Good morning!
Wednesday already. :)
I have been baking since 5:45am this morning, as I have a bunch of orders to get out before noon today. I started my morning off with some strong Japanese Sencha tea and then later on in the morning I had this juice composed of 1/2 cuke, 1 apple, 1 piece ginger, 1/4 lemon.
Breakfast this morning was Banana Soft Serve vegan Overnight Oats (recipe found here). I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love this breakfast!!
So I won’t. I’ll just show you the goods!
Omg.
I seriously could not handle how good this was this morning. 
I sprinkled the top with a few cacao nibs too.
As you can see below, today is NOT a Wordless Wednesday! :mrgreen: more like, Verbal Diarrhea Wednesday…but hey it all balances out, right? ;)
What To Do About A Jealous Friend
I received this email from a blog reader named ‘Amy’. Amy would like your opinion on the situation below. I too thought it would be a great topic for discussion!
“Hi Angela!
I have been struggling with something for awhile now and didn’t know if you had any advice/done a post about this, or might be willing to. I have a friend who is competitive with me when it comes to pretty much anything: exercise, diet, money, new gadgets/toys, etc. I don’t want to sound like I have a big ego, but honestly, I get the feeling that she is jealous of me and that is why she brags or makes comments that make me feel badly about myself.
To give you a little background, this friend (I will call her B) actually used to have an eating disorder. She was very thin when we were in college together, and never sought help for her ED. Flash forward 9 years later, and now B has 2 small children and is struggling to lose about 10-15 pounds from her pregnancies. My weight has fluctuated a little bit in the last 10 years, but currently I’m at the lower end of a healthy weight for my height. But I really feel like, because B never dealt with the issue of her ED, she has a way to bring out the ED tendencies in me – does that make sense?
Back in college I got a little more attention from guys than B. I guess that’s why I think B might be jealous, though I promise I have never brought that stuff up or "flaunted it" around her!
B also teases me in front of other people for eating healthy. For example, our friends get together a couple times a month and they usually bring a lot of sweets. If I bring something healthy or pass on the sweets, B will remark in front of everyone how she could never "deprive" herself of things like that. She’s said things like, "Well, I worked out for 2 hours today so I can have those things," or a couple of times she’s mentioned how she skipped a meal that day so she doesn’t feel guilty.
I feel conflicted because I don’t want to place all of the blame on her – I know I have some things I need to work on in my ED recovery. But also, because she never sought treatment for her ED and I feel as though she might be jealous, I feel like she’s putting me down/making remarks just so she can feel better about herself. And that’s not okay, either, right?
I know the easy solution would be to stop being friends with her, but we’ve been friends for over 10 years. Also, we have many mutual friends, including my 2 sisters. And sometimes we really do have a great time together – it’s just the comments she’ll throw in here or there that make me feel badly.So I guess my question is – do you or your readers have any insight/advice (other than ending the friendship) on how to deal with friends like this?”
I think this a problem that SO many women experience. Our relationships with other women are so complex whether it be relationships with female coworkers, classmates, sisters, mothers, or friends. Expectations are so high for women in today’s world. We are expected to have it all: a great job, a great relationship, a great body, great kids, a fancy car, while juggling all of it with a big smile on our face. I think this pressure can create a competitive atmosphere between women, especially women you have frequent contact with (friends, family members, coworkers).
My Jealousy Story
I used to be jealous of my happy friends who I thought had the perfect life. While I was never the type to externalize my feelings onto others, the jealousy ate me alive on the inside. No matter how thin I was, I was never good enough, and the grass was always greener on the other side. These feelings are bound to impact one’s relationships in one form or another, whether it is passive or overt.
My big turning point was realizing that jealousy was only setting me back in my progress to a better life. Sure there are things I cannot change about myself, but I realized I could be happy by being good to myself.
I often remind myself of this quote:
Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James
I was that girl who scanned for evidence to feed my jealousy. I truly don’t believe I could have gotten past it, had I not recovered from my eating disorder because then, and only then, did I believe that I had value. This doesn’t just apply to eating disorders, but it can apply to any struggle that we have in our lives. Only after I started seeing my value, did I realize that nothing about my friends or surroundings had changed. I didn’t suddenly have a stroke of good luck. The only thing that changed was my perspective. Everything else was the same, but everything was so different simply by changing how I viewed the world around me.
Because of my past, I can see where B gets her insecurities from, however that does not justify her actions. It is really difficult when you love a friend dearly, yet you feel like they bring negative influences into your life. Who wants to say to a friend, ‘I think you are jealous of me.’? Who wants to break-up with a long-time friend? I would probably ask my friend where the comments are coming from and if they wanted to talk about anything that is bothering them. Sometimes, if you probe a little, you find out that people just want to talk about something that is bothering them, but they can’t find a way to express it in a non-hurtful manner. Honesty is not always an easy thing for people, but I think if we all communicated a little bit more, many of our problems would go away.
If talking with your friend doesn’t help, there is really only so much you can do. Remember that good friends will be happy for you and your successes. Be wary of anyone who is trying to diminish your light. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, a person isn’t ready to change. How long you are willing to put up with B’s treatment is something only you can decide.
Today’s questions- Have you ever been in Amy’s shoes? Do you struggle with jealous friends or feeling jealous of other people? Have you ever had to ‘break-up’ with a friend?
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. ~Josh Billings
I have been their. I think just being confident in who you are and the choices you have made in your life including being healthy. The other person tries to put you down to cover up their own insecurities.
I feel bad, because I’ve (sort of) been in B’s situation. I used to always be jealous of my best friend; she was thinner, fitter, smarter, got better grades, quieter, more “mature”, everything I wanted to be. I was insanely jealous; she would always get the A* (an A+ in British school systems) and I would always get the A, just one step behind. I knew I was good, but I wasn’t as good as HER. I hated her for a very long while; we called her “Miss Perfect” to her back AND to her face, and shunned her when she got good results, instead of congratulating her. Notice I’m saying “we”; yes, I was so jealous that I spread it to all of the girls in our four-person group as well.
I know now that I was very insecure back then. I’d do things for attention, and whenever we got into an argument I’d always ask the same question: “Well, what am *I* good at? You’re better than me in EVERYTHING.” And then she’d list what she thought I was good at, like writing, or drawing, and I’d just pass those off as things that had no importance. In my eyes, she was good at everything useful, and the few things I was “good” at? They meant nothing. I couldn’t see my self-worth, at all.
It’s a lot easier being friends with her now that we’re in different schools; there are no more grades to compare and I don’t see her as often. But I still suffer from the same problem; I’m susceptible to being jealous and sometimes find myself purposefully sabotaging other people. I do try to act happy for other people’s successes, but sometimes… Jealousy gets the better of me, and I become very upset. I don’t act out jealousy anymore, but even just being jealous in my head and keeping it to myself… it hurts.
Oh, God. Writing this comment makes me want to cry. Sometimes I want to ask myself… Why do we hate ourselves so much? It’s not fair.
Amy, I wish you good luck with this situation… I hope you understand that it’s your friend who has insecurities, and you shouldn’t let that bother you. It’s her problem, one she has to face herself… so talk to her. She’ll deny it at first; who wants to admit to being jealous and making hurtful comments on purpose? Maybe she’s not doing it on purpose, but… talk to her, just the same. I wish my best friend had just talked to me instead of enduring being teased for being “Miss Perfect” all the time. And I wish that I could have listened.
Wei-Wei
This was a very interesting post. I wonder how much of this tendency is nature vs. nurture. How you can train yourself out of it.
I’ve always been competitive, but rarely jealous. I can look at my friend with a fabulous house and an enormous kitchen and say “I wish…ah well”. And I’m over it. I’ve always been that way. I work hard. I recognize that everyone is different.
I can train and run and run and I’m not ever going to run a half marathon in under a 9 min mile like my friends. I can study and study, and I’m a very good engineer, but I’m not going to ever be smarter than my boss.
My brother, on the other hand, has had serious issues with jealousy his whole life. I prefer action to reaction I guess.
Thank you for your honesty.
love your breakfast! looks like dessert :) oh i try to hang with only supportive friends now…..i am too old to deal with jeolous or intimidated friends!
I’ve had to end several friendships because ultimately the relationships were toxic for me. Yes, it absolutely hurt – I was VERY close to at least two of them – but in the long run I’m much better off, and considerably more at peace w/o them. Much as it stinks, oftentimes we’re better off ending these types of relationships than we would be if we tried to repair them.
Incidentally, the last time this happened I ended things pretty much because the other woman refused to allow herself to heal from some past issues. She had every resource at her disposal and was VERY aware of what was going on – but she also apparently really enjoyed being the victim. Her garbage was fueling mine, and amazingly enough as soon as I dumped her my life started to improve dramatically.
Wow. That is a really tough situation.. I do think if B had gotten past her ED, things might be a bit different for her. But it’s still no excuse for her to treat you the way she does.
yes I have! well…it was actually the cause of my weight gaining…I’ve always been a “natural” skinny girl for the greatest part of my life but since my “best” (don’t know if I can still call her like that after what she did) friend G began to do exactly what Amy was describing (such as doing stupid comments in front of other people about me and my way of living/eating, or literaly making me feel the worst person in the whole world)…this made me feel “guilty” (for what?) and alienated like a fish out of water…and now she is the thin one (she lost pounds while I was gaining!).
I began to set things right 6 months ago and I am trying to go back to the cheerful person I used to be…
I can definitely relate to Amy’s situation…I think it is quiet normal in “women’s world”…I broke up the relationship with my now-ex-best-friend and I am feeling so much better since I did…but, why doesn’t she try to talk with her BEFORE?
Amy should confront B and tell B to stop taking out her frustrations on Amy. B probably doesn’t realize how much her jealousy is affecting Amy and that should be brought out into the open.
It’s a lot like bullying, if you don’t stand up for yourself you’ll keep being victimized.
That’s a tough one, but I think an honest conversation might help. If B really values the friendship, then she should take it to heart if Amy were to say something like “Hey, when you say certain things, it hurts me. I would never say anything to intentionally hurt you, so I wanted to make you aware of the situation. We have different situations, and I don’t think we should compare ourselves to each other. I’d prefer it if we just supported and encouraged each other. I think that’s what I need from my friendships.” Who can argue with that logic, right?
I think that there is some resentment going on for both individuals. B is resentful of the author’s thinness. the author is resentful that B has fueled her eating disorder, held her back, and maybe even makes her feel as if she shouldn’t recover from her eating disorder. If the friendship is valued, I think the only way to overcome this is to break down this barrier of resentment. Someone will have to make the first move and bring it up (having been there, may I recommend wine? things go much more smoothly!) I have a feeling the author will be glad she at least tried to work this out. B doesn’t sound like a bad person, just struggling herself. I don’t think now’s a time to abandon a good friend. If nothing is resolved, then by all means, distance yourself from her, but it seems like resolution is not far off. I’m sure both parties are aware of the tension, someone just has to openly acknowledge it so you can move on.
In my life, I have found myself on both sides of the issue (and they both suck). I have found myself being jealous and comparing myself to others so often–“if only I had her body, I would be happy.” It took me so long to realize that what I was doing wasn´t just destructive, but that it had become some kind of defense mechanism. I didn´t want to let it all go and accept myself for who I was, because it felt like I was settling, because I was so unhappy with MYSELF. I realized that trying to concentrate on positive feelings about myself, made negative feelings towards others just fade away. It is horrible to feel like you need to continue being a friend to someone who brings you down, but maybe just try to see what you can do to build her up–maybe if she started liking herself more for who she was, she wouldn´t need to cut you down.
I love love love the presentation of breakfast! It looks like when you order a milkshake at a diner :)
I have got to purchase a food processor for some of these recipes! I see the recipe for the VOO, which I am addicted to, but not the Banana Soft Serve or did I miss something? :)
As for the jealousy thing, I have had experiences with a few friends in the past, but I pretty much just blow them off because I know who I am and I love myself too much to allow someone to belittle me. However, I do have a niece…I know, weird, she’s only 7 years younger than I and we used to be best buds when she was growing up. For some reason, she took a different direction in her life than I, she got married very early and had 4 children right away. I, on the other hand stayed single for a long while and have led an active and very fulfilling life. She is a lot like this friend of B’s. I love her dearly and have gone out of my way to continue our positive relationship, however, she’s done nothing but ridicule me in my efforts to be healthy, also has made fun of the way I wear my hair, the way I dress, etc. I’ve never confronted her about it, but I really need to because just recently she embarrassed me in front of several friends and it really got to me this time. Like I said earlier, I am truly comfortable with myself, but for some reason this is different…and I don’t know why.
So with the same advice that others have offered, I agree, talking to this person might shed some light on there maybe being some other underlying problem, maybe not specifically jealousy. I hope she approaches and B responds in a positive manner just like I hope my niece does when I finally confront her.
Thank you for such a wonderful post!
I *love* how you make breakfast look so special every morning. It *should* be special. Definitely the best meal of the day.
Oh wow this post is about something so close to me. I have a jealous friend and I’ve been (still am?) the jealous one. Although to be fair to me, I never ever made rude remarks and comments because I know this is my problem and my problem alone.
As far as the friend goes… there really is no way to solve this. I have learned to ignore it, although sometimes that doesn’t work. I really wish people thought more before speaking because while their relationship with food might be different than mine (and in my case my friend’s relationship with food is unhealthy although she won’t admit it) they really should respect it.
I’ve almost lost it a couple of times though, so I can totally sympathize with Amy and her problems (no solution though)
Angela, you give such good advice!
Both my sister and I have struggled with eating disorders in the past. She was way deeper into it than I was, and though she’s been at a healthy weight for more than 5 years now, she still focuses on food and likes to criticize what I eat. I obviously can’t ‘divorce’ my sister, so whenever she comments on what I’m eating or not eating, I just smile at her and remind myself that what I eat is my business, and what she eats is her business. When I flash a huge smile and keep doing what I was doing before she made the comment, she gets really frustrated. It might sound kind of mean, but it feels really good to be able to turn that negative energy back on her and know that she’s only making herself feel bad.
I have to say, I agree with you Angela on what to do. If Amy can talk to her friend that’s the best thing to do. I wouldn’t accuse B of jealousy but just bring to the forefront that her words hurt and if there’s something Amy can do to help her. If it doesn’t work or talking to her just isn’t going to happen then, I agree, there’s not much else you can do.
I have definitely broken up a friendship. This person wasn’t jealous of me but his negativity was sooo toxic and I was at a point in my life where I was trying to get out of my own negative mindset and so felt the only thing I could do was remove myself from the situation. He wasn’t too keen on it but I had to do it and I am MUCH better off. The people in my life are some of the most positive people you’ll ever meet and that’s totally rubbed off on me!
This is a huge issue that is so prevalent in relationships — and it’s so easy to get caught on either end. I’ve read through the comments and there are a lot of really great ones already! So I will just echo others and say that I think Amy should really sit down and talk with B. It might be hard for Amy to admit to B’s face that her comments are hurtful and tear her down. But unless the issue is brought out in the open, I don’t think the jealousy/resentment will ever go away, and the friendship will only continue to become more and more toxic.
If they do talk, and nothing changes, then I think Amy will have no choice but to put some distance between herself and B. She can’t keep holding on to a toxic relationship, even despite their past history. And especially because she’s struggling with her own ED. She needs to surround herself with people who will help her recovery, not fuel the problem.
Best of luck dealing with this situation ‘Amy’!! I really hope everything works out and you are able to salvage your relationship with your friend!
What a hard situation Amy has with her friend. I agree that the best thing to do is talk to B and let her know that the comments are having a really negative effect, the worst thing about jealousy – having it and being the object of it – is that like an ED it is secretive. You have to bring that monster out in the open. The other thing I would suggest, because it works for me, is when someone calls you out in public about “not indulging,” tell everyone why you are doing what you are doing. Let them know that the decision not to eat sugary or processed or junk foods comes from a place of happiness. Let them know that eating well makes you feel great and you look forward to having a green monster in the morning, a fresh salad for lunch, and healthy snacks throughout the day. Honestly, if someone brings it up I am only TOO happy to go on and on and on and on… you get the idea. My friends just roll their eyes now, but they are smiling, because they support me, which is what friends do. If a friendship is affecting your health, you need to be honest with the other person, try to fix it, set clear boundaries about what is not acceptable, but in the end – move on if you have to. You can maintain the same kindness but none of the bad feelings.
I can’t wait to have my oats tomorrow morning!!!
I had a coworker that would do that to me… and we weren’t friends. We barely knew each other, actually. But we both attended meetings on Thursday mornings and she would seriously sit there and eat five cheerios for breakfast, and brag about how she ran 12 miles that morning, and ran 12-15 miles every morning (getting up at 4am) and then when I’d eat something, she’d make nasty comments about it. One time, our company ordered pizzas for us. I had two slices on my plate. When I walked past her, she said (really loudly), “oh TWO pieces of pizza?? Feeling ambitious today, huh?” and laughed. I was like… what?!!? I was naturally skinny back then, because I was 24 years old and had a very high metabolism. Times have changed since I’ve aged, but I always felt that she was projecting her issues onto me, and I never understood why.