Good morning!
Wednesday already. :)
I have been baking since 5:45am this morning, as I have a bunch of orders to get out before noon today. I started my morning off with some strong Japanese Sencha tea and then later on in the morning I had this juice composed of 1/2 cuke, 1 apple, 1 piece ginger, 1/4 lemon.
Breakfast this morning was Banana Soft Serve vegan Overnight Oats (recipe found here). I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love this breakfast!!
So I won’t. I’ll just show you the goods!
Omg.
I seriously could not handle how good this was this morning. 
I sprinkled the top with a few cacao nibs too.
As you can see below, today is NOT a Wordless Wednesday! :mrgreen: more like, Verbal Diarrhea Wednesday…but hey it all balances out, right? ;)
What To Do About A Jealous Friend
I received this email from a blog reader named ‘Amy’. Amy would like your opinion on the situation below. I too thought it would be a great topic for discussion!
“Hi Angela!
I have been struggling with something for awhile now and didn’t know if you had any advice/done a post about this, or might be willing to. I have a friend who is competitive with me when it comes to pretty much anything: exercise, diet, money, new gadgets/toys, etc. I don’t want to sound like I have a big ego, but honestly, I get the feeling that she is jealous of me and that is why she brags or makes comments that make me feel badly about myself.
To give you a little background, this friend (I will call her B) actually used to have an eating disorder. She was very thin when we were in college together, and never sought help for her ED. Flash forward 9 years later, and now B has 2 small children and is struggling to lose about 10-15 pounds from her pregnancies. My weight has fluctuated a little bit in the last 10 years, but currently I’m at the lower end of a healthy weight for my height. But I really feel like, because B never dealt with the issue of her ED, she has a way to bring out the ED tendencies in me – does that make sense?
Back in college I got a little more attention from guys than B. I guess that’s why I think B might be jealous, though I promise I have never brought that stuff up or "flaunted it" around her!
B also teases me in front of other people for eating healthy. For example, our friends get together a couple times a month and they usually bring a lot of sweets. If I bring something healthy or pass on the sweets, B will remark in front of everyone how she could never "deprive" herself of things like that. She’s said things like, "Well, I worked out for 2 hours today so I can have those things," or a couple of times she’s mentioned how she skipped a meal that day so she doesn’t feel guilty.
I feel conflicted because I don’t want to place all of the blame on her – I know I have some things I need to work on in my ED recovery. But also, because she never sought treatment for her ED and I feel as though she might be jealous, I feel like she’s putting me down/making remarks just so she can feel better about herself. And that’s not okay, either, right?
I know the easy solution would be to stop being friends with her, but we’ve been friends for over 10 years. Also, we have many mutual friends, including my 2 sisters. And sometimes we really do have a great time together – it’s just the comments she’ll throw in here or there that make me feel badly.So I guess my question is – do you or your readers have any insight/advice (other than ending the friendship) on how to deal with friends like this?”
I think this a problem that SO many women experience. Our relationships with other women are so complex whether it be relationships with female coworkers, classmates, sisters, mothers, or friends. Expectations are so high for women in today’s world. We are expected to have it all: a great job, a great relationship, a great body, great kids, a fancy car, while juggling all of it with a big smile on our face. I think this pressure can create a competitive atmosphere between women, especially women you have frequent contact with (friends, family members, coworkers).
My Jealousy Story
I used to be jealous of my happy friends who I thought had the perfect life. While I was never the type to externalize my feelings onto others, the jealousy ate me alive on the inside. No matter how thin I was, I was never good enough, and the grass was always greener on the other side. These feelings are bound to impact one’s relationships in one form or another, whether it is passive or overt.
My big turning point was realizing that jealousy was only setting me back in my progress to a better life. Sure there are things I cannot change about myself, but I realized I could be happy by being good to myself.
I often remind myself of this quote:
Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James
I was that girl who scanned for evidence to feed my jealousy. I truly don’t believe I could have gotten past it, had I not recovered from my eating disorder because then, and only then, did I believe that I had value. This doesn’t just apply to eating disorders, but it can apply to any struggle that we have in our lives. Only after I started seeing my value, did I realize that nothing about my friends or surroundings had changed. I didn’t suddenly have a stroke of good luck. The only thing that changed was my perspective. Everything else was the same, but everything was so different simply by changing how I viewed the world around me.
Because of my past, I can see where B gets her insecurities from, however that does not justify her actions. It is really difficult when you love a friend dearly, yet you feel like they bring negative influences into your life. Who wants to say to a friend, ‘I think you are jealous of me.’? Who wants to break-up with a long-time friend? I would probably ask my friend where the comments are coming from and if they wanted to talk about anything that is bothering them. Sometimes, if you probe a little, you find out that people just want to talk about something that is bothering them, but they can’t find a way to express it in a non-hurtful manner. Honesty is not always an easy thing for people, but I think if we all communicated a little bit more, many of our problems would go away.
If talking with your friend doesn’t help, there is really only so much you can do. Remember that good friends will be happy for you and your successes. Be wary of anyone who is trying to diminish your light. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, a person isn’t ready to change. How long you are willing to put up with B’s treatment is something only you can decide.
Today’s questions- Have you ever been in Amy’s shoes? Do you struggle with jealous friends or feeling jealous of other people? Have you ever had to ‘break-up’ with a friend?
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. ~Josh Billings
I am going to have those oats tomorrow.
I have been consumed with jealousy for longer than I can remember. My jealousy centres on family relationships (sisters) Angela your quote really struck home with me and I hope to elimate jealousy completely from my life.
Thanks to everyone for sharing and for being so honest.
Jane
Amy, you already know the answer to your dilemma, you just don’t want to face it. “Friends” like this are not worth the effort and you don’t need them in your life. Lose her.
I love overnight oats but still need to try them with the banana. By the way they totally stay in the fridge just fine for a few days so you can make 2-3 batches at once while you already have all the ingredients out and just store them in covered containers.
You are so right that these comments stem from her own insecurities. I find that coming back with a compliment can be helpful in two ways–it helps your friend feel more secure and it also sets an example of the way to treat people.
If she says “I worked out for two hours so I could eat this,” come back with “I can tell, you look really great.” Or even offer a compliment before she has a chance to make a jab at you. I haven’t struggled with an eating disorder, but I would suggest not only complimenting her looks, but other things, too, so she doesn’t equate her value with her appearance.
If that doesn’t work, then a direct conversation may be needed. Or simply saying “Ouch, that hurts when you say things like that, especially considering that you know my history of struggling with eating disorders. I’d appreciate it if you were a little more sensitive with me when it comes to food. I’m working really hard to have a healthy relationship with food and your comments can really set me back. Could we agree to be more encouraging to each other?”
Best of luck “Amy.”
I like the idea of offering her a compliment in response to her negative remarks. It could either cause “B” to re-evaluate what she is saying, or fuel her further…but it’s an interesting idea!
Hey Angela!
I’ve been wanting to leave a comment for awhile, so I am going to leave it here, though it is completely unrelated to the topic at hand! Hope you don’t mind!
I love your website and read it everyday (its the only subscription on my google reader that doesn’t have a backup of new posts to read!) You have really helped me get into my running and strength training!
I wanted to tell you about a book called “Born to Run” by Christopher McDouggal. The book is about many things, including the Tarahumara tribe in Mexico who run up to 60 miles at a time, basically barefoot, through canyons and mountains. The book also talks about UltraMarathoners, who are marathoners who run 60-100 mile RACES through high altitudes or Death Valley (the hottest place ever!).
I think you’d really enjoy the read! Its an amazing novel and its major point is that we, as humans, ARE born to RUN! Not just walk. :) It talks a lot about how new shoe technology has played a role in comforting our pain, but not our feet.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy it! And please continue writing!! :)
as i get older, i have find it very hard to have “difficult” friends. i have chosen not to be friends with several people over the last few years, we send emails and see each other very now and then but we are not as close as we once were. i do not have time nor the energy to deal with some of the issues they were having or put themselves in.
I’ll just say this, the only thing you have control over in this world is yourself and your attitude.
Changing your perspective just a little bit can make a WORLD of difference, just like you said.
Find the greatness in YOU and quit wasting time thinking the grass is greaner on the other side. It may be, but your flowers are prettier and your dog is cuter.
So there!
If was was Amy, I would have a face-to-face conversation with her and bring it all out in the open. If she is not the kind to listen, or blows up in arguments, then she could try writing a letter. If she fails to see her impact on you, then she is not worth having as a friend. It is sad to say, but you cannot be around someone who is so destructive to your sense of self. Especially since you are moving forward, and getting past your ED. I know how easy it is for comments to trigger you once again into the downward spiral- you have to be strong and stay on your healthy path. If you’re brave, you could even try to respond back to the comments she makes at a party for example. I’m not saying make a big scene or anything, but just say something understated to let her know that what she said was not ok. It’s a tough situation, but no one is worth sacrificing yourself and your health- mentally and physically. Good luck with everything!!
I’ve never experienced a jealous friend. I simply couldn’t tolerate being around someone who acted like the friend written about above! I have had to break up with friends for other reasons though. It is not easy! These particular friends had been in my life since I was a child. We have so many memories together, and every so often, I will hear a song or be in a location that give me a ping of remembrance. It is very sad. But in the end, it’s not worth it to put up with friends who do not treat you right! I just try to remind myself that our relationship has evolved and if we were to remain friends, there is nothing positive to be gained from it. Nonetheless, it’s important to remember them as a part of my past and appreciate the fun times we did have.
those oats look amazing…and love that glass too!
As for jealous friends, I haven’t had any lately but I did have them when I was younger and it was hard because I’m not one to say something to that person. Yet, I believe that simoply sitting down and having a heart to heart would help to get all the issues on the table. If the friend still doesn’t want to let go of her jealousy then its time to rethink the friendship (in my opinion)
Oh, this is a tough one. I’m going through the same thing with a friend. She’s had the same job, a great job, for several years, and has just been accepted to grad school. She’s independent and I’m so proud of her.
But… she’s in her thirties and has never had a relationship. She also had to struggle in school just to make a passing grade. She has a severe learning disability and has spent her life feeling stupid. She tends to take these things out on myself and our mutual friend. Twice, she’s humiliated this friend in public, in front of said friend’s husband, about being a “slut” in school. She’s always making comments about how I’m scatterbrained and forgetful and stupid, even though I got excellent grades/awards throughout school. It hurts.
I don’t know what advice to give because I’m not sure how to handle my own situation. I think talking to jealous friends is a good idea, for those of us who can muster up the courage. Another thought I had is that maybe our friends can learn from our example. I intend to contact my own jealous friend and congratulate her and tell her how proud I am of her. Maybe she’ll learn from my example that this is how friends behave. They’re happy for each other, even if they find certain areas of their own lives lacking (I’d love to go to grad school and have an awesome job, and I can’t see that happening — but I’m still happy for her!).
Good luck, Amy!
I really know where “Amy” is coming from…I had a similar experience with my mother, of all people. She did not enter my life until I was a pre-teen (for various reasons) and when she did, it was as though she was always competing with me – sometimes even for guys (in my teen years)! She would make remarks about my body and I felt she was jealous of my youth. I found it extremely disturbing. There were MANY other issues, but this was one aspect of it.
It was very, very difficult for me to confront her and it actually took me about 10 years to muster up the courage. I eventually told her how I felt about her behaviour and actions toward me, and the situation did not improve, so I ceased all contact with her.
I know that “Amy” doesn’t want to end the friendship, and I understand that, but at what point are you just holding onto a friendship that isn’t beneficial for either party?
I would really try approaching “B” and express your concerns. I wouldn’t say “you are jealous of me” or anything accusatory, but talk about the tangible behaviors i.e. her comments and rude remarks. Ask her if YOU have done something to hurt her and if that is why she makes those comments? I find by casting the emphasis unto yourself as opposed to her, she will feel less threatened. Talk about how the remarks make YOU feel poorly about yourself.
I would give it a few months to see if the relationship improves. If not, just slowly distance yourself. You do not necessarily need to “break-up” in the sense that you explicitly tell her that “we are no longer friends,” but make a point to hang out with her only in situations where other people are there, or not at all.
You only have ONE LIFE….why spend it with people who make you feel you’re not worthy?
I lost a few friends when I lost my weight. Sometimes you just have to move on. If they are REALLY friends, they will be supportive and understanding–without conditions. Don’t absorb their anger or jealousy and make it your own.
I don’t really have advice, but I can totally relate to this statement about how the friend will say, “Well, I worked out for 2 hours today so I can have those things, or a couple of times she’s mentioned how she skipped a meal that day so she doesn’t feel guilty.” I hear that ALL THE TIME from friends, people at work, my boyfriend’s mom, etc. “Well, I can have this cookie, all I’ve had to eat today is yogurt and an apple.” And that drives me BATTY…partly, I’ll be honest, because I don’t deprive myself like that, so I wonder if there’s something wrong with me eating the treat even though I did have breakfast and lunch, or whatever. I just feel like so many women feel the need to act superior to other women all the time, and I don’t get it!
I’m mad because I absolutely cannot get the banana soft serve to work! (Mad at myself that is) It keeps coming out brown and icky tasting. I’m freezing fresh bananas, but they turn brown in the freezer somehow before they get all the way frozen? Advice??
hmm strange! I have never encountered this before. Are you putting them in a ziplock bag or sealed contained?
Some people think it’s strange that I think of friendships as relationships. Just like in romantic relationships, it’s possible to grow apart and to break up. I have definitely broken up with certain friends, and while it was very painful, I can’t say that I’ve ever regretted my decision.
ugh. our “women culture” breeds just as much negativity as it does positivity. “amy” — honesty is truly the BEST policy. next time she throws a demeaning comment in your direction, wait for a moment where you can pull her aside and ask her about it. tell her it hurt your feelings. ask her WHY she said it and WHY she says things like that period. ask her why she cannot just RESPECT the fact that you pass on sweets and tend to eat healthier than most. “b” CANNOT READ YOUR MIND. she has NO idea you’re thinking all these things! let her know and see if her behavior changes. if it does, then i’m sorry to say the next best step to securing your personal happiness would be to end the friendship, or at least distance yourself substantially. negativity breeds negativity and i KNOW you don’t want that. so try playing the honesty card and see where it gets you. hope that helped some!
great post, angela. i struggle with being the “jealous girl.” i never say anything out loud but internalizing it literally tears me apart. it’s a daily struggle but i’m really trying to practice some good old fashioned self-love. you make it seem SO easy though! (and trust me, i know it’s not). i just feel silly whenever i tell myself “you are BEAUTIFUL. you are STRONG! you are *insert positive remark here*. the little voice in the back of my head never seems to go away, even when i’m trying so hard to squash it down.
I think you can tell yourself all the compliments in the world, but unless you get at the root of the issue (why you don’t value yourself) those words wont mean a thing.
Mmm that breakfast looks amazing :)
I can totally relate to how Amy is feeling about her friend. I had a friend and workout buddy who would ask me, “oh, what are you eating for dinner today” after we worked out in the evenings. I would usually tell her something like a salad with garbanzo beans and nuts, and an apple for dessert. I have always been a pretty healthy eater, and she knew that. Then she would respond, “oh that’s not enough! You don’t eat enough, you need to eat more!” Then when I’d ask her what she was having for dinner, she would say, “I don’t usually eat dinner. I’m not hungry after I work out.” She would try to make me feel bad in TWO ways- 1) that I “didn’t eat enough” and 2) that I ate TOO MUCH, because she didn’t eat after working out!
She was a very negative person in general, always putting others down, commenting on how “fat” or “lazy” our friends and acquaintances were. It was a toxic friendship and for some reason I let her make me feel horrible about myself! Eventually I got sick of it and just had to stop spending time with her, and stop answering her calls.
I know that Amy can’t do that with her friend- since they’ve been friends for so long- so she may need to talk to her. I wish I had talked to my friend about the way she made me feel because it is pretty awkward when we run into each other now!
Girls definetly do that to each other (bring out ED) Heck, my mom does it sometimes, too! Jealousy is a terrible thing, especially its combo with lack of self worth
I don’t have any advice, but I can really relate to the words from Jennifer James.