[For my entire Road To Health Series see: My Road To Health: Part 1, My Road To Health: Part II, My Road To Health: Part III, My Road To Health: Part IV, My Road To Health: Part V, My Road To Health: Part Vb, My Road To Health: Part VI, My Road To Health: Part VII]
When you are struggling, the hardest part is always admitting to yourself that you deserve happiness. It is much easier to just believe that you don’t deserve happiness and remain stagnant in your life. Once you look yourself in the eye and admit that you deserve to be happy, you now must do something about it.
Doing something about it is the hard part, but it sure beats the alternative.
That was one of my concluding thoughts in my last Road To Health post.
In this part, I would like to talk about how I took those initial steps toward happiness.
1. I had to admit to myself that I deserve happiness.
I realized that I must be at a place where I was ready to do something about my unhappiness. For years, I was perfectly content to stay exactly where I was, miserable and unchanging. Sure, I wanted to be happy, but for a long time it was easier to stay where I was rather than force myself to change negative patterns. It is hard work and is why so many of us remain unhappy for years before finally doing something about it.
We stay in unfulfilling jobs, relationships, dogmatic exercise regimes, and commitments because it is just easier then doing something about it.
2. Talk openly about my struggles
For years, I didn’t talk about my eating disorder or negative body image. I didn’t talk about having low self-esteem or anxiety problems.
It was a mixture of shame and denial, equally.
I was also scared that my eating disorder ‘secret’ would be taken away from me. As much as I hated that I suffered with it each day, it also brought me a lot of comfort. I didn’t have to grow up or face real life issues.
I saw a therapist for a while during my time as an undergraduate at university. I remember feeling embarrassed to call and make the appointment, to sit in the waiting room with other students hoping I wouldn’t see anyone I knew, and to tell a complete stranger about my struggles. I discovered that there was comfort in talking and there was also the potential to be impacted in a positive way.
3. Write
I also started Oh She Glows as a way to talk openly about my struggles and connect with others and I always say that the blog was a huge help in my recovery and determination to be happy in all areas of my life.
There is power in numbers and in women joining together with common goals.
No matter what emotion I am feeling, I know that I can always come to my keyboard and get my thoughts out. Some posts I don’t end up publishing, but most I do. Writing has always been one of my great loves in life and a great way to work things through.
4. Focus on the big picture, not the numbers.
Eating disorders often revolve around numbers, even though to this day I still think the focus on numbers is simply a distraction from other problems. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t know how much I weighed that morning or how many calories I consumed at breakfast.
I used to be able to recite the calorie count of virtually any food, whether I ate it or not. I was always prepared. I also knew my size in all of my favourite stores as well as what size I was last year and what size I wanted to fit into. I would keep a tally of the day’s calories on a piece of paper each day, just in case my memory failed me (which it rarely did).
There was no room for me to explore the big picture because my mind was merely a calculator doing busy work, crunching numbers. I didn’t know what my hobbies or my passions were.
When I decided that I deserved happiness, one of the first things I did was decide that I was going to live a life without numbers.
But in the beginning, I was convinced that I could recover while still counting calories. I would simply allow myself more calories for the day and that would be fine and dandy.
I would give myself a healthy calorie count to strive for and I thought that I could recover as long as I achieved this ‘healthy’ number.
I was wrong.
The obsession continued.
Despite eating more, I still suffered with guilt, anxiety over food, and constant rumination.
I still weighed myself.
After months and months of this ‘I can have it both ways’ approach, I took a hard look at my habits.
Would my continued focus on numbers (even if they were healthier numbers) prevent me from getting to where I wanted to be?
I knew my answer, although it was hard to put into action.
To be continued…
Great post, Ange. I definitely understand where you’re coming from with the whole obsessiveness over numbers, because I’ve been there too. I love that the blog community provides so much support for things like this, and hopefully it helps other girls (and boys) who read posts like this to realize that life isn’t all about numbers. Thanks for another inspiring start to my day! :)
I totally understand the last part of this post. I struggled (and still do at times) to eat intuitively VS. count calories. I always feel happier and less stressed when I let the numbers go. Then I will convince myself I can still do both… and as soon as I pick up calorie counting again the disorder thinking begins right where I left it.
I love your thoughts. Very insightful. :) May the power be with you!
I love your thoughts. Very insightful. :) May the power be with you!
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you SO much Angela!
For a long time, I was the same way. I considered myself “recovered” because I would eat, but the amount of guilt I would feel was overwhelming. I finally ditched that attitude and now I do consider myself recovered :)
Wow. You hit the nail on the head right there. I have been on the road to recovery for a few years now and the guilt I feel at times for eating is still an indicator to me that I have some more work ahead of me. I am grateful for the place I’m at now. I’m grateful to be able to eat a variety of foods and to be more comfortable with my hunger and fullness signals. I’m grateful to feel more at home in my body most of the time.
Thank you for putting into words the doubt I have been feeling about considering myself truly recovered. <3
wow, what a timely post. i am currently struggling with an eating disorder and still trapped in this very phase of ‘wanting it both ways’ or ‘maybe’ saying yes to recovery but not truely commited. it feels like im dipping my big toe in the pool of recovery to test out the waters – but i see what you are saying, maybe our toes are not reliable sources, maybethere is no way my toe is capable of ever feeling the sensations my whole body has the potential to feel, i am desperate to find the courage to just dive in and once over that initial shock, realize it’s glorious. thank you for the motivation!
Thank you for your honesty. It’s so true that talking about it helps- my blog and this community has been such a positive outlet for me. Though I don’t count calories anymore, already knowing the calorie count of everything makes it so difficult not to unintentionally tally calories for a meal…it’s a tough habit to break. Your words are truly inspiring!
I LOVE this series, and am so glad to see another edition of it. I counted calories for about a year, and got to the point where I was just miserable, constantly obsessing over how many calories I had “left,” how many grams of protein v carbs v fats I was getting. Though I did lose weight, it all came back when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, despite my eating “right” and working out. Now, I am still struggling to lose that weight I gained before getting my thyroid back in order, but refuse to calorie count because it makes me so unhappy. Now, I am attempting to eat a little less (without counting) and move more…and focusing on what my body CAN do, like have the strength to bike through Italy.
I really appreciate that you share this with all of us. If it encourages even one person to seek help and find happiness that you have accomplished a marvelous thing! I think there are a few things that ring true for me here and it has definitely given me something to think about.
Thank you for being so open and honest. I still struggle with #4 and just letting go of the numbers game but it’s helpful to know that there are many people out there working on the same issues.
Great post! I understand where you felt still obsessed with numbers but were trying to be healthier – when I gave up on counting calories or eating only low calorie foods, I became so much happier and healthier. I could feel the difference immediately, but it still is a struggle sometimes because I was used to counting every single thing that went into my mouth and how many calories I burned during exercise.
I love your Road to Health posts. One day I’d love to document my own from start to finish, but for now I just talk about it in the pieces I can organize. Keep up the good work!
Oooh, a cliff hanger! I love this series, and I really enjoyed reading this. I think there is such a pull to keep weighing and keep counting because we think we’re going to get healthy by doing that. Some people can find success that way, but for so many people it just makes things worse and worse and worse and we end up feeling even more terrible about ourselves. So glad you’re out here telling your story!
I really, truly enjoy reading these posts, Angela. They’re so thoughtful and honest. It’s nice to hear someone’s story that isn’t edited to sound picture perfect like those found in magazines or talk shows. You show the struggles and the decisions you made/make in such an insightful way. Thank you :)
GIRL POWER! I totally agree Angela; I’m sure there are exceptions but if there’s one thing us chickas are good at it’s sharing with and supporting each other.
I try to live my life as openly as possible, if people want to pass judgement that’s their issue, not mine. I struggled with depression for 13 years (!) and when I see someone I think is struggling or it comes up in conversation, I share my experiences. There is so much power in owning and accepting ourselves, our successes & failures, our past, present & future. I think when people see that and can relate in some way, it can have such an impact. I am sure you are helping someone who’s struggling to take a look inside and see what they can do to improve their situation right now. Thank you!
As always thank you for your truly inspiring words. Accepting myself and pursuing happiness is something I could work on. Your road to health post always help me along my own road to health. Again, thank you so much!
I love your honesty and how real you are. You are so refreshing and I hope you are helping so many others. You should feel so proud of yourself. :)
Thanks for posting this! I feel I’m heading down a dangerous path with all my calorie counting, guilt, and over exercising. So I decided that today is the day that I will stop counting calories. Then I read your post! Perfect motivation for me… Thank you! Love your blog!
I really believe that focusing on numbers (for many people) is completely counter-productive. I wrote about this a while ago in my post on why I stopped counting calories. Over and over again, I have seen people attain a healthy weight with much less effort by focusing on eating real food that nourishes our bodies, instead of fake junk that has a low calorie count going for it.
Also, I’ve really enjoyed reading over the past couple of years about how your life has changed dramatically for the better by focusing on things that make you happy. It’s so important to focus on what feels right!