Baby Talk 101

110 comments

supermom

I know it is not Mother’s Day but I loved this cartoon too much. [Source]

In the words of Stephanie Tanner, WHOA BABY!

You guys set a new record for the most commented Hot Topic post ever on OSG. I think that was the most fun I have ever had reading comments. Between you and I, I caught ERIC reading through the comments last night!! :mrgreen:

I was also thrilled to see a few men comment, including my Brother in Law (‘glowingBIL’).

As many of you noticed I did not offer my own opinion on the question in yesterday’s post! That was on purpose, of course!

Sometimes I find that it is difficult to deal with sensitive issues on the blog without coming across the wrong way. As many of you noted, the question is a very personal and sensitive topic and I did not want to diminish anyone’s situation in any way. I respect where all of you are right now and I respect all of your opinions on the matter. Whether you have them at 22, 38, adopt, or decide that you won’t have them…only YOU can know what is best for you!

Women have a huge amount of pressure in this area and many women feel pressured to either have kids or feel badly about themselves when they decide that kids are not for them. It can be a very judgmental topic, so you can imagine my absolute delight when I read through the comments and realized that everyone was so polite, understanding, and supportive of one another.

You all are a classy bunch. But I knew that already.

MY STORY:

I used to say that I didn’t want children when I was a teenager. I was always met with the ‘oh you will someday’ responses and I started to feel like maybe something was wrong with me because I didn’t want kids. To be completely honest with you, I have always been a bit scared of children! I always felt like I was going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing when they were around. I know that my fear about children swayed my opinion of whether I wanted children myself.

When I entered my twenties my opinion slowly started to change. I started to toy around with the idea. Eric and I have been together since I was 17 (him 18) and I started to think about it, even though I knew I was years from being ready.

Everything changed for me when I saw my sisters have children.

I could relate so much to what Lindsay said in the comments, ‘At first I didn’t want kids. Then my sister had a baby and something inside happened! 2 months later I conceived my son.’

When I met my nephews and nieces, I knew right away that I wanted to experience that same kind of love one day. The love I feel for them is so strong and seeing my sisters raise beautiful children who love them and adore them so much, is quite a sight to witness.

I think about Sketchie and how much I love him and then I try and fathom what the love for my own child would feel like…and I just can’t comprehend it. I think that it would be a feeling like no other.

Eric and I do not have a particular age in mind when we want to have our first child, but we do want kids. I knew when I didn’t want them- while in university and during my Master’s career. However had it happened, we would have gotten by regardless. We are really happy right now and we take each day as it comes. We also have plans to do some traveling before we batten down the hatches. ;) I’m 26 and most days I still feel so young.

Given the diversity of your comments, there is obviously no right answer or wrong answer. I think it is important that we are supportive of other women, regardless what their choice may be. I can only imagine how annoying it is for women who chose not to have children and are faced with negative comments their whole lives. No one should have to be judged like that.

I think it is a given that women face a lot of pressure and this topic is an area where women face lots of it.  So in that respect…

Do you feel pressured to have kids or did you…and by whom? Do you feel pressure to have them by a certain age, or a certain number of kids? Are you judged because you don’t want kids?

For the moms out there, do you feel pressure to be that ‘Super Mom’?

PS- I have already changed my Spring Training Plan around! I am super busy in the bakery this week and also sore from yesterday’s Booty Camp so I will be skipping my run today. No biggie though! I will re-work this week a bit and update the schedule as needed.

PSS- See you tomorrow for the lunch that changed my life!!

Angela_Signature

Let's get social! Follow Angela on Instagram (@ohsheglows + @theglowspot), Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Snapchat, and Google+

Previous Posts

{ 110 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Bella February 3, 2010

Yes, huge pressure to have children! I am 36. My brother has 2 children. My husband and I have been together 15 years. Tried IVF – which failed and made me feel like crap. I am at a stage in my life where I will feel a failure (down the track) if I don’t have a child soon. Tick Tock!!

Reply

2 Shelly February 3, 2010

Wow. I don’t think you should feel like a failure. There are so many more facets to a woman than just her fertility! You should be proud of all you have accomplished (being married 15 years is a long time, for example) instead of focusing on something that hasn’t happened yet and that isn’t your fault. Good luck!

Reply

3 Jacquie February 3, 2010

I agree with Shelly! You’re not a failure- it just happens because our bodies are all different. However like she said too, you have no much to be proud of. I would love to know that one day I’ll love someone like you love your husband :)

Reply

4 megan February 3, 2010

great post Angela! I agree that no one should feel pressure. I definitely want to have kids (sooner rather than later haha), but I also feel a crazy amount of pressure from some in-laws to start now! i think that’s pretty normal in most families though.

the thing that bothers me though, is sometimes people are trying to have kids and are worried that they can’t. that’s not the case with us at this point, but if it were, it would make people putting pressure on us even worse. I’ve learned to kind of steer clear from asking people when they’re planning on having kids…i might be making a sensitive situation worse.

Reply

5 Sarah @ The Foodie Diaries February 3, 2010

i, like you, have always pulled the “i dont want kids” card. though i never said it with conviction. i am years-probably close to a decade!-away from being ready for children, but i, like you, seeing family with kids has definitely changed my mind. that said, i feel like there is a bit of pressure to have kids earlier, mostly from friends. i’m only 22 so i’ve not experienced this yet. but i see the competitiveness that some of my older girlfriends deal with within their social circle, and i know it’s coming my way eventually

Reply

6 Jessica @ How Sweet It Is February 3, 2010

I loved the entire discussion. I didn’t think I wanted kids either – then my best friend had one. Now, I am convinced my kids will never be as cute as hers cause I love that baby so much. I guess things change. :)

Reply

7 Kate February 3, 2010

Awesome question! I think more than anything I put pressure on myself! My brother just got married (he’s younger), most of my friends have buns in the oven or already have their little boogers, so I sometimes feel like I need to get this show on the road!!!

My parents and friends don’t pressure me at all… but I have to remind myself that these things happen for everyone at different times in their lives. :)

Awesome point, Megan!! I am going to remind myself of this before I ask my friends if they are going to have kids. Thank you! :)

Reply

8 Lauren @ Eater not a runner February 3, 2010

I don’t feel any pressure. My mom always thought she didn’t want to have kids, and then ended up having me at 39! So at 25 I feel like I have all the time in the world, and I’m not sure I even want them yet….

Reply

9 Ameena February 3, 2010

I didn’t think I wanted kids but now that I have one I am so happy I changed my mind. But that being said I would never want to have anymore and people just don’t understand that! The questions about #2 just drive me nuts!!!

Take your time and enjoy!

Reply

10 Suzanne February 4, 2010

Ameena, I have one daughter and that is absolutely enough for me.

I had pressure from family to have my first and now I have pressure to have another! I’ve had friends and family say that it’s cruel to have just one! That drives me mad!

Reply

11 rachael February 4, 2010

Whenever someone asks me when we are having #2 I tell them as soon as my husband conceives:)

Reply

12 Suzanne February 5, 2010

Love it Rachael! I’m going to start saying that from now on! Thanks

Reply

13 Leah @ L4L February 3, 2010

I do not want children and feel an immense pressure from everyone around me to have kids. They all say I’ll change my mind but I truely don’t think I will. And part of me doesn’t want to just to spite them! I think that the reason I don’t want to have children is maybe because my parents weren’t the best examples and I hold myself to such high standards, I think I would make myself miserable trying to be the perfect mom raising the perfect kid. So instead of half-assing it, I’ll just avoid it all together.

Reply

14 Shelly February 3, 2010

I definitely felt like I didn’t want kids when I was younger. It wasn’t until after my divorce that having kids became something I *really* wanted to do. My ex definitely wanted kids and we had been talking about if we had a kid what the name would be and I had an awesome boy’s name, even if I still felt kind of ambivalent about actually having children. Coleman James, Cole for short. So I guess I was at least visualizing the idea of having a child and what we would call him and what he would be like. My breakup was a very sudden, heartbreaking thing for me and one of the strongest and most upsetting parts of it was mourning for this child, Cole, that I would never have. And mourning for the idea that I might never have children. I remember feeling like I’d been castrated, if that makes sense. It was horrible, but it did put into perspective that I really did want to have children someday.
So I don’t know if it’s a reaction to being so attached to the idea of a boy child before or of just a greater disliking of the male species thanks to my divorce (which was really traumatic), but now I want girls. Actually I would be happy to have one girl, but my fiance wants 2 or 3 children regardless of gender (I hope they’re all girls), and I’m okay with that. But if it was up to me, one girl. :)
I’d say the only person who is pressuring me to have kids is my Dad. His younger sister is going to be a grandmother and he is completely jealous. Also, the man really loves babies. But it’s hard to deal with b/c he’s not very understanding of the fact that I need to live my life on my own time line instead of his.

Reply

15 Sarah February 3, 2010

I always felt very similar to you, Angela. I’ve never been the “kid” person, I’m much more comfortable with dogs. I’ve never known exactly how to speak or act with babies and children, it makes me feel all uncomfortable! In fact, all the way up into I met HTB I said, Nope no kids for me, just lots of dogs. That changed a year into our relationship. I started wondering what it would be like to have a family with him. Now that we’re almost married, I’ve been BITTEN by the baby bug. Well, not that intense, but I’m excited for it. In my situation though, we do have time constraints. My man is older than me, by almost 20 years, so while I have plenty of time to get the oven crankin’, he doesn’t. He also has a daughter from his previous marriage, although that doesn’t change his desire to have kids of our own. Like you said, the situation is different for everyone.In an ideal world, I’d probably wait at least 4-5 years to begin a family, in reality, it’s probably going to be closer to 2. Either way, the important thing is communication and being able to be comfortable with what YOU need and want.

Reply

16 Natasha February 4, 2010

I’m in the same boat! We’ve got an 18 year age gap and our wedding is coming up soon too :) The time constraint definitely adds another layer of complexity to the decision (it’s all good though!). I agree that communication and openness is really important.

Reply

17 Jil February 3, 2010

I love kids…but I would not want any of my own – right now, at least. I don’t feel big pressure right now, as I’m only 24…I don’t know if I would ever be pressured. It hasn’t really been a topic of conversation with my family or friends.

Reply

18 JESSICA February 3, 2010

I feel pressure to have MORE kids. Right now I have one daughter who is 4 and last year I gave birth to my daughter who was stillborn. We are thinking about NOT getting pregnant again and I don’t think anybody really understands why we are choosing to make my 4 year old an only(living) child. I think I am also pressuring myself because I wonder if my 4 year old will hold a grudge on me for not giving her any siblings.

But anyway everybody just has to do whats right for them :)

Reply

19 Carbzilla February 3, 2010

My heart goes out to you, Jessica. I’ve never once heard my only-child friends complain that they wished they’d had a sibling – more the case of siblings not liking each other but being stuck being related.

Reply

20 Michelle @ Eatingjourney February 3, 2010

hugs. I think that whatever you choose to do, the most important thing is that you do it for you, your husband, your marriage and your daughter.

m

Reply

21 Lizzie February 3, 2010

Having just one child is also something I am concerned about. We know a couple of (adult) only children and for the most part they are very outgoing well adjusted people (both married, both successful in their careers). There are times when I can see the only child come through in them, but I think that has more to do with unique life experiences and how you were raised than the fact that someone is an only child.
Whatever you decide, it’s not for others to openly judge, but to love and support your family – because they’re not you!

Reply

22 Eve February 4, 2010

I can vouch for at least one single child – my boyfriend liked (likes?) being a single child so much that he only wants one kid! We always joke that I make a much better ‘single child’ than he does (I have a brother) – it’s definitely not something I think, down the road, people resent their parents for, one way or the other! :)

Reply

23 Krista February 4, 2010

Jessica: My first baby was stillborn. I know where you’re coming from. I did have 2 healthy babies after, but each pregnancy was stressful to say the least. My advice would be for you and your husband to stay true to yourselves. You 2 know the pain of your loss and whether or not that is something you want to risk again. (((HUGS)))

Reply

24 JESSICA February 4, 2010

Thank you all so much for your sweet and supportive comments. They all mean so much to me :)

Reply

25 Mellissa February 3, 2010

Such a great topic- I used to feel pressure and have let that go. I am on the unsure bandwagon and am happy to say that, but… people do judge. They always ask why. Even though it is none of their business.

One of my big pet peeves is when you get married people ask you when you are going to have kids. In my opinion that is the rudest thing to ask someone!

I also think women judge other women- it stars with who you are dating, then goes to how big your engagement ring is and then the wedding planning, and then a year later it goes to baby planning and who can one-up. If you ever want a hilarious way to waste a few hours head over to the message boards of The Nest.

Reply

26 kate February 3, 2010

i love that you caught the hus looking through the comments – so funny!
i also loved all of the thoughtful comments, its such a supportive blogging community, isnt it?
its amazing at how many women truly feel pressure to get married & have kids. i am 21 and i am already getting the run around from people in my life!

Reply

27 Carbzilla February 3, 2010

I feel very lucky because I never felt pressured but then again I didn’t get married until I was 37. I was clearly always going through my own stuff and who was gonna ask a single girl “So when are you gonna settle down and have kids?” I only got asked by really clueless people who wanted to foist their own values onto others and I just ignored them. My mom was like “DON’T have them” after my nephew came along. Nice. I think the pressure is bs but it’s every woman’s right to say “That topic is really none of your business.”

Reply

28 Michelle @ Eatingjourney February 3, 2010

I think it is such an important thing for both MEN and WOMEN to have a grasp of.

1. I have seen a marriage whereby the woman DIDN’T want kids and the man did. It was the beginning and I can attest to the fact that she would have been under the pump to have kids for whole entire marriage.

2. I know a couple who have decided from the beginning that they don’t want kids. I always joke with her that she should have them, cause they’d have cute little babies. However, deep down I respect the fact that they don’t want they. There was a week, about two months ago, when she goes ‘Michelle, I think we’re ready’. But then they re-considered as a couple.

3. I know people who want to have kids so desperatly that sex becomes a mere act of getting pregnant. If you strip it down (no pun intended) that’s what it’s meant for. But I feel like it would just take away the beauty of what that can be by objectifing it into something that is a means to and end.

4. I know people who just ‘go with it’.

Life is a journey. You don’t ever know what you’re really ‘ready’ for something. I don’t think that you can be too settled, too travelled, too cashed up, too secure in a relationship to say that you’re ready.

All you can do in life is just let whatever happens, happen within reason when you are ready for life to throw that card at you.

I was actually talking to my friend last night about this. I go ‘how cool is it to be having sex with your new husband knowing that you could conceive!’ She responded ‘it’s awesome. I don’t have to worry about anything anymore. i spent my whole 20’s worrying and now I can just truthfully enjoy being with him’

Happy baby making…when/IF you’re ready
M

Reply

29 Heather (Heather's Dish) February 3, 2010

great topic angela! i agree…only YOU know what’s right for you. it would be silly to not want kids and then to do it to please other people…how would that kid feel if it ever found out? I don’t feel pressure to have kiddos, but that’s because we don’t live by my MIL anymore (love her, don’t want kiddos yet). i’m excited about the day that I DO have them though!

Reply

30 Sue February 3, 2010

I never had any pressure to have kids. My husband and I didn’t get together until we were 30, married when I was 33. At that point I put a little bit of pressure on myself. I knew that there was a chance it could take years, so we started right after we were married. I had my first son when I was 34 and my second just before I turned 37. Although I don’t feel old really, there are moment when I think…wow this might be easier if I was 10 years younger, but on the flip side of that I was not ready at that age.

I think it is a personal decision and I totally admire both. The young moms that seem to have it all together at such a young age, and us older moms that are doing it even though we are much more tired (some of us at least!).

As for the supermom…I put that pressure on myself ALL the time. I feel guilty because I work fulltime and my kids are in a day home. I feel guilty that I miss some school activities. But, I also enjoy working and not sure I really want to give it up. I am working towards eventually working part-time so I can take the kids to and from school. I think that will be a nice compromise.

thanks for starting such a great topic!

Reply

31 LindsayRuns February 3, 2010

My father in law drops the hint more than I am comfortable with… he wants grandkids so bad, I understand, but I feel like when we finally do we will be perceived as “giving in” to his pressure, not deciding for ourselves.

Reply

32 Lisa (bakebikeblog) February 3, 2010

I feel pressured by my family – but also by myself. I am approaching 30, and my hubby just turned 40, and we are at a place in our life where we would certainly welcome an addition to our family. In saying that, we have not been blessed with such an addition … yet… but as my husband says “practice makes perfect” ;)

Reply

33 Crystal February 3, 2010

I have to say, it is society’s pressure that is the worst for women who don’t want to have kids. I rarely get pressured by my understanding friends & family, but I feel like the culture here in the south (US) doesn’t know what to make of a married couple who never want children. Every time anyone asks if we want children and I reply that we don’t, I feel like I have to apologize, as if by choosing life our way, we are making judgement on life their way. It’s silly, really, because obviously SOMEONE has to have kids, so what’s the big deal if we don’t? Mainly, I feel that people feel sorry for us, that they think we will regret it when it’s too late. I don’t think my husband feels any of this kind of pressure. I think society so strongly identifies women as mothers, that those of us who are older and aren’t mothers don’t quite have a niche.

Reply

34 AGS February 3, 2010

Agree — why is it the woman that gets asked about kids so much more than the man? My husband has pointed out with some logic, that I’m the one that finally goes off birth control, so more power is in the woman’s hands. . . but I don’t think that’s really the reason that I get asked more than him.

Reply

35 Megan @ Healthy Hoggin February 3, 2010

I’ve definitely felt pressure to start having kids since getting married! My parents want more grandchildren! My husband and I both want kids, too, but we want to enjoy being married for a while– without the responsibility of raising a child just yet!

As my friends start getting pregnant, I’m sure I’ll get the urge… but I’d really like to wait until we’re a little more financially stable to start having more mouths to feed! (especially since I’m going to want to buy expensive, organic produce for my babies, too!) For now, we have our little dog, and that’s plenty of family for us at the moment. :)

Reply

36 Sarah February 3, 2010

I’ve always thought it was good advice to have YOU (you and the husband) time before kids come into the marriage. Give you time to build a good foundation together!

Reply

37 Tami February 3, 2010

i always say to people, you never realize how much your parents love you until the doctor/nurse/your husband hands you your baby for the first time.

i was 28 when my daughter was born, my husband was 34, my son was born 22 months later…close together is hard but they are 6 and 4 now and things are great and they are best pals

Reply

38 AGS February 3, 2010

Good discussion! I don’t feel any pressure from immediate family, nor my husband. Thank goodness. My mom and I talk about this periodically, but more just a conversation in which she acts as a sounding board. She never tells me I should do one thing or another (even though I think she secretly wouldn’t mind a grandchild).

I do feel a little pressure from family in friends — like I’m starting to get out of sync with what everyone else is doing. It’s a sense of “this is the time of your life to have a child, why are you waiting?” — though no one brings this up, thank goodness! I live in a major city, though, where most of my colleagues/friends waited for some time to have kids (mid-30’s), so my immediate reference group doesn’t pose any issue.

Reply

39 kellyo February 3, 2010

I used to get stupid questions…”Why don’t you have kids? When are you going to have kids? What’s wrong with you?” Now I am old enough (46) that people assume my kids are grown, which is fine. Follow your heart, ladies. Parenthood is a life-long commitment.

Reply

40 Katie February 4, 2010

Kellyo, thanks for this comment. My husband and I do not want children. We are 28 and 30 and at the point where we want to make sure there are no “whoopsies.” We are scheduling him for a vasectomy in a few months. Although my parents say they are comfortable with this, they are very passive aggressive about how much being a parent means, etc. I honestly think I won’t tell them about the vasectomy until years down the road. I don’t like being dishonest, but I think they will stress/worry about us more if they know. I’m very comfortable with our decision and am so excited about OUR life together. It’s not that I hate kids – they just arent’ for me. I wish others could respect that. LOVE the honest but respectful discussion here today!

Reply

41 Kate May 12, 2010

Thank you for your post!
My husband and I are 31 and 33 and about 95% sure we do not want kids…ever.
It is nice to know that we are not the only ones.
We are the same, we enjoy our life, as it is, with just the two of us.

Reply

42 K February 3, 2010

I’m 25, a single mom, and a full-time grad student. I don’t think that I’ve ever had a time when I didn’t feel pressure. I was pressured to “take care of it” when I found out I was pregnant (from well-meaning friends and family, including my grandmother). I was pressured to stay with the father when things were not working out. And now I feel like the pressures of being part of the academic world (and totally devoting yourself to your research) are just so completely incompatible with the pressure of motherhood (that idea that your whole life and heart should revolve around your child).

When I’m with my little one I can’t stop thinking of all the work I should be doing. When I’m at school I just want to be home on the couch watching Dora with her. I don’t regret any of the choices I’ve made, but I think that the options were never fair to begin with. I don’t ever want to give up my little girl, but when faced with the option of either being a good mother OR academic, or being mediocre at both, I’m not really sure there is a good choice.

Reply

43 Angela (Oh She Glows) February 3, 2010

When I was in grad school I noticed this too. There was no support for mothers. I always thought I would have had to drop out because the environment was not supportive. I knew a few women who had children in grad school (and were single moms) and I honestly dont know how they managed.

Kudos to you for making it though, it will be over soon enough.

Reply

44 Lizzie February 3, 2010

We (my husband and I) are the last (more so for my groups of friends than his) to not have any children yet. I have felt no pressure from most of my friends, except one (who asked me EVERY single time we talked and when I turned 30 urged me to start trying now, because . . well, we’re 30!). It made me very uncomfortable to talk to her. After 9 years people do ask and recently more of his work colleagues have started asking (but that might just be because they’ve just experienced a mini baby-boom in their office). My mum has been so great about it. She has only mentioned it once, and more in a ‘you don’t need to hurry, but don’t leave it too late’ way. My MIL doesn’t mention it, but I am sure she does to everyone else :) (however she has two grandaughters who live 10 minutes from her, so I don’t feel too bad). I just smile and come up with some excuse, but I think that unless that person is a VERY good friend or a close family member, that it is off limits. I have had several friends who have miscarried or been trying for years and you don’t always know everyone’s circumstances or reasons.
Thanks Angela for addressing this and thank you to everyone who is responding. It’s great to see this topic treated with respect for others no matter where everyone is coming from.

Reply

45 Morgan @ Healthy Happy Place February 3, 2010

I actually feel a lot of pressure NOT to have kids yet. My relatives would rather I continue my career for a while and think about kids later. But as you said, it’s a personal decision, not to be made by anyone other than you and your spouse!

Reply

46 Katie February 3, 2010

I LOVE kids I want to be the rockin aunt or cousin or what have you, but I do not want any of my own. First I am not a baby person AT ALL. They don’t sleep through the night and they don’t talk :) So cute if they go back to mom, but I am just not a fan of blow outs and spit up (yes I worked in daycare!). I know I want to travel a lot, run, and have a big career. I would much rather go into a big time career then devote myself to kids. Everyone says I will change my mind when I’m in a relationship and maybe I will, but hearing stories from family members with kids I KNOW I could not be a great mom, but I KNOW I could be that cool aunt with the amazing house for sleep overs. And I’m OK with that ;) Of course when family is telling you you will die alone and no one will take care of you when you are older you do begin to second guess, but my immediate family is supportive of my decision. I also don’t know if I plan on a marriage because I don’t think it’s fair for me to not want kids and be with someone who needs that in their life because I am not the one who can give it to them. I think it’s a tough question and one that is unduly presented to women at a young age. My little cousin (5!) already is playing mom to her little sister who was just born. I told her mom that they come do sleepovers with me when they are older and we’ll have a fun slumber party as long as they go home after the weekend :)

Reply

47 Chelsea February 3, 2010

I’m judged because I only want 1 kid. In fact, I don’t talk about it much because I get so much flack for it. Unless my situation changes drastically, Lucy is going to be an only child and that’s the way we want it. Most people cannot fathom the fact that we only want one kid. I hear, “Oh don’t do that to her.” “She’ll be so lonely.” “What about when you die, who will she have?” And people are CONSTANTLY asking when I’m having the next one. My husband and I just say “We’ll see.” because it’s really not worth getting into the conversation.

Reply

48 Jennifer February 3, 2010

I feel HUGE pressure to have children! My husband and I got married back in May of 2009 and we are both twenty four. It seems like when you get married the question that comes next from EVERYONE you see is, so when are you having kids? My husband comes from a large family as he is the oldest of six siblings. His parents and siblings are CONSTANTLY asking me when am I going to have a baby. I joke and tell them that our puppy will have to do for a few years because this is all they are going to get! Then I realized I think I was upsetting my MIL a bit so I layed off that excuse and was honest – we want to have kids when we are about twenty eight. We are in no rush and we really want to enjoy some “US” time before we start having kids. We are also very involved in our church and I think that in church communities it is so normal to get married and have kids right away (at least at my church it is, because all of my friends have or are having their first or second or even THIRD child). I totally respect their choice to have kids right away. I have to be honest though, it gets to be a little annoying that I am ALWAYS asked this question. I am sort of secretly hoping my brother in law marries his GF and gives his parents a baby SOON so that I can be saved for the next four years of answering this question.

Reply

49 Kristilyn (My 29th Year) February 3, 2010

My husband and I don’t really feel pressure because we’ve already told plenty of people that we aren’t planning to have children. We love our dogs. We love each other. And it’s ultimately our decision.

That being said, I’m always confronted by work people or random people I meet who ask when we’re having kids – that’s when it’s a struggle. Do we get into the talk about why we don’t want children? Or do we just say, “Oh not yet” and avoid getting into the discussion.

Reply

50 Stephanie February 3, 2010

Yes and no. I am the oldest, my mother is a preschool teacher. She has devoted her life to children and has not kept her desire to be a grand-maman one day a secret. She doesn’t mean to pressure me, but ever since I got engaged she has started accumulating books and toys to put in her “Grand-enfants box”. Like a hope chest for grandmas I guess?

Reply

51 One Healthy Apple February 3, 2010

I just got married this past September. I can count the number of times people have asked me when babies are coming, or even better, if I’m pregnant yet.

My husband and I do want kids- I’m almost 26 and he’s 27, but we just want to finish grad school, enjoy life, and get in one big trip!

Reply

52 Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine February 3, 2010

Up until recently, I never wanted kids, either. I’m 20 now, and even though I now it’s probable that my current boyfriend won’t end getting married, having my first “adult” relationship (outside of high school, I mean- I know we still have a lot of growing up to do!) has made me realize how much I eventually want to have children with someone I love. I definitely want to be married for awhile before hand though!

Reply

53 Jolene February 3, 2010

I am pressured by people ALL THE TIME to have kids and it sucks! I am so sick of answering the question, and being told the fertility stats … yeah I get it people … back off!!

I totally agree with you on everything – it is a personal choice, and people should not tell others what to do or when to do it. I wish everyone thought like you and the lovely readers on here!

Reply

54 Liz February 3, 2010

I try not to worry about it, but I sometimes try to do the math in my head to figure it all out. I’m 26 and currently in a serious relationship with my boyfriend, but we’re not even near the engaged phase. I feel like it’s kind of an equation at this point, you date someone for x # of years, engaged for x amount of time, married for x amount of time to just enjoy being married… and then you can start trying to have kids… don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to rush into anything, but I do want to have 2-3 kids and I’d like them to be as healthy as possible! But, I’m a true believer that everything happens for a reason so I’ll take life day by day with a smile on my face!

Reply

55 misti February 3, 2010

I used to say the same thing, but when my niece was born 18 months ago the baby time bomb just went off! But then I decided an adventure was in store before a baby so it looks like we’ll be 31-ish or so before we go that route!

Reply

56 Kim February 3, 2010

I really enjoyed this topic! What’s weird is that I get caught up in so many “shoulds” in life (what I should eat, how I should exercise, what I should do for work, etc), but motherhood is one “should” that just doesn’t get to me. I/we don’t want children and I feel confident in that decision. It doesn’t bother me to be “different” in this way. I assume some people think it’s weird because we ARE in the minority, but I don’t really care. I don’t feel pressure about this at all. Of course, our parents make comments about us having children (aka them wanting grandchildren), but this doesn’t affect us. I never say never, and if I magically change my mind, I would adopt. I think parenthood is such a personal, individual topic. I can’t judge anyone for their choices in that area. We all know what’s best for us. Thanks for the fun discussion :)

Reply

57 Huckdoll February 3, 2010

Oh gosh, I don’t think there should be any pressure on women to have children. When a woman feels pressured into children it is almost guaranteeing feelings of resentment and disappointment in self years down the road which can lead to lack of quality of life.

When I was 24 I started thinking about having a baby and eventually it turned into wanting a baby and this is from being a successful career woman, living in a metropolitan city and wanting nothing to do with children, ever.

It felt in my heart like the next logical step and within a few months I was pregnant and less than 9 months later I was a 25 year old mother of identical twin girls.

Now I’m a stay at home mom living in suburbia and am going back to school to become a certified in massage and body work. A far cry from career girl in the city :)

What I’m trying to say is pressure is not good in life! We need flow and balance and women will know inside and with their partners the right time. It’s not even a question at that point :)

That said, I have no pressure to be a super mom at all. As long as I feel good about myself at the end of the day and my girls and husband think I am a super mom, then my job is done!

Reply

58 Jessica February 3, 2010

We are struggling with infertility for the past 2.5 years and have finally decided to go for adoption. I can’t do IVF. I just won’t put my body through that. We are opting for IUI but send in our adoption papers last week. I’m so excited to start the journey!

Reply

59 Stephanie February 3, 2010

Oh! And at the ripe young age of 22, I’ve gotten pressure from my DOCTOR!!! I have an ovarian disease and she said that if I wanted to have children, I shouldn’t put it off for too long.

All I know is that I’m not ready yet. Maybe in a few years, who knows?

Reply

60 Kara (@ Kara's Marathon) February 3, 2010

My husband and I are lucky that we don’t get much pressure from either of our families to have kids anytime soon, despite the fact we’ve been together 8 years. I suspect that might change once he gets his Ph.D. this year and finds a full-time job…

I admit that I pressure the husband a bit to have kids, largely because I feel really emotionally ready to take on parenting. Unfortunately, we’re not in the best place financially or professionally to do so just yet (and I’d like to lose some more weight before we start trying). We’ll see how it goes; whenever it happens it will be amazing and exciting and an adventure! :)

Reply

61 Jess February 3, 2010

Being on the “no kids for me, thanks” train, I don’t get any pressure from my family anymore (and never really did, when I think about it). I think it’s party because a) my parents and their siblings who do have kids were all older when they did (my mom was 33 when she had me and 39 when she had my sister) and I feel like they relate to the “life without kids” idea more and b) out of my parents’ 5 siblings, there are 3 without kids. I have two aunts who are now well past childbearing years and are childless. So, I guess, it kind of runs in the family!

I don’t feel like I get pressure from any friends, either, though early on in some friendships I know some were startled or surprised when I said I would not be having any children. But friends and family have gotten used to me being outside the box in similar matters. When my husband and I got married, it was on a week’s notice at the courthouse and there was no proposal, no ring, and no dress. Not having kids just kind of goes along with that.

But while I don’t get pressure and I don’t put any pressure on myself (I have NO doubts about my stance), I do feel increasingly left out of conversations and “girl talk” with friends, which more and more deal with the topic of having kids. I just can’t relate to their feelings, desires, wants, etc. So I’m aware that my decision puts me outside the norm and will likely impact friendships in the future.

Reply

62 Hillary [Nutrition Nut on the Run] February 3, 2010

Fabulous post. You are so sweet and genuine. I had no idea you were only 26 – you’ve done so much in your life (hello, GLO Bakery) that I just assumed you were older. You’re going to be a great mom someday =)

Reply

63 Jennifer February 3, 2010

I have know since I was 6 years old that I did NOT want to have children. I’m 37 now and I still feel the same. However, friends and family and my mother have pressured me over the years to reconsider and to think about what I’m missing out on. I have a wonderful marriage that is very fulfilling and 3 dogs and 3 cats that satify my need to feel like a mother!
Once my nephew was born 7 years ago, I think everyone assumed I would change my mind. I love him so much, but I still don’t want the responsibility of a child. It is hard enough in this world to take care of myself! I am thankful there are many people who want to be parents, but in turn I just wish they could understand my not wanting to be a parent.

Reply

64 Lauren February 3, 2010

I didn’t feel any pressure to have children. My hubby and I were married 6 years before we had our son and eventually, people stop asking. When we decided to try, we conceived right away and I think it was partly because we were so relaxed about the situation. But now that I have a toddler and I’m 36, I’m feeling some pressure about having a second child. We only planned on one, but apparently this idea is horrific to some people! And by some people, I mean other women. I think it’s really sad how women can be so unsupportive toward each other. I was scared to read the comments regarding your first question about the “right” time to have kids, but I was impressed by the positive vibe of your readers!:-)

Reply

65 Miriam February 3, 2010

No I do not feel pressured to have kids. I’ve always wanted some, but “not now”. I am 27 now. I can feel the clock tinkin… BUT, right now I am considering my professionnal life first (and money). However, I want to get married before having kids. If I was married, had money and I was close to where I want to be profesionnally, I’ll start practicing for kids tonight! As for the pressure, I think that it comes from your environment, mine do not put any pressure on me : none of my friends have kids, none of my friend is married, almost all of them are in relationships and are buying or already owned a condos (no house), but no babies planned.

Reply

66 s February 3, 2010

There is no “perfect” age to have a child. Parents will make it work no matter what age it happens. Unfortunately, despite the advances in our society (women marrying later, having long term careers, etc.,), our bodies naturally have higher fertility during younger ages and this tapers off after 25(!) (women are born with as many eggs as they are ever going to have).

I wish more women understood this. Waiting for the perfect time to have kids (over 30, financially stable, etc), may mean you won’t be able to have kids. Everyone’s bodies are different, yes, there are some women that can have a natural pregnancy at 38, 40, etc., but they are the exception.

Please keep this in mind when making your decisions.

* I work in the assisted reproduction field.

Reply

67 Gracie @ Girl Meets Health February 3, 2010

I don’t necessarily feel *pressure* to have children by a certain age…especially not from my family or friends. But – growing up as a Christian, going to a Christian school all my life and being a part of my church – most women of my generation seem to have children in their 20’s. In fact, many of the girls I went to school with are already married, so I feel like the outcast in that category! (I don’t even have a boyfriend). I’m trying not to let any of that influence me, but I can’t help but have it in the back of my head.

Reply

68 angela @ a healthy fit February 3, 2010

Thankfully, no one in my family is pressuring me to have kids. Whew! That is a relief. Right now (I’m 28) I’m at a stage where I don’t know if I want kids. I am scared. Scared of screwing them up. Scared of losing myself. Scared of how my relationship with my husband will change. I really don’t like the fact that people say your opinion will change. What if it doesn’t? It’s strange because when I was younger, I always thought I would have my first kid by the time I was 26. Guess that didn’t happen!!

Reply

69 Rachel February 3, 2010

I’ve never felt pressure to have children from anyone! Like you, as a teenager I didn’t want kids, and it wasn’t until my great-niece was born that I started to rethink it. My husband and I got to take care of her for a week — just us! — and I realized we could raise a kid & actually be pretty darn good at it. We don’t want kids immediately, because we have school & we want to be a bit more financially stable (out of debt) before we do have children, but it wouldn’t be horrible if it happened before then.

Reply

70 Salina February 3, 2010

I’m not sure whether this has already been commented about, but I feel the pressure about having children from the other end of the spectrum. I am the second eldest of seven children, and I can honestly say that I have enjoyed being part of such a big family (its great for soccer games, sleep overs and fights are pretty much even-sided) but my husband is an only child and while we’ve only been married for 3 months, I’m now 7 months pregnant. This was our choice, and as much as people make fun of a “shot-gun” wedding, the pregnancy was indeed planned! As I’m from a large family, and would like as many children as my body would allow, I feel the pressure from my MIL to only have one, maybe 2 — I do feel sorry for her as she never got the opportunity to have more children, but I sometimes feel that she says these things to make herself feel better. But, as I have been reading on OSG — No one can make you feel inferior without your consent! So I just shake the comments off and focus on the beautiful life I’m going to bring into the world in a couple of months.

Reply

71 pam landy February 3, 2010

I want kids some day but my dilemma will be picking out a name. I am a first grade teacher and there are several names that are on my never ever ever list now :) I love kids! I’ve babysat since I was 14, but am happy to give them back at the end of the day. I love my students, but am also happy that I get to go home to a quiet house at night. Kids never fail to amaze me, make me smile, laugh, and sometimes want to scream…..
I’ll leave you with this little gem…on a math test I gave today they were asked to make 25cents without using a quarter. I went to grade the tests and about 12 of them say “25 penises”
I’ve taught them not to waste time drawing 25 pennies, but we need to practice the spelling :)

Reply

72 Molly @thevegandorm February 3, 2010

I’m about to get pretty personal, but that’s what blogs are for, I guess!

WHen I was 16, I found out that I would never have my own kids. (Technically, the doctor told me that if I ever did want to have kids, I could undergo intense hormone therapy and maybe I would have a shot in hell.)
My teenage mind was very conflicted – the kid in my mind was thinking, “Sweet! No surprises!”
There was an adult part of me, though, that felt kind of lost. I had never been sure I even wanted kids (and I thought I would probably adopt if I did) but I still felt as though I was missing out on something big.
It really hit home when I told my mom, and she started to cry.

It’s strange for me, knowing that adoption is my only option. I don’t even know if I can put it into words – While my friends talk about having a child in general someday (boy or girl, blonde or brunette, etc.), I will have to choose a child. For example, because I know that my child’s gender won’t be left up to chance, I instinctually know that I want a girl, and I even have some other characteristics in mind.

Like I said, it’s very strange. I sometimes have nightmares in which I’m dating one guy after another, and when I explain that I can’t have my own children, they all leave me. Obviously, it’s just a nightmare, but I think my subconscious feels like I’m not a full package or something.

I’m still only 18, but because of my condition, I’ve been thinking about what I’m missing out on for years. Whenever there’s a birthing scene on TV (or in a class), I react a little bit. For most women, having a child is a part of life. (Of course, there are those who are happy without kids.) But for me, it never will be.

It’s a difficult feeling to put into words (hence the rambling comment!) but it’s something I’m learning to accept.

Reply

73 Kris February 3, 2010

:)

I felt pressure after I got married, almost immediately. Not by anyone in particular, it just seemed to come up with almost everyone. People in general start with, “So when are you going to have a baby?” Then when you have one, you are barely home from the hospital and they start asking when the next one will come!!!! Good Lord! :)

I think I also put a lot of expectations and pressure on myself to be at a certain place by a particular age.

Supermom- Oh yeah….The competition between moms can be overwhelming….who is busier, who has the toughest time….

Also, as a mom, you feel the need to be everything for everyone and somewhere along the way you lose time for yourself. I am still trying to figure that part out! :)

Reply

74 Amy February 3, 2010

My husband and I had kids very young, right out of high school. It’s interesting that so many feel the pressure to have kids, as we were looked down upon for having them. Even though my husband and I were married when we began our family, his side (mostly his mom) would speculate that I went off birth control to force my husband to have kids. Little do they know I was never on birth control in the first place. Now our kids are 9, 8, 6 and my mother-in-law still tells me how we shouldn’t have any more and we really had the family worried. I’m darn near 30 years old and still get lectured like I’m 19. It was hard not to be insulted. We have always been financially responsible, finished college, have a very strong and fulfilling marriage. Our kids are well adjusted and well behaved. We don’t openly discuss our sex life, reproductive plans or our finances like my husband’s siblings do, so maybe they are just left to speculate how terrible we have it? It made my early years of parenthood very lonely and I felt isolated. But, I don’t doubt our decision and our goals and plans are coming together like we imagined them when we were newlyweds.

Reply

75 Sara February 3, 2010

Hi everyone! Just remember that life is short and don’t take it for granted. I can understand not everyone has the “get married have kids” passion I do ( i have 3 beautiful sons and hope to have as many more as the Lord leads us to have!) however, when people talk about “someday, someday, someday” I think, well you never know what tomorrow will bring. I think of so many women who waited until their 30’s or eve closer to 40 and couldn’t conceive. After 30 our fertility goes way down. We are so much healthier (physically) in our 20’s and I dunno, I guess I am peeved at times when people think they decide when they will have kids. God decides that. You can choose to use birth control or not but He is still ultimately in control. I know not everyone on this site is Christian, in fact, many probably aren’t. But I just hope and pray you really search your heart and ask yourself the “whys’ before you plan every master, phd, vacation, solve world hunger goals and dreams, before you try to have kids. I just think their is no better happiness and love than that for your child. Until your experience it, you cannot explain it. Save all those things for when your kids are grown, and you are retired. Trust me, you will have more energy to run after a toddler now than you will in your 40’s, and driving kids to soccer and hockey in your 50’s and 60’s! I wanna be on the beach THEN! :)

Reply

76 Vanessa (Last Night's Leftovers) February 3, 2010

The worst pressure I feel to have children comes from my own family. From the “you’ll change your mind someday” comments to “but I need grandkids/great grandkids/great nieces/whatever. It blows my mind that the people closest to me can so blatantly disrespect my decision!

I only hope that as I get older my friends and family begin to understand that I know my own mind, have made an informed decision, and am not suffering for it. I know they just want me to be happy, so hopefully with time they will see that I already am.

Love these posts!

Reply

77 Morgan @ Life After Bagels February 3, 2010

yes I feel pressured, pressured to get married, to have kids, to buy a house . . . we haven’t decided on any of those things yet. Usually I think, yeah we’ll probably get married, and we’ll probably have kids, and we’ll probably buy a house, but maybe not, and who knows what order. What’s funny is that with two sets of divorced parents you’d think my folks and my inlaws would lay off a bit, but no!

Reply

78 Tracey @ I'm Not Superhuman February 3, 2010

Yes! My husband’s sister has two kids and another on the way. She’s my age, 27. His brother has a kid with another on the way and he’s only 25. They always ask when we’re going to catch up, but it’s not realistic for my life right now. I have two bad knees that I’m nursing and my knees couldn’t handle pregnancy weight plus running around with children. I really do hope to have kids soon (I’d probably already have them if it weren’t for my knee pain) but it’s not realistic. I hate that other people think that what’s going on in their life can be easily applied to your own.

Reply

79 Christina February 3, 2010

I’m not even engaged yet and my (future) mother in law is pressuring me about kids. She has like some crazy baby fever. It drives me crazy! I can’t imagine how she’ll be once I am finally married.

Reply

80 Jen February 3, 2010

As I said on my reply on your earlier post, I feel very fortunate that my husband and I really don’t get any pressure from most of our family and friends. We have made our position clear and thank god, they respect it (or if they don’t, are decent enough people to keep their opinions to themselves). I think it also helps that I have an aunt & uncle on my dad’s side who chose to not have kids, so my family has seen first hand that choosing to be childfree is not the worst thing ever. We both get more grief from acquaintences, work colleagues, etc., if we choose to answer their nosey questions about why we don’t have kids yet. I’ve been told everything from “you’ll feel different when you’re older” to “there must be something wrong with you if you don’t want kids.” Now that I’m older, I’m very grateful for the parenting class I took in 11th grade (and I still have no idea how I ended up in that class since I knew back then that I didn’t want kids!) On the first day our teacher asked us “why have kids?” She got all kinds of answers – to carry on the family name, to have someone to take care of you when you’re old, to please your family, etc. She acknowledged every answer, but told us that in the end, the best reason to have children was not being able to picture your life without them. I have often thought back to that day in class as I realize that teacher was right. Interestingly enough, all of those “reasons” that were offered up by those 11th graders as answers have also been presented to me as arguments as to why my husband and I should have kids! If I ever cross paths with that teacher again, she will be getting a big hug from me for unknowingly helping me to be firm in my beliefs (and my hubby feels the same way, thank god!)

Reply

81 Mae @ OhhMay February 3, 2010

It’s so funny that when you were a teenager you said you never wanted kids- I feel the SAME WAY. I’m afraid to be around them for too long because I don’t want to say something they’re not supposed to hear and scar them for life! ahah
When I babysit, I find it weird that I don’t have sympathy for the kids when they cry over stupid things. The inner me wants to tell them to suck it up, but mothers are always so sweet and comforting no matter the situation…

I don’t know if I would ever be able to be a consoleing supportive mother! I would definitly screw up my children for life.

I think you will do a great job some day, you have the best attitude I could imagine in a mother!!

Reply

82 Katie February 3, 2010

When I first had the boys I did feel pressured to be Supermom. It was exhausting. Then I realized how completely ridiculous it all was. My kids don’t care if things are perfect. All they want is my attention. They don’t want to be shipped off to twenty different activities in a week.

They want to see a mom who is happy to be with them not one who is so frazzled she’s ready to drink in the garage because getting things perfect is so impossible. So ok, some nights I go to bed with dishes in the sink. Some nights we have take-out because I’ve burned dinner. That’s life. Messes happen. What they will remember most is the love and the peace that comes with being able to find balance. I like my relaxed attitude. I think my kids thrive because of it.

Reply

83 Jenn N February 3, 2010

I had to laugh when I read this post and the comments, thinking about my mother-in-law. She is beyond desperate for my partner and I to have kids. Poor girl tries to keep the comments to herself, but sometimes she slips up.

We are not interested, and it’s quite obvious to anyone who sees us interacting with kids that we’ve made the right decision so far.

The last time she brought it up, I said that we had our guinea pigs and were quite happy with them being our only wards. So now she is encouraging us to adopt another pig. I guess she’ll take what she can get.

Reply

84 La February 3, 2010

Growing up, I thought I never wanted children. It was a combination, I think, of my parents divorce wreaking emotional havoc on me and my own self-centered selfishness. Over the past year or so I’ve done a complete 180. I definitely want children one day – I’m just terrified that I’ll be a horrid, selfish mother or a smothering mother or goodness knows what. I really don’t know when I “plan” to have children – but I look at my mother, my aunt, and my grandmothers and I realized that I am older than all of them when they were when they first got pregnant and began having children. I don’t really know what that means, but at this point in my life I feel entirely unprepared for motherhood! Life is so different now, I guess.

Reply

85 Cynthia (It All Changes) February 3, 2010

I didn’t have any pressure to have kids until I got married. My mom knew I wanted to adopt due to medical issues but wanted me to be in a stable relationship. Now since day one they’ve (MIL, mom and dad) been asking us when we are going to adopt. The same story “your older (we got married at 26 and 30)” “It takes awhile to adopt” “we’re not getting any younger” “your children will be our only grand kids (neither of our siblings want to reproduce).” It kind of puts pressure on an already tense situation. But when we’re ready we’ll adopt.

Reply

86 Leah February 4, 2010

I have always wanted kids. Ive always thought that Im SUPPOSED to be a mom. Im definitely feeling the pressure already. Im only 24, but I dont even have a degree. I want to go back to school (and plan to start online courses as soon as I have enough money) but Im afraid if I go to school for what I really want, I’ll be too old to have kids by the time Im done. Ok – not too old, but older than I WANT to be.
Ive tried to imagine how much I would love my own children too, and when I think about how much I love my dog, I cant even start to comprehend what it would be like.
For me, I want to have kids before Im 30 – but ideally it would be around 27-28.
I dont feel pressure from anyone other than myself which I guess is good. My mom has made it clear a couple times that she wants me to have kids, but shes not rushing me, its more just imagining.
My main problem (and I shouldnt be posting this on the internet, but Im going to anyway) is that I dont know that my boyfriend is responsible enough to have kids. I love him, but he complains about having to walk the dog. If he cant even handle that responsibility, what would he be like with a baby?
Its scary.

Reply

87 Tami @nutmegnotebook.com February 4, 2010

Well this topic has hit home for a lot of people. I learned long ago to never say never. My husband and I got married when I was 19 and he was 24. At that young age neither one of us thought we would ever want kids. We were so in love and enjoying life as a couple.We had no pressure from any family about having kids,we married so young that everyone felt like we had plenty of time for that later. They were right.
By the time I was 24 I had changed my mind and so had he. Shortly after I turned 26 our daughter was born. Four years later we had a son. I can’t imagine my life with out my kids. I love being a mom. I knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise my kids and that is what I did. I have no regrets about spending every day with my children. For me no “job” or career can compare to being a mom!

They are now college students and due to the economy they are both living at home and commuting. We are a very happy family and they often tell me how lucky they were to have a stay at home mom. They can’t imagine growing up any other way.Since I was home we were the house that all the kids hung out at.

We have friends our age who don’t have children and they have happy marriages and great lives. I think it is more acceptable now to choose not to have children.

Reply

88 Leah @ Simply Fabulous February 4, 2010

I didn’t feel pressured at all to have children. Growing up I knew that I always wanted kids…i’ve always said 4 was a good number (but now I know we have to have the money for 4!). I think that’s why no one really said “so when are the babies coming…?” after we got married because they knew it’d be soon after. I just feel so lucky that it didn’t take us long to get pregnant. There are so many women who I know that it took them a long time. I was always afraid that I would have fertility problems. I don’t know why, it was just in the back of my mind.

I think having children is such a personal decision and I love that there is such a variety of women who have commented that feel one way or another….I think it’s becoming more socially acceptable to either wait to have children or none at all.

Reply

89 Nicole @ Geek Turned Athlete February 4, 2010

Sometimes I feel pressured by my sister and my mother-in-law. It is a little annoying, but I just brush it off! We will have kids when we are ready. I’m 26, and have plenty of time. I want to finish my masters, and then my Ph.D. Why do people have to be in such a hurry?!

Reply

90 Judy February 4, 2010

I told my husband when we got married that I didn’t want children, and I never changed my mind. I’m just about 48 now. I have never regretted it (and yes, I have nieces & nephews).

I do have 2 cats & 2 dogs. I like to joke I got the feline gene, not the maternal one.

When I was younger there was some pressure, but not much. Mostly it was along the lines of “I hope you don’t regret your decision”. Well, I’m a pretty decisive person and as I said, I’ve never regretted it.

I think the most important thing is to listen to yourself, and not anyone else. It’s an awesome responsibility, and you’ve really got to want it.

As to the Ezekiel wraps — I really like them (the english muffins are great, too, btw). I soften them by microwaving them very briefly.

Reply

91 Nicole of Raspberry Stethoscope February 4, 2010

yes, i feel a lot of pressure to have children from myself. I’ll be 25 in a few weeks, have been with my boyfriend for 7 years this month, and he is still in school. We’re not officially engaged or even living together. I just get nervous because when I think about all we have to do first: move in together, get engaged, plan a wedding, get married, enjoy life….I also want to finish grad school; it just feels like there isn’t enough time! I don’t want to have a bunch of kids after 30 because I know the risk goes up for down syndrome and other complications with age. I wish I could just extend my 20’s for 10 more years.

Reply

92 Jenna @ Eating Green, Staying Lean February 4, 2010

Awww, I definitely DEFINITELY want children. For a few years I was totally against it and said if I ever had them that it wouldn’t be til 35. However I feel like my body has changed it’s mind, because whenever I see little kids I just think about having one.

Damn that clock, haha

Reply

93 Jennifer February 4, 2010

My husband and I have been back and forth about whether or not we want children for quite some time. Whenever we would mention not having children, people would just blow us off about it and say things like “you’ll change your mind (wink, wink)” or “you will someday.” We are now firmly decided against children and are still getting the same types of comments. Funny enough (since you just mentioned workplace pressures), everyone in my workplace pressures me to have children. I can’t even mention a stomachache, headache, or heightened sense of smell around my coworkers without getting smirks and comments from my coworkers about how I am probably pregnant [insert eyeroll here].
I sometimes get tired of people thinking that we haven’t thought this issue through enough or that we aren’t old enough to really be able to come to the conclusion that we don’t want children. They don’t doubt our ability to decide other things, so why is it that we can’t just be normal people that have decided not to have biological children? My husband is getting a vasectomy soon and people are REALLY amazed by that. You would think that nobody under the age of 50 has ever done it before. Sometimes I just want to tell them to butt out. Everything at my workplace is so open and I am a pretty reserved person, so I try to be very careful about what I say, otherwise the entire organization will know very private details.
Coming to terms with our decision has still been difficult for me, which really surprised me. The reason that we finally were able to come to a complete and final decision is that I was diagnosed with a rare type of blood cancer about 6 months ago and pregnancy would be very risky for both me and any baby. So obviously, that factor made it easy for us to say that we are never going to have children. However, most of my coworkers don’t know about that, so assume that we are strange because we don’t want kids (they assume that we still will have some eventually!). Now I try to make sure that I don’t judge others for their decisions to have several children or to not have any at all. It is no fun being on the other end of that.

Reply

94 Sarah Walnuts February 4, 2010

I am the same age as you and I feel an overwhelming pressure to have kids. Part of it is a pressure I put on myself, but the other part of it is, my significant other is 9 years older than I am. I get concerned sometimes that he will get to be too old to be running after children by the time he’s ready.

Reply

95 Caitlin@TheTwentyFifthYear February 4, 2010

Great post Ange! I have plenty of friends with kids so at times, the pressure is most certainly on. However, living in this century it’s very clear that the standards and timing of when things are expected to “happen” has definitely changed and the boundaries/borders of when to have kids are very flexible now which I think is wonderful (and eases that pressure!)

Reply

96 kalli@fitandfortysomething February 4, 2010

I have never felt too much pressure but now I am almost forty and I think people realize I do not want children. There is nothing wrong with it and I like children-I am a school teacher-I just like having my personal time to myself and my husband.

Reply

97 Sarah February 4, 2010

I wrote a really long answer to this and then decided to stick it in my blog as a post instead. In short, I feel pressure from everyone around me. And while I’d like to have kids in my early 30s, I’d be fine if I didn’t. Would I be judged for voicing that? Absolutely, which is why I don’t – I can’t be bothered with the hassle.

Reply

98 The HealthyHostess February 4, 2010

I am 26 and we are having our first baby in April! I think (I hope) I was born to be a mom! I am sooo excited I can’t wait! I love your post because I love to see how others feel about this! I just posted a picture of my growing belly at 30 weeks last night! Check it out here: http://thehealthyhostess.com/?p=3501.
I have been working out the whole time but I am excited to get my body back after this! I think that will be a challenge :)

Reply

99 Krista February 4, 2010

Your comment about Sketchie made me smile. Before we had Sarah, Octavius was our baby. Big time. I loved that cat to death and still do. Can you believe I was nervous to “introduce” him to the baby? LOL!!! Anyways, love for your child is obviously different than love for an animal, but it’s still the bottom line. Does that even make sense??? HA!

Reply

100 Lisa February 4, 2010

I also didn’t believe I would want kids. But, then I got married @ age 30 then had a child a year later and another 3 yrs. after that. I was also scared I wouldn’t know what to do with them. Now I can’t imagine life without them. It’s up to each person if and when they are ever ready for kids. It’s a huge committment but worth every bit of it.

Reply

101 *Andrea* February 4, 2010

i’m only 21 but lately i’ve been thinking i couldn’t handle kids. like i don’t feel responsible enough and totally relate to you with messing them up or saying the wrong thing!? i feel like opinions change though when you get to a certain age or see the joy a child brings to siblings etc. plus i think you’d be a WONDERFUL mother :)

ps did you see the post today on zen habits? reminds me of you!

http://zenhabits.net/2010/02/unconventional-business/

Reply

102 Lindsey @ Eat, Read, Run February 4, 2010

Tons of pressure – people were asking us when we were going to have kids before we even got married! We live in NYC and want to move back closer to home and buy a house before we start trying. People just don’t seem to understand that and I think they see us as being selfish. Sometimes I say back – “Have you tried having and raising a baby while living in a 5-story walk up – on the top floor – in a 550 square foot apartment?!” And until they come back to me and say yes, then they really have no argument.

Reply

103 Tasha - The Clean Eating Mama February 4, 2010

I’m 26 and have a 15 month old. There are many days where I still feel “too young” to be a mom. BUT I love him to pieces and wouldn’t trade him for anything!
There is never a right time for children, you can always have an excuse as to why you should wait. It is something that you and your H will have to agree on together – when it’s right for both of you. =)

Reply

104 Kristy February 4, 2010

I wish there were more people like you in the world.
“only YOU can know what is best for you!” – Well Said! It is so easy to judge, few people understand when someone chooses to travel the uncommon path.

Reply

105 Kristin February 4, 2010

Do you feel pressured to have kids?
YES. By everyone — the people I work with, the people I go to church with, my family, my husband’s family. His family is the worst. His father has told me my biological clock is ticking (I’m 30) and has wished me a Happy Mother’s Day “for future mothers.” (I said I’d tell any I saw.)

Are you judged because you don’t want kids?
YEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! And saying “Oh, you’ll change your mind” makes me want to punch you in the face. How dare you insinuate you know more about what I want out of my life than I do! Not wanting kids doesn’t make me a monster, or selfish (thanks, Gramma), or a child-hater, and it doesn’t mean I had a terrible childhood (thanks, Mom)! Could it possibly be nothing more than my life being DIFFERENT than yours?

Reply

106 C.I.M. February 4, 2010

I am 13 weeks pregnant, due this summer. I am not married – my boyfriend and I have been dating almost 5 years and have lived together over 2. The pregnancy was a complete surprise and honestly, the timing was terrible. We were at a crossroads in our relationship and had just decided to split when we learned of the pregnancy. In the end, we decided to make a go of it. We do plan to get married – maybe a year or two after the baby is born.

I cannot tell you how judgemental people have been since we announced the news to our families and friends. They run the gamut from not understanding how we could be so “careless” at a precarious time in our relationship, to advising against staying together “just because” of a baby, to wanting to know if we’re getting married and encouraging us to do it ASAP.

Both the decision to stay together and the decision to hold off on marriage were not ones that we took lightly. The situation was complex, of course, as situations usually are, and I didn’t share every detail of our discussions, much less our own thoughts and feelings, to anyone. I feel like I’m being punished for that now, because many people have made assumptions, which have led to judgements.

I have never in my life been more excited for anything than I am to experience pregnancy, to be a mom, and to start a family…and to do it with the man I’m with. The moment I saw the positive pregnancy test…well, that first moment was shock and disbelief :) But that SECOND moment filled me with a thrill that I really can’t put into words. My boyfriend shares my excitement, although I can’t say that he felt the same thing I did upon knowing there was life growing inside of me. I feel like that feeling is unique to women. I’m kind of getting all teary just writing about it…probably the hormones ;)

Anyway. Sorry for the novel! I just wish people would embrace the whole “to each their own” ideal a little more!!!

Reply

107 Guen February 4, 2010

I get tremendous pressure from my mother-in-law about having children. She started making comments while we were engaged and really went full tilt 2 months after we were married and ran into her at a family function. Luckily, she lives in TX and I’m in NJ. I try to ignore her as much as I can. I can’t even tell her to St.Fu and mind her own business because she is basically crazy. She means well most of the time, but she doesn’t have a very good mental filter.
My family doesn’t pressure me at all. My mother has even told me that if someone asks me/us when we will have children I should respond “about 9 months after I get pregnant”. They trust us to move foward with steps in our lives when we are ready. Complete opposite of the in-laws.
Because of some medical things, I may not even be able to have children. I became aware of the possibility when I was 18, so since then I’ve had a blase attitude about it. If I can have kids, great. If not, that’s ok with me too. My husband is on board with me. We feel that invitro or any type of intervention is not for us. Adoption might be a possibility. We figure we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now we are both 28 and we’ll see what happens.

Reply

108 krista February 4, 2010

We were married young and we had pressure from people NOT to have children-to wait-get education etc. We did both!!(We were always self sufficent)
We both got degrees and now I work from home part time. We have 4 children, and I had my fourth by age 28.
Started at 18.
We love the way we did it-and are very happy. Maddening that people try to tell others what to do. Every person has their own shot at life, and how they want to do it.

Reply

109 amanda@thegrainsofparadise February 5, 2010

My partner and I get a little pressure from the family because we have been together going on 4 yrs now. He’s 39 and I’m almost 34. I think I’m pretty ready but it’s been really bad timing with the current recession of course. (However, my 34 year old overies don’t know about the economy lol!)
Anyway, we are not married ( I did that once and I’m not sure I want to do it again ) and I’ve been shocked by some harsh comments I have receive when I have mentioned that, “I think I’m ready to think about babies…” I totally understand that everyone is entitled to their opinions but seriously?? Does this make us bad parents even before we conceived?
Anyway, It’s pretty interesting……So, I guess to answer your question I’m feeling the pressure of marriage first/ baby second on top of all the other things I’m worried about in my mid thirties….awesome.

Reply

110 Jenna Z February 5, 2010

My husband and I (married 10 years this month!) are lucky enough to have no pressure from our families. But the place I feel pressure is from work and casual acquaintances, they can sometimes ask the most inappropriate questions. After you say you don’t have any kids, they say things like “Oh, you’d be a great mom”, “Are you trying?”, “”Why the heck not?”, “You will someday” etc. Ours is a personal choice but what I think about when I hear these questions is what about the couples that HAVE tried and for one reason or another it just hasn’t happened yet or are having trouble. That can be some serious emotional drama and comments like those are SO RUDE!!!

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: