Do Your Friends Keep Tabs On Your Weight?

149 comments

Happy Olympics!  yawhooo!

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Sketchie had a long, hard week! ;)

Amazing response to the Glo Bar coupons yesterday- I added more and those went too. I know many of you missed out on the coupon, so I added a few more this morning if you want another shot! Coupon code is VDAYGLOBAR and the cart is here.

Now onto breakfast…which was delicious oatmeal!

Quick and Easy Chia Banana Kiwi Oatmeal

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Ingredients:

  • 1 cup almond milk
  • 1/2 cup water
  • 1/2 cup regular oats
  • 1 T chia seeds
  • 1/2 T cashew butter
  • 1 t pure vanilla extract
  • pinch sea salt
  • 1 ripe banana cut into chunks

Directions: Throw all ingredients into a pot and stir on high until it boils. Reduce to low temp and whip like crazy. Pour into a dish and add your desired toppings.

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I enjoyed every bite!

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Do Your Friends Keep Tabs On Your Weight?

The other day I was talking to a girlfriend of mine. Kara (not her real name) is upset because one of her friends makes constant comments about her weight.

I’m going to talk a bit about Kara’s situation (she gave me permission to talk about it on the blog):

Kara’s friend always asks her questions about her weight such as how much she weighs. Her friend also makes comments when they go out to eat such as ‘You are getting dessert? I thought you were a healthy eater?’ or even criticizing her for ordering a salad and soup telling her she needs to ‘stop eating like a bird’.

Kara feels very self-conscious about these comments and she isn’t quite sure what to do about it. She said that she feels like her friend is keeping tabs on her weight and is always watching and monitoring whether she is working out, eating healthy or unhealthy, or losing or gaining weight.

Kara said, ‘I am starting to feel obsessed with my weight because I have these hawk eyes on me all the time.’ 

In a way, I almost feel like I am being scrutinized like a celebrity, even though I know that what I am going through is nothing like a celebrity! I just feel like I am always being watched…and if I slip up or gain a few pounds this person is secretly happy or is going to make a comment about it. I feel like she is always waiting for me to do something wrong so she feels better about herself .’

Have you ever been in a similar situation as Kara?

Do you have friends who keep tabs on your weight or make comments about what you eat/how much you workout and turn it into a competition?

What do you do about it?

There will likely be a Part 2 of this topic as I want to add my own thoughts but this post is already a bit lengthy. :)

~~

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{ 149 comments… read them below or add one }

1 RhodeyGirl February 12, 2010

That girl is not her friend, or she has major self esteem issues… connect to her own weight. Poor Kara!

I have friends and relatives that comment on my weight here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary. It is not uncommon overseas to be completely blunt to someone about their weight, and I noticed my cousins abroad comment more than the ones here. I think nothing of it because I know that my weight fluctuates a bit, and whether they say I look thin or a little full, I take it with a grain of salt.

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2 Allie (Live Laugh Eat) February 12, 2010

NO! Thankfully my friends do not make open comments about my weight, my diet, or my workouts. That would screw with my mind big time!! If anything, they encourage eating more freely and being a little less regimented about working out and eating healthy.

hope her friends are reading your blog and all the comments so they realize the impact of their words.

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3 Jessica @ How Sweet It Is February 12, 2010

I was just wondering if you had still been eating oatmeal! :)

I have had some friends keep tabs on my weight. Unfortunately, I think it stems from doing fitness competitions, because after the show when a few pounds are put back on, they don’t understand, you know?? They thing I ‘look so good,’ but it isn’t a healthy weight to maintain. There is also some added pressure on me from being a trainer, and I have never been thin in my life. I think ‘new’ friends are surprised to learn that I am a trainer because I don’t always look as lean as certain trainers do.

I grew up my entire life hearing snide remarks about my weight, even if they weren’t meant to be hurtful. I went to a very small school, and distinctly remember a boy I liked telling my friend that I ‘didn’t have the best figure.’

I think as we grow and learn who true friends are and what it all means, that this changes. I feel more comfortable in my own skin and have true friends that don’t judge me. If they do, they aren’t really friends.

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4 Meg February 12, 2010

Wow, I read this and thought “thank GOODNESS I have never had a friend like that.” I think Kara should consider spending a little less time with this so-called friend. In fact I wondered, as I read it, why she did spend her time and energy on someone who clearly is not looking out for her best interests?

My friends have always been supportive to one another about their weight. I work as a weight loss coach, and I’ve occassionally had friends ask for me for help, but I’ve purposefully tried to never make them feel uncomfortable about their food choices, exercise prefereneces or bodies. Girlfriends needs to uplift and encourage one another! That’s what we’re here for.

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5 Alex@happygolucky February 12, 2010

Oh my goodness, yes I have friends like that!!! Where I feel like it is a contest to eat the healthiest, which can lead to depriving myself of what I really want and making me uncomfortable to go out to eat with people!
I try really hard to not let it get to me and try surround myself with loving people who don’t care what I put in my body, but how I feel. I just want friends that make me happy, not ones that cause me to doubt myself.

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6 Diana February 12, 2010

Great idea for a post. I don’t feel like any of my friends or family keep tabs on my weight. I’m sure they would notice if I gained or lost a lot but day to day they don’t seem concerned or interested. If anything I am the one who talks the most about healthy eating and working out. I can see how “Kara” would feel an enormous amount of stress and pressure from her friend. I hope she has a great body image and just lets it roll off her back!

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7 Dotsie February 12, 2010

Oddly enough, when I went through what Kara’s going through, I was still in elementary school-so, very young. As an adult, my friends look to me for motivation and inspiration. Back to elementary school–my good friend Rachel and I were always arguing over something. We shared the same bus stop, and I would get dropped off at her house and she would get picked up in front of my house. Anyway–we were close in height and size, but had different shapes. We would pick on each other, especially as we got closer to ages 11 and 12-you’re fatter than me, you can’t fit into these shorts, that shirt is too small, you don’t have any boobs. Fast forward through high school and college–and now we’re 27–and yeah, she admits to blowing up the size of King Kong–it’s very, very sad. I do NOT pick on her today; I don’t bring up anything about food or exercise–she often does, and I just listen. We like to meet up and get Greek food and I ALWAYS overeat–I catch her staring or looking at my plate, but I know I’ve counted it into my intake, OR, decided I don’t care that day ;-) LOL

I say ignore the friend or ditch her completely. That kind of friend wouldn’t work for me today–too busy, with too much on my plate. I’m sorry people go through this, though! I say be strong, stand tall, and do your thing.

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8 Laura Georgina February 12, 2010

My real friends are really great–no comments about my eating and only positive things to say when they do comment! However, I’ve been on the receiving end of family grief based on weight issues before. Prime example: for years, the first thing my grandfather would ask when I’d call him was “Have you lost that weight yet?”, and the first topic of conversation with a few family members is always who’s gotten bigger/what a shame that is/etc. You just have to change the subject (with family), but if I had friends that did that sort of thing, I’d honestly have to change friends!

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9 AGS February 12, 2010

Wow! I couldn’t imagine having a friend constantly make comments like that. Generally, in my friendships if something is a sticking point, we are open enough to talk about it with the other person.

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10 Angie February 12, 2010

Yes! I had a friend just like this throughout college and shortly after. I must say I was a bit obsessed with my weight then and still a little bit now. After college I realized this friend was not good for my self-esteem or my well being. We slowly lost touch because I didn’t like how she made me feel. Honestly, I fear running into her today because I’m not the size 0 I was in college. Friends like this are not true friends.

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11 megan February 12, 2010

Thankfully I’ve never had friends like that. the most I get is if I’m trying to limit myself to 2 cookies instead of 12, they say “oh but you don’t need to worry about that.” haha they don’t seem to understand that nobody needs to eat 12 cookies, regardless of whether you are thin or not. (although I’ve been known to go overboard on many an occasion).

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12 Madeline - Greens and Jeans February 12, 2010

I had friends like that in high school. My sophomore year I decided to clean up my eating and boost my exercise and as a result I dropped some weight and was looking pretty good. Of course, my friends noticed and a couple of them began makin comments, started exercising, and were basically daring me to keep up with them. Luckily, I stayed out of it, but I did lose those girls as friends. I still have friends who ask about my habits, but now they ask more as a way to get ideas for their own food and exercise plans.

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13 Sarah @ The Foodie Diaries February 12, 2010

I think this is really common with women. Though I’ve never experienced it, I know friends who’ve tried to make lifestyle changes and catch a lot of flack from friends. It so obviously stems from insecurity with one’s own lifestyle–and I feel so bad for Kara!

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14 Jocelyn February 12, 2010

wow … no way.. my friends would NEVER make comments like that. Unless I’ve lost a ton of weight and they say good job or congratz or something…as long as i’m happy with myself they are happy!

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15 Cassie February 12, 2010

I see that aalll the time…and i’ll confess…sometimes I do it too. NOT THAT BADLY, but sometimes I find myself watching what my friends or eating or nothing their lack of exercise/healthy eating choices. I never say things, but perhaps it’s the stupid “competitive nature” we women are basically forced to have with regards to health/weight. Argh, I feel so bad now! I never even really noticed I was doing it until I read this article !

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16 Kate February 12, 2010

Angela, you read my heart! I have been struggling with this with a “new” friend for the past year. We worked together and I met my boyfriend through her and her husband. She is overweight and very unhealthy. Constantly doing the “wrong” things to lose weight and not understanding why she doesn’t lose it. I never criticize her about her weight (I wouldn’t do that to anyone who is overweight) and knowing she has low confidence, I try to compliment her as much as possible.

Unfortunately, women’s jealous sides come into play, and when we are out with other friends, she’ll make negative comments on how skinny I am and how she hates me for it. She makes it seem like she’s kidding, but it really hurts my feelings and makes me sad for her at the same time. I eat like a pig and she’ll comment on how she hates me and I can eat whatever I want and not get fat. Why the negativity? “Skinny” to me means unhealthy and I don’t want to be compared to unhealthy.

I also have other friends who I don’t see often, that the first thing they do is say how skinny I look. Why do we have to compliment each other on what shapes our bodies are? Why can’t women compliment each other on other things? Like “heard you kicked ass in that project at work, great job!”. Anyway, it’s so wonderful to know that others feel the same way!

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17 Kristen February 12, 2010

I COMPLETELY sympathize with her! Unfortunately, when I started working out regularly and having a more healthy and balanced diet (and losing a few pounds), a lot of friends and family did the exact same thing to me. Also unfortunately, I gave in to the combined weight of their judgments and a lot of my healthy habits went out the window and the weight I was able to lose came right back. It was very frustrating but it taught me a lesson and now I’m back on track to lose the weight again…without falling prey to their comments.

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18 Laura [realmealsteal] February 12, 2010

Great post, Angela! First of all, I feel sorry for Kara– I can’t imagine having a friend make so many comments on what I eat. Just typing that sounds weird.

I think Kara’s friend has some real issues with herself, not Kara. She must be pretty self-conscious about her weight or eating habits. That said, she shouldn’t push it off on Kara. Perhaps Kara can find a polite, respectful, but assertive way to tell her to back off! It must be really difficult to have a friendship like that. Sending Kara my best!

Luckily, I don’t have any friends or family who comment on what I eat in a negative way. If I ever say, “I should probably skip dessert because I had those fries yesterday,” my friends or hubby will say, “What are talking about? You look great! Now live a little.”

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19 Sophie @ yumventures February 12, 2010

I agree that this girl probably isn’t the greatest friend, and definitely has her own body image issues. She is taking them out on Kara to make herself feel better. Poor Kara!

I have never had a friend that actually comments on my weight or asks how much I weigh. But I HAVE had friends who have body image issues (and I have suffered from them myself) and there have always been events that are much less “obvious”; much more passive. They were never about someone being overweight, but rather if someone was acting disordered. Sometimes just talking about a workout would make someone jealous or want to go and beat how far she ran. Eating out with a group of women can be tough…if one person orders a salad, everyone immediately feels guilty for wanting the plate of pasta, or a dessert. I feel that friends don’t put pressure on you to exercise or eat like a bird, but when you see other people do it you put pressure on yourself.

My best friends in the world are the ones I can eat anything with, or can miss a day at the gym, and they don’t comment; it just DOESN’T MATTER to them. If we are going to beat disordered eating or body image issues for our future daughters, we just have to STOP talking about it. If someone loses 100 lbs, obviously that is a huge accomplishment to celebrate, but I don’t think its worth celebrating picking a salad over a delicious creamy shrimp alfredo if it is the alfred you reeeeeally wanted. For me it is more important to be happy than to care about what everyone else thinks.

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20 Jenna February 12, 2010

You didn’t ask if we are the ones watching our friends weight?

I think it is very much the girls low self-esteem issues coming out and constantly asking kara about her food intake. she is comparing herself to her. which is really said she should just go about life and enjoy their time together. My advice to kara step away from this person for awhile and maybe get back together after a few weeks and see if anything has changed…if not confront her about it.

On the other hand though…when you have a group of close girlfriends I think at some point it weight comparison is an issue, even if there is nothing said out loud.

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21 Katy February 12, 2010

I hear her! A college friend I hadn’t seen in more than a year came to visit me and, before she left, had been saying, “You look so SKINNY!” based on photos. When she got here, she didn’t think twice and said, “You still look good, but you don’t look nearly as tiny in person.”

I’m prepping for a trip to visit her in a month, and now I’m self-conscious about my weight and whether or not I’m going to look the same as the photos she’s seen.

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22 Molly @thevegandorm February 12, 2010

Omg – I totally had a friend like that.
She started by questioning me loudly in front of a whole group of friends about how I got my legs to be so thin. Then, we were sitting at a big table passing around brownies (pre-vegan). THey were small, so the whole group was just munching away. When I reached for my third, she said, “Oh my god, is that your second or third?!”
I immediately freaked out and threw it away, which I shouldn’t have done.
Fortunately, we now go to different colleges and it’s not an issue.
The thing is, it stems from THEIR low self confidence. I just wouldn’t answer her questions – just say “None of your business!” Eventually she’ll stop asking.

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23 Brittany February 12, 2010

Angela, your oatmeals always look soooo good! Since I eat breakfast at my desk at work (I know, awful habit) I have started to experiment a little with instant oats, and I think I have found the perfect blend that works for me: instant oats, hot water, ground flax seeds, bananas, and a sprinkle of brown sugar. Mmmm breakfast heaven!

Do you have any quick and easy recipes that use instant oats that I could throw together at work?? In fact any work recipe ideas would be good!

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24 Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine February 12, 2010

Ugh, I definitely deal with this frequently, unfortunately. This post is actually making me question some of my newer friendships, because I feel like friends I’ve made since moving to New York are way more weight-conscious than any I’ve had in the past. I’m thin because I workout and eat healthfully, but I get tons of bull for it. One friend in particular told me she doesn’t think I should be a vegetarian because “that’s how you get an eating disorder” (she doesn’t know I’ve had one, and I don’t feel the need to add fuel to the fire by confiding in her). We’ll go out to dinner, and when I order a vegetarian dish, she rolls her eyes and tells me to order a steak already. The other day, she asked me how my half marathon training was going, and when I told her it was great but my legs were tired from my workout that morning, she said “I don’t think running thirteen miles is healthy for you, then.” Um, excuse me? I am following a training plan and will do what I want. The ironic thing is that she constantly complains about her weight, even though she’s thin, and always asks me how many calories I think are in the dish she just ate.

Sadly, I think it’s a prevalent theme in a lot of womens’ friendships. We’re constantly comparing ourselves to one another, and it’s often poisonous to the relationship. I guess a “real friend” wouldn’t judge you based on your weight, but I think in certain situations it’s difficult to find people who honestly don’t care at all what you look like.

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25 Erin (Travel, Eat, Repeat) February 12, 2010

I definitely understand what your friend is dealing with. It’s like you can’t win no matter what you eat. Just eating salad? “Are you anorexic or something?” Order dessert or eat some bread? “Gosh, I thought you were healthy.”

My dad always makes these comments. When I order salad, he pushes dessert on me. When I decide to get dessert, he makes a crack about “Well, save a bite for the rest of us!”

Frustrating.

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26 Claudia @ ...and so I ran February 12, 2010

I so can relate to Kara. Ever since I decided to start Running and eating healthier one of my friends has been very critical of the whole process.
Constantly making comments on my food choices and making fun of the natural remedies I take to keep healthy during the winter months (oil of Oregano etc)
I almost find like I have hide what I eat from her so I don’t have to hear another remark or I have to justify everything I do.
I too feel like she would be happy if I gained all the weight I lost… because while I was heavier she never once commented on my eating or the lack of working out.
Just this morning she bought a Chocolate bar for us to share, not sure why she would do that if she knows I’m trying to loose weight and try to stay away from things like that.
Now that I’ve taken on Running it’s almost like she wants me to fail… I don’t understand why friends can’t be happy to see their friends succeed in whatever they decided to take on.

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27 Allison February 12, 2010

I don’t have any friends that make comments like that to me about my weight, but some of my friends will make comments to me about other mutual friends about how they’ve gained or lost weight in college. I think they are self conscious about their own habits and are concerned about gaining weight. It just makes me wonder if they ever talk about me like that!

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28 Betsy February 12, 2010

That is really awful of her friends to say! Poor girl. I’m very lucky that my friends support my healthy eating habits. They even ask me for tips sometimes and it makes me happy that I can help! I hope she sticks up for herself or removes those negative people from her life. No one needs that!

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29 Helen February 12, 2010

My mother actually used to always do that to me in high school! she’s constantly ask me how much I weighed, criticize me whenever I had something indulgent, etc. She still does it when I visit home, but to a lesser extent… but I’ve realized that what I put into MY body isn’t anyone else’s business.

I’ve also been in Kara’s friend’s shoes. When I was a disordered eater, I used to always watch my friends eat things that I wouldn’t allow myself to have, and think to myself, “She’s going to eat THAT?! No wonder she’s not thin!” It’s obvious that her friend is having some insecurities about food/body image herself and is projecting them onto Kara. If I were her, I’d confront her once about it, directly and politely, but if she continues, just to learn to let the comments bounce right off.

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30 Shannon (The Daily Balance) February 12, 2010

that is rediculous – i would NOT put up with that and not spend my time with that friend. We need to surround ourselved with people who contribute postive energy and nor weigh us down with negativity!

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31 Christie @ Honoring Health February 12, 2010

This is a major loaded topic for me. My family has always been critical of my weight and what I eat and I have had the same with friends in the past. I even have co-workers make comments about my food choices. Thankfully, I have let go of the friendships that felt the need to constantly be talking about my weight and/or exercise habits. I think these types of things come from one of two things; either insecurity or stereotyping.

I think that everyone has the right to eat and exercise in whatever way feels best to them and not interfere with others in this manner. I think the same is true for the folks that leave nasty comments on blogs about what people are eating or how they are exercising. It is disgusting and really only shows you what kind of person they really are.

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32 KathyR February 12, 2010

Yikes! So many tales of nosy mean people! These people need a good talking to. Or a smack in the head.

But Kara needs a little talking to, as well. Why does she care so much about what this one bitter person says? Why is she even thinking about changing her behavior in reaction to this person? Kara! Stiffen your spine and give this “friend” the thousand-yard stare the next time she has the nerve to make a comment on YOUR body!

Women everywhere: Stop being so nice. You don’t have to be pleasant and accommodating to people who just want to run you down!

Sorry. Got a little carried away there.

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33 Jessica @ The Process of Healing February 12, 2010

LOVE that picture of Sketchi! He’s adorable :)

As for your question, I have experienced that in the past but not currently. When it did happen, it made me SO self-conscious about my weight and about what I was eating and how much I was working out. It shouldn’t be like that. Friends are supposed to support you.. and I don’t think your friends mean anything bad by it most of the time.

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34 Lizzie February 12, 2010

All throughout high school I got the anorexia comments (even though I ate heaps of healthy stuff and played sports etc). My mum was the same way at my age. It didn’t bother me so much then, but it bothers me a lot now. It’s no longer the anorexia comments, but more just about how lucky I am to be skinny, I have a great body etc. The thing is, people really have no idea what is truly going on in someone’s life. One problem I am too embarrassed to mention here, but if people knew about it they wouldn’t be so envious. Because people always comment on my weight, I have now become very conscious of it – and truly believe that if I don’t have that, then I won’t receive any attention from friends at all. Why can’t we just focus and appreciate the fact that we’re so blessed to have bodies that can take us places and that we should treat them as such, feeding them nutritious food, treating ourselves and others with respect, regardless of our/their food choices?

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35 Tyler February 12, 2010

real friends do not say things like that!! that’s ridiculous! its sounds like those girls have declared some kind of weight competition in their heads. they feel self conscious when she eats healthier than them, and they feel the need to put her down when she indulges. but they might not even realize they are doing it, so she should let them know how their comments are affecting her.

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36 chandra February 12, 2010

When I went back home to Illinois the first time after losing some weight it was SO much similar to this. People were constantly watching what I ate, questioning every bite I took (or didn’t take). At my bbf’s engagement bbq I decided to skip the bun on my burger and enjoy a pile of chips instead (who wants a dry, plain bun when there’s yummy chips?!). This was a HUGE issue. I immediately had people asking me, “Why aren’t you using a bun? Do you not eat carbs now? Is that how you’re losing weight?” I about flipped. Hello?! There is a pile of chips on my plate, do you really think I stopped eating carbs?!

It was constantly like this when I’d go home and it got to the point where I almost felt like I needed to eat MORE around these people so they’d get off my back.. especially once I found out a rumor started there that I lost weight because I had an ED. Whoa. Not cool. But then I realized what these people said and thought didn’t matter. I knew I was treating my body right and their opinions shouldn’t have any effect on my decisions.

It sucks to be watched like this, but your friend just needs to remember she knows she is making the right choices for her, and what her other friend thinks/says should just go in one ear and out the other!

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37 Ameena February 12, 2010

I feel sorry for your poor friend! I don’t think anyone really keeps tabs on my weight except for me and maybe my mom. My mom often thinks I am getting too thin so she does it because mom’s worry about everything! It doesn’t upset me though.

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38 Jacquie February 12, 2010

I feel so badly for her because I have had this happen to me and it brought out all of my insecurities and made me question myself. Not good. However, what she should know is that Kara’s friend is more insecure with herself since she’s constantly looking for validation about her own eating habits.
What I’d honestly suggest is for Kara to stop going out to eat with this girl. If she wants to still be friends, that’s her decision, but at least break off any food related activities. Not only will that help her, but maybe her friend will get the picture.

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39 Amy @ Everything is Homemade February 12, 2010

I feel blessed that I don’t have this problem with close family and friends, but I have had this issue with coworkers. If I’m eating something healthy in the cafeteria or if I’m seen walking downstairs with my gym bag (we have a gym at my office), I hear comments like “you don’t need to work out, you’re already so skinny!” or “why are you eating healthy if you are already so skinny?”. At first it hurts my feelings to hear comments about my weight, but then I just try to tell my self that it’s their problem, not mine. I’m treating my body well by eating healthy and exercising and they are just self-conscious about their own habits!

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40 Lauren February 12, 2010

Only my mom does that to me :)

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41 Amy February 12, 2010

I feel your pain, Kara! I have a friend from college that does this to me! The moment she sees me when we get together, I can actually see her eyes looking me up and down to scrutinize my outfit, if I’ve gained/lost weight since we last saw each other, etc. and it’s very uncomfortable for me. If she thinks I’ve gained weight she’ll go on and on about how much she’s been working out, and will never compliment me if I’ve lost weight. It makes me feel very self-conscious because I can feel her comparing herself to me and competing with me (which I know she does with a lot of her other friends). I feel like she brings out the ugly competitive side of me in return, so I’ve come to stop hanging out with her as much. If I tried to talk to her about it, I think she would accuse me of being paranoid.

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42 Sally February 12, 2010

I work in a field with very few other women and I often notic how instead of acting sisterly and helping one another the relationships between women are competitive and quite brutal….as elenor Roosevelt once said there is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women. I don’t know how we got to be so
competitive and catty but I have noted that it stems from disatisfaction with ones own body…

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43 Christina February 12, 2010

That kind of behavior really fires me up. My Mom does that to me. She is constantly commenting on my weight, what I eat, how much I do or do not work out. UGH. It is very frustrating and I know it comes from her own self esteem issues. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, to no avail.

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44 Andrea @ CanYouStayForDinner.com February 12, 2010

I agree with everyone in that Kara’s friend clearly has low self-esteem and is outwardly projecting that on Kara, unfortunately. It’s so difficult when you feel like you just can’t win- If you try to eat healthy and are mindful of portions then you’re obsessive and not eating enough, but if you choose to eat something that others might see as unhealthy then you’ve fallen off the wagon. I hope that Kara is able to recognize that her friend is wrong to be so critical one way or the other. Someone who loves you wouldn’t make you feel so judged.
Great topic of discussion, Angela!

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45 skinnyrunner February 12, 2010

i have relatives in the South who says things like, you’re only eating salad?! its gets pretty annoying after awhile but i just ignore it. what else can you do?

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46 Maureen February 12, 2010

This person is not a friend and she should really stop going out to eat with her. However I do have a few suggestions if she does.
To the “your having dessert” she should reply YES and I am going to enjoyt every bite!
To the ” you eat like a bird” she should reply I practice intuitive eating and right now my body wants soup and a salad.
But personally I think this other person is insecure and it make her feel better to think this way. I say only keep positive people as friends the others just bring you down and life is just TOO short to put up with it.

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47 Jenn @ Livewellfit February 12, 2010

Ugh..this is such a tough topic for so many reasons.

I started to write yesterday about my experience with emotional eating and what it has done to my body image and my self talk. It’s hard enough to be in our own head but when someone you care for or trust starts to make comments like that- I don’t think we know how to process it. Especially if we are struggling already on our own.

I’ve been through similar situations and I think the best way to respond is this: part of relationships is the ability to be open and honest. If the comments are upsetting her or making anything tough for her, she deserves to have an open talk with her friend about what is happening. Often a friend may be jealous, upset or struggling with her own issues regarding weight already so focusing on someone else can relieve some of that pressure.

But I would imagine that if Kara was honest with her words, merely conveying how her friend’s comments are affecting her. A close friend, a good friend would be willing to listen and then change her behavior. Weight and body image is such a hard area for so many women and we all deal with that struggle differently. I always wonder that if we were more open about this with each other, with our friends we might find more support than we think!

If this friend is defensive and upset…then that is a topic that needs to be off limits b/w them and she needs to respect how Kara feels.

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48 Laura B. February 12, 2010

I have friends who claim I eat like a bird when we go out to dinner and claim that I never eat enough. What they don’t see is how much healthy food I eat everyday. I use food as fuel, and why would I pound down restaurant food that is loaded with crap and not even tasty? It’s annoying.

However, to play devil’s advocate, I was at my friend’s birthday party last week and she looked anorexic/sickly. I never realized how skinny she became, but I asked her if she was “ok” and she said they thought she was really fat. That is when I interjected, only because I cared. She looked so thin that her veins and bones were sticking out but she thought she was fat. That’a a problem, and I thought as a caring friend, I had to say something.

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49 Sara February 12, 2010

What a great post! I don’t have any friends like that and thank god. My friends are very supportive no matter what I eat, how much I exercise, or what I look like.

I would tell Kara that she needs to talk to her friend about the way her comments make her feel or stop spending time with this “friend”.

Life is too short to be spending your time with someone who makes you feel bad.

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50 ::christine:: February 12, 2010

Oh Kara how I feel your pain.

Last year I lost 75 lbs. (I’m the running story girl) I am still working on the last 25 lbs and all the time I get questions from well-meaning friends or relatives
“Have you lost anymore?” “Are you still losing?”

When you are sitting on a plateau – guess what you DO NOT need to hear? Then I get the joy, of saying, nope but I’m keeping it off so… It makes me feel bad. I know they mean well but when they say things like
” Keep it up” ” Don’t give up”

All I hear is: ‘YOU ARE STILL FAT DON’T YOU STOP LOSING’

But ya know what? I am still working on it and just this week I lost 5 lbs.. bye bye plateau :D

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51 Michelle @ Eatingjourney February 12, 2010

Let that go. I think that people are encouraging you and I KNOW from having lost 100lbs, and then gaining 25lbs back..to know trying to lose it again..how incredibly frustrating and exhausting it can be at times.

Perhaps take that encouragement and light a fire. Keep doing what your doing..spice up your eating and exercise perhaps.

You’ve already done such an amazing thing.

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52 ::christine:: February 12, 2010

Thanks Michelle for the encouragement. You are so right.

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53 Michelle @ Eatingjourney February 12, 2010

My friends don’t keep tabs on my weight.

I would honestly tell your friend to dress the girl down…polietly. “I appreciate your obvious concern for what I am eating and how much I weigh. However, what I eat and how much I way is my own personal business. I would appreciate it if topics regarding my consumption of food and/or my weight directed towards me could stop. It’s frustrating that I need to have this conversation, but I am feeling incredibly disrespected and defensive about my own personal choices.”

(pause)

“Want some cake, I love my ass and it’s round shape. You?”

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54 ::christine:: February 12, 2010

that’s funny.

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55 Anna @ Newlywed, Newly Veg February 12, 2010

Oh my goodness– I’ve been in a situation kind of like that before, and when I finally set myself free of that “friend,” it was like a twenty pound weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

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56 Run Sarah February 12, 2010

No, my friends don’t, thankfully! Sometimes they make jokes about what I eat, etc, but I don’t let it bother me!

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57 Britt @ Runnerbelle February 12, 2010

I feel so sorry for your friend, that is not a fun situation. Obviously her friend has some eating/body issues and unfortunately is displaying that by criticizing your friend. If I were her I would definitely say something about how it makes her feel uncomfortable. I know I am guilty of scaling my eating at times to the others I am with, like if someone gets a salad I’ll be more likely to get a salad. If others don’t eat their entire plate, I won’t eat my entire plate. I have gotten better though as now I try to do what is best for me in my food selection and the amount I eat. My running and my workouts are important to me, I need to fuel myself accordingly and not eat according to what others are eating or think I should be eating.

I have had comments that stuck with me….. Being teased when I was younger and a bit heavy, to even recently when I lost some weight and my MIL made a comment about me looking more like a runner….. What did a look like before? A running blimp?

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58 Kara February 12, 2010

I don’t get comments about my weight, but my coworkers (who are mostly men) often comment on or make fun of what I eat. I consider myself a healthy eater and I always bring my lunch to work. I am often invited to eat with my coworkers and when I do, I feel as though they are scrutinizing what I eat. For example, they will act disgusted and ask “What is that” or say “That looks awful,” usually in reference to a salad or yogurt or vegetables. It’s mostly just annoying, but can be hurtful. I used to get defensive, but now I ignore it or laugh it off. To be frank these are guys who are overweight and are sitting there eating fast food while enjoy a delicious and nutritious lunch, so I just try to keep it all in perspective.

Now, having friends, especially female friends scrutinize your weight and what you eat can be a different story. I think there’s a chance Kara’s friends may feel jealous (they want to look like her) or maybe they even admire her and want to emulate her eating habits. I say she tries to ignore it and keep in mind she eats for herself, not others!

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59 Katie February 12, 2010

I don’t know if it is a generational thing or if older people feel they have the right to treat younger officemates as children, but the comments I get at work about what I eat/don’t eat are out of control. It is hard to bite your tongue when people say rude things about you in front of you. I got a “what’s THAT?!!??!” the other day about… an avocado slice.

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60 katherine February 12, 2010

I’ve had friends and family who’ve commented on my weight and it’s been good and bad. When I was in the midst of some pretty unhealthy eating/exercise habits, their concern was obvious. However, their comments weren’t really helpful; they just made me feel more self conscious and intent on losing weight. They were right though – I wasn’t being healthy – and I think they were only trying to help.

On the flip side, I also get lots of comments about what I eat, but I find most of those now are made by people who are struggling with their own weight/diet issues. We had cupcakes at work one day and, unlike the 10 other times, I decided to have one. Everyone on my floor kept commenting “oh my gosh, you’re having a cupcake?? i never thought i’d see the day! blah blah blah” It made me really uncomfortable, until I realized they are all dealing with their own issues. More often than not, people comment on other people’s actions b/c they are afraid of looking INWARD. I can’t fix their problems, but I can choose to keep their comments in perspective and surround myself with those who are a positive influence in my life.

I hope your friend can find a way to deal with her friend soon!

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61 Jen February 12, 2010

I don’t have friends who comment on my weight, but my boyfriend comments on my eating habits/weight/whatever all of the time. I don’t think he means to be mean or to make me feel self conscious but he really does. (It may also be a cultural difference as he is Japanese and I am British)

I’ve tried to talk about it to him before and let him know that his constant comments about stuff (even if they are good!) just make me focus more on something which I know isn’t THAT important, and isn’t really something that I should be worried about, as I am a healthy weight etc. In fact, all of his attention on that particular issue makes me much more likely to come home and binge on something, rather than continue to eat healthily like I try to do most of the time! Hmmmmm…

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62 Janna (Just Flourishing) February 12, 2010

That’s awful for her.

Obviously that girl is extremely uncomfortable with her own body image that she has to keep tabs on her her friends every bite of food.

I actually did have 2 friends who would make comments about my weight/ food consumption. But I didn’t have to wonder why, I knew that they were both struggling with their own body images and self esteem do I didn’t let it get to me.

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63 Astrid February 12, 2010

The only comments I get now about what I eat is when people see me pull out my lunch that is full of veggies. They always ask if I am a vegetarian and they always say, wow you eat so healthy! It never seems negative, and since I know I am eating well and not depriving myself at all, I do not feel self conscious.
My mom and dad often comment about my weight and ask about what I am eating. My dad assumes that I never eat fried food and my mom is constantly commenting on how my weight looks in pictures. She will say, wow, you put on weight, yuo look good. When the truth is, I haven’t gained a pound! So I never know what to think with them. They both know that I struggle with being healthy, so I know their comments come out of concern.
Sometimes comments like those uttered by Kara’s friend are out of concern, especially if Kara has gone through an ed or a similar struggle. But if the friend is just turning this into a competition, that that is just rude, and she clearly has her own body and health issues to work through.
Those are my two (three, four….) cents!

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64 caitlin February 12, 2010

i didnt read all the comments so i might be repeating something already said but…

although i dont think this is kara’s situation, sometimes it is a GOOD THING that your friends are keeping tabs on your weight. i have said things to friends who i believed had lost too much weight. i think it’s ok and important for a friend to feel like they can speak up if they need to. you should be able to talk to your real friends about these things.

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65 JoJo February 12, 2010

I don’t really get comments from my close friends. If I did start to get comments from a friend, I think I would back away from that person because I think it would trigger some unhealthy thoughts, habits for myself.

But I did want to say that I have a co-worker that I occasionally go to lunch with and HE will make blunt statements about my weight!! One time he said, “Have you been putting on any weight? You look like you have.” (And I hadn’t even gained anything, but was wearing a loose shirt)

He is from another country and maybe it’s ok to say things like that in that country. I think the next time he says something about my weight (or anyone’s), I will tell him that it is impolite to make those kinds of comments.

I couldn’t believe it when he said that!!

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66 Courtney February 12, 2010

I would have to say that my friends do pretty much the opposite of Kara’s friend. Not that they encourage unhealthy habits [most of them try to eat healthily for the most part, go to the gym, etc.], but when we go out to eat, everyone orders heavy pasta dishes, pizza, greasy food, and someone is always wanting to go out! I suppose such is life in University, and especially living in a house with five other girls! But sometimes it’s still hard to reign it all in when “everyone else is doing it”.

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67 Nicole, RD February 12, 2010

That’s horrible! What “friends”. I feel this way, but I guess it’s understandable. I fee dietitian should eat healthfully and look a healthy weight. Not to be confused with perfect, but I think it’s important to practice what you preach. I, thankfully, am one who feels anything can be a part of a healthy diet (in moderation). But I get comments and glances from people who feel otherwise. Oh well! I’ve learned not to take any of it to heart.

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68 Tracey @ I'm Not Superhuman February 12, 2010

Wow, sounds like the friend has major issues with her own weight. It seems like she’s either critical of Kara’s weight because just as she’s critical of her own weight. And when Kara loses weight? The friend is jealous. I’d tell my friend that I’m not so concerned about my weight–and she shouldn’t be either. And I’d appreciate it if she stopped criticizing how I ate. If she didn’t stop, I’d stop going out to eat with her.

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69 mmclaughlin February 12, 2010

I have a friend that I love dearly, but she is super competitive with me for some reason. We’ve known each other for 7 years now, and traveled together extensively. She always seems to monitor my weight, and if she notices that I have lost weight or am *gasp* thinner than her, she gives backhanded compliments and offers to have me over for dinner, and then makes really heavy, fattening, unhealthy foods… which she comes up with an excuse not to eat. I now live in a different city, so I don’t have to worry about it as much, but we’re running a half-marathon together next month and I’m half dreading it, half looking forward to it. :(

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70 Katie@ Two Lives, One Lifestyle February 12, 2010

Wow, that sounds like a toxic friend. It doesn’t sound like she means it in a good natured way. If she really thought her friend had an eating disorder or was very unhealthy, then it would probably be better to discuss it away from food, not picking on her choices! I’ve never had a situation quite like that but have heard friends comment behind other friend’s backs about their weight (too low? too high?). It’s just negative and stems from something other than genuine concern for a friend I think. That is unfortunate, but seems like it would be best to avoid eating with that friend!

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71 Diane February 12, 2010

Yes, unfortunately I have friends like that. I wish I could just slowly drop her from my life (for lack of a better way of saying that) but we *used* to be best friends so our families know eachother, we have the same circle of friends and she’s basically at whatever event I go to. It’s just always a competition with her, and it’s very very stressful.

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72 Brittany February 12, 2010

First of all, advice that I would give Kara is to politely (or maybe not so politely!) ask her friend to worry stop focusing on Kara’s food choices, as it’s her own body and she should be able to treat her body however she would like!

I was glad to read this post and the responses, because I’ve actually been experiencing this a lot lately. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder in the past, and in recent years have just gone through stages of disordered eating. However, I feel that I have finally found something that works for me- a high raw, high vegan diet (with focuses on the principles of raw food diets, such as food combining, and ‘raw til dinner’). I am currently on a college swim team, so I eat a lot of meals in the cafeteria with my teammates. While I know that my diet is working for me (and I supplement meals of fruits and vegetables in the cafeteria with other foods such as nuts and sprouted grain bread that I keep in my dorm room), I feel like my teammates judge me for it. They think that because I’m eating fruit for breakfast, or a salad for lunch, that I am ‘starving myself.’ It’s a very uncomfortable situation for me, because I want to do what works for me, but I don’t want to be constantly judged negatively for it.

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73 Coco February 12, 2010

Heya Angela!

I have a friend who makes a lot of comments of what I eat.
It isn’t meant to be negative but whenever I order a salad at a restaurant, she just rolls her eyes, she thinks I am doing this because I want to lose weight when in reality I order the food that appeals to me most which are big salads.
I also try and cut out sugars in my diet so when she buys a cookie and I don’t she again, comments about that.

My advice to Kara is, do and eat whatever you want.
It sounds like her friend is the one totally obsessed about weight, so next time, if she comments on her food Kara should ask, why are you so obsessed about what I eat?
And also if she has an issue with weight and food as she constantly talks about it.
This way she can turn the table around, obviously she is projecting her own food issues onto Kara.

It seems like it’s so much easier to eat lots of junk than lots of healthy food, the former gets far less snippy comments…
It’s not that easy being a greenie. :D

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74 Heather (Heather's Dish) February 12, 2010

before i gained my weight after marriage, i had friends who did the same sort of thing…i had a really unhealthy outlook on food and exercise at that point, though, so i relished the fact that they almost idolized my weight. thinking back on it now, i don’t think i would feel the same way and it would certainly bother me…

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75 Sarah February 12, 2010

Oh my God – that’s terrible! I’m sorry, but I can’t help but wonder what kind of a friend ‘Kara’ has. She doesn’t seem like a true friend.

I’ve had people comment on how much I eat and on my weight, but it’s usually really positive. The only rare time it isn’t is from my Grandma, and that’s just because she’s from a different generation. Plus, she says it out of love.

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76 Jolene February 12, 2010

Wow – if I ever had a friend like that I would stop spending time with them. That is absolutely ridiculous. My friends don’t keep track of my weight as far as I know!

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77 Ally (Exercise and Pies) February 12, 2010

Well I have the stereotypical gay best friend and he has NO problem what so ever telling me if i’m getting pudgy. He told me that a few of my friends agreed with him that my arms were getting fat. My arms and my hips hold most of my fat so in a way he was right… but I had gained 5 lbs AND it was freshman year of college. Needless to say, I cried and really thought of him a lot differently than I had in the past

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78 Bronwyn February 12, 2010

Wow, this is such a relevant topic to my life. How do you know the right topics to talk about Angela? It’s awesome.

So there’s two sides to this story. One I have a friend who doesn’t really make explicit comments about my weight, but she always brings up her weight and eating habits when I’m around.
And I know she wants me to tell her I weigh more then her, or something, and play her sick and twisted game of “whose thinner”.
But I just don’t want to. And it sucks because I can’t eat comfortably in front of her beccause I continually feel scrutinized, and judged.
The worst part? She knows I used to have an eating disorder. On the same lines she had a mother who told her on her thirteenth birthday (and this is a quote) “Now girls (she has a skinny twin) you have to start watching your weight; this is the time when girls often gain weight they can’t lose.”
Also my friend was a chubby kid, and her mom said to me and my mom “A will always have to watch her weight.” And it’s not a health thing for this family, it’s an image/vanity thing…
Sometimes I do avoid hanging out with her, because I really don’t want to hang out with someone who sees being healthy as a task, when I see it as an enjoyable lifestyle….

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79 alyssa February 12, 2010

I can TOTALLY relate. I am in college and eating in the school cafe isn’t always easy. I usually try to stay away from most of the breads because I don’t know what is in them. I try to be aware and mostly stick to veggies and salad (I don’t eat meat anyway). Well, one day I decided to make a veggie sandwich. I thought the world was about to stop the way my roommate looked at me and said “bread!! no way! are you really? are you feeling ok? aren’t you gonig to gain too much weight?” I hate that because I choose to be aware of the things that I put into my body and what chemicals are in it, it makes me only eating that way to “keep my weight down.” I never say anything when she decides to eat cookies and pizza for dinner. Frankly, I could care less. Do what makes you happy, thats what I do. So why are my choices such a shocker to other people? Who cares? I think that people need to start minding their own business and only butt in when their choices are going to affect another person.

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80 rebecca lustig February 12, 2010

I can totally relate. I feel like my friends keep constant tabs on me. It drives me nuts because sometimes I just want to be left alone!

rawr. hah.

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81 kalli@fitandfortysomething February 12, 2010

It really irritates me when people act like that. “Are you sure you are gonna eat all that?” Uh yes and maybe more! Stay out of my business…..I am healthy, fit, and don’t have an eating disorder!

As you can tell I am quite annoyed by these “friend”!

Good topis of discussion,,,

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82 Jennifer February 12, 2010

I think at my age, 21, when you live with a bunch of girls and are living in such a bubble, it is hard to not talk about weight issues with your friends. But, I will say that I think a lot of the time, it is a subconscious thing to talk about weight with other people. The criticism is often passive, yet noticeable. I always try to be blunt with friends and just tell them I don’t want to talk about our weight issues because everyone is so different.

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83 Cecilia February 12, 2010

I feel so sorry for your friend Kara that she’s in this situation. I really don’t have any advice to give on how to handle it, because I haven’t been in that situation. I mean, I have lost a noticeable amount of weight recently, but all of my friends are really careful with how they comment on it and are only every nice about it.

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84 Jessica @ Jess I Can February 12, 2010

I get tons of comments about my weight, and they are always really uncomfortable. Since I lost 30+ lbs almost 2 years ago and have more or less maintained the loss, I get lots of comments like “Have you lost even more weight?” or “You’re so skinny!” even when I haven’t.

People always make these comments at social gatherings in front of a lot of people too, so it feels really awkward. I never know what to say besides, “I don’t think so, but I don’t weigh myself”, but then they usually insist that I have.

The worst was when I was waitressing, and I would get some sort of comment like this from a couple of the managers at least once a week!

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85 Meredith February 12, 2010

I get weight/eating comments a lot. Sometimes they’re pretty outrageous, e.g. “I don’t know if it’s the pants, or if you’ve gained weight..” to “you look like a cartoon character because your legs are so skinny” … apparently how I look in pants is a divisive issue. Anyway, everyone is sensitive about different things. I have “friends” who really pressure me to drink and that bothers me A LOT more than anyone who asks nosey questions about what I eat.

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86 Katheryn February 12, 2010

Yes, I’m in a similar situation. My two closest friends don’t do that. But my family and acquaintance friends are definitely like that with me. They seem to enjoy commenting about how small I am. They’re always watching what I eat and how much I eat. Comments, comments, comments. It’s quite frustrating sometimes.

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87 Shannon February 12, 2010

There’s a difference between discussing food/fitness/body issues with girlfriends and being grilled without provocation! I hope Kara can talk with her friend about how it’s making her feel, or reevaluate whether this person is adding to or draining from her life.

Maybe this is a stupid question… do you eat kiwi fruit with the skin on? I always peel it, and seem to lose a lot of the fruit goodness in the process. It never occurred to me that it might be OK to eat!

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88 Notesfromthegrove February 12, 2010

I have a friend who kind of does the opposite thing, but with the same results (ie. it ends with ME feeling bad). She says things like, “Yeah, but you’re so much smaller than me,” and, “Oh come on, admit it, you have a way better body than I do”. It just makes me feel bad. It’s a backhanded compliment for sure.

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89 Beth @ DiningAndDishing February 12, 2010

I think in general women tend to compare themselves to one another and as a result keep track of other’s eating and activity decisions. I think sometimes, women see someone eating what they think is too much or too little and get anxious as if their friend’s decision somehow reflects on their own…does that make sense? I’m sure it’s not healthy behavior but I know people (including myself) who have been guilty of it in the past.

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90 Lily @ Lily's Health Pad February 12, 2010

Kara’s friend needs to grow up. She’s acting like a high school student. I do sometimes get comments about my weight (which is in a perfectly healthy range), but mostly I get comments about how much I exercise. (Usually about 6 days a week for 1-2 hours.) I know this is more than the average person, but I LIKE exercising. On days where I exercise over an hour, I’m usually doing something low impact like yoga for half of it. I’m in a healthy weight range, I’ve never been injured, and I eat enough food to fuel my body. As long as exercise isn’t hindering my relationships or my work life…leave me alone!

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91 Mo February 12, 2010

I get generalized comments about eating and weight from family and friends, but mostly it is because of being vegan. I hear the “eating like a bird, rabbit, etc” comment quite a bit. I don’t really care about this kind of thing because I love my eating lifestyle; it’s my favorite part of being me. Weird, I know! :-P

I do have one friend who makes comments when she thinks that I have lost weight. She approaches me and while grabbing “excess fabric” will say something like, “those pants? You can’t wear them anymore” or “you’ve lost weight again”. It’s awkward and I really never know what to say other than that I do not think that I have lost weight. We all go up and down a bit over the course of months and years and by scrutinizing our weight, we become obsessed with it.

Two months ago someone who was at my June wedding said to me that I looked MUCH healthier now than I did then. She said this while giving me that look as though I was skin and bones on my wedding day! I was certainly not anything close to that, I assure you! So it was that I was too skinny on my wedding day (btw, thanks for telling me that you think that I looked like crud on the happiest day of my life!) or that I have gained weight (thanks for pointing that out!) It was really odd and all I could think of was…. I have no response to that.

Words are powerful, people!! No one should let their own self esteem issues or whatever negatively impact others. Think before you speak!

The next time her friend says something, I think that Kara should very nicely say that she has a healthful view of food, weight and eating habits and that comments about it can possibly derail these efforts. That might get her friend to understand that what she is saying is hurtful.

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92 Clare February 12, 2010

I am a recovered anorexic, and one of my friends is constantly commenting on what I eat and my weight. It was worse at the beginning of my recovery – telling me I should eat more, etc – and has gradually gotten better. I know she was only looking out for me which I really appreciate, but it was very frustrating. She, too, has had eating disorders in the past and I felt like she had no right to tell me what I should be doing. It was also difficult because recovery is a process. There were days when maybe I wasn’t doing everything exactly right, but I still felt like I needed to be making these decisions on my own.

Now (about 3 years later) I have fully recovered and even battled being slightly overweight. It was especially difficult to try to lose weight around my friends since it included behavior that had gotten me into trouble in the past. I’ve recently just decided to take on the mind set that I know my body better than anyone else, and that if I know that I am being healthy I shouldn’t care about what other people think.

Does anyone that is new to the blog world find that reading food blogs has gotten them a little grief from friends? All these new foods and recipes made my friends a little uneasy since food was such an issue in my past. But after realizing that I am eating well and enjoying cooking finally, I’ve gotten my friends in on it too! Talking about the blogs and foods has actually been a great bonding experience for us. So thanks!!

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93 Steph at Steph's Life In Motion February 12, 2010

That girl is not Kara’s friend. I can’t believe that someone would say such ugly things to her. I think that in talking to our friends, the word “weight” should never be used! If one of my friends looks great, I tell them, “You look fantastic!” I never say, “You look like you’ve lost weight!” Women need to be reassured that we’re wonderful, not that they are at someone else’s ideal weight.

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94 Mae @ OhhMay February 12, 2010

There are a few people that really put pressure on me as far as workouts go. They’re always asking if I went to the gym, how far I went, etc. If I worked out for a while it was too long but if I had a quick workout they say “that’s unlike you, are you getting lazy?”. It makes me want to not go at all, to be honest!!

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95 Kt F @ Through The Finish February 12, 2010

People always project their own insecurities onto others… but even if you know it while they’re doing it, it’s still obnoxious as hell! Talk about awkward. I think Kara ought to say something, kindly, about how she feels self-conscious bc her friend is always commenting on her food choices/weight. If it doesn’t stop, she shouldn’t get food with her, plain and simple. Doesn’t seem like a healthy relationship anyway. I’ve been in this situation. Sucks. Also with family members… harder to get out of that tangle :/

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96 Diana @ frontyardfoodie February 12, 2010

That’s horrible!!! I don’t think that person she be called a ‘friend’! Friends are supposed to love and support you for who you are not what weight you are. I’m appalled by that.

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97 Bec February 12, 2010

I have never had friends keep tabs on my weight. I was an in patient in an eating disorder facility when I was in high school and after I went back to school people asked me about ‘it’ and make some comments which hurt my feelings at the time but in reality we were all just young and while my friends were trying to be supportive and understand they just did not. Family however is a different matter. Both grandmothers always had something to say about my fluctuating weight and how much bigger I was than my siblings. And I remember aunts and uncles saying the occasional disrespectful comment. My mother and family still to this day comment on my weigh and I am in my 30’s! Some things never change… Great topic by the way.

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98 Stephanie February 12, 2010

I DO have friends and family make comments but I think it is out of genuine concern. I struggled with an eating disorder in my teens and had to go live in a special facility for a while because I had become so unhealthy. My weight does fluctuate a bit, and whenever I look even a bit thinner, some people (family mostly) panic and ask nosey questions…But I honestly just think that they are concerned I’m relapsing.

I have had one friend make “observations” about my eating.(she’s a blunt, forward person, and sometimes she says things not meaning to be hurtfull, but doesn’t realize how it can come across)I just told her right then and there how I felt about it and why it’s not appreciated and it was over. She appologized, and we’ve never had an issue since. We’re very close, and she is an extremely good friend. I think Kara should talk to this girl and tell her how innapropriate she is being. She may not even realize she’s doing it, or thee may be some other underlying issues. If they are friends, they should be able to talk it out.

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99 Katie @ Health for the Whole Self February 12, 2010

I think the reason something like this happens in the first place is that society almost teaches us, as women, to see each other as COMPETITORS. So instead of supporting or encouraging one another, too often we find ourselves criticizing and trying to pull each other down. It doesn’t surprise me at all that this happens in the context of healthy eating, as healthy eating is inherently tied to things like weight and appearance – areas where women are socialized to be especially competitive.

I feel like women as a whole gender need to find ways of uniting – of coming together – instead of seeing each other as competition.

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100 Katherine @ Lipgloss and Spandex February 12, 2010

A few people do comment on my weight…

-My BFF/coworker. We’re seeing the same nutritionist, work out together and see each other’s number on the scale every week! We’re supportive of one another though, and try to help the other make good choices (when one person’s will power fades, hopefully the other’s will step up!) I don’t mind this at all. I also have some other friends who are trying to lose weight and we’ll make positive comments to each other like, “Looking good!” but unless you’re sweating with them in the gym, my opinion is that you shouldn’t comment on their weight.

-Other coworkers, usually women. I usually eat pretty healthy, but occasionally I like to eat things like pasta or treats. And occasionally a catty coworker will say something like, “Oh that smells delicious! But it has SOOOO many calories.” That bothers me–if they don’t want to eat it, don’t eat it. Just mention that it smells good and leave it at that. If I want to eat it, I’m going to eat it and don’t need their commentary on the amount of calories.

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101 Annie February 12, 2010

The “friend” of Kara’s is probably self-conscious about her own lifestyle

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102 Michelle February 12, 2010

I definitely had a friend during high school who saw my weight loss as a threat. She was actually my best friend at the time, but quickly became a non-friend. I remember that she sent me an angry e-mail stating that i look like i’m from a 3rd world country and about to die. I found out after graduation that she was struggling with bulimia herself, which is why she was so focused on other people’s diets/appearances SO analy. I wish I were more patient with her and knew more about ED’s so I could have helped her.

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103 Cole February 12, 2010

I do have a friend who is like Kara’s friend, except she makes comments on how I am able to eat so much and never gain a lot of weight. That bothers me because I’m training for a race so therefore am running a lot and need to support my body. She also comments when I decide on “healthy” things when we go out. I understand women compare but I think we should all be more supportive of eachother!

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104 Lauren February 12, 2010

I have one particular friend who slips in comments about my eating and exercise habits whenever she can, and I think a lot of it stems from dissatisfaction with her own habits. If we go out and I don’t drink, she enjoys telling strangers that it’s because I’m “healthy.” And not in a proud, bragging way. If we go through McDonald’s and I get something to eat, she’s quick to say how surprised she is. Despite the fact that I indulge almost every single time. If I order a salad and a restaurant, she’ll say “Oh, I knew you were going to get that.” It used to really bother me, and for a while I thought I hated her. But once my mom pointed out that it probably is due to her own insecurities, I let it all go. I make my choices for ME, not to impress anyone else. At the end of the day, we go to sleep in our own bodies, and if she’s happy with her choices, I’m glad for her, but I’m especially glad for myself.

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105 Tina February 12, 2010

I have a friend who always comments on her own weight now that she has gotten skinny (too skinny in fact…115 at 5’8″ is no good!). Anyways, on occasion she will ask me about my weight and I have told her numerous times that I don’t know or care about my weight because I just care about looking like I’m fit and BEING fit. It bothers me that she puts so much emphasis on it and sometimes I do feel like she is keeping tabs on my weight. I even felt embarrassed when I saw her the other week because I had put on weight since she had seen me last. And even tough I’ve done that in order to get pregnant I felt like I was judged and that I had to justify why I was bigger. One thing that has shut her up more than before though is when I told her that I want people to know I work for my body, not that I starve for it.

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106 Anne P February 12, 2010

Poor girl, that’s messed up. I’ve definitely had friends act like that too, though, like making me feel guilty for not getting dessert or having a healthy entree, or vice versa, especially now that I have my healthy food blog. It basically just comes down to jealousy on their part – feeling like they can’t control their own eating habits so they have to criticize yours. Gotta let it roll off your shoulders. It doesn’t matter what others think as long as you feel good both mentally and physically about what you’re putting into your body!

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107 Sarah February 12, 2010

Yeah, this is a loaded topic… And it is disheartening to see how many women bring down other women :(. I haven’t had too many people comment on my weight, but the few times they have literally orbit in my mind ALL THE TIME. Like, years and years later. I remember my uncle told me once, probably five years ago at this point, that I would look good if I just got rid of that gut. I remember I randomly lost weight during the summer before college (just from running around and partying too much I guess) and my mother saying, Wow you look good. It becomes this mantra in your head, this belief: thinner is better, thinner is better. And it drives you crazy and makes you unhappy — and obviously can make some people lash out at their friends because of how miserable they feel.

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108 Sarah February 12, 2010

PS – Sketchie has been working too hard! Time for a vacay :) He’s so cute.

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109 jessica February 12, 2010

From the facts posted, I can’t even understand how Kara can consider this woman a friend. I would stay far away from this woman! We should surround ourselves with people that make us feel good — life is too short to deal with negative people. On the other hand, if Kara really wants this person to be her friend then she needs to confront her about her feelings.

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110 Annie @ The Kitchen Diaries February 12, 2010

Losing a lot of weight from an unhealthy weight for my height made me realize that there’s a very thin line (no pun intended) between people congratulating you and people telling you you look ridiculous/need more food in you/”why are you getting the salad?”

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111 Amanda February 12, 2010

I think its natural to deal with our own body image issues by comparing ourselves to other women. And who doesn’t have body issues? Even us who are most comfortable in our skin still have our days where we just don’t like what we see. I feel like body image issues are something that all women can understand and relate to. I think Kara should be able to talk to her friend and discuss the situation. In the end they could both benefit. Kara would feel like self-conscious and maybe her friend will get a chance to talk about her own issues concerning body image and weight.

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112 Laura @ Backstage Pass to Health & Happiness February 12, 2010

I have one particular friend that DRIVES ME CRAZY by constantly making comments about my weight / body! She herself has severe self-esteem issues, so I am not sure if her regular comments toward me are something she feels that every friend should offer or what.
Lately she’s said “You look like you’ve lost weight,” every time she sees me. I attribute this to a new pair of jeans (darker in color), the fact that I only see her once a month or less, and maybe just general changes in attire. I definitely take it with a grain of salt, and when she tells me this I just try and change the subject.
She does constantly bug me about exercise – I am her maid of honor in her wedding about 2 months from today – the worst she’s ever done was comment on my Facebook page (for all of my friends / contacts to see) about – “Hey, why weren’t you at the gym? When are you going to work out?” which was totally rude of her.

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113 Jenna @ Health and Happiness February 12, 2010

Thankfully my friends are all pretty chill about what they eat, but they do stress about the way they look.– like spending hours getting ready and changing clothes multiple times instead of actually leaving the house and having fun… I’d rather not spend hours in front of the mirror curling my hair and they give me a hard time about not wanting to primp for as long as them..Great post, it really made me think. Happy Olympics!

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114 Mary February 12, 2010

My friends NEVER do that, but my sister in law sounds exactly like Kara’s friend… I HATE IT. She totally gives me a hard time for eating lots of veggies (“rabbit food diet”) and she’ll often comment about how she likes to “eat real food” and how “she can’t eat nothing like I do”… and this is when I have a hugh jass salad and she’s having a bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce… She is very thin and I think my wieght loss (90lbs) makes her insecure. (obv) She’s always right there to let me know how she thinks my progress is coming… if it has slowed etc. AND she constantly asks me my weight. I caught her once trying to see what size my jeans were and I said “they’re a size 12… I know… HUGE aren’t they?!” .. She became very embarrased and then kept trying to tell me how she thinks I don’t look “that big”… *sigh*

As you can see from my novel, this post spoke to me. Kind of feels good to vent about it! :) Thanks Ange!

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115 Megan @ Healthy Hoggin February 12, 2010

I totally have a “friend” like that, too! Once, she told me that she had a dream that I lost weight, and that she was so mad at me for it! It felt like she was threatening to not be my friend if I ever got skinnier than her…

I’ve noticed that most people who are critical of what others eat, and how much weight they lose or gain, are typically just very self-conscious of themselves. I think they’re afraid your healthy choices are making them look bad! I have learned to let it go with my certain friend, but it took me a while!

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116 Saima February 12, 2010

i think all of us have had friends like Kara…the best thing to do is to confront them abt it…telling them how you feel!! Good Luck!!

Ange–was wondering if you read that 3 of the top 5 liveable cities in the world as ranked by ‘The Economist’ are Canadian!! ye yaaaaay….represent!!
1. Vancouver
4. Toronto
5. Calgary

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117 Amanda February 12, 2010

As a registered dietitian working in a hospital, I can totally relate to your friend’s comments. My coworkers and I get comments if we eat dessert (“Ooh, the dietitians are eating cake! I thought you always ate healthy!), but then we also get comments if we’re having salad for lunch (“All you girls eat is salad! That’s how you stay so trim!) We also get people defending their food choices to us. It’s almost like they feel as if we are “catching” them with that tray of french fries of slice of pizza… as if we are judging them or something (which is totally not true, we are not the food police!). Most of the comments are all in “good fun,” but it gets frustrating because we can’t win either way! Oh well, can’t please everyone I guess! I’m loving the discussion you got going and am looking forward to part 2!

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118 Hannah February 12, 2010

Oh my gosh I totally get this! Girls in high school are constantly talking about it. When I was in the depths of my eating disorder girls would say, “You are scary skinny!” and that didn’t help at all. Or once at a friend’s house we were eating candy and the same girl looked at a bag of candy and said “Oh my gosh this has 8g of saturated fat!” I mean, hello, it’s candy! But once in a while is fine!

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119 La February 12, 2010

I don’t really have anyone in my life who makes it much of a competition, although people are constantly commenting on how thin I am – and how my body has been changing since I started working out. What I do have is my boyfriend, who notices literally every weight fluctuation, and he’ll tell me (sometimes not-so-tactfully) that I’ve gained or lost weight. It kind of gave me a complex for a while until I talked to him about it. Now he’s figuring out how to say it nicely.

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120 Ana February 12, 2010

Yeah, I do have friends who make comments on how I eat, and it drive me bonkers. I love my friends dearly but sometimes it really makes me feel sad to hear some comments from them.
However, the ones that I felt the worse and who always commented with a tone of jealousy I simply slowly walked away from. It is somewhat sad, but it was definitely not doing me any good being around them, and I feel much better now without their presence, thank you very much!
The one thing I hate to hear is “oh, I so wish I could eat like you” or the worse ones “you are so lucky to have a nice body, you can eat as much ice cream you want”…. arghhhhh!!! Wait, wait, my body may look good, but I DO WORK HARD FOR IT!! I treat myself well and my body with the respect it deserves. I eat healthy, I get enough sleep, and I exercise. I didn’t get where I am out of nowhere, my at least 3 days a week at the gym are very accountable into my shape!
It is like people don’t see these aspects when they comment about other people’s body or way of eating. I hate hearing those kind of comments from people who don’t do a thing, who don’t move themselves and and who eat poorly (and they always have an excuse for eating like that way, have you noticed that?!!!).
I wish people would think before they say anything, some comments are really hurtful.
Anyways, love your blog and the topics you always bring up, it is so cool to see others opinions on the subject and see that you are not the only one affected out there. It make me feel a little better!! :o)
And that oatmeal looks great with the kiwi slices on top! I made some oats yesterday just like that, looooove the chia seeds in my oats, so good!
Ana

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121 Lindsay Perrone (goodiesgalore) February 12, 2010

Sometimes I feel like my dad does that!! How annoying. I definitely feel uncomfortable eating certain things in front of him.
I must know, what do the skins of the kiwi taste like. I’m too scared to eat them that way in fear of the fully sensation.

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122 Angela February 12, 2010

I’m in pretty much the same situation right now but with my mother-in-law! Whenever my husband and I eat with them she always comments on what I’m eating like why my salad fills up most of my plate, why I am not the meat, why did I have so little of dessert or none at all? It’s driving me mad, I know how to take care of my body and I know what it needs I don’t need someone to tell me that I eat too many veggies and not enough dessert! I honestly have no idea how to deal with it, usually I just ignore her haha!

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123 caitlin February 12, 2010

i was thinking about this post at the hairdressing!

i have to echo what someone else said – i hate it when people talk about how “lucky” i am to be a healthy weight. like it’s something that happened accidentally???

bottom line is you need to be thoughtful when you talk to someone about weight.

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124 Jennifer February 12, 2010

Fortunately, the only people who make comments about my weight are my dad and brothers. They think I am too “thin” and that I should eat a “cheeseburger.” They really don’t understand the whole vegetarian diet (although I weigh the same as I did when I ate meat).

I think that if Kara really values this friendshp, she should talk to her friend about the comments that she is making. She should let her know that it bothers her, and that it makes her feel insecure. Kara’s friend is obviously insecure about her own weight and eating habits. Perhaps laying it out on the table can help them have a healthier relationship, and perhaps her friend will also begin to feel less secure if it no longer an issue.

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125 Lisa February 12, 2010

I do not have any friends who comment negatively about my weight.If anything they say I’m skinny…they’re kind ;)
My Mother constantly does though. She’ll walk passed me and say hmm you look like you’ve gained weight, or that shirt shows all terrible things on you; Those types of comments. But My BMI is 19.9….and she’s overweight so I really don’t care what she says ;)

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126 Lisa February 12, 2010

One more thought:
“Hurt people, Hurt People”
Kara’s friend is clearly hurting about her weight…

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127 Mariam February 12, 2010

Hey
I don’t comment on here much..but i follow (every day!!) . I love your topics ..theyre so meaningful ..This really hit the spot I have a aunt who i stay with almost every weekend who does this exact same thing! its come to the point that I make excuses not to go to her place..Its just that as someone with a ED ..thats not what you need.
Its scary how women and often boys must deal with critics ..all the same while trying to be a strong and succesful person.

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128 Jil February 12, 2010

I have a friend who always says that she is gonna get so fat when she visits me…like I eat like crap or something. It’s just the fact that I eat healthfully — therefore I can eat more!! haha I know she doesn’t mean it as an insult to me — it’s more that she is insecure with her own weight — but still geeesh.

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129 Melissa S. February 12, 2010

I see that more often than I would like to confess. I think Kara’s friend has some issues she needs to deal with, but can’t find the correct way to talk about it/discuss it.

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130 Heather @ Side of Sneakers February 12, 2010

Yes my friends keep tabs on my weight! It’s horrible!! I think it has something to do with that horrible innate need females seem to have to compete with other females. I don’t understand why my weight affects anybody but me. I understand a heartfelt comment if somebody is endangering their health, but on a day to day basis? Get over it! If I eat something healthy they say something about how I don’t eat and I should eat more, and if I eat a ton or something unhealthy I usually get a rude comment about what I ‘must go do later.’ If only everyone could support each other :( I just ignore it tho- I take care of my body the way I want to!

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131 Gillian February 12, 2010

I was recently asked several times in one week how much I weighted and it made me really uncomfortable. My grandparents often comment on different family member’s weight without realizing they’re being offensive and I find it a sensitive issue.

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132 Meghan@traveleatlove February 12, 2010

People ALWAYS make comments on how much I eat. I am a grazer and truly need to eat about every hour. Usually healthy things like apples, almonds, carrot sticks, yogurt. But nevertheless I get “You’re eating AGAIN?” I would never comment on someone’s eating habits like that!

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133 alison February 13, 2010

i eat mini meals throughout the day to keep my energy up and feel like i get those comments too!

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134 Jennifer February 12, 2010

I typically don’t keep “friends” like that around for very long.

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135 MareBare February 12, 2010

I can’t stand friends like that! I wouldn’t even call that a friend- clearly a frienemy! I used to have a friend that was not only critical about the way I looked but also took pleasure when bad things happened to me- which always made me feel worse. After years of this weird friendship I finally opened my eyes and decided she wasn’t a healthy friend for me and I would be better off without her. I know it sounds cruel but some people are just toxic and if they can’t learn to love themselves they will hate you to make them feel better. I say give her an ultimatum- either she is supportive of your healthy lifestyle or hits the road jack!

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136 Michal February 12, 2010

Ugh that makes me so mad I could just spit. Your friend Kara (or whatever her real name may be) should not feel any pressure what so ever, because it sounds like your other friend has insecurties. I find it funny how people wont comment when someone is overweight or overeating, but if your eating healthful foods its fair game.

Geese.

Oh and yummy oatmeal! :)

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137 eileen February 12, 2010

I noticed in your picture that your kiwi has the skin on it. Do you always eat the skin?

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138 Brittney February 12, 2010

Thankfully I don’t really have any friends who keep up with my weight and such. At least not to my knowledge ;) I live at home with my parents so sometimes my mom will make comments. She asks a lot if I plan on working out and the other night I had a big serving of Fritos (which are thankfully never really in the house because those are like crack for me) and she said “Well, that’s not very healthy.” It kind of gets on my nerves but I just let it roll off my back.

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139 Katie February 12, 2010

I have a friend who is like that. Every time we go out she always has something to say either about what I’m eating or something about the gym. What drives me the most crazy is that it’s like she is talking down to me. It’s very annoying and unfortunely I have had to stop spending as much time with her because she can be a very negative influence.

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140 RobynW February 12, 2010

I’m a freshman in college and instead if gaining weight like my friends I have lost weight from running daily. I get a lot of comments on my size and I feel like I’m put in the role of the “healthy skinny girl” a lot. My friends will sometimes mimic what I eat or ask me to list for them what I eat in a day. It’s strange because I don’t like discussing weight much, but it’s sort of forced on me and I do feel watched sometime. I feel like I have a healthy relationship with fitness and food, but my friend’s obsessions can make it hard to maintain a normal perspective.

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141 DJ February 12, 2010

Hey, I rarely comment, that doesn’t mean I don’t love your site LOL… but this topic is familiar to me… 1st, y suffered from an eating disorder when I was 15 through 16… and after I recovered and my last two years of high school, one of my good friends was just how you describe Kara’s friend… all day and night figuring out what I was eating, how much, how much i gained or lost… we used to do diets together and exercise together but later I got so fed up with it. At the end, I ended up not being such good friends with her anymore because I noticed that she was like this especially in this aspect of my life, but she also speculated all my life as well. She liked to gossip and that’s why I ended up having a fight with her one day. Ultimately I decided it was healthier for me to stay away from her for a bit. I felt monitored all the time and it can drive you crazy.

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142 jaclyn February 13, 2010

This is a very interesting topic. Generally people don’t comment but some of my friends have commented, when my weight got too low, out of concern. I think generally, though, comments like the ones your friend was receiving are a reflection of the commentor’s own insecurities that she had been eating badly/didn’t like her own body, etc. People focus on others’ to deflect what is going on with themselves!

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143 Amie February 13, 2010

Kara’s friend seems kind-of not nice. :( I have a couple of girlfriends that I talk about weight with. But not really judging, just checking up. We are all concerned about our weight/health, so it becomes a natural thing to talk about…how our eating is going, how we are doing with workouts, etc..and we’ll share advice if someone asks. Its like a support system :) Totally non-judging.

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144 Laura February 13, 2010

I really think (not all of you great bloggers!) people should be careful when they talk about other people’s weight- and what right do we have to be so personal and hurtful? It sounds corny, but there are enough bad things going on in the world- Haiti, kidnappings, losing our troops in Afghanistan, than to generate more pain ourselves. Do people not know how lucky we are to be so comfortable as to actually have time and energy to do this to our friends rather than hoping the harvests won’t fail? Also, you never, never know what is going on with someone- they may put on weight because of clinical depression or an underactive thyroid, or be struggling with losing weight because of as yet undiagnosed Celiac (as I was), or Crohn’s disease, or even cancer. Also, we aren’t necessarily eating ‘salads’ and such and exercising to control weight, just maybe we might be doing it to give us a longer and healthier life, or reduce our stress levels. Theres an old fashioned word that seems to have gone by the wayside- respect! Just a couple of thoughts- bloggers you are a refuge from all the nastiness out there!

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145 Beeskneeslife February 13, 2010

This has happened to me throughout my life. Most recently from a co-worker who would comment on my lunches and how “skinny” I was all the time. I eat healthy and workout, and I got the sense she felt guilty about not being able to make good choices when it came to avoiding fast food and exercising like I was – not that it mattered one bit to me what she did! A family member also has to comment on everyone’s weight. Everytime I see her she says something about my husband and I and how “fit” we are. I have been the same size give or take a few pounds since we first met, and my husband is exactly the same as when I first met him! I just try to change the subject with her because it can make me uncomfortable sometimes, but she always finds a way to keep talking about weight(hers, mine, and others), working out, and food with me. It’s frustrating, but I take comfort in the fact that I am more secure with these issues then her at a much younger age.

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146 alison February 13, 2010

great post–very thought-provoking. my friends have commented if i look good (which is usually when i’m at my skinniest.) my parents/fam sometimes say when i look too thin but other than that, no. i’ve never had a bf or anyone make a comment like that.

when I know that i’ve gained weight though, subconsciously i wonder if people are thinking ‘she’s gained weight’ but aren’t telling me. even if it’s not even that much, but i feel different, i sometimes worry if people are thinking it.

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147 Kristilyn (My 29th Year) February 14, 2010

I’ve never really had a friend that critiques my weight, but I do have a lady I work with that always has to comment on what I eat. If we have donuts come in for a birthday, she’ll immediately say that I won’t have one because I’m on a diet. Or she comments that my Green Monsters look disgusting (all the time!). Or, if I’m eating something like a black bean brownie (which looks totally decadent), she’ll be like, “You’re eating a brownie? How many calories is that?” and then be totally turned off when I say it’s made with black beans.

It can get really annoying.

I’m happy about my relationship with my husband because he’ll actually try anything I make, no matter how weird or how utterly healthy it looks. I love it! And if I have a dinner of tofu with lots of veggies, he doesn’t say anything about me being too healthy, and if I have a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs with a side of garlic bread, he doesn’t say anything about me veering away from my diet.

I think some people don’t realize that it’s not a diet, but a lifestyle change – I’m allowed to have a brownie, or a donut, or carbs carbs carbs once in a while. If I feel like I’m deprived all the time, it’s not really living, right?

K

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148 anonymous February 15, 2010

I find that when people criticize others, it’s often the insecurities they feel about themselves. It’s the same concept as put downs. You don’t make someone feel bad when you feel so good. You make someone feel bad when you feel bad about yourself so in a sense you are elevating yourself and “making” yourself feel better.

This is such an important fact to realize so I know when things happen to me it’s no personal but rather an effect of something else.

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149 Teesha June 28, 2013

That is weird… one of my friends does the exact same thing to me!! Not only about what I eat and my weight, but about other things too. It’s honestly the worst feeling having a friend do that do you. Maybe try confronting her about it, or don’t be friends with her. You don’t need to take that from someone!

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