I know it is not Mother’s Day but I loved this cartoon too much. [Source]
In the words of Stephanie Tanner, WHOA BABY!
You guys set a new record for the most commented Hot Topic post ever on OSG. I think that was the most fun I have ever had reading comments. Between you and I, I caught ERIC reading through the comments last night!! :mrgreen:
I was also thrilled to see a few men comment, including my Brother in Law (‘glowingBIL’).
As many of you noticed I did not offer my own opinion on the question in yesterday’s post! That was on purpose, of course!
Sometimes I find that it is difficult to deal with sensitive issues on the blog without coming across the wrong way. As many of you noted, the question is a very personal and sensitive topic and I did not want to diminish anyone’s situation in any way. I respect where all of you are right now and I respect all of your opinions on the matter. Whether you have them at 22, 38, adopt, or decide that you won’t have them…only YOU can know what is best for you!
Women have a huge amount of pressure in this area and many women feel pressured to either have kids or feel badly about themselves when they decide that kids are not for them. It can be a very judgmental topic, so you can imagine my absolute delight when I read through the comments and realized that everyone was so polite, understanding, and supportive of one another.
You all are a classy bunch. But I knew that already.
MY STORY:
I used to say that I didn’t want children when I was a teenager. I was always met with the ‘oh you will someday’ responses and I started to feel like maybe something was wrong with me because I didn’t want kids. To be completely honest with you, I have always been a bit scared of children! I always felt like I was going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing when they were around. I know that my fear about children swayed my opinion of whether I wanted children myself.
When I entered my twenties my opinion slowly started to change. I started to toy around with the idea. Eric and I have been together since I was 17 (him 18) and I started to think about it, even though I knew I was years from being ready.
Everything changed for me when I saw my sisters have children.
I could relate so much to what Lindsay said in the comments, ‘At first I didn’t want kids. Then my sister had a baby and something inside happened! 2 months later I conceived my son.’
When I met my nephews and nieces, I knew right away that I wanted to experience that same kind of love one day. The love I feel for them is so strong and seeing my sisters raise beautiful children who love them and adore them so much, is quite a sight to witness.
I think about Sketchie and how much I love him and then I try and fathom what the love for my own child would feel like…and I just can’t comprehend it. I think that it would be a feeling like no other.
Eric and I do not have a particular age in mind when we want to have our first child, but we do want kids. I knew when I didn’t want them- while in university and during my Master’s career. However had it happened, we would have gotten by regardless. We are really happy right now and we take each day as it comes. We also have plans to do some traveling before we batten down the hatches. ;) I’m 26 and most days I still feel so young.
Given the diversity of your comments, there is obviously no right answer or wrong answer. I think it is important that we are supportive of other women, regardless what their choice may be. I can only imagine how annoying it is for women who chose not to have children and are faced with negative comments their whole lives. No one should have to be judged like that.
I think it is a given that women face a lot of pressure and this topic is an area where women face lots of it. So in that respect…
Do you feel pressured to have kids or did you…and by whom? Do you feel pressure to have them by a certain age, or a certain number of kids? Are you judged because you don’t want kids?
For the moms out there, do you feel pressure to be that ‘Super Mom’?
PS- I have already changed my Spring Training Plan around! I am super busy in the bakery this week and also sore from yesterday’s Booty Camp so I will be skipping my run today. No biggie though! I will re-work this week a bit and update the schedule as needed.
PSS- See you tomorrow for the lunch that changed my life!!
Yes, huge pressure to have children! I am 36. My brother has 2 children. My husband and I have been together 15 years. Tried IVF – which failed and made me feel like crap. I am at a stage in my life where I will feel a failure (down the track) if I don’t have a child soon. Tick Tock!!
Wow. I don’t think you should feel like a failure. There are so many more facets to a woman than just her fertility! You should be proud of all you have accomplished (being married 15 years is a long time, for example) instead of focusing on something that hasn’t happened yet and that isn’t your fault. Good luck!
I agree with Shelly! You’re not a failure- it just happens because our bodies are all different. However like she said too, you have no much to be proud of. I would love to know that one day I’ll love someone like you love your husband :)
great post Angela! I agree that no one should feel pressure. I definitely want to have kids (sooner rather than later haha), but I also feel a crazy amount of pressure from some in-laws to start now! i think that’s pretty normal in most families though.
the thing that bothers me though, is sometimes people are trying to have kids and are worried that they can’t. that’s not the case with us at this point, but if it were, it would make people putting pressure on us even worse. I’ve learned to kind of steer clear from asking people when they’re planning on having kids…i might be making a sensitive situation worse.
i, like you, have always pulled the “i dont want kids” card. though i never said it with conviction. i am years-probably close to a decade!-away from being ready for children, but i, like you, seeing family with kids has definitely changed my mind. that said, i feel like there is a bit of pressure to have kids earlier, mostly from friends. i’m only 22 so i’ve not experienced this yet. but i see the competitiveness that some of my older girlfriends deal with within their social circle, and i know it’s coming my way eventually
I loved the entire discussion. I didn’t think I wanted kids either – then my best friend had one. Now, I am convinced my kids will never be as cute as hers cause I love that baby so much. I guess things change. :)
Awesome question! I think more than anything I put pressure on myself! My brother just got married (he’s younger), most of my friends have buns in the oven or already have their little boogers, so I sometimes feel like I need to get this show on the road!!!
My parents and friends don’t pressure me at all… but I have to remind myself that these things happen for everyone at different times in their lives. :)
Awesome point, Megan!! I am going to remind myself of this before I ask my friends if they are going to have kids. Thank you! :)
I don’t feel any pressure. My mom always thought she didn’t want to have kids, and then ended up having me at 39! So at 25 I feel like I have all the time in the world, and I’m not sure I even want them yet….
I didn’t think I wanted kids but now that I have one I am so happy I changed my mind. But that being said I would never want to have anymore and people just don’t understand that! The questions about #2 just drive me nuts!!!
Take your time and enjoy!
Ameena, I have one daughter and that is absolutely enough for me.
I had pressure from family to have my first and now I have pressure to have another! I’ve had friends and family say that it’s cruel to have just one! That drives me mad!
Whenever someone asks me when we are having #2 I tell them as soon as my husband conceives:)
Love it Rachael! I’m going to start saying that from now on! Thanks
I do not want children and feel an immense pressure from everyone around me to have kids. They all say I’ll change my mind but I truely don’t think I will. And part of me doesn’t want to just to spite them! I think that the reason I don’t want to have children is maybe because my parents weren’t the best examples and I hold myself to such high standards, I think I would make myself miserable trying to be the perfect mom raising the perfect kid. So instead of half-assing it, I’ll just avoid it all together.
I definitely felt like I didn’t want kids when I was younger. It wasn’t until after my divorce that having kids became something I *really* wanted to do. My ex definitely wanted kids and we had been talking about if we had a kid what the name would be and I had an awesome boy’s name, even if I still felt kind of ambivalent about actually having children. Coleman James, Cole for short. So I guess I was at least visualizing the idea of having a child and what we would call him and what he would be like. My breakup was a very sudden, heartbreaking thing for me and one of the strongest and most upsetting parts of it was mourning for this child, Cole, that I would never have. And mourning for the idea that I might never have children. I remember feeling like I’d been castrated, if that makes sense. It was horrible, but it did put into perspective that I really did want to have children someday.
So I don’t know if it’s a reaction to being so attached to the idea of a boy child before or of just a greater disliking of the male species thanks to my divorce (which was really traumatic), but now I want girls. Actually I would be happy to have one girl, but my fiance wants 2 or 3 children regardless of gender (I hope they’re all girls), and I’m okay with that. But if it was up to me, one girl. :)
I’d say the only person who is pressuring me to have kids is my Dad. His younger sister is going to be a grandmother and he is completely jealous. Also, the man really loves babies. But it’s hard to deal with b/c he’s not very understanding of the fact that I need to live my life on my own time line instead of his.
I always felt very similar to you, Angela. I’ve never been the “kid” person, I’m much more comfortable with dogs. I’ve never known exactly how to speak or act with babies and children, it makes me feel all uncomfortable! In fact, all the way up into I met HTB I said, Nope no kids for me, just lots of dogs. That changed a year into our relationship. I started wondering what it would be like to have a family with him. Now that we’re almost married, I’ve been BITTEN by the baby bug. Well, not that intense, but I’m excited for it. In my situation though, we do have time constraints. My man is older than me, by almost 20 years, so while I have plenty of time to get the oven crankin’, he doesn’t. He also has a daughter from his previous marriage, although that doesn’t change his desire to have kids of our own. Like you said, the situation is different for everyone.In an ideal world, I’d probably wait at least 4-5 years to begin a family, in reality, it’s probably going to be closer to 2. Either way, the important thing is communication and being able to be comfortable with what YOU need and want.
I’m in the same boat! We’ve got an 18 year age gap and our wedding is coming up soon too :) The time constraint definitely adds another layer of complexity to the decision (it’s all good though!). I agree that communication and openness is really important.
I love kids…but I would not want any of my own – right now, at least. I don’t feel big pressure right now, as I’m only 24…I don’t know if I would ever be pressured. It hasn’t really been a topic of conversation with my family or friends.
I feel pressure to have MORE kids. Right now I have one daughter who is 4 and last year I gave birth to my daughter who was stillborn. We are thinking about NOT getting pregnant again and I don’t think anybody really understands why we are choosing to make my 4 year old an only(living) child. I think I am also pressuring myself because I wonder if my 4 year old will hold a grudge on me for not giving her any siblings.
But anyway everybody just has to do whats right for them :)
My heart goes out to you, Jessica. I’ve never once heard my only-child friends complain that they wished they’d had a sibling – more the case of siblings not liking each other but being stuck being related.
hugs. I think that whatever you choose to do, the most important thing is that you do it for you, your husband, your marriage and your daughter.
m
Having just one child is also something I am concerned about. We know a couple of (adult) only children and for the most part they are very outgoing well adjusted people (both married, both successful in their careers). There are times when I can see the only child come through in them, but I think that has more to do with unique life experiences and how you were raised than the fact that someone is an only child.
Whatever you decide, it’s not for others to openly judge, but to love and support your family – because they’re not you!
I can vouch for at least one single child – my boyfriend liked (likes?) being a single child so much that he only wants one kid! We always joke that I make a much better ‘single child’ than he does (I have a brother) – it’s definitely not something I think, down the road, people resent their parents for, one way or the other! :)
Jessica: My first baby was stillborn. I know where you’re coming from. I did have 2 healthy babies after, but each pregnancy was stressful to say the least. My advice would be for you and your husband to stay true to yourselves. You 2 know the pain of your loss and whether or not that is something you want to risk again. (((HUGS)))
Thank you all so much for your sweet and supportive comments. They all mean so much to me :)
Such a great topic- I used to feel pressure and have let that go. I am on the unsure bandwagon and am happy to say that, but… people do judge. They always ask why. Even though it is none of their business.
One of my big pet peeves is when you get married people ask you when you are going to have kids. In my opinion that is the rudest thing to ask someone!
I also think women judge other women- it stars with who you are dating, then goes to how big your engagement ring is and then the wedding planning, and then a year later it goes to baby planning and who can one-up. If you ever want a hilarious way to waste a few hours head over to the message boards of The Nest.
i love that you caught the hus looking through the comments – so funny!
i also loved all of the thoughtful comments, its such a supportive blogging community, isnt it?
its amazing at how many women truly feel pressure to get married & have kids. i am 21 and i am already getting the run around from people in my life!
I feel very lucky because I never felt pressured but then again I didn’t get married until I was 37. I was clearly always going through my own stuff and who was gonna ask a single girl “So when are you gonna settle down and have kids?” I only got asked by really clueless people who wanted to foist their own values onto others and I just ignored them. My mom was like “DON’T have them” after my nephew came along. Nice. I think the pressure is bs but it’s every woman’s right to say “That topic is really none of your business.”
I think it is such an important thing for both MEN and WOMEN to have a grasp of.
1. I have seen a marriage whereby the woman DIDN’T want kids and the man did. It was the beginning and I can attest to the fact that she would have been under the pump to have kids for whole entire marriage.
2. I know a couple who have decided from the beginning that they don’t want kids. I always joke with her that she should have them, cause they’d have cute little babies. However, deep down I respect the fact that they don’t want they. There was a week, about two months ago, when she goes ‘Michelle, I think we’re ready’. But then they re-considered as a couple.
3. I know people who want to have kids so desperatly that sex becomes a mere act of getting pregnant. If you strip it down (no pun intended) that’s what it’s meant for. But I feel like it would just take away the beauty of what that can be by objectifing it into something that is a means to and end.
4. I know people who just ‘go with it’.
Life is a journey. You don’t ever know what you’re really ‘ready’ for something. I don’t think that you can be too settled, too travelled, too cashed up, too secure in a relationship to say that you’re ready.
All you can do in life is just let whatever happens, happen within reason when you are ready for life to throw that card at you.
I was actually talking to my friend last night about this. I go ‘how cool is it to be having sex with your new husband knowing that you could conceive!’ She responded ‘it’s awesome. I don’t have to worry about anything anymore. i spent my whole 20’s worrying and now I can just truthfully enjoy being with him’
Happy baby making…when/IF you’re ready
M
great topic angela! i agree…only YOU know what’s right for you. it would be silly to not want kids and then to do it to please other people…how would that kid feel if it ever found out? I don’t feel pressure to have kiddos, but that’s because we don’t live by my MIL anymore (love her, don’t want kiddos yet). i’m excited about the day that I DO have them though!
I never had any pressure to have kids. My husband and I didn’t get together until we were 30, married when I was 33. At that point I put a little bit of pressure on myself. I knew that there was a chance it could take years, so we started right after we were married. I had my first son when I was 34 and my second just before I turned 37. Although I don’t feel old really, there are moment when I think…wow this might be easier if I was 10 years younger, but on the flip side of that I was not ready at that age.
I think it is a personal decision and I totally admire both. The young moms that seem to have it all together at such a young age, and us older moms that are doing it even though we are much more tired (some of us at least!).
As for the supermom…I put that pressure on myself ALL the time. I feel guilty because I work fulltime and my kids are in a day home. I feel guilty that I miss some school activities. But, I also enjoy working and not sure I really want to give it up. I am working towards eventually working part-time so I can take the kids to and from school. I think that will be a nice compromise.
thanks for starting such a great topic!
My father in law drops the hint more than I am comfortable with… he wants grandkids so bad, I understand, but I feel like when we finally do we will be perceived as “giving in” to his pressure, not deciding for ourselves.
I feel pressured by my family – but also by myself. I am approaching 30, and my hubby just turned 40, and we are at a place in our life where we would certainly welcome an addition to our family. In saying that, we have not been blessed with such an addition … yet… but as my husband says “practice makes perfect” ;)