I know it is not Mother’s Day but I loved this cartoon too much. [Source]
In the words of Stephanie Tanner, WHOA BABY!
You guys set a new record for the most commented Hot Topic post ever on OSG. I think that was the most fun I have ever had reading comments. Between you and I, I caught ERIC reading through the comments last night!! :mrgreen:
I was also thrilled to see a few men comment, including my Brother in Law (‘glowingBIL’).
As many of you noticed I did not offer my own opinion on the question in yesterday’s post! That was on purpose, of course!
Sometimes I find that it is difficult to deal with sensitive issues on the blog without coming across the wrong way. As many of you noted, the question is a very personal and sensitive topic and I did not want to diminish anyone’s situation in any way. I respect where all of you are right now and I respect all of your opinions on the matter. Whether you have them at 22, 38, adopt, or decide that you won’t have them…only YOU can know what is best for you!
Women have a huge amount of pressure in this area and many women feel pressured to either have kids or feel badly about themselves when they decide that kids are not for them. It can be a very judgmental topic, so you can imagine my absolute delight when I read through the comments and realized that everyone was so polite, understanding, and supportive of one another.
You all are a classy bunch. But I knew that already.
MY STORY:
I used to say that I didn’t want children when I was a teenager. I was always met with the ‘oh you will someday’ responses and I started to feel like maybe something was wrong with me because I didn’t want kids. To be completely honest with you, I have always been a bit scared of children! I always felt like I was going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing when they were around. I know that my fear about children swayed my opinion of whether I wanted children myself.
When I entered my twenties my opinion slowly started to change. I started to toy around with the idea. Eric and I have been together since I was 17 (him 18) and I started to think about it, even though I knew I was years from being ready.
Everything changed for me when I saw my sisters have children.
I could relate so much to what Lindsay said in the comments, ‘At first I didn’t want kids. Then my sister had a baby and something inside happened! 2 months later I conceived my son.’
When I met my nephews and nieces, I knew right away that I wanted to experience that same kind of love one day. The love I feel for them is so strong and seeing my sisters raise beautiful children who love them and adore them so much, is quite a sight to witness.
I think about Sketchie and how much I love him and then I try and fathom what the love for my own child would feel like…and I just can’t comprehend it. I think that it would be a feeling like no other.
Eric and I do not have a particular age in mind when we want to have our first child, but we do want kids. I knew when I didn’t want them- while in university and during my Master’s career. However had it happened, we would have gotten by regardless. We are really happy right now and we take each day as it comes. We also have plans to do some traveling before we batten down the hatches. ;) I’m 26 and most days I still feel so young.
Given the diversity of your comments, there is obviously no right answer or wrong answer. I think it is important that we are supportive of other women, regardless what their choice may be. I can only imagine how annoying it is for women who chose not to have children and are faced with negative comments their whole lives. No one should have to be judged like that.
I think it is a given that women face a lot of pressure and this topic is an area where women face lots of it. So in that respect…
Do you feel pressured to have kids or did you…and by whom? Do you feel pressure to have them by a certain age, or a certain number of kids? Are you judged because you don’t want kids?
For the moms out there, do you feel pressure to be that ‘Super Mom’?
PS- I have already changed my Spring Training Plan around! I am super busy in the bakery this week and also sore from yesterday’s Booty Camp so I will be skipping my run today. No biggie though! I will re-work this week a bit and update the schedule as needed.
PSS- See you tomorrow for the lunch that changed my life!!
We are struggling with infertility for the past 2.5 years and have finally decided to go for adoption. I can’t do IVF. I just won’t put my body through that. We are opting for IUI but send in our adoption papers last week. I’m so excited to start the journey!
Oh! And at the ripe young age of 22, I’ve gotten pressure from my DOCTOR!!! I have an ovarian disease and she said that if I wanted to have children, I shouldn’t put it off for too long.
All I know is that I’m not ready yet. Maybe in a few years, who knows?
My husband and I are lucky that we don’t get much pressure from either of our families to have kids anytime soon, despite the fact we’ve been together 8 years. I suspect that might change once he gets his Ph.D. this year and finds a full-time job…
I admit that I pressure the husband a bit to have kids, largely because I feel really emotionally ready to take on parenting. Unfortunately, we’re not in the best place financially or professionally to do so just yet (and I’d like to lose some more weight before we start trying). We’ll see how it goes; whenever it happens it will be amazing and exciting and an adventure! :)
Being on the “no kids for me, thanks” train, I don’t get any pressure from my family anymore (and never really did, when I think about it). I think it’s party because a) my parents and their siblings who do have kids were all older when they did (my mom was 33 when she had me and 39 when she had my sister) and I feel like they relate to the “life without kids” idea more and b) out of my parents’ 5 siblings, there are 3 without kids. I have two aunts who are now well past childbearing years and are childless. So, I guess, it kind of runs in the family!
I don’t feel like I get pressure from any friends, either, though early on in some friendships I know some were startled or surprised when I said I would not be having any children. But friends and family have gotten used to me being outside the box in similar matters. When my husband and I got married, it was on a week’s notice at the courthouse and there was no proposal, no ring, and no dress. Not having kids just kind of goes along with that.
But while I don’t get pressure and I don’t put any pressure on myself (I have NO doubts about my stance), I do feel increasingly left out of conversations and “girl talk” with friends, which more and more deal with the topic of having kids. I just can’t relate to their feelings, desires, wants, etc. So I’m aware that my decision puts me outside the norm and will likely impact friendships in the future.
Fabulous post. You are so sweet and genuine. I had no idea you were only 26 – you’ve done so much in your life (hello, GLO Bakery) that I just assumed you were older. You’re going to be a great mom someday =)
I have know since I was 6 years old that I did NOT want to have children. I’m 37 now and I still feel the same. However, friends and family and my mother have pressured me over the years to reconsider and to think about what I’m missing out on. I have a wonderful marriage that is very fulfilling and 3 dogs and 3 cats that satify my need to feel like a mother!
Once my nephew was born 7 years ago, I think everyone assumed I would change my mind. I love him so much, but I still don’t want the responsibility of a child. It is hard enough in this world to take care of myself! I am thankful there are many people who want to be parents, but in turn I just wish they could understand my not wanting to be a parent.
I didn’t feel any pressure to have children. My hubby and I were married 6 years before we had our son and eventually, people stop asking. When we decided to try, we conceived right away and I think it was partly because we were so relaxed about the situation. But now that I have a toddler and I’m 36, I’m feeling some pressure about having a second child. We only planned on one, but apparently this idea is horrific to some people! And by some people, I mean other women. I think it’s really sad how women can be so unsupportive toward each other. I was scared to read the comments regarding your first question about the “right” time to have kids, but I was impressed by the positive vibe of your readers!:-)
No I do not feel pressured to have kids. I’ve always wanted some, but “not now”. I am 27 now. I can feel the clock tinkin… BUT, right now I am considering my professionnal life first (and money). However, I want to get married before having kids. If I was married, had money and I was close to where I want to be profesionnally, I’ll start practicing for kids tonight! As for the pressure, I think that it comes from your environment, mine do not put any pressure on me : none of my friends have kids, none of my friend is married, almost all of them are in relationships and are buying or already owned a condos (no house), but no babies planned.
There is no “perfect” age to have a child. Parents will make it work no matter what age it happens. Unfortunately, despite the advances in our society (women marrying later, having long term careers, etc.,), our bodies naturally have higher fertility during younger ages and this tapers off after 25(!) (women are born with as many eggs as they are ever going to have).
I wish more women understood this. Waiting for the perfect time to have kids (over 30, financially stable, etc), may mean you won’t be able to have kids. Everyone’s bodies are different, yes, there are some women that can have a natural pregnancy at 38, 40, etc., but they are the exception.
Please keep this in mind when making your decisions.
* I work in the assisted reproduction field.
I don’t necessarily feel *pressure* to have children by a certain age…especially not from my family or friends. But – growing up as a Christian, going to a Christian school all my life and being a part of my church – most women of my generation seem to have children in their 20’s. In fact, many of the girls I went to school with are already married, so I feel like the outcast in that category! (I don’t even have a boyfriend). I’m trying not to let any of that influence me, but I can’t help but have it in the back of my head.
Thankfully, no one in my family is pressuring me to have kids. Whew! That is a relief. Right now (I’m 28) I’m at a stage where I don’t know if I want kids. I am scared. Scared of screwing them up. Scared of losing myself. Scared of how my relationship with my husband will change. I really don’t like the fact that people say your opinion will change. What if it doesn’t? It’s strange because when I was younger, I always thought I would have my first kid by the time I was 26. Guess that didn’t happen!!
I’ve never felt pressure to have children from anyone! Like you, as a teenager I didn’t want kids, and it wasn’t until my great-niece was born that I started to rethink it. My husband and I got to take care of her for a week — just us! — and I realized we could raise a kid & actually be pretty darn good at it. We don’t want kids immediately, because we have school & we want to be a bit more financially stable (out of debt) before we do have children, but it wouldn’t be horrible if it happened before then.
I’m not sure whether this has already been commented about, but I feel the pressure about having children from the other end of the spectrum. I am the second eldest of seven children, and I can honestly say that I have enjoyed being part of such a big family (its great for soccer games, sleep overs and fights are pretty much even-sided) but my husband is an only child and while we’ve only been married for 3 months, I’m now 7 months pregnant. This was our choice, and as much as people make fun of a “shot-gun” wedding, the pregnancy was indeed planned! As I’m from a large family, and would like as many children as my body would allow, I feel the pressure from my MIL to only have one, maybe 2 — I do feel sorry for her as she never got the opportunity to have more children, but I sometimes feel that she says these things to make herself feel better. But, as I have been reading on OSG — No one can make you feel inferior without your consent! So I just shake the comments off and focus on the beautiful life I’m going to bring into the world in a couple of months.
I want kids some day but my dilemma will be picking out a name. I am a first grade teacher and there are several names that are on my never ever ever list now :) I love kids! I’ve babysat since I was 14, but am happy to give them back at the end of the day. I love my students, but am also happy that I get to go home to a quiet house at night. Kids never fail to amaze me, make me smile, laugh, and sometimes want to scream…..
I’ll leave you with this little gem…on a math test I gave today they were asked to make 25cents without using a quarter. I went to grade the tests and about 12 of them say “25 penises”
I’ve taught them not to waste time drawing 25 pennies, but we need to practice the spelling :)
I’m about to get pretty personal, but that’s what blogs are for, I guess!
WHen I was 16, I found out that I would never have my own kids. (Technically, the doctor told me that if I ever did want to have kids, I could undergo intense hormone therapy and maybe I would have a shot in hell.)
My teenage mind was very conflicted – the kid in my mind was thinking, “Sweet! No surprises!”
There was an adult part of me, though, that felt kind of lost. I had never been sure I even wanted kids (and I thought I would probably adopt if I did) but I still felt as though I was missing out on something big.
It really hit home when I told my mom, and she started to cry.
It’s strange for me, knowing that adoption is my only option. I don’t even know if I can put it into words – While my friends talk about having a child in general someday (boy or girl, blonde or brunette, etc.), I will have to choose a child. For example, because I know that my child’s gender won’t be left up to chance, I instinctually know that I want a girl, and I even have some other characteristics in mind.
Like I said, it’s very strange. I sometimes have nightmares in which I’m dating one guy after another, and when I explain that I can’t have my own children, they all leave me. Obviously, it’s just a nightmare, but I think my subconscious feels like I’m not a full package or something.
I’m still only 18, but because of my condition, I’ve been thinking about what I’m missing out on for years. Whenever there’s a birthing scene on TV (or in a class), I react a little bit. For most women, having a child is a part of life. (Of course, there are those who are happy without kids.) But for me, it never will be.
It’s a difficult feeling to put into words (hence the rambling comment!) but it’s something I’m learning to accept.
:)
I felt pressure after I got married, almost immediately. Not by anyone in particular, it just seemed to come up with almost everyone. People in general start with, “So when are you going to have a baby?” Then when you have one, you are barely home from the hospital and they start asking when the next one will come!!!! Good Lord! :)
I think I also put a lot of expectations and pressure on myself to be at a certain place by a particular age.
Supermom- Oh yeah….The competition between moms can be overwhelming….who is busier, who has the toughest time….
Also, as a mom, you feel the need to be everything for everyone and somewhere along the way you lose time for yourself. I am still trying to figure that part out! :)
My husband and I had kids very young, right out of high school. It’s interesting that so many feel the pressure to have kids, as we were looked down upon for having them. Even though my husband and I were married when we began our family, his side (mostly his mom) would speculate that I went off birth control to force my husband to have kids. Little do they know I was never on birth control in the first place. Now our kids are 9, 8, 6 and my mother-in-law still tells me how we shouldn’t have any more and we really had the family worried. I’m darn near 30 years old and still get lectured like I’m 19. It was hard not to be insulted. We have always been financially responsible, finished college, have a very strong and fulfilling marriage. Our kids are well adjusted and well behaved. We don’t openly discuss our sex life, reproductive plans or our finances like my husband’s siblings do, so maybe they are just left to speculate how terrible we have it? It made my early years of parenthood very lonely and I felt isolated. But, I don’t doubt our decision and our goals and plans are coming together like we imagined them when we were newlyweds.
Hi everyone! Just remember that life is short and don’t take it for granted. I can understand not everyone has the “get married have kids” passion I do ( i have 3 beautiful sons and hope to have as many more as the Lord leads us to have!) however, when people talk about “someday, someday, someday” I think, well you never know what tomorrow will bring. I think of so many women who waited until their 30’s or eve closer to 40 and couldn’t conceive. After 30 our fertility goes way down. We are so much healthier (physically) in our 20’s and I dunno, I guess I am peeved at times when people think they decide when they will have kids. God decides that. You can choose to use birth control or not but He is still ultimately in control. I know not everyone on this site is Christian, in fact, many probably aren’t. But I just hope and pray you really search your heart and ask yourself the “whys’ before you plan every master, phd, vacation, solve world hunger goals and dreams, before you try to have kids. I just think their is no better happiness and love than that for your child. Until your experience it, you cannot explain it. Save all those things for when your kids are grown, and you are retired. Trust me, you will have more energy to run after a toddler now than you will in your 40’s, and driving kids to soccer and hockey in your 50’s and 60’s! I wanna be on the beach THEN! :)
The worst pressure I feel to have children comes from my own family. From the “you’ll change your mind someday” comments to “but I need grandkids/great grandkids/great nieces/whatever. It blows my mind that the people closest to me can so blatantly disrespect my decision!
I only hope that as I get older my friends and family begin to understand that I know my own mind, have made an informed decision, and am not suffering for it. I know they just want me to be happy, so hopefully with time they will see that I already am.
Love these posts!
yes I feel pressured, pressured to get married, to have kids, to buy a house . . . we haven’t decided on any of those things yet. Usually I think, yeah we’ll probably get married, and we’ll probably have kids, and we’ll probably buy a house, but maybe not, and who knows what order. What’s funny is that with two sets of divorced parents you’d think my folks and my inlaws would lay off a bit, but no!