat this because it was delicious (although it is!) but because it was LOW CALORIE.
Now i’ve eaten a giant beautiful bowl of oatmeal almost every morning this summer…and love it. :)
I can’t say that I still don’t think about calories…and still don’t binge by mistake..but I’m much, much better than I was. I don’t have a cup of tea for a snack and call it a day anymore. I have a LARGE appetite, and i’ll fuel it the right way !
I’ve learned a lot about nutrient-dense food this year, partly from your blog! I switched to almond milk after realizing that dairy milk makes my pms worse. That was a good change.
I’m eating oats right now. Do you ever add molasses? It’s full of healthy minerals and tastes like fall. A molasses spice glow bar would be pretty yummy too…
oooh – good idea! I might add molasses to my oats tomorrow morning!
Congratulations Ange – you’ve come SO far! Even though I didn’t know you in your ED days, I’ve read your posts about them and I think it’s awesome how your outlook is so different now. You should be so proud of yourself!
I used to be in a big breakfast rut before I started blogging and literally ate the same thing every day. I eventually got bored, and after having read a few blogs (and oggled numerous photos of your ridiculously delicious looking oats!) I finally put a stop to the monotony and started eating other things. Before, I was a calorie counter but didn’t take into account the fact that because I work out early in the morning, THAT’S when my body needs the most fuel! Now I thoroughly enjoy my big breakfasts which typically consist of some sort of cereal/yogurt/fruit combo or oats with interesting new toppings, and green monsters/smoothies galore!
My biggest change is watching out for “diet” foods. I noticed recently how they really mess with my hunger intuition. A few days of diet sodas and low-cal processed snacks will make me ravenously munchy! I found that by eating real food, I can listen to my real hunger cues and maintain a healthy weight without the stress of calorie counting or dieting.
Thank you for this post. I am still struggling with not binging on the weekends. I hope to come as far as you…I’m working towards it slowly.
Your honesty in this post is so admirable! I think once we can learn to discuss EDs, food, our bodies, and nutrition, the easier it becomes to face the truth and make positive changes. This is a process I’m currently struggling with and I realize it may get easier but it will never stop being a part of who I am. I’m a semi-new reader to your blog and keep coming back because I enjoy your posts for being informative and helpful, but not too extreme! Striking a balance when it comes to our bodies is tough and the more I can learn about other women walking that line, the more confident I feel when faced with making my own food-related choices! Thank you for being such a positive role model.
PS – I’ve converted to the Green Monster movement and LOVE IT. I’m not sure how I survived without those concoctions before.
Hi Angela!
well, I suppose it is about time I comment since I have been reading for a bit now! I just want to say you are incredible to be so honest and REAL! I am a private trainer in LA and many woman struggle with their bodies, body image, weight, food intake. I have always been lucky to not have issues with food and my body and that is why I have the passion to help others. Breakfast should be the best part of your day and I wish everyone knew that! As sad as it is to see, there can be a turnaround, just took at you:) Thanks for giving woman all around a piece of your light! BTW, we have so much in common, I look forward to sharing our insights in the future…
I went through a similar situation when I was younger. I would not let myself eat breakfast. I, like you, made myself work out as much as possible so that later in the day I could have a meal, err, small snack. I was miserable, but once I decided I was going to get healthy (and “healthy” had to take on a new meaning other than skinny in my mind) I began to add food to my diet. I found I also struggled with breakfast still though. Even though I had added food to later in my day I still made myself work for my breakfast. I has taken me until two years ago when I turned 25 to realize that breakfast could be filling and healthy. I now enjoy creating new things for breakfast and I look foward to starting my day off right!
I always eat breakfast. I learned a long time ago my body needed the fuel or I’d never get anything done!
thank you so much, angela for being so open and honest. you are a true inspiration.
i can so relate to your story that you shared. been there. still on the journey, although i have made a lot of progress in the last 6 months. i remember at one time i wouldn’t let myself have anything except diet coke before 1:30 pm – after a huge morning workout – and then only veggies. thank goodness i’ve come a long way since then! and i look forward to more progress! small steps! :) thanks so much to everyone who has shared comments, too. very helpful.
I think it’s important that anyone who has recovered from an eating disorder never forget where we came from, because the nature of the disease is that it can be all to easy to drift back. It’s SO HOPEFUL to read your posts about what life with food can be like. I recently regained a healthy body weight by eating nutrient and calorie dense food….oh the avocados and larabars that were consumed. But now I am striving for a healthy balance, and I do BELIEVE that’s possible!
Well it looks like you still think about numbers, given the stats on pumpkin that you rattled off in this post!
I understand that you’ve come a long way…but never forget people who eat nothing not out of choice, but from poverty, those who are malnourished not because they know so much about food and have practically unlimited access to it, but rather are underfed and starving…
Also, dramatic eating changes aren’t good for you. But your transformation was not dramatic, it was gradual, if I am correct – and that is good.
I used to think exactly the same things. When I saw a “thin” girl eating something I would tell myself “oh, well she must just throw that up later”. It just wasnt possible in my mind that someone could actually EAT without gaining weight.
I am so glad I broke out of that. I had given up, and accepted the fact that I was either going to let myself get “fat” or never eat again. It was either one or the other.
These days I eat more than my 6’3, 200 ish pound boss and I love every bite! :)
Until recently I’ve been able to eat whatever I want. I tried to keep my diet moderately healthy and I don’t overeat, but then I started having “upper right quadrant pain”. To make a long story short, I got a new Naturopathic doctor who put me on a liver detox diet followed by food challenges (still in the middle of that). Overnight I eliminated wheat, corn, eggs, dairy, beef, pork, nightshades, crustaceans, caffeine, and alcohol. After doing this for 5 weeks now I don’t intend to go vegan or raw or even vegetarian, but I do plan to eat very healthy. Plus it looks like dairy and corn will have to be eliminated due to allergic response.
I have never had an eating disorder, but upon gaining a lot of weight in the past couple years and a decrease in my exercise, I knew I wanted to change something. Then I found your blog. Seriously. It was THE inspiration for me to change it up with food & exercise and have fun with it! And I am!
It’s like you’re reading my mind from a few years ago! I stopped eating and started running cross country when I was 14, and for four years thought of almost nothing but calories calories calories, until my body was so starved that it pumped out hormones to make me binge all of the lost weight back. I’ve been getting better very, very slowly–only managed to finally kick the calorie-counting in the behind last month. It may take another year or two before I can really eat intuitively. And the real irony here is that this whole dangerous cycle started for no reason…at 14 I weighed only ten pounds more than I do now, and I think I’m pretty hot!
Thank you so much for this post. I can really relate. I used to not allow myself to eat breakfast and on days that I did I would have to workout first and even then my breakfast would hardly be classified as a snack (usually a small 60 calorie yogurt). That was about two years ago and I have made great progress since. You are always such an inspiration and I am motivated to stay on the right track by reading your blog :)
thank you for sharing this post! I have struggled in the past (high school) with these issues. I played varsity soccer in high school and remember eating only a diet coke and pack of poptarts all day long, and then heading out to 2 hours of rigorous practice. I lost a lot of weight, but wasn’t happy. It was a horrible feeling to be so fixated on weight and calories. Things are different now, and I’m so glad.
This is such a beautifully honest post. I so often struggle with that same mindset. That I have to earn whatever I eat. I feel like I eat a lot at meals, and compensate for it by how much exercise I do, but then I feel like when I don’t exercise for it, I’m cheating myself. I hate that way of thinking! No one should need to earn food, it’s such a natural thing. Thank you for reminding me of this!
Wow, Thank you for being so honest. I think a lot of us can relate to that. I used to feel that way, and it is hard hard work to try and change your way of thinking. THe blogworld definitely helps. It used to be a day by day experience for me, but now I only have a bad day every once in a while. I. love. food. ;)
Wow ! I love this article, whenever you describe your past, it reminds me of my sister last summer. She was sucked into this huge whole of food & insecurities that lead to excessive exercise & not enough fuel. You’re truly an inspiration!
P.S — I REAAAAAAAALLLLLYYYY want to make your recipes, like i dreamt about them last night… not cool! But I cant get my hands not chia seeds ! Where do you get them !? I live in Halifax, NS. HELP HELP HELP . :)
Hi Tasmiah!
I live in Halifax too :) You can find chia seeds at the Bulk Barn, Planet Organic, or online http://www.superseeds.ca/ss1/index.html
This post really could have come directly from my mouth. So much of my life was preoccupied with eating as little as I could get away with (and complete ditto on the calorie memorization – even now, if a coworker asks the stats of a food, I can rattle it off from years of meticulous number analyzing and brooding.) One of the hardest things was embracing the fact that I actually like to eat (and can pack away a respectable amount when need be!!!)
Thank you for sharing this Angela. I am still a bit weary of literally putting the word out there on my blog that I have had an eating disorder but I do share I have had struggles with food and weight obsession. My anorexia made me live on 0-500 calories for weeks on end while exercising at least an hour a day and nowadays I can’t fathom eating less than say 1600 or so haha (I eat more though, I just don;t count anymore). It really is a bittersweet realisation… on one hand it is very sad I used to live like that and torture myself like that, yet on the other hand I sometimes just have to laugh about it; was that really me?! I LOVE FOOD :). and of course it feels great to have turned things around for myself.
My point is, I still do have some hard days (fat days…) where I start questioning the amount I eat, and it always seems like everyone around me eats less (especially the ones that are not disordered in their eating at all…) but posts like this then make me realize again: DOH. food is fun, food is love, food is live, and food is fuel :). so, thank you!
love, sabine
Chocolate Pumpkin VOO? How do you GO wrong?! YUM!
I have drastically changed some things in the past. I think this time though I am taking it slow and easy.
You really are an inspiration. While I’ve never skipped breakfast, I do make myself “earn” it first. I struggle with emotional eating and even looking at your delicious and healthy overnight oat concoctions cause me some anxiety. I think that I could never be as trim as you if I ate that. I hope to one day get to the place you are.
I think all of us has had food issues of one kind or another. I would try to keep all my meals to 200 calories. I would only eat about 1000 calories for the day and often much less. That doesn’t fuel much at all. My workouts were intense and sweaty. I was constantly tired and couldn’t figure out why. Then I read Thrive. It talks all about fueling your body. Once I started bulking up my breakfast I felt so much better. Those old thoughts creep back in from time to time. I find that I’m counting calories/fat grams or whatever without even thinking. Once I realize it I stop and ask…are you eating whole food? is it processed? no? then why are you stressing about it? Now I try to eat slowly until I’m full and enjoy every single bite. If I do decide to indulge in something sweet or whatever then I’m going to enjoy it. I’ve come so far in this respect. Thank God!
My eating habits have changed drastically throughout my life. From eating a lot of “junk” as a kid, to barely eating anything when I had an ED, to eating healthy, etc. I am happy now at my current state and I will do my best to keep it this way! When my ED was really bad I used to tell myself I will be like this forever”. It was a horribly depressing thought. I am so glad that I stopped believing that and proved that statement wrong.
Wonderful post, Angela. For many of us in this blog community, it’s hard to fathom a world where breakfast is the enemy (considering it seems to be the favorite and most celebrated meal of the day for most!) – whether we’ve never been affected by an ED, or have recovered from one. But that has been a reality for so many people… it is amazing to look back at an old eating habit from a much healthier, wiser perspective and be able to recognize the futility in that kind of restriction! Breakfast is a beautiful thing that SHOULD be celebrated :)
angela, you’re really such a bigger inspiration than you know. i’m in the midst of struggling to regain balance and a healthy relationship with food. my food struggles sound incredibly similar to your own. the cycle of eating, not eating, over eating and always loathing the sight in the mirror is unbearable. not to mention compulsively listing off nutritional stats of foods. it feels like my entire life is governed by food and eating. to see someone has challenged the power of an ED and won inflates hope into my chest again. thanks for this post, it was the perfect thing to read this morning!
Wow. What a great post!
Really ‘moving’ too, as it made my heart jump for joy; for you, and a little bit for myself too, I’ll have to admit – when I realized that what you were describing has been a reality for me too, for way too long.
But I love to think that that really doesn’t matter anymore; what counts is that today is góód, because it’s not like thát anymore.
So strange how you actually make yourself believe that it’s ok to live like that, because you’re special in a way – you don’t deserve what everybody, anyone for that matter, doés deserve.
xoxo
KillER photos lady!!! :) I made pumpkin chocolate VOO this morning…soooo delish! Over the past 3 years my eating lifestyle has definitely changed and I’m loving it! I never realized that you could be SO in tune with your body that you know if you need more fat, protein, or just a big glass of OJ. I’m constantly amazed.