[For my entire Road To Health Series see these links: My Road To Health: Part 1, My Road To Health: Part II, My Road To Health: Part III, My Road To Health: Part IV, My Road To Health: Part V, My Road To Health: Part Vb, My Road To Health: Part VI]
My road to health is never over, even though I can now tell you that I have been free from disordered eating for a while now.
Each day is a journey, not just with our Road to Health, but with all aspects of our lives.
What will happen today? Will I be good to myself? Will I treat others with respect? Will I hit a pothole along the way and slip up? Will I tell myself nice things and stay positive? Will I let negative thoughts or anxiety prevent me from succeeding? Will I be a good friend, family member, or partner?
A new day is quite exciting if you stop and think about it. Not everyone has this chance.
The beauty of each day is that we have a chance to start fresh.
For a long time, I didn’t believe this…at all. When I was deep into my disordered eating, no day was a fresh start for me.
It was simply one long, miserable journey that was going backwards and not forwards. With each day that I failed to take control of my own life, I crept back a few steps until I didn’t even know which way was the right direction.
Sometimes, when you fall into negative patterns for so long, you lose not only yourself, but your internal compass, that is supposed to guide you in the right direction. This internal compass, is also known as your heart or that little voice inside your head that tells you instinctively what you should do. Mine is always right.
Along the way, I stopped listening to my heart and my internal compass became a monotonous track of negative words and phrases.
You might be surprised to know that the #1 topic that I am emailed about pertains to disordered eating and the most frequent thing mentioned is binge eating. I have talked about binge eating several times in the past (parts: one, two, three) and I still believe that it is much more common than we believe and it is often an eating disorder that is swept under the rug and filled with great shame, much like bulimia.
For years, I couldn’t bring myself to even tell Eric that I struggled with binge eating at times. I could talk to him about the calorie restriction and over-exercising, but for some reason not binge eating. I was ashamed of myself and I was so scared that he was going to think less of me if I told him. Of course, that wasn’t the case. I was so scared for so many years to just talk about my struggles, but when I finally did I received support and understanding. Not once did I have someone turn their back on me.
Talking about it was the most freeing feeling in the world and it is always something I recommend to others in the same position. The secrecy, pain, and shame of an eating disorder creates this huge bubble of negativity in your life, but talking about it bursts the bubble and allows others to come inside to help. I saw a counsellor in university for a bit and I also started this blog and spoke openly about my struggles. Over time, I started to feel empowered and no longer like I was doomed by some negative fate.
Of course, this not only applies to those suffering from an eating disorder, but to most struggles in life.
The truth is, there is nothing to be ashamed of! We are human and we all have struggles in life. What we struggle with will vary by the individual, but we all struggle none the less.
The hardest part of my journey was admitting that I could claim happiness in my life.
For years, I believed that I was destined to be unhappy with myself and I thought that I would always struggle with food and weight until old age.
When you are struggling, the hardest part is always admitting to yourself that you deserve happiness. It is much easier to just believe that you don’t deserve happiness and remain stagnant in your life. Once you look yourself in the eye and admit that you deserve to be happy, you now must do something about it.
Doing something about it is the hard part, but it sure beats the alternative.
Each and every one of us has a special and unique light inside of us just waiting to be embraced.
My intention with this blog is to show you what makes me happy and then to encourage you to go find what makes YOU happy. We all have a unique journey ahead of us and that is the beauty of life.
[Sketchie recommends meditating sleeping in a box lid. That may also work. I think I shall try this tonight.]
I had a very similar attitude about happiness during my eating disorder. I never thought I deserved to be happy and as a result, I never allowed myself to be in a loving relationship. When I met my current boyfriend of almost 2 years, it was like I was suddenly allowed to be happy and I gradually began recovering.
Your story inspires me everyday to live a healthy lifestyle. I have just recently started reading your blog and absolutely love it-check it every day :) I have been making lots of your recipes and LOVE them!
Great post Angela! Personal struggles can be so soul-sucking if you keep them to yourself. Even if it’s scary, it helps so much to confide in someone, even just one person. I found that once I told my friend about my disordered eating, I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem, and I could start to fix it from there. Who knows if I would have had the strength to work on overcoming my problems, had I not told my friend.
angela, you are a beautiful writer! i love everything you said here because you are so honest and i can relate 100% . especially about losing your moral compass, feeling ashamed and just helpless each day… i know i am a kind person who loves to help others and my friends but my binge eating and also restricting/overexercising led me to say things to family and ignore certain friends/events because i didn’t think i was worthy – so i often lied to others. i thought life would always be hard for me but when you embrace your inner strength and shared humanity with others it is so much easier to live life free as a bird :-) sky’s the limit!
love your blog! have a great weekend
You are such a beautiful writter! I love your blog, thanks for all the inspiration!
Your writing is so real and true.
Your kitty always cracks me up!
thank you for sharing Angela! I needed to hear those words today, every day is a fresh start! I’m struggling with my confidence today, I’m finding myself let down by unrealistic expectations as I’m navigating my way through school as a mature student, instead of enjoying the successes I’ve had along the way. Your words serve as a great reminder that we need to be gentle with ourselves and not let negativitiy overshadow the things we should be grateful for in life. It’s a wonderful feeling to open my laptop and find kind, reassuring, life affirming words to turn to. way to go lady :)
Angela – a million thousand and one thank you’s for this post. I am currently struggling with a work related issue and this post has reiterated to me that I deserve happiness and that I am worthy. :)
This post is amazing. Thank you for posting it.
And those pictures of Sketchie made my day. :)
Bravo on an inspiring post. Your words are beautiful and I hope people take them to heart. On a side note, your cat is one of the most gorgeous cats I have ever seen- what breed is it?
I just love your Sketchie!! he he Thanks for a great post :)
Awesome post Angela!!! You are right on the mark.
Thank you for being brave enough to be honest with us!!! You truly are an inspiration.
Beautiful :)
You are an inspiration Angela. Great blog : )
This post really brightened my day Ange :) I was having one of those “blah” days where I just feel so negative, but I really feel so much better after reading this. It gave me the reality check I needed.
Thank you for talking honestly about something that soooo many women suffer with, but that far too many women hide
This is lovely. You have come a long way in an exceptionally positive fashion. I predict you will have an amazing future :)
Wow Angela. You are helping so many others out there. You have a lot of courage :) Great post.
Reading anyone’s Road to Health is inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing this with us – it gives those of us who struggle a glimmer of hope, and you have done just that. You embody everything about life that is worth living for; health, happiness, freedom, individuality.
Suffering is not a sign of failure, and asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It takes so much strength to openly ask for help and support and advice, and even more strength to accept that help and use it. Talking gets it out and into the open so we aren’t so heavily burdened with our troubles. There’s nothing shameful about struggling, but there’s everything wrong with struggling alone.
Thank you again, Angela. You really do give me hope for a better future.
<3
Eleanor
For some reason, I tell the story of my anorexia and restriction, but now that I’m still working on the binging, I’m afraid to tell people that… at the end of it all I’m still insecure, and I would rather self-destruct while thin than self-destruct while fat. It’s still something that I struggle with and I’m trying to eat intuitively, but I think the core issue to deal with is still self-body-image.
Beautiful. Your positive words help make the day better. Thank you…