Good morning!
Wednesday already. :)
I have been baking since 5:45am this morning, as I have a bunch of orders to get out before noon today. I started my morning off with some strong Japanese Sencha tea and then later on in the morning I had this juice composed of 1/2 cuke, 1 apple, 1 piece ginger, 1/4 lemon.
Breakfast this morning was Banana Soft Serve vegan Overnight Oats (recipe found here). I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love this breakfast!!
So I won’t. I’ll just show you the goods!
Omg.
I seriously could not handle how good this was this morning. 
I sprinkled the top with a few cacao nibs too.
As you can see below, today is NOT a Wordless Wednesday! :mrgreen: more like, Verbal Diarrhea Wednesday…but hey it all balances out, right? ;)
What To Do About A Jealous Friend
I received this email from a blog reader named ‘Amy’. Amy would like your opinion on the situation below. I too thought it would be a great topic for discussion!
“Hi Angela!
I have been struggling with something for awhile now and didn’t know if you had any advice/done a post about this, or might be willing to. I have a friend who is competitive with me when it comes to pretty much anything: exercise, diet, money, new gadgets/toys, etc. I don’t want to sound like I have a big ego, but honestly, I get the feeling that she is jealous of me and that is why she brags or makes comments that make me feel badly about myself.
To give you a little background, this friend (I will call her B) actually used to have an eating disorder. She was very thin when we were in college together, and never sought help for her ED. Flash forward 9 years later, and now B has 2 small children and is struggling to lose about 10-15 pounds from her pregnancies. My weight has fluctuated a little bit in the last 10 years, but currently I’m at the lower end of a healthy weight for my height. But I really feel like, because B never dealt with the issue of her ED, she has a way to bring out the ED tendencies in me – does that make sense?
Back in college I got a little more attention from guys than B. I guess that’s why I think B might be jealous, though I promise I have never brought that stuff up or "flaunted it" around her!
B also teases me in front of other people for eating healthy. For example, our friends get together a couple times a month and they usually bring a lot of sweets. If I bring something healthy or pass on the sweets, B will remark in front of everyone how she could never "deprive" herself of things like that. She’s said things like, "Well, I worked out for 2 hours today so I can have those things," or a couple of times she’s mentioned how she skipped a meal that day so she doesn’t feel guilty.
I feel conflicted because I don’t want to place all of the blame on her – I know I have some things I need to work on in my ED recovery. But also, because she never sought treatment for her ED and I feel as though she might be jealous, I feel like she’s putting me down/making remarks just so she can feel better about herself. And that’s not okay, either, right?
I know the easy solution would be to stop being friends with her, but we’ve been friends for over 10 years. Also, we have many mutual friends, including my 2 sisters. And sometimes we really do have a great time together – it’s just the comments she’ll throw in here or there that make me feel badly.So I guess my question is – do you or your readers have any insight/advice (other than ending the friendship) on how to deal with friends like this?”
I think this a problem that SO many women experience. Our relationships with other women are so complex whether it be relationships with female coworkers, classmates, sisters, mothers, or friends. Expectations are so high for women in today’s world. We are expected to have it all: a great job, a great relationship, a great body, great kids, a fancy car, while juggling all of it with a big smile on our face. I think this pressure can create a competitive atmosphere between women, especially women you have frequent contact with (friends, family members, coworkers).
My Jealousy Story
I used to be jealous of my happy friends who I thought had the perfect life. While I was never the type to externalize my feelings onto others, the jealousy ate me alive on the inside. No matter how thin I was, I was never good enough, and the grass was always greener on the other side. These feelings are bound to impact one’s relationships in one form or another, whether it is passive or overt.
My big turning point was realizing that jealousy was only setting me back in my progress to a better life. Sure there are things I cannot change about myself, but I realized I could be happy by being good to myself.
I often remind myself of this quote:
Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James
I was that girl who scanned for evidence to feed my jealousy. I truly don’t believe I could have gotten past it, had I not recovered from my eating disorder because then, and only then, did I believe that I had value. This doesn’t just apply to eating disorders, but it can apply to any struggle that we have in our lives. Only after I started seeing my value, did I realize that nothing about my friends or surroundings had changed. I didn’t suddenly have a stroke of good luck. The only thing that changed was my perspective. Everything else was the same, but everything was so different simply by changing how I viewed the world around me.
Because of my past, I can see where B gets her insecurities from, however that does not justify her actions. It is really difficult when you love a friend dearly, yet you feel like they bring negative influences into your life. Who wants to say to a friend, ‘I think you are jealous of me.’? Who wants to break-up with a long-time friend? I would probably ask my friend where the comments are coming from and if they wanted to talk about anything that is bothering them. Sometimes, if you probe a little, you find out that people just want to talk about something that is bothering them, but they can’t find a way to express it in a non-hurtful manner. Honesty is not always an easy thing for people, but I think if we all communicated a little bit more, many of our problems would go away.
If talking with your friend doesn’t help, there is really only so much you can do. Remember that good friends will be happy for you and your successes. Be wary of anyone who is trying to diminish your light. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, a person isn’t ready to change. How long you are willing to put up with B’s treatment is something only you can decide.
Today’s questions- Have you ever been in Amy’s shoes? Do you struggle with jealous friends or feeling jealous of other people? Have you ever had to ‘break-up’ with a friend?
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. ~Josh Billings
I can totally relate to this. Women really have a tendency to bring each other down to build themselves up…but in the end it’s not fulfilling. To me, being jealous and especially ACTING on jealousy is a lose/lose situation. You don’t end up feeling any better for making someone else feel like crap.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories!!!
I’ve had to break up with a few negative friends over the last 5 years… As I’ve gotten older, it has become easier to see who my true friends are. B is not being a friend and when I have been in that situation, it has been best to just put as much distance in that relationship as possible. Don’t ‘nuke the bridge’, just don’t be as avail… ease out of it a little at a time. Just bc you have known some one for a long time does not give them the right to mistreat you ;)
I must try the oats they look so good and I need a change from my standard breakfast.
The jealousy issue, we cannot change how others feel or react to what we do or say, have you tried to just letting it roll off and not affect you? Just smile and change the subject, I do not believe you need to respond or explain why you have refused a treat. I would also say though that she is not really a friend if she purposely tries to make you feel bad about yourself.
I think the original poster should contact a professional counsellor about dealing with this problem.
Yes, In fact I just “broke up” with a friend a couple of days ago…..It sucks. However, I’m at an age now ( 34 ) that I no longer have the patience to deal or have this BS ( jealous friends ) in my life….I’d rather be alone:)
Been there, done that. It’s a stressfull situation and I found my way out of it by breaking up the relationships with people who were hideous to me. I hope Amy will find a way to talk to her friend, so that she won’t lose her but in the end if someone is not ready to change it’s not your problem. Good Luck!!!!
Sometimes I find myself feeling a tinge of jealousy over a friend for something like a job promotion, amazing hair or skin, or success in losing weight. The easiest way for me to deal with it is to just tell them. I’ll tell them how jealous I am, but also how happy I am for their success. If I truly care aobut them as a friend, the happiness always outweighs the jealousy. And if they are truly my friend, they always have encouraging words that I can use for motivation.
It’s important for us to build each other up and not tear each other down!
I’ve been there, too! I still feel like I have have a bit of a competitive relationship with a couple close women in my life, but I’ve grown to accept that the jealousy/competitiveness is just going to come and go with time. I think it’s common and normal– to a point– and I just try to keep my wits about me when I feel the need to compete. Sometimes it lights a fire in me to take better care of myself, too! So that’s a perk, I guess.
I have, however, had an un-healthy relationship with a girlfriend, and it finally got to the point where I did have to break it off! It was hard, but I was very confident with my decision. In fact, I felt so free and happy, I knew I had made the right choice! Fortunately, I don’t have to run into that person anymore, so it was a pretty smooth transition, but I’m sure it would be harder if you have to see them more often! Good luck!
That is definitely a great idea, asking if there is something that is bothering her friend. Sometimes some honest communication can make things worse at first, but then open up new possibilities.
That’s a tough situation for Amy. I would say to limit contact bit by bit and try saying things like “Everybody’s different”, or “we all have different tastes”, when B (or anyone) makes such comments. B is probably talking to her former self – not Amy. B probably HATES how she used to deprive herself of things and may think Amy is doing the same thing. Sometimes former ED gals are the hardest on others who struggle/or have struggled with ED. We want SOMEONE to blame the pain on. Most of the time when someone is mean to me, I just remind myself, its the pain talking, not them. This makes it easier to move on and not feel hurt and its usually true :-) *Hugs* all around!!
I have felt this way a LOT! I don’t know if it’s stemming from jealousy or what, but I’m in college and have roommates (who are also my best friends) who often make fun of the things I eat. I’m very open about my health consciousness, and I’m a vegetarian, but I never try to push my ways on them. When I make myself a healthy lunch, they will point to something like my hummus and comment about how gross it is. Or they’ll ask why I am putting spinach in my smoothie in a judgmental tone. Lately I’ve found myself “hiding” my food or trying to eat when they aren’t home so I don’t have to face their ridicule! When we go out, I will order just a gin and tonic or vodka water and I get made fun of by all my friends for not going the typical syrupy mixer route (like their favorite cherry vodka sour).
I know this is ridiculous seeing as I’m just trying to be the best and healthiest version of myself, but I don’t know what to do because I feel like it’s two against one..anyone else in college dealing with this?
I have not experienced this specifically, but I WAS that jealous girl once. It took me a long time to accept my life for the amazing, wonderful one that it is, and not think the grass was greener when I was thinner, or more like one of my friends… it isn’t! My life is perfect as it is :)
Great, great advice!
xo
K
Im de-lurking to say hi- love your blog! Keep up the great writing and inspiration
I remember some posts back you gave some advice on startingt blogs, right? I cant find that post!
Thx!
Ayla
I have 1 acquaintance who is insanely jealous of everything in my life, and others lives as well. She constantly tries to cut me down or what I do down. She brags, lies, and is a complete drama queen. It is exhausting.
End it. Toxic relationships are no good. And she doens’t have to split on bad terms. Just start phasing that friendship out and if the girl asks her about it she can be honest. Or be honest up front and say she won’t be able to spend as much time with her because of how she’s acting. The friend will either get the message and work on being less competitive and jealous or will transition out of her life. I had to let go of an entire group of toxic friends who I considered as close as family. It was hard but the BEST decision I’ve ever made and my friendships and relationships now are SO MUCH better!
I think on the situation with B, that she probably doesn’t realize how negative her comments are. I hear a lot of things like that (I could never deprive myself) from numerous people in my life and my interpretation is that they know they should be eating better and on some level feel guilty about that and are just trying to make themselves feel better.
Trying to work things out with people is always a better option than ending the relationship (unless of course it is abusive, creepy, etc.), and I think the best approach Amy could take is to choose to take the comments in a different light than she has previously or talk to B about how she feels when B says things like that.
My mom has a “tree face” on her huge oak tree in the back yard. It always freaks out my sister’s son…he’s only 2 and points at the tree and says “tree should not have face”…it’s hilarious! And he’s right! lol
I don’t know if I’ve been dealing with jealousy or not, but I have been dealing with a huge lack of support by my family and friends. For the past year or so I have been trying to really workout hard and eat healthy. I even started my own “Whittle My Middle” group with some friends who were interested (that fell apart because they all lost interest and lacked any kind of motivation).
Now, you have to understand that I have always been a smaller girl, never have I struggled with my weight. Both of my sisters have been jealous of me because as they put it, “I’m the skinny one”. I really wanted to start focusing on my health though, and getting fit, not skinny. I was really hurt when people started putting me down for wanting to workout and be healthy. I’d tell them about my workouts and about the new food I was eating and I’d get comments like, “You’re fine, you don’t need to eat like that.” or “Why do you care so much about that? You don’t need to get any skinnier.” I’d get really excited about my workouts and they would just roll their eyes.
I’m a mother of 2 and just found out I’m preggo with #3. I’ve been wanting to get into shape with this 3rd pregnancy but it’s hard when nobody will give you their support. My older sister gained A LOT of weight with all 3 of her pregnancies and didn’t lose much of it afterwards. She finally decided enough was enough and jumped into a healthy lifestyle. Now she works out everyday and is extremely fit. Everybody has been so supportive to her and cheering her on the whole way. I just don’t understand why it was okay for her to be concerned about her health just because she was overweight. Shouldn’t getting healthier be a good thing, period?
Sorry for the rant, but it’s been a sore subject for me. Anyone else struggle with this?
Hi Angela,
I am so glad you and Amy addressed this issue! I have had to break up with a group of girlfriends before which was not an easy thing to do. We were friends from high school but over the years these ladies became toxic influences in my life. There were serious jealousy issues within the group, they all talked about each other behind their backs and I never felt like these women would celebrate my success with me. They would have wanted to diminish my light instead of encourage me to shine.
After a couple rough months I decided I was done. I could no longer see myself being friends with these ladies. It’s funny that with a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship there is the expectation that there could be a break up. People enter into these types of relationships knowing that it could end. However, I feel like with friendships there is this unspoken assumption that your friendship will never end.
As much as it was hard to break free from that group of women, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. Now that I don’t have these people in my life that were dragging me down and making me unhappy, I have more time to focus on my true friends – the one’s that build me up, challenge me, encourage me and love me for who I am.
End of essay :)