Yesterday was a bad day.
I tried really hard to make it a better day, but I felt like I was at odds with the universe.
I was in a real funk in the morning, so around noon I decided to hit up the gym because I knew that would make me feel better. And it did. After 50 mins of sweating on the elliptical I felt like a new woman. Unfortunately, that only lasted a couple hours and I was in my funk again.
I had a lot of my mind yesterday. I tried so hard all day long to just see the bright side of things, but I just couldn’t. I decided to be productive anyways, so I worked on my orders and tried to distract myself for a while.
Well, the day just seemed to get worse and worse. I was holding everything in and felt like a tight ball of stress was eating away at my heart. I didn’t really talk to Eric about it, but I was moody all day long, only making me feel worse.
But eventually something has to give.
We got into bed and he could tell that I was upset. He said, just let it out….let it go…
I told him what was on my mind after much persuasion and then the flood gates opened. I started to cry and he put his arms around me and held me. It was one of those messy cries when you are crying and trying to speak, but nothing is coming out but squeaks and sobs.
He held me for a long time and he talked me through my feelings. Even though I only cried for a couple minutes, I felt cleansed. I felt the stress wash away from my body. I felt connected to Eric and thankful for his love. I haven’t cried like that in such a long time.
I have always been the type of person who hates to be vulnerable. I always had a guard up and was on defense at all times. I didn’t like to let people in and let them know that I was suffering.
This internalization was partly the reason for my eating disorder.
Instead of talking about things, I starved myself and distracted myself with numbers in my head. I used to think that by admitting problems, I was admitting a weakness in myself and I was embarrassed about it. That is why sometimes I don’t talk to Eric when I am having these feelings because I worry that he might think I am less of a person (which he obviously would never think).
This blog has changed so much for me. It has taught me that it is ok to be vulnerable. I have poured my heart out in countless posts and I have never regretted it once. I said on Twitter this morning that I had a good cry in Eric’s arms last night and I was floored by the messages that people sent me, asking me if I was ok and encouraging me that this would pass.
While sometimes it is a battle everyday, I am learning to open up and to let others in, even when I feel scared to do so.
Just before I drifted off to sleep, Eric said, ‘Tomorrow is a new day. It will be great.’
And I decided that I would make a gratitude list in the morning and write down things I am thankful for.
It is very easy to get wrapped up in our personal bubble. I think it is so important to step outside of ourselves and reflect on the greater power around us.
What I am grateful for today, right now, in this present moment:
1. I saw the most beautiful bird outside my window when I was baking this morning. He took my breathe away. I don’t even know what kind of bird this is, but he was beautiful. Normally I wouldn’t give myself the time to appreciate these small things in life, but I decided to seize the day and I grabbed my camera and headed outside to take 5 mins of gorgeous pictures of the bird. I felt instantly centered.
2. I have the most amazing customers/readers/friends in the world. They are the reason I jump out of bed in the morning.
3. Our entry way is no longer pink. (Thanks hubs for working all weekend on it and risking your life!)
4. I have amazing family and friends who love me a lot.
5. My core is getting stronger and I have noticed some new definition from the Whittle My Middle challenge (only after 1 week!).
6. Sketchie jumped up on our bed last night when I was crying and he slept with me. Animals are amazingly aware and intuitive. Anyone who thinks that animals have no feelings have obviously never has a pet before.
That was the first day we brought him home! We bonded. For the first few nights he slept under the covers with us by our chests.
7. Gossip Girl.
It has been a long time since I had a show all to myself to watch and fully engage in. I do watch the Office and 1-2 others shows but I typically work while they are on. Gossip Girl has been great for me because I put it on my laptop and put my headphones on and tune out. For that time every night, I am not doing anything but watching mindless TV and it is utterly fabulous.
8. Christmas music. I made a Christmas music mix and it is playing in the kitchen as I bake. It makes me feel soothed and happy.
Once I made this list, I felt better. Things were in perspective. I could get on with my day!
What are you grateful for today?
~~~~~
Glo Bakery
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Vegan Challenge
- Michelle and Katy are hosting a Vegan week on their blogs! There will be tons of awesome vegan related posts as well as lots of guest posts. I am doing a guest post on how to make vegan substitutions in baking. Thursday they are also challenging everyone to eat vegan for a day and then post your vegan meal on your blog and tell them about it. Find out all the info HERE!!!!!
Enjoy your day!
{ 102 comments… read them below or add one }
I hope you’re having a wonderful day! When one of my close friends and I both found ourselves having a bad day, we started what we called a, “a happy notebook.” At the end of each day, we’d write three “happy” things from the day and share them with each other.
Today, I’m thankful for a fabulous group of girlfriends that are having a Food Inc. movie party this evening. We’d read about it on your blog and got inspired to learn more about nutrition. Also, the photos of that beautiful bird and Sketchie put a smile on my face. Too cute.
glad you’re feeling better! today i am thankful for my health, my boyfriend and my family!
diana
I feel that way often…I guess I don’t let “it” out because I don’t want to be a “downer” or be “negative”…Usually, though, when I tell one person, who REALLY listens, then I am free to put it down and move on. It makes a big difference when you have a person in your life who can make you feel like things really will be ok and the world won’t fall apart if you surrender a little!
Great post! Sounds like you have an amazing husband
I have been in a funk today (Monday and all) and reading posts and blogs like yours always help me focus on the good stuff.
Today I am thankful for my husband, how warm the sun is on a 50 degree day, and the opportunity to go for a run in it!
Your honesty is inspiring. Sometimes, we just need a good cry. I hope today is better!!
xo
K
It is a pileated woodpecker–birdwatching is one of my favorite hobbies. It feels so nice to take the time to appreciate all those little creatures life has to offer.
I am SO glad you are feeling better today, I am sorry you had one of those days yesterday.
All your blog friends are very proud of you, and are there for you. ;o)
Have a great day.
BIG HUG TO YOU!
I am grateful that I could take today off of work, and go for a wonderful fall walk and then spend time working on a research paper (yes, I am even grateful that I have homework, ha!)
Husbands and cats are so good at helping us feel better, right?
I am grateful for foods in the cupboards to make yummy meals, as well as the remaining Glo bars I have from my order!
I made your “gourmet” dip today – such a great idea! I love hummus and salsa but had never thought of mixing them together. Thanks for that
It can feel soooo good just to let it all out sometimes. I’m kind of similar in that I hold it all in, don’t talk about it, then just get overcome by it and sob. Except, my crying usually lasts hours, not minutes
I hope you are feeling better today. Especially because that is one amazing list – you have a lot to be thankful for 
Today, I’m grateful I have a family that will do anything for me. I just made a HUGE life change, and they continuously tell me that I will never have to worry about a thing because they are there to help hold me up.
A wonderful post Ange, and it proves that every one of us has bad days. I think it was great of Eric to just tell you to let it go and cry it out, my boyfriend does the same thing and I feel so safe and comfortable with him when he does that. Recently I’ve been trying to voice my thoughts and feelings, also a hard thing for me to do, and it really does help. Even just saying it out loud brings me relief.
Hope you feel better tomorrow – you are entitled to a bad day every once in a while!
That brought tears to my eyes. I bottle everything up too; it’s hard to let anyone see the vulnerable side. Eric is a prince among men and I can tell that you know that. I hope that everyone has someone in their life like him.
Today I am grateful for your blog. I did not read at all over the weekend and all of the entries that I missed were gems and things that I really, really needed to hear. Your words help me all the time and that is an amazing gift to receive.
The beautiful bird that you saw is a red-headed woodpecker. I love to watch them and listen to them. Ya gotta love Mother Nature!
I am grateful that I have a supportive family and boyfriend who would do anything for me, my best friend had the greatest wedding ever, that I have been making time to relax and that I have been successful in school thus far. Oh and that graduation is less than a year away.
Thanks for such a great blog!
you got a wise man there !
Mine does the same for me when I get too bottled up. GOOD FOR YOU!
I am always amazed and grateful for the SMALL THINGS in life because they are what make it GRAND!
hugs!
ok this post just made me cry.. in a good way i guess. i have totally been there. i broke down to a roommate this week which is something i NEVER would have done last year. letting others into your thoughts and emotions once in a while is so freeing. i am thankful for this post today
what a fab post, a great reminder that everyone has those heartbreaking moments and also all the wonderful things we can be grateful for. well said and well put!
Ange you are such an amazing, strong and beautiful woman!
And you bring some much delight to all of us readers – you put a smile on our faces, and knowing that definitely ought to put a smile on yours!
Kudos to Eric for being there for you. He gets a gold star for that.
Today I am grateful that I have learned to eat healthy, tasty food when I’m hungry EVEN WHEN I have so much work to do and am so busy I think I’ll go crazy figuring out how to get it all done. I was complimenting myself on that today, actually.
That, and I had a huge argument with my husband yesterday, but it was VERY good to clear the air, and finally get things out in the open. We were both relieved, and have been talking about it since and finally there isn’t an undercurrent of annoyance between the two of us. . . sometimes an argument is a way of “letting it out”, too, eh?
I am a lot like this. It is so hard for me to let others know what I am feeling. It is hard for me to admit sometimes that I need help. When I make a mistake at work it makes my entire day seem gloomy because I think that I shouldn’t make mistakes. Even though I realize that I am simply human and I am going to make mistakes and have failures, I sometimes feel like a failure when these things happen.
Your post is very timely for me, because I have been having similar issues and cried for the first time in years about a week ago. I was a crier when I was younger and was labeled a ‘cry baby’, so from about third grade on I almost never cried, I think not crying and not showing my emotion is my defense mechanism and you are sooo right that sometimes you just have to admit your problems and remember it is okay to be vulnerable.
Thanks for a great post!
Hi – I happened to come across your blog today. I’ve certainly had days like that. I’m fairly new to the blogging world and have found already that I am opening up more and also trying new things more often.
And I wanted to say that your kitty is the cutest thing! I have a tabby as well, but my cat is huge now – he could use some healthy eating in his life.
I have been having lots of these days lately, I remember I have a cute puppy at home waiting for me and a vacation coming next week. Tonight I am going to dinner with girlfriends and really need it!
Angela,
I am so much like you in that I never want to “burden” someone with my problems or admit that I cannot handle something on my own. Thank you so much for writing honestly about this, because it often seems like everyone around me is getting along with everything just fine … it’s nice to see/read some true feelings and realize that it’s totally normal to go through a funk and feel down! I’m glad you have such a wonderful husband who listens – I need to talk to my boyfriends, friends, and family more when I need it!!
Hope today was a good one
…I didn’t mean boyfriendS. there’s only one haha!
those days are difficult…i know. I have been going through a huge drop in my mood over the past two days and I can’t shake it off.
Like you, I had an eating disorder when I was younger _ i was hospitalised for 3 months when I was 15 and internalise a lot too.
However tomorrow, I am going to get myself to the gym – there is a step aerobics glass followed by legs bums and tums – 90minutes exercise should lift me…. i hope.
i hope you are feeling better xxx
sorry i meant class not glass lol x
Oh my gosh! I can absolutely relate to EVERYTHING you just said. I have also been one to keep my emotions all bottled up, afraid to be vulnerable, and it has only led to disordered eating for me, too. Thank goodness for wonderful husbands! I’ve found a good cry session really does help! And so do green monsters!!
Sounds like you’re having a much better day!
It is so amazing the way animals can just read our emotions. I remember in college after a break up, I was crying in my bedroom and my cat jumped up on my lap and licked my tears off my cheeks! Maybe that sounds a little gross letting your cat lick your face, but it made me feel better at the time!
Thank you so much for being so honest. I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate your blog.
Right now, I’m really grateful to you. I know this may sound cheesy but your reassurance about my blog really made me feel like I could do it (even if no one reads it! haha). I always have that feeling that whatever I do is not really good enough but I appreciate your encouraging words.
I hate days where the funk just won’t go away. I’m glad you were able to find release through a good cry and by connecting with Eric
Today I’m grateful for my husband. I was actually just thinking about how lucky I am to have him and how much we have been through together, especially over the last few years as we’ve both lost our dad’s and other close family members. We are very lucky to have good jobs and a good life…I really couldn’t ask for more <3
I’ve been in a funk lately, too and just posted about it this morning. Hope you’re feeling better.
There’s nothing like a good cry– it’s healthy, beautiful and like Rob Thomas sang, ‘tears fall like diamonds’.
I’m glad you are mindful of all the beauty that surrounds you, it’s a rare and beautiful skill/gift.
Have a wonderful night <3
Becca
The bad days make you appreciate the good ones so much more! I’m grateful for my fiance. He understands me better than anyone else and can always detect when something is wrong (even if I insist that I’m fine).
I have some major breakdowns today… Not good. I’m grateful for my family and the blogworld to escape to. I’m grateful that I’m able to work out and run like I do.
Animals are VERY in tune to how we feel. I love it when my cat and dogs comfort me.
Glad to hear you are feeling better Angela. Letting it out is such a release. Making a gratitude list always helps me feel better too, totally shifts your perspective doesn’t it?!
Sometimes I find myself feeling grateful even for these types of rough patches, because they give me the contrast and the clarity to truly appreciate the good things in life for how great they really are.
XO
*hugs* glad you are feeling better today. it’s so easy to hold things in, but it sounds like you’ve got an amazing, intuitive hub
glad sketchy helped out, too! sending smiles and sunshine your way!
p.s. Would you share your Christmas mix? ;o) I love the holidays and to listen to Christmas music.
Angela, You have so much going for you. You have done way more than people twice your age. I really admire you for leaving an unhappy job to fulfill your dream job.
Also, next time you feel bad you and Eric need some wine and dance. Take care of yourself.
It is very special that you saw a Pileated Woodpecker! They are rare. I think he was there to tell you that life is magic and so are you!
I am not a cryer, and I was such a cryer this weekend! I swear it’s like something’s in the air!
Your husband sounds amazing. I’m sure this will pass and you will end up on the other side of it having learned something, but I’m sorry it’s painful along the way.
So many of us are grateful for YOU – remember that!
Thanks so much for sharing that! What is soooo funny is that I had almost the exact same type of day yesterday, and even this morning I woke up feeling down, but I forced myself to go to the gym and that finally seemed to break the spell. It reminded me that today truly IS a new day
Thank you so much for sharing this. I was in the same type of mood over the weekend, and luckily, like you, had an awesome guy to hold me while I cried it out. I actually thought about what you had written in your “A Year Can Change A Lot” series, about how lost and trapped you felt before quitting your job, because that’s close to what I’m going through right now. My problem is that I can list a dozen things I’d rather be doing, but can’t see any way to actually make them happen. I’m trying to figure it out, but thanks again for writing so honestly about everything — it helps me know that I’m not alone and that big changes are possible.