“With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
When I think about my struggles with anxiety, I realize that I live in the future too much. It’s crazy how much I worry about things that haven’t happened yet and probably never will happen. I’ve spent my entire life battling the anxiety monster and I’ve missed out on so many great opportunities due to debilitating fear.
Not knowing what will happen makes me anxious. I like predictability and when I’m in situations without it, I can feel it creeping in.
So what does my mind do with the unknown?
I predict what will happen. And anxiety dictates that it’s mostly negative. This creates more anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle.
Control is an illusion, anyway. I can’t ‘control’ what happens to me, but I can learn how to deal with anxiety in a positive manner. I studied psychology for 7 years in university and I’ve read countless studies about the effectiveness of therapy. I’m a believer in it, but I’ve never taken the time to really apply it to myself as much as I could. I can learn coping mechanisms, countering thoughts, breathing techniques, mantras, and visualizations to help. I can work with a Cognitive Behavioural psychologist to work on changing my thought processes. I can talk to people about it. I can write. I can be creative. I can run. I can do yoga. I can be honest about how I feel.
I can laugh about it with Eric when I tell him what I’m anxious about and the look on his face makes me burst into laughter, realizing how ridiculous my worries sound out loud.
Insanity can be defined as repeating the same behaviour over and over and expecting a different outcome. Well, lock me up and throw away the key! If we don’t change our behaviours, thoughts, and actions, we will never grow. If I keep doing what I’m doing now, my anxiety will never get better. However, when we’re struggling with something, we can always open other doors and explore other avenues…
That’s why my goal for July is simple:
To live in the present as much as possible.
I want to get out of my own head, fears, and negative stories on loop. I want to stop losing so much time to the future (and past) and be present in the moment. Of course, it’s good to think about the future and past sometimes- that’s part of the excitement of life- but I also think being present is something that I must work on.
As someone whose mind is always spinning constantly about the past and future, I’ve never had a clue how to go about living in the present. After some research, I’ve come up with an action plan. I’m going to print this list off and put it in a couple places where I will see it daily- my bathroom mirror and my desk.
How I will live in the present:
1) BREATHE
Breathing fully and deeply does not come natural to me. Well, I’m sure it did at one point, but somewhere along the line I became a shallow breather. The more wound up I get, the less I breathe. I’m trying to be mindful of my breath, especially in those moments when I need it the most. Before entering an anxiety provoking situation, I try to stop and take at least 3 deep breaths before proceeding. I used to do this when I gave many presentations in grad school and it really helped calm me before jumping in.
2) Be a Minimalist
Remove your unneeded possessions. We just did this last weekend and Eric and I both felt a huge sense of calmness when we parted with half of the things we own. Physical clutter turns into mind clutter and removing everything but the essentials restores a feeling of tranquility and reminds us what is truly important in life. It sure isn’t material things. Minimalism doesn’t just happen overnight, but the more I approach this lifestyle, the more mindful I am when I make every purchase. This also applies to grocery shopping. Lately, I’ve been more mindful not to bring in new food before the food in the house is used up!
3) Smile
Throughout my life, I’ve been known for being a smiling, happy girl. My teachers even used to write that on my report cards. However, when I let my anxieties weigh me down, my face turns into an anxiety monster. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about something and I notice that I have a huge frown on my face just due to a mere thought. Thoughts are very powerful, but they don’t define who we are and we shouldn’t allow them to change our mood so instantly. Acknowledge your thoughts whatever they may be and then smile. One of my favourite things to do is to smile at a complete stranger because you never know how it will impact their day.
4) Forgive the past
I’ve been through some crappy things in my life and no matter how long ago these past hurts occurred, I will catch myself thinking about it as if it is happening to me now. Sometimes memories are so vivid and real. By failing to forgive things that have happened in my past, I fail to move forward and to be present in the moment. Forgiveness is a personal choice, but when I chose to forgive the past, I feel more free.
5) Dream big, but work hard today.
There is no better moment to accomplish your goals than right now. Planning is motivating, but it’s important to focus on what we can do in the moment and not get too caught up in the future. As we know, things don’t always happen as we predict. All we have is this moment right now.
6) Do one thing at a time.
I’m a chronic multi-tasker like many women. Sure, I make to-do lists occasionally, but that doesn’t stop me from tackling 8 things at once. Due to multi-tasking, I feel like my attention is never 100% where it should be. I may decide to work on a writing project for a certain amount of time, but I’m often composing emails, responding to comments, editing photos, shipping orders, and writing a blog post at the same time. I don’t think that all multi-tasking is negative, but I need to focus on being in the moment for the task at hand. If I tried to do one thing at a time, I think my goal for mindfulness would be easier and I would feel less frazzled.
7) Do less.
It seems like society is always encouraging is to do more, and more, and more. To fill our days to the absolute brim. Where does it get us in the end? Feeling frazzled with half-assed accomplishments? Doing less could mean that you accomplish goals with better concentration and better quality. Rushing things rarely leads to mindfulness. Sometimes, I like to start a writing blog post (like this one) and chip away at it over the course of 2-3 days. When I take it slow, ideas will often come to me over time. Had I hit publish on my first draft, I never would have fully developed my ideas.
8.) Add space
Along the same lines of ‘do less’, add space between your tasks. Don’t schedule things super close together for 12 hours straight. Give yourself a little wiggle room to breathe. If you write a to-do list, leave a few blanks so you can fill them in as things pop up during your day. Things ALWAYS pop up!
9) Cleaning as meditation
I tend to look at cleaning tasks as one dreaded chore after another. There never seems to be enough time for cleaning and when we tackle the list, it’s always a mad rush to bust through it. Cleaning can be a form of mindfulness though and rituals are often calming. Next time you clean, put your full attention into each task, concentrate, and do them slowly. Look at cleaning (and exercise!) as a stress relief in your day rather than a chore.
10) Spread the love
Do something nice for someone everyday. Smile at strangers. Hold the door open. Buy someone a coffee. Give to the needy. Call a loved one. Give someone your seat on the train. Compliment someone. Say ‘I appreciate you’. It just feels so damn good.
[For my research, I used one of my all-time favourite blogs Zen Habits. If you aren’t already reading this blog, you must check it out!]
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After I wrote my ‘We Are Never Alone’ post and talked about going back into therapy, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And then I read your beautiful comments and emails, and I was overcome with gratitude. I will never second guess posting something that is so much a part of who I am. Once we remove the shame from how we feel, true healing can begin.
And I must say, while writing this post I was really living in the moment. Writing is a great release!
“If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” -Unknown
I don’t have serious issues with anxiety, but my husband does. I’m totally sharing this list when he gets home from the surprise massage I booked him this evening. Maybe taking an hour to focus on his body and relaxing helped ease his mind for a while. :)
Hi! Nice to find this blog! How bright shined! How beautiful you are!
I became a big fun of you at first sight! Sorry, my English might be strange.
I live in Japan. And I’m learning English right now.
I have two sons, and have tough relationship with my father . It influences to the relationship with my husband . He has addiction to alcoholic. I have a shopping addiction. But I’m overcoming it! Little by little, step by step.
I’m working on myself. To know, to admit, to love myself.
I want my husband to stop drinking. I’ve tried hard to. I come to realize I can’t change him. Only thing I can change is myself, my attitude, my way of thought.
I was encouraged by your blog. Thank you!
Sincerely, Kyoko
Welcome!
Thank you so much for this post. It is good to know that I am not the only one as a “control freak” (and a Psychologist…. what a irony!). Great tips… thanks fpr sharing them :)
These tips are great Angela – thank you!
By the way, I absolutely love the Zen Habits blog! It is so refreshing…thank you so much for the link!!!!
I just read your beautiful post as I unplugged from the internet over the weekend. :)
I, too, struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. I have to work on letting things go and not to agonize about everything. It’s really hard because the things I worry about are often totally unreasonable (especially when spoken out loud).
Now, when panic creeps up again, I no longer try to repress it because that makes it even worse. Instead, I found it very helpful to “simply” accept that something makes me panicing right now and I try explore the source of my panic. I usually take my notebook and write down the circle of my thoughts. This helps me to get to the real source.
Your list is just amazing!
I’d only add one point: When anxiety creeps up become clear about what would be the worst thing that could happen. For me, the worst thing to happen would be loosing my loved ones and being all alone. And this is most unlikely to happen. So, no matter what happens, I will usually find a way to make things work because I can trust on the support by others. I might not immediately find the perfect solution but it can only get better from that.
I really needed to read this today. I’m probably the most anxious person that I know. My husband is alway telling me not to worry about things, but I can’t help it sometimes. The biggest thing that works for me right now is to tell myself outloud to “stop” and that “it’s not worth it”.
I’m definitely going to be using some of your other tips and converting them to work for me.
Thank you, so much, for this. Truly.
Wow, this just hit home!! Last night, I had a hard time falling asleep as I was thinking about my parents going on a small trip and what if something would happen to them, and I was thinking about my brother who was babysitting the family dog and if he would take good care of her in the absence of my parents…and on and on and on…For me I know it’s getting worst with the older I get (I am now 34, almost 35) because I didn’t use to be this way.
Thank you for this post. It made me feel better to know that I am not alone :-)
I can sooo much relate to this!! I’m also anxious a lot, but I tend to see it positively lately…I feel that a lot of people who suffer from anxiouty are the ones who are successful – just look at what you built out of nothing!!! I don’t say that it is just positive and good, but we can try to look at it this way, maybe thats also relaxing us a bit – you are not alone with this!!
Thanks Ulli :)
your ‘smile more’ goal reminds me of the scene in Eat, Pray, Love where the Balinese medicine man asks Liz to meditate while smiling… not just with her face but with every part of her :) Good luck with your July goal, its a great one to have!
Thank you for this post! This post is exactly what I needed today. I too have started a major overhaul of removing unnecessary objects, projects, time-killers, and to-do items in efforts to be a little less crazed all the time. I think it’s working. Your list is very helpful to keep the momentum going! Thx!
I’ve been a chronic “worrier” my entire life. After I had my first baby 18 months ago, I suffered from post-partum depression and anxiety (that only seemed to get worse as the day got closer to me returning to work). I started therapy and one of the best things I took away from it was just what you’re talking about – focus on today. My therapist actually said, “you are not a fortune teller…and if you were, you’d be a pretty bad one.” In other words, don’t try and control or predict things that you can’t. It’s still a struggle because I think I’m just hard-wired to plan, anticipate, and be prepared in life…but her statement has helped me when my anxiety gets really high. Thanks for sharing your journey and thoughts on the topic – it’s so helpful to hear I’m not the only one who struggles with some of the same hurdles.
wow I love that quote, thank you for sharing!
Hi there Angela,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while and I find your posts really inspiring! (along with the recipes too of course!)
At first I was losing weight healthy and in a good amount of time, but then it spiralled down into anorexia nervosa for a bit. Ever since I’ve been reading your blog and a few others, it has actually helped me to recover from the illness. I want to take the time to say thank you for making me realize that eating whole, healthy foods will not make me gain weight. Also to maintain a healthy weight and still be an active person.
I’ve tried only a few of your recipes so far which was the zucchini walnut bread, banana soft serve overnight oats, and the simple vegan overnight oats.
Many more recipes ahead to try out, and I am really looking forward to new posts each and everyday!
xo
Thank you Amy :) Im happy to hear that you are on the road to recovery!
Great post!!! I am horrible about living in the moment. That is why I love running as well. I can just focus on that run; it really helps me.
Life: Must be present to win. I saw that online somewhere are few weeks ago and thought about how true that it. If we aren’t present in the moment we miss so many things. My children are 4, 2, and 7 weeks and I am trying to remind myself of that because before I know it they will be grown up!
I just started to read your blog not too long ago and love it. I too struggle with anxiety and fear. I don’t know your religious views but it has been helpful for me to cary a small card with me with 2Timothy 1:7 written on it : “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” It”s good to have a reminder that I have power over my anxiety and fear and I shouldn’t let it control me.
Great post. Thank you
Thanks for sharing this! This is just what I needed :) I felt an instant uplifting of inspiration after reading this. You really do GLOW, inspiringly inside and out. “I appreciate this post” Smile :-D
Thanks for this : )
I also struggle with trying to be more present. It’s a work in progress!
Thanks to think link to Zen blog, what a great discovery!
Number 6 has SAVED me these past few weeks. After being admitted to hospital, I could have spent every minute of every day just spinning about all the “what ifs” of what could happen. Thankfully, my mind doesn’t always work like that, thankfully, I’m a lot more focused. I do still worry, but I can only ever worry about one thing at a time. Usually the next step, the most recent hurdle. If I start thinking about three months from now, or what could happen two years from now, I will spiral into a very dark place. Living in the moment is survival. It’s what allows me to wake up every day and still ENJOY my life, even though in theory my life “could” be crappy compared to others right now.
Great post Ange :)
Found your blog through Frugal Fun & Fortune. I have such a problem being in the moment. I just cannot seem to do it! I’m always thinking about the next thing and occasionally thinking about the past. And I am a shallow breather too! I’m so used to it that I often don’t think to manually make myself take a deep breath. I do love to smile at strangers. Though I was shocked the other day when I was in the store with my adorable toddler and smiled at a lady as she walked right next to us (we were in a very thin aisle) and didn’t even look my way! I am trying to declutter our house but it’s hard because my husband is very frugal (I am too, but not to the extent that he is) and won’t get rid of anything. Example: The after shave someone gave him 6 months ago that he hasn’t touched and forgot was on his desk. When he first got it, he said it smelled like it was for a girl. When I asked him if I could donate it, he looked at it again, saw that it was also a moisturizer and said he’d use it as lotion. Ugggh!!! Anyways, I really enjoyed this post and look forward to checking out others.