Yesterday was a bad day.
I tried really hard to make it a better day, but I felt like I was at odds with the universe.
I was in a real funk in the morning, so around noon I decided to hit up the gym because I knew that would make me feel better. And it did. After 50 mins of sweating on the elliptical I felt like a new woman. Unfortunately, that only lasted a couple hours and I was in my funk again.
I had a lot of my mind yesterday. I tried so hard all day long to just see the bright side of things, but I just couldn’t. I decided to be productive anyways, so I worked on my orders and tried to distract myself for a while.
Well, the day just seemed to get worse and worse. I was holding everything in and felt like a tight ball of stress was eating away at my heart. I didn’t really talk to Eric about it, but I was moody all day long, only making me feel worse.
But eventually something has to give.
We got into bed and he could tell that I was upset. He said, just let it out….let it go…
I told him what was on my mind after much persuasion and then the flood gates opened. I started to cry and he put his arms around me and held me. It was one of those messy cries when you are crying and trying to speak, but nothing is coming out but squeaks and sobs.
He held me for a long time and he talked me through my feelings. Even though I only cried for a couple minutes, I felt cleansed. I felt the stress wash away from my body. I felt connected to Eric and thankful for his love. I haven’t cried like that in such a long time.
I have always been the type of person who hates to be vulnerable. I always had a guard up and was on defense at all times. I didn’t like to let people in and let them know that I was suffering.
This internalization was partly the reason for my eating disorder.
Instead of talking about things, I starved myself and distracted myself with numbers in my head. I used to think that by admitting problems, I was admitting a weakness in myself and I was embarrassed about it. That is why sometimes I don’t talk to Eric when I am having these feelings because I worry that he might think I am less of a person (which he obviously would never think).
This blog has changed so much for me. It has taught me that it is ok to be vulnerable. I have poured my heart out in countless posts and I have never regretted it once. I said on Twitter this morning that I had a good cry in Eric’s arms last night and I was floored by the messages that people sent me, asking me if I was ok and encouraging me that this would pass.
While sometimes it is a battle everyday, I am learning to open up and to let others in, even when I feel scared to do so.
Just before I drifted off to sleep, Eric said, ‘Tomorrow is a new day. It will be great.’
And I decided that I would make a gratitude list in the morning and write down things I am thankful for.
It is very easy to get wrapped up in our personal bubble. I think it is so important to step outside of ourselves and reflect on the greater power around us.
What I am grateful for today, right now, in this present moment:
1. I saw the most beautiful bird outside my window when I was baking this morning. He took my breathe away. I don’t even know what kind of bird this is, but he was beautiful. Normally I wouldn’t give myself the time to appreciate these small things in life, but I decided to seize the day and I grabbed my camera and headed outside to take 5 mins of gorgeous pictures of the bird. I felt instantly centered.
2. I have the most amazing customers/readers/friends in the world. They are the reason I jump out of bed in the morning.
3. Our entry way is no longer pink. (Thanks hubs for working all weekend on it and risking your life!)
4. I have amazing family and friends who love me a lot.
5. My core is getting stronger and I have noticed some new definition from the Whittle My Middle challenge (only after 1 week!).
6. Sketchie jumped up on our bed last night when I was crying and he slept with me. Animals are amazingly aware and intuitive. Anyone who thinks that animals have no feelings have obviously never has a pet before.
That was the first day we brought him home! We bonded. For the first few nights he slept under the covers with us by our chests.
7. Gossip Girl.
It has been a long time since I had a show all to myself to watch and fully engage in. I do watch the Office and 1-2 others shows but I typically work while they are on. Gossip Girl has been great for me because I put it on my laptop and put my headphones on and tune out. For that time every night, I am not doing anything but watching mindless TV and it is utterly fabulous.
8. Christmas music. I made a Christmas music mix and it is playing in the kitchen as I bake. It makes me feel soothed and happy.
Once I made this list, I felt better. Things were in perspective. I could get on with my day!
What are you grateful for today?
~~~~~
Glo Bakery
- Holiday orders are filling up fast! Please get your order in soon to ensure availability. You will receive 10% off the Healthy Holiday Packs if you order before Nov 20th.
Vegan Challenge
- Michelle and Katy are hosting a Vegan week on their blogs! There will be tons of awesome vegan related posts as well as lots of guest posts. I am doing a guest post on how to make vegan substitutions in baking. Thursday they are also challenging everyone to eat vegan for a day and then post your vegan meal on your blog and tell them about it. Find out all the info HERE!!!!!
Enjoy your day!
Wow im the first to post.
You are such a strong woman! Everyone has those days. Glad you got over it, I was tearing up reading that! I am kind of having one of those days, being in a bit of a funk. I need to get out of it!
Sorry you were feeling down! Seems like you have an awesome husband though. :) And Sketchie is too cute!
I am such a cry-er (crier? crybaby?), but it really is just a way for me to get some of my stress out. I highly recommend a good cry to my friends all the time haha! Glad you’re feeling better today =)
aawww Ange!! I’m sorry you had a bad day. Don’t worry…very soon you’ll be heading to work at your REAL bakery, admiring your super cool Glo Bakery sign on the front of it, teaching your employees how to make your fabulous creations just right, and filling orders for celebrities left and right. I’m sure of it. :-D
Aren’t husbands the best. Glad you could let it all out. You have LOTS to be grateful for. Thanks for sharing your thoughts/feelings/experiences with all of us. You are the best! I am grateful for my hubs, family/friends, our house, hubs new job, my blog, cooking/baking, my body, exercise, pajamas, and Greek yogurt:)
That birdie is a Woodpecker. They are such hard workers! We had a baby in our trees this summer and I had so much fun watching him peck on anything he could find!
Red-Headed Woodpecker…less common than a general woodpecker! You got lucky to see him!
Its a pileated woodpecker. ;o)
They are beautiful creatures and just seeing it would have made my day. I am glad you got to see it.
Dudette, you beat me to it. ;) And right-on I must say.
Angela,
This was a beautiful post. I cannot tell you how much I saw myself in your words. I, too, have struggled to let down my walls and am slowly learning that it is ok to let someone else in.
Another thing i’ve learned is that it is in moments of weakness that we discover how strong we really are and how much we really can endure. I’m glad today is a better day and I am so glad that you have Eric to help you through the tough ones.
Be well.
i love you! :)
Thank you very much for sharing this post with us out here in the blogosphere. I have had days like yours yesterday, where I just feel so awful and need to “let it out” with a good cry. I think that society teaches us this warped perception that crying or showing emotion is a sign of weakness… so not true.
I am a very emotional and sensitive person, and am pretty intelligent. I think of my intuition as my sixth sense and if it has me crying on some days… I roll with it. It’s most often right on about things that are very much worth being upset over. Except when you get me in the greeting card aisle… :-D
I am grateful for:
YOUR BLOG! Thank you for being so honest here, sharing so much with us. I come back day after day for your words of wisdom and your stories.
Oh dear Angela. You’ve made me into a mush with your past two posts.
Being a person who has battled an eating disorder with many ups and downs since I was in 8th grade, your post hit home. I can say that I have recently come out of a low and am back on the right side, not counting calories, eating for my general health and well being, and I have never been happier. I feel better, I LOOK better and most importantly I am happy. And my relationship with Mike has gotten so much better too.
I also hate being vulnerable. I don’t know if it has to do with the eating disorder and everything I went through with that. But I, like you, don’t really open up to Mike like I should. But when I do, I feel like the weight of the world lifts.
Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I think it helps all of your readers take a step back and have a few ‘a ha’ moments.
What an awesome husband! :) You are one lucky gal!
It took me awhile to take the “risk” of letting my guard down knowing I could get hurt by someone from doing so… but I’ve found it only makes us stronger! I’m going through some rough times right now. My grandparents mortality, family friend having a stroke, family dog having 2 weeks to live… all of this at once. I’m thankful every day for the wonderful moments and lots of memories I have with my grandparents, for our friend to be home from the hospital and slowly recovering, and for the unconditional spoiling we gave our dog and for his unconditional love he gave back. :)
I am so glad you are feeling better today, girl. So many times I am also afraid to be vulnerable. That cry just makes all of the difference.
I’m so glad you’re feeling better and Eric could be there for you. Husbands really are the best!
You are an incredible woman and deserve to have an absolutely wonderful day. Hope your good mood continues!
Isn’t it great when nature sends a beautiful message? Yes, that’s a woodpecker. A Pileated Woodpecker. Gorgeous–and so are you!
I’m glad that you’re feeling better. And I totally agree with you about Christmas music. I don’t usually like to start listening to it this early, but I was feeling kinda sad and pessimistic last night driving home from my boyfriend’s and found two radio stations that are playing Christmas music already. It made me so happy!
I’m grateful for your green monsters! I had one for the first time today, and it was so good! I felt so refreshed and energetic after it. I don’t know why it took me so long!!!
Sometimes it is just good to cry and let it out! My grandpa told me that when I was 5, and it still makes me feel better even now!
That birds a woodpecker. Weird creatures I’ve seen them peck a bus stop before :D
Glad you are feeling somewhat better today. Happy Baking :)
Oh angela! I can relate. I’ve really started investing my efforts into my ED recovery, and I’ve really made some great strides: I can finally CRY now! When I feel it, I go to my safe place (usually my closet or on my bed) and just bawl if I want to. Nothing feels better.. I feel so free! I feel genuine and honest with myself! I’ve always been a bit of a cry baby, but you know, even when I’m crying I usually sob to myself “I’m so happy I can cry like this!” I’ve had phone calls where I burst into tears with my boyfriend listening, and he has never looked at me as less of a person. No one has ever told me that I’m less of a person because I express myself.
It takes strength and courage to cry, to express, to let go. I’m the only person that has thought any less of myself in the past because I would cry, and now that I’m in recovery, my rational mind is reminding me “Wait.. That’s pretty illogical, you’re still amazing, crying or not!” I mean.. you dance, jump, & play when you’re happy.. Why can’t you cry when your sad?
I’m grateful for a lot of things today. I’m young, I’m finally of age to get a job (turned 16 yesterday! Can you believe it?!), and I have a lot of supportive friends & family. Oh.. And I look pretty fabulous in a skirt, and my poetry skills are off the heezy. ;) I could go on and on, but I always seem to write excessively long comments, so I’ll leave it at that.
Aw Ange! Sometimes we just have those days, and letting it out is really the best way to feel better.
I love how honest you are. Thanks for being so real and strong. You are truly AMAZING :)