“With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
When I think about my struggles with anxiety, I realize that I live in the future too much. It’s crazy how much I worry about things that haven’t happened yet and probably never will happen. I’ve spent my entire life battling the anxiety monster and I’ve missed out on so many great opportunities due to debilitating fear.
Not knowing what will happen makes me anxious. I like predictability and when I’m in situations without it, I can feel it creeping in.
So what does my mind do with the unknown?
I predict what will happen. And anxiety dictates that it’s mostly negative. This creates more anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle.
Control is an illusion, anyway. I can’t ‘control’ what happens to me, but I can learn how to deal with anxiety in a positive manner. I studied psychology for 7 years in university and I’ve read countless studies about the effectiveness of therapy. I’m a believer in it, but I’ve never taken the time to really apply it to myself as much as I could. I can learn coping mechanisms, countering thoughts, breathing techniques, mantras, and visualizations to help. I can work with a Cognitive Behavioural psychologist to work on changing my thought processes. I can talk to people about it. I can write. I can be creative. I can run. I can do yoga. I can be honest about how I feel.
I can laugh about it with Eric when I tell him what I’m anxious about and the look on his face makes me burst into laughter, realizing how ridiculous my worries sound out loud.
Insanity can be defined as repeating the same behaviour over and over and expecting a different outcome. Well, lock me up and throw away the key! If we don’t change our behaviours, thoughts, and actions, we will never grow. If I keep doing what I’m doing now, my anxiety will never get better. However, when we’re struggling with something, we can always open other doors and explore other avenues…
That’s why my goal for July is simple:
To live in the present as much as possible.
I want to get out of my own head, fears, and negative stories on loop. I want to stop losing so much time to the future (and past) and be present in the moment. Of course, it’s good to think about the future and past sometimes- that’s part of the excitement of life- but I also think being present is something that I must work on.
As someone whose mind is always spinning constantly about the past and future, I’ve never had a clue how to go about living in the present. After some research, I’ve come up with an action plan. I’m going to print this list off and put it in a couple places where I will see it daily- my bathroom mirror and my desk.
How I will live in the present:
1) BREATHE
Breathing fully and deeply does not come natural to me. Well, I’m sure it did at one point, but somewhere along the line I became a shallow breather. The more wound up I get, the less I breathe. I’m trying to be mindful of my breath, especially in those moments when I need it the most. Before entering an anxiety provoking situation, I try to stop and take at least 3 deep breaths before proceeding. I used to do this when I gave many presentations in grad school and it really helped calm me before jumping in.
2) Be a Minimalist
Remove your unneeded possessions. We just did this last weekend and Eric and I both felt a huge sense of calmness when we parted with half of the things we own. Physical clutter turns into mind clutter and removing everything but the essentials restores a feeling of tranquility and reminds us what is truly important in life. It sure isn’t material things. Minimalism doesn’t just happen overnight, but the more I approach this lifestyle, the more mindful I am when I make every purchase. This also applies to grocery shopping. Lately, I’ve been more mindful not to bring in new food before the food in the house is used up!
3) Smile
Throughout my life, I’ve been known for being a smiling, happy girl. My teachers even used to write that on my report cards. However, when I let my anxieties weigh me down, my face turns into an anxiety monster. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about something and I notice that I have a huge frown on my face just due to a mere thought. Thoughts are very powerful, but they don’t define who we are and we shouldn’t allow them to change our mood so instantly. Acknowledge your thoughts whatever they may be and then smile. One of my favourite things to do is to smile at a complete stranger because you never know how it will impact their day.
4) Forgive the past
I’ve been through some crappy things in my life and no matter how long ago these past hurts occurred, I will catch myself thinking about it as if it is happening to me now. Sometimes memories are so vivid and real. By failing to forgive things that have happened in my past, I fail to move forward and to be present in the moment. Forgiveness is a personal choice, but when I chose to forgive the past, I feel more free.
5) Dream big, but work hard today.
There is no better moment to accomplish your goals than right now. Planning is motivating, but it’s important to focus on what we can do in the moment and not get too caught up in the future. As we know, things don’t always happen as we predict. All we have is this moment right now.
6) Do one thing at a time.
I’m a chronic multi-tasker like many women. Sure, I make to-do lists occasionally, but that doesn’t stop me from tackling 8 things at once. Due to multi-tasking, I feel like my attention is never 100% where it should be. I may decide to work on a writing project for a certain amount of time, but I’m often composing emails, responding to comments, editing photos, shipping orders, and writing a blog post at the same time. I don’t think that all multi-tasking is negative, but I need to focus on being in the moment for the task at hand. If I tried to do one thing at a time, I think my goal for mindfulness would be easier and I would feel less frazzled.
7) Do less.
It seems like society is always encouraging is to do more, and more, and more. To fill our days to the absolute brim. Where does it get us in the end? Feeling frazzled with half-assed accomplishments? Doing less could mean that you accomplish goals with better concentration and better quality. Rushing things rarely leads to mindfulness. Sometimes, I like to start a writing blog post (like this one) and chip away at it over the course of 2-3 days. When I take it slow, ideas will often come to me over time. Had I hit publish on my first draft, I never would have fully developed my ideas.
8.) Add space
Along the same lines of ‘do less’, add space between your tasks. Don’t schedule things super close together for 12 hours straight. Give yourself a little wiggle room to breathe. If you write a to-do list, leave a few blanks so you can fill them in as things pop up during your day. Things ALWAYS pop up!
9) Cleaning as meditation
I tend to look at cleaning tasks as one dreaded chore after another. There never seems to be enough time for cleaning and when we tackle the list, it’s always a mad rush to bust through it. Cleaning can be a form of mindfulness though and rituals are often calming. Next time you clean, put your full attention into each task, concentrate, and do them slowly. Look at cleaning (and exercise!) as a stress relief in your day rather than a chore.
10) Spread the love
Do something nice for someone everyday. Smile at strangers. Hold the door open. Buy someone a coffee. Give to the needy. Call a loved one. Give someone your seat on the train. Compliment someone. Say ‘I appreciate you’. It just feels so damn good.
[For my research, I used one of my all-time favourite blogs Zen Habits. If you aren’t already reading this blog, you must check it out!]
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After I wrote my ‘We Are Never Alone’ post and talked about going back into therapy, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And then I read your beautiful comments and emails, and I was overcome with gratitude. I will never second guess posting something that is so much a part of who I am. Once we remove the shame from how we feel, true healing can begin.
And I must say, while writing this post I was really living in the moment. Writing is a great release!
“If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.” -Unknown
Wonderful post Angela — I too seem to be stuck in my head most of the time — thinking about the past or dreaming about the future. There is nothing wrong with wanting more, but I need to be thankful for what I have and making the most of my situation, while working towards my future goals.
Thanks for the inspiring posts!
Thank you for your PERFECT & timely message. I was reminding myself to enjoy the moment and not worry about a particularly subject and then read your post. Instead of truly enjoying the good moments, many of us lose the good moments worrying about certain situations.
Great post…can’t thank you enough for the post and your site!!!
Great post! Now if I only saw cleaning as meditation, I’d be set for life.
ditto :)
This came at a great time for me! I have been thinking about this a lot lately and have some to the conclusion that I really need to live in the present– not get caught up in all those other distractions. These are fantastic tips and I think many will come into play for me very soon. Also, THANK YOU for the Zen Habits blog link– quite a gem!
Angela, one tip someone recently passed onto me is to focus on your senses to really be “in the moment”. For instance, the way the light hits a blanket and brings out the colors in it; the feeling of water as you’re washing dishes; the dirt under your feet; the warmth of the shower. Hope it helps you. When I remember to do this it does help me :)
yes I love that tip!! I have a hard time doing it, but hopefully will get better with practice.
Thank you for this. I do so many of the things you talked about, its nice to know you are not alone. I especially love the- expressing your anxieties aloud to Eric. I do this all the time and as you said, the look on my fiance’s face, telling me I’m crazy, usually helps!
OMG! Angela I’ve been a fan of your blog for some time now because I love your recipes. However, I really needed to read this non-food related post today. It was like I was reading this about myself. I can totally relate even about the part of telling my worries to my husband and looking at the reaction on his face. Then I realize how ridiculous they sound. Great tips too and it feels good to know there are other people that have similar struggles.
Beautiful post! I think I myself needed to read this right about now. Thank you for so often opening up about tough topics on your blog, Angela. You become a brave soul who so many of us can relate to — and appreciate for being so brave!
I cannot even tell you how much this post sounds like it was written by me. Each time I go home to be with my family, I end up in some sort of anxiety provoking situation. As much as I try to control it, I cannot. I have tried for years to explain to my family members what it feels like to be driven and held down by anxiety. It took me until the age of 20 to realize that it was my body chemistry that was incorrect, not my reactions to situations. I had to form coping mechanisms that would calm me down and keep my emotions in check. Writing, singing, exercising, cooking, taking walks, –> these all help. It is so hard to understand unless you are going through it. It is like a second voice in your head controlling all of your thoughts and movements. Without strict structure, I become overwhelmed and extremely nervous. Anxiety has affected my family relationships, friendships, and my dating life. I have tried counseling in the past and did not click well with the doctor. Maybe its time to give it another shot?
Angela-
Your post was so refreshing today!! I felt as if you were righting it for me. I too have suffered from anxiety, and it is so frustrating. Your tips were amazing and I plan on using them in my own life as well. I mostly experience social anxiety, I will never be the first person to come out and say hi in a room full of strangers, I do not like to stand out, and feel as if I STICK OUT most of the time.
I can say that I have challenged myself more this past year than in all of my adult years combined ( I am 45). This past year I signed up for a Clinical Nutrition course which required me to drive an hour away from home every evening, I ran a half marathon, and raised $1,100. I was more fearful of asking people for money than running the miles, weird huh?
So here are a few supplements that can help ease anxiety, especially stress induced anxiety.
Calcium/Magnesium-helps relieve tension, nervousness& anxiety
A really good Multi-vitamin/Mineral-essential for proper functioning of adrenal glands.
SAMe – involved in over 40 biochemical reactions in the body, has a calming effect.
B-Complex my all time favorite go to vitamin for stress combat.
Foods-apricots, asparagus, avocados, bananas, blackstrap molasses, brewer’s yeast, broccoli, brown rices, dulse, figs,fish, garlic, nuts, seeds and yogurt, all provide valuable minerals such as calcium, magnesium, phosphorus, and potassium which are depleted by stress. People with anxiety disorders have higher levels of free radical damage due to stress.
Last but not least classical music always relaxes and calms me. I hope this has helped me as much as you have been a help to me and my family.
P.s my kids <3 VOO (:
Thanks Melissa!
Really love your post, read your blog every day and truly enjoy it. Big time!
I think it’s a brave thing to talk about your struggles in life and your ideas of living in the present sound so usefull! I’ll intergrate the decluttering rule in my life, that’s my goal for this month. Thanks!
But, why do you make such a huge list for yourself? You can’t possibly do all of those things. Why don’t you just pick one or two things (and be kind for yourself by not overloading yourself with expectations you can’t possibly live up to) and really, truly intergrate those things in your daily routine?
Love from Holland! Sam
Actually one of the things on my list ‘do less’ is an objective of mine. Shorter lists, better quality of work. :) Which why I have just one goal for july- to be mindful and present.
I absolutely adore this list, missy. I love, love, love keeping things simple. It always seems as though when I realize that I need to think and live more simply that I instantly feel the weight come off my shoulders and chest. I once had a New Year’s resolution to smile more. That was an awesome year. :) Happy weekend!
Angela, I’m a huge advocate of therapy, which has helped me immensely over the years. And I, too, am familiar with the anxiety monster! Your points are fantastic. And, I’ve found, as you get older (since I am SO MUCH older than you!!), you really do begin to take on those points just naturally. Things that would have once caused me great anxiety roll off my back easily these days. Sure, there are other things that stress me out, but overall, I’m way better at handling them than I used to be in my 20s. The only point I haven’t quite mastered yet is “getting rid of things”–time for a house-purge over here at the DDD household, too, I think!! ;)
I use to get really anxious and get so worked up about things that didn’t matter or hadn’t even happened. I would get wound up over a conversation I thought I might have to have with a friend, or what work would be like next season. It would escalate in my mind to a point where no issues became issues – but only in my mind. In the last year I have somehow been able to release all that anxiety. The only advice I have is “don’t sweat the small stuff”. Whenever I feel the anxiety demon building up inside I ask myself “does this really matter??”. I don’t really know what’s changed in the past year that has allowed me to let go of my anxiety. Beside my one little piece of advice above I would suggest a vitamin B supplement. Those two things have worked for me and my anxiety demon has disappeared.
Reading this was a shocking out of body experience. It might have just as well be my picture up there, because that’s exactly how I feel most of the time. Always worried about the future, always planning something and my life just passes me by.
I will definitely be printing this post out! Though I would add one thing to your list: research has shown that touching cat fur is bot relaxing and beneficial for mental health, so a scheduled little break to pet the cat should be on the list as well.
I need to print this list :)
Awesome post! I’ve always had a hard time living in the present; I’m constantly looking ahead to what I have to do tomorrow, next week, next year, next decade! It gets a little crazy. Everything is so true.
As a sidenote, I made the no-bake version of your double chocolate torte for my 21st birthday/post-GRE celebrations today – it was AMAZING! Definitely making it again and again. I used almonds in the crust instead of pecans, and they worked perfectly! Thanks for another awesome recipe!
And by ‘everything is so true’, I meant to say ‘everything in this list is so true’ :).
Glad you liked it and that the almonds worked too!
I love this. Especially the definition of insanity…it really hit home that I have to do something different to find a new outcome.
Angela what a blessing you are for sharing all your beautiful creative ways of preparing food. Thank you:) I haven’t kept up with your blog as much this past year basically because of life and finding it hard to find time to sit and get time on the computer. I always enjoy reading and seeing what is new and exciting. I haven’t read the last few blogs but I just want to encourage you on this one, in those times of anxiety. I was one of those people who would lay in bed and replay the whole day. Who I talked with , how the conversation went, what I should have or could have said…then think about what I would say the next time. Thinking that I could always make everything better or fix situations, making myself almost sick. Worrying about everything else on top of that. Anyways long story short I also have tried many things to cope with anxiety, reading different books, different styles of yoga, exercise. I have always believed there was a God but didn’t really acknowledge what he is or who he is. This last year I have become friends with some amazing people (not cult like at all…lol) They have taught me who this true God is…A God of LOVE:) He doesn’t want us to live in fear or worry or stress. Matthew 6:34 Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
So a year ago I truly became a Christian. One who now lives for this God. When I am troubled I turn to him knowing his love for me. I can give him my worries because he is ultimately in control, it takes all the pressure off me. I meditate on him and his word now. My life was a mess when I was trying to control it now I have let it go and let God. Soooo good. Blessings on you beautiful Angela. I pray your spirits are lifted and his love consumes you:)
Thank you Tracie! Im happy you’ve found the peace that you were searching for. :)
Oh wow! Your post has truly touched me and impacted me in a scary poignant way. I have struggled with anxiety for many years in the past and it’s flared up recently. I find myself saying that I don’t understand how others can live this rosy life while I struggle… This is so perfect and has given me hope and new perspective. Thank you, thank you.