[For my entire Road To Health Series see: My Road To Health: Part 1, My Road To Health: Part II, My Road To Health: Part III, My Road To Health: Part IV, My Road To Health: Part V, My Road To Health: Part Vb, My Road To Health: Part VI, My Road To Health: Part VII]
When you are struggling, the hardest part is always admitting to yourself that you deserve happiness. It is much easier to just believe that you don’t deserve happiness and remain stagnant in your life. Once you look yourself in the eye and admit that you deserve to be happy, you now must do something about it.
Doing something about it is the hard part, but it sure beats the alternative.
That was one of my concluding thoughts in my last Road To Health post.
In this part, I would like to talk about how I took those initial steps toward happiness.
1. I had to admit to myself that I deserve happiness.
I realized that I must be at a place where I was ready to do something about my unhappiness. For years, I was perfectly content to stay exactly where I was, miserable and unchanging. Sure, I wanted to be happy, but for a long time it was easier to stay where I was rather than force myself to change negative patterns. It is hard work and is why so many of us remain unhappy for years before finally doing something about it.
We stay in unfulfilling jobs, relationships, dogmatic exercise regimes, and commitments because it is just easier then doing something about it.
2. Talk openly about my struggles
For years, I didn’t talk about my eating disorder or negative body image. I didn’t talk about having low self-esteem or anxiety problems.
It was a mixture of shame and denial, equally.
I was also scared that my eating disorder ‘secret’ would be taken away from me. As much as I hated that I suffered with it each day, it also brought me a lot of comfort. I didn’t have to grow up or face real life issues.
I saw a therapist for a while during my time as an undergraduate at university. I remember feeling embarrassed to call and make the appointment, to sit in the waiting room with other students hoping I wouldn’t see anyone I knew, and to tell a complete stranger about my struggles. I discovered that there was comfort in talking and there was also the potential to be impacted in a positive way.
3. Write
I also started Oh She Glows as a way to talk openly about my struggles and connect with others and I always say that the blog was a huge help in my recovery and determination to be happy in all areas of my life.
There is power in numbers and in women joining together with common goals.
No matter what emotion I am feeling, I know that I can always come to my keyboard and get my thoughts out. Some posts I don’t end up publishing, but most I do. Writing has always been one of my great loves in life and a great way to work things through.
4. Focus on the big picture, not the numbers.
Eating disorders often revolve around numbers, even though to this day I still think the focus on numbers is simply a distraction from other problems. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t know how much I weighed that morning or how many calories I consumed at breakfast.
I used to be able to recite the calorie count of virtually any food, whether I ate it or not. I was always prepared. I also knew my size in all of my favourite stores as well as what size I was last year and what size I wanted to fit into. I would keep a tally of the day’s calories on a piece of paper each day, just in case my memory failed me (which it rarely did).
There was no room for me to explore the big picture because my mind was merely a calculator doing busy work, crunching numbers. I didn’t know what my hobbies or my passions were.
When I decided that I deserved happiness, one of the first things I did was decide that I was going to live a life without numbers.
But in the beginning, I was convinced that I could recover while still counting calories. I would simply allow myself more calories for the day and that would be fine and dandy.
I would give myself a healthy calorie count to strive for and I thought that I could recover as long as I achieved this ‘healthy’ number.
I was wrong.
The obsession continued.
Despite eating more, I still suffered with guilt, anxiety over food, and constant rumination.
I still weighed myself.
After months and months of this ‘I can have it both ways’ approach, I took a hard look at my habits.
Would my continued focus on numbers (even if they were healthier numbers) prevent me from getting to where I wanted to be?
I knew my answer, although it was hard to put into action.
To be continued…
I am truly amazed at your ability to open up and truly share about your struggles. I’m sure it helps you, and it really helps others as well!
Thanks for the post and your honesty. I am so happy to be a part of the blogging community. It is very therapeutic to type out your feelings and struggles and to have the support of others who are or who have been struggling with the same things. I consider myself blessed :)
just wanted to say “thank you” for your insightful, frank, discussions on these issues. We all need to hear it!
love,
cathy b. @ brightbakes
beautiful post. love the quote at the beginning. focusing on the big picture, not the numbers resonated with me, not for the numbers, but with other things like obsessing and worrying about life things that i have no control over. this quote- “What then shall i do this morning? how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives . . . there is no shortage of good days. it is good lives that are hard to come by”. –Annie Dillard the first part made me realize that if i waste days worrying, then this adds up to my life and i don’t want to live a life like that. all we have is today.
Reading this makes me think about where I am right now. I do track with weight watchers. I have fitness goals of becoming a runner. I dont think I’m obsessed, I eat what I want and stop when I’m full. I often go over my points but dont feel anxiety over it or starve myself. I have had issues of binging when I was a teen. I do fear getting to a place where I will obsess because I see so many women doing it. When you’re over 200lbs, like me, I think it’s a bit more complicated because my health is not the best so I have to look at the numbers, right? I love reading how you’ve come to accept your body. My ultimate goal is to eat a balanced diet (good food and indulgences sans the guilt) & most importantly become a runner (this is one of my biggest life goals). I love your blog & you’re a beautiful person. Cheers!
Every time you share something like this it seems so eery to me because I feel like I am reading MY story. I completely agree about letting go of all numbers. I have certainly had to do that. Even when I plan to get back in shape after this baby, I don’t plan on ever using a scale or getting worried about calorie counting.
Thanks so much for posting this series Angela. When I was recovering from an eating disorder I searched and searched for people who had successfully recovered, and couldn’t seem to find any information. At the time, it seemed like nobody ever came through to the other side of having an eating disorder, so I wondered if it was even possible. I think we need more stories, like this out there, to guide young women going through this. You are super – keep it up!
This is such a well-timed post; I’ve been in recovery for a few weeks now, but I’m still number-counting (in the region of 1,100 calories a day at the moment, which is a big achievement for me compared to what I used to eat (next to nothing)). Even though I’m not letting the numbers dictate what I choose to eat, or how much (I’m learning to listen to my body over that), I still can’t quite let go of them completely – I just have this need to know the figures, like I don’t quite trust myself to judge without them yet. Definitely looking forward to your next Road to Health post! xx
Good post. I really enjoy folowing this particular series, as it was what first made me aware of the dynamics and common placeness of eating disorders and seeing the steps someone else took to overcome and deal with it. On a completely different note: I used your recipe for some pumpkin pie…I’m usually the dessert person for family events, and it was such a huge success. I’ve tried to make vegan pumpkin pie before and failed at a good replica, so I tried your recipe, and my cousin, who scoffs at my veganness and all things in “culinary substitution” didn’t know it was vegan, ate it and loved it! So THANKS!!!
Thanks so much for posting this Angela, you hit it on the mark again.
One of the biggest things I struggle with my history of eating disordered is the shame and guilt. I have the hardest time talking about it, and I really want to. I want to open up and share with people that this happened (not just like word vomit over them when i first meet them, but you know be able to tell close friends.). I would love to let go of the shame of once having disordered eating.
Wow…this is exactly where I’m at right now, and the exact reasons I’ve started up my own site. Thank you for posting this, it’s nice to know there’s so many other who’ve been here before!
Great post!
It is impossible to get where you want to be while focusing on numbers…because it is never enough. Getting rid of my scale was one of the best things I ever did becasue there is always a lower number, or a better number.
It is a dangerous game that takes you away from what brings real happiness, living a life filled with love!
I am always amazed at your pure candor and honesty on your blog, Angela. Thank you for not bs’ing and beating around the bush!
I posted the other day about living with a sense of gratitude and keeping life in perspective. And one of the things I do is try not to sweat the small stuff, don’t obsess with numbers and minute details, as much as possible. I find getting too caught up in the minutia of life causes us to not be able to appreciate the bigger picture, and the beauty of life.
That said, I dont think there’s a woman alive who at some point hasn’t worried about the numbers and the “details” to some varying degree.
Bravo to you for figuring out what you needed to do to get healthy and take your life back!
:)
An amazing post. You have come so far!
This really resonated with me: ‘There was no room for me to explore the big picture because my mind was merely a calculator doing busy work, crunching numbers.’ I too have spent too much time on stupid numbers. It’s hard to achieve, have good memory and generally give back to people in your life when you are completely preoccupied!
I think you writing, particularly in ‘Road to health’ is important. Keep it up!
Thank you so much for that. I’m going through a divorce right now and times are really hard. I try to stay positive and know that things happen for a reason and I will be better off. In the moment it’s really hard.
wow, what a meaningful post, angela. i can’t wait for the next part – i hate cliffhangers! :)
thanks so much for sharing. your honesty and openness means so much.
Your words are amazing. I completely resonate your feelings and want so badly to put an end to the numbers. With and ed, numbers are being calculated in my head all the time. It is time for change, time to start living for real.<3
Love when you post your Road to Health because I can relate so well, and it is so comforting to realize I’m not the only one who has gone through these similar struggles. Looking forward to reading more :)
You just made me cry….I feel like most of the time I’m fighting off anxiety and depression. I have tried medication, but it just never worked for me….I love to run and my husband is soooo supportive and that has helped tremendously….for years now, my eating issues have given me a sense of control….I am really trying to unleash my bad habits and all the craziness that it brings….most of the time I feel like I am trying to run from me being crazy…..literally….it helps to blog about all the things I am thankful for…..I am so thankful that I have found your blog…:)