I know it is not Mother’s Day but I loved this cartoon too much. [Source]
In the words of Stephanie Tanner, WHOA BABY!
You guys set a new record for the most commented Hot Topic post ever on OSG. I think that was the most fun I have ever had reading comments. Between you and I, I caught ERIC reading through the comments last night!! :mrgreen:
I was also thrilled to see a few men comment, including my Brother in Law (‘glowingBIL’).
As many of you noticed I did not offer my own opinion on the question in yesterday’s post! That was on purpose, of course!
Sometimes I find that it is difficult to deal with sensitive issues on the blog without coming across the wrong way. As many of you noted, the question is a very personal and sensitive topic and I did not want to diminish anyone’s situation in any way. I respect where all of you are right now and I respect all of your opinions on the matter. Whether you have them at 22, 38, adopt, or decide that you won’t have them…only YOU can know what is best for you!
Women have a huge amount of pressure in this area and many women feel pressured to either have kids or feel badly about themselves when they decide that kids are not for them. It can be a very judgmental topic, so you can imagine my absolute delight when I read through the comments and realized that everyone was so polite, understanding, and supportive of one another.
You all are a classy bunch. But I knew that already.
MY STORY:
I used to say that I didn’t want children when I was a teenager. I was always met with the ‘oh you will someday’ responses and I started to feel like maybe something was wrong with me because I didn’t want kids. To be completely honest with you, I have always been a bit scared of children! I always felt like I was going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing when they were around. I know that my fear about children swayed my opinion of whether I wanted children myself.
When I entered my twenties my opinion slowly started to change. I started to toy around with the idea. Eric and I have been together since I was 17 (him 18) and I started to think about it, even though I knew I was years from being ready.
Everything changed for me when I saw my sisters have children.
I could relate so much to what Lindsay said in the comments, ‘At first I didn’t want kids. Then my sister had a baby and something inside happened! 2 months later I conceived my son.’
When I met my nephews and nieces, I knew right away that I wanted to experience that same kind of love one day. The love I feel for them is so strong and seeing my sisters raise beautiful children who love them and adore them so much, is quite a sight to witness.
I think about Sketchie and how much I love him and then I try and fathom what the love for my own child would feel like…and I just can’t comprehend it. I think that it would be a feeling like no other.
Eric and I do not have a particular age in mind when we want to have our first child, but we do want kids. I knew when I didn’t want them- while in university and during my Master’s career. However had it happened, we would have gotten by regardless. We are really happy right now and we take each day as it comes. We also have plans to do some traveling before we batten down the hatches. ;) I’m 26 and most days I still feel so young.
Given the diversity of your comments, there is obviously no right answer or wrong answer. I think it is important that we are supportive of other women, regardless what their choice may be. I can only imagine how annoying it is for women who chose not to have children and are faced with negative comments their whole lives. No one should have to be judged like that.
I think it is a given that women face a lot of pressure and this topic is an area where women face lots of it. So in that respect…
Do you feel pressured to have kids or did you…and by whom? Do you feel pressure to have them by a certain age, or a certain number of kids? Are you judged because you don’t want kids?
For the moms out there, do you feel pressure to be that ‘Super Mom’?
PS- I have already changed my Spring Training Plan around! I am super busy in the bakery this week and also sore from yesterday’s Booty Camp so I will be skipping my run today. No biggie though! I will re-work this week a bit and update the schedule as needed.
PSS- See you tomorrow for the lunch that changed my life!!
Yes! My husband’s sister has two kids and another on the way. She’s my age, 27. His brother has a kid with another on the way and he’s only 25. They always ask when we’re going to catch up, but it’s not realistic for my life right now. I have two bad knees that I’m nursing and my knees couldn’t handle pregnancy weight plus running around with children. I really do hope to have kids soon (I’d probably already have them if it weren’t for my knee pain) but it’s not realistic. I hate that other people think that what’s going on in their life can be easily applied to your own.
I’m not even engaged yet and my (future) mother in law is pressuring me about kids. She has like some crazy baby fever. It drives me crazy! I can’t imagine how she’ll be once I am finally married.
As I said on my reply on your earlier post, I feel very fortunate that my husband and I really don’t get any pressure from most of our family and friends. We have made our position clear and thank god, they respect it (or if they don’t, are decent enough people to keep their opinions to themselves). I think it also helps that I have an aunt & uncle on my dad’s side who chose to not have kids, so my family has seen first hand that choosing to be childfree is not the worst thing ever. We both get more grief from acquaintences, work colleagues, etc., if we choose to answer their nosey questions about why we don’t have kids yet. I’ve been told everything from “you’ll feel different when you’re older” to “there must be something wrong with you if you don’t want kids.” Now that I’m older, I’m very grateful for the parenting class I took in 11th grade (and I still have no idea how I ended up in that class since I knew back then that I didn’t want kids!) On the first day our teacher asked us “why have kids?” She got all kinds of answers – to carry on the family name, to have someone to take care of you when you’re old, to please your family, etc. She acknowledged every answer, but told us that in the end, the best reason to have children was not being able to picture your life without them. I have often thought back to that day in class as I realize that teacher was right. Interestingly enough, all of those “reasons” that were offered up by those 11th graders as answers have also been presented to me as arguments as to why my husband and I should have kids! If I ever cross paths with that teacher again, she will be getting a big hug from me for unknowingly helping me to be firm in my beliefs (and my hubby feels the same way, thank god!)
It’s so funny that when you were a teenager you said you never wanted kids- I feel the SAME WAY. I’m afraid to be around them for too long because I don’t want to say something they’re not supposed to hear and scar them for life! ahah
When I babysit, I find it weird that I don’t have sympathy for the kids when they cry over stupid things. The inner me wants to tell them to suck it up, but mothers are always so sweet and comforting no matter the situation…
I don’t know if I would ever be able to be a consoleing supportive mother! I would definitly screw up my children for life.
I think you will do a great job some day, you have the best attitude I could imagine in a mother!!
When I first had the boys I did feel pressured to be Supermom. It was exhausting. Then I realized how completely ridiculous it all was. My kids don’t care if things are perfect. All they want is my attention. They don’t want to be shipped off to twenty different activities in a week.
They want to see a mom who is happy to be with them not one who is so frazzled she’s ready to drink in the garage because getting things perfect is so impossible. So ok, some nights I go to bed with dishes in the sink. Some nights we have take-out because I’ve burned dinner. That’s life. Messes happen. What they will remember most is the love and the peace that comes with being able to find balance. I like my relaxed attitude. I think my kids thrive because of it.
I had to laugh when I read this post and the comments, thinking about my mother-in-law. She is beyond desperate for my partner and I to have kids. Poor girl tries to keep the comments to herself, but sometimes she slips up.
We are not interested, and it’s quite obvious to anyone who sees us interacting with kids that we’ve made the right decision so far.
The last time she brought it up, I said that we had our guinea pigs and were quite happy with them being our only wards. So now she is encouraging us to adopt another pig. I guess she’ll take what she can get.
Growing up, I thought I never wanted children. It was a combination, I think, of my parents divorce wreaking emotional havoc on me and my own self-centered selfishness. Over the past year or so I’ve done a complete 180. I definitely want children one day – I’m just terrified that I’ll be a horrid, selfish mother or a smothering mother or goodness knows what. I really don’t know when I “plan” to have children – but I look at my mother, my aunt, and my grandmothers and I realized that I am older than all of them when they were when they first got pregnant and began having children. I don’t really know what that means, but at this point in my life I feel entirely unprepared for motherhood! Life is so different now, I guess.
I didn’t have any pressure to have kids until I got married. My mom knew I wanted to adopt due to medical issues but wanted me to be in a stable relationship. Now since day one they’ve (MIL, mom and dad) been asking us when we are going to adopt. The same story “your older (we got married at 26 and 30)” “It takes awhile to adopt” “we’re not getting any younger” “your children will be our only grand kids (neither of our siblings want to reproduce).” It kind of puts pressure on an already tense situation. But when we’re ready we’ll adopt.
I have always wanted kids. Ive always thought that Im SUPPOSED to be a mom. Im definitely feeling the pressure already. Im only 24, but I dont even have a degree. I want to go back to school (and plan to start online courses as soon as I have enough money) but Im afraid if I go to school for what I really want, I’ll be too old to have kids by the time Im done. Ok – not too old, but older than I WANT to be.
Ive tried to imagine how much I would love my own children too, and when I think about how much I love my dog, I cant even start to comprehend what it would be like.
For me, I want to have kids before Im 30 – but ideally it would be around 27-28.
I dont feel pressure from anyone other than myself which I guess is good. My mom has made it clear a couple times that she wants me to have kids, but shes not rushing me, its more just imagining.
My main problem (and I shouldnt be posting this on the internet, but Im going to anyway) is that I dont know that my boyfriend is responsible enough to have kids. I love him, but he complains about having to walk the dog. If he cant even handle that responsibility, what would he be like with a baby?
Its scary.
Well this topic has hit home for a lot of people. I learned long ago to never say never. My husband and I got married when I was 19 and he was 24. At that young age neither one of us thought we would ever want kids. We were so in love and enjoying life as a couple.We had no pressure from any family about having kids,we married so young that everyone felt like we had plenty of time for that later. They were right.
By the time I was 24 I had changed my mind and so had he. Shortly after I turned 26 our daughter was born. Four years later we had a son. I can’t imagine my life with out my kids. I love being a mom. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise my kids and that is what I did. I have no regrets about spending every day with my children. For me no “job” or career can compare to being a mom!
They are now college students and due to the economy they are both living at home and commuting. We are a very happy family and they often tell me how lucky they were to have a stay at home mom. They can’t imagine growing up any other way.Since I was home we were the house that all the kids hung out at.
We have friends our age who don’t have children and they have happy marriages and great lives. I think it is more acceptable now to choose not to have children.
I didn’t feel pressured at all to have children. Growing up I knew that I always wanted kids…i’ve always said 4 was a good number (but now I know we have to have the money for 4!). I think that’s why no one really said “so when are the babies coming…?” after we got married because they knew it’d be soon after. I just feel so lucky that it didn’t take us long to get pregnant. There are so many women who I know that it took them a long time. I was always afraid that I would have fertility problems. I don’t know why, it was just in the back of my mind.
I think having children is such a personal decision and I love that there is such a variety of women who have commented that feel one way or another….I think it’s becoming more socially acceptable to either wait to have children or none at all.
Sometimes I feel pressured by my sister and my mother-in-law. It is a little annoying, but I just brush it off! We will have kids when we are ready. I’m 26, and have plenty of time. I want to finish my masters, and then my Ph.D. Why do people have to be in such a hurry?!
I told my husband when we got married that I didn’t want children, and I never changed my mind. I’m just about 48 now. I have never regretted it (and yes, I have nieces & nephews).
I do have 2 cats & 2 dogs. I like to joke I got the feline gene, not the maternal one.
When I was younger there was some pressure, but not much. Mostly it was along the lines of “I hope you don’t regret your decision”. Well, I’m a pretty decisive person and as I said, I’ve never regretted it.
I think the most important thing is to listen to yourself, and not anyone else. It’s an awesome responsibility, and you’ve really got to want it.
As to the Ezekiel wraps — I really like them (the english muffins are great, too, btw). I soften them by microwaving them very briefly.
yes, i feel a lot of pressure to have children from myself. I’ll be 25 in a few weeks, have been with my boyfriend for 7 years this month, and he is still in school. We’re not officially engaged or even living together. I just get nervous because when I think about all we have to do first: move in together, get engaged, plan a wedding, get married, enjoy life….I also want to finish grad school; it just feels like there isn’t enough time! I don’t want to have a bunch of kids after 30 because I know the risk goes up for down syndrome and other complications with age. I wish I could just extend my 20’s for 10 more years.
Awww, I definitely DEFINITELY want children. For a few years I was totally against it and said if I ever had them that it wouldn’t be til 35. However I feel like my body has changed it’s mind, because whenever I see little kids I just think about having one.
Damn that clock, haha
My husband and I have been back and forth about whether or not we want children for quite some time. Whenever we would mention not having children, people would just blow us off about it and say things like “you’ll change your mind (wink, wink)” or “you will someday.” We are now firmly decided against children and are still getting the same types of comments. Funny enough (since you just mentioned workplace pressures), everyone in my workplace pressures me to have children. I can’t even mention a stomachache, headache, or heightened sense of smell around my coworkers without getting smirks and comments from my coworkers about how I am probably pregnant [insert eyeroll here].
I sometimes get tired of people thinking that we haven’t thought this issue through enough or that we aren’t old enough to really be able to come to the conclusion that we don’t want children. They don’t doubt our ability to decide other things, so why is it that we can’t just be normal people that have decided not to have biological children? My husband is getting a vasectomy soon and people are REALLY amazed by that. You would think that nobody under the age of 50 has ever done it before. Sometimes I just want to tell them to butt out. Everything at my workplace is so open and I am a pretty reserved person, so I try to be very careful about what I say, otherwise the entire organization will know very private details.
Coming to terms with our decision has still been difficult for me, which really surprised me. The reason that we finally were able to come to a complete and final decision is that I was diagnosed with a rare type of blood cancer about 6 months ago and pregnancy would be very risky for both me and any baby. So obviously, that factor made it easy for us to say that we are never going to have children. However, most of my coworkers don’t know about that, so assume that we are strange because we don’t want kids (they assume that we still will have some eventually!). Now I try to make sure that I don’t judge others for their decisions to have several children or to not have any at all. It is no fun being on the other end of that.
I am the same age as you and I feel an overwhelming pressure to have kids. Part of it is a pressure I put on myself, but the other part of it is, my significant other is 9 years older than I am. I get concerned sometimes that he will get to be too old to be running after children by the time he’s ready.
Great post Ange! I have plenty of friends with kids so at times, the pressure is most certainly on. However, living in this century it’s very clear that the standards and timing of when things are expected to “happen” has definitely changed and the boundaries/borders of when to have kids are very flexible now which I think is wonderful (and eases that pressure!)
I have never felt too much pressure but now I am almost forty and I think people realize I do not want children. There is nothing wrong with it and I like children-I am a school teacher-I just like having my personal time to myself and my husband.
I wrote a really long answer to this and then decided to stick it in my blog as a post instead. In short, I feel pressure from everyone around me. And while I’d like to have kids in my early 30s, I’d be fine if I didn’t. Would I be judged for voicing that? Absolutely, which is why I don’t – I can’t be bothered with the hassle.