Hey guys!
I hope you all had a lovely weekend. I am starting to compile my most frequently asked questions! These are the questions that I get every week. Today, I will start with one of my most popular questions.
I could honestly write a book on this topic, but I will try to keep it succinct.
1. How did you stop obsessing and beat your eating disorder?
I struggled with disordered eating since the age of 11. I was sick and tired of being unhappy, hungry, and dissatisfied when I looked in the mirror. Even though I was thin for much of this time, I hated my body. My weight went up and down due to teetering along the extremes of both starvation and over-eating. In my first year of university I gained over 25 pounds and my obsession with my weight only got worse. After my first semester in university, I hit rock bottom. I knew I had to change. I was sick of struggling day in and day out with calorie counting, weighing myself, restricting how much I could eat, etc. It was a battle I was never going to win and I knew if I didn’t do something about it, I would never be happy.
I began seeing a school counsellor. She was a huge factor in my recovery. I still remember the kind words she told me and I think of her words whenever I am feeling down. One thing she told me was that I had such a soothing voice and I had a very easy-going nature about me. She would always tell me how easy it was to talk with me. After hearing these kind words, I started to realize that I was so much more than my weight and how skinny I was. I got so caught up in the disorder that I really needed to hear it from an outsider to make everything click. She made such a huge impact on my life when I least expected it. I was very skeptical about seeing a counsellor (fear mostly), but it was the best thing I ever did. I only saw her about 6 times and to think that she helped me so much is really amazing.
In addition to this, I also took a few nutrition courses in university. These courses were pivotal in the change that started to occur in my mind. I finally learned how my body worked…and I was amazed. I poured myself into my nutrition books and I had marks at the top of my class. I enjoyed every minute of it. I wanted to major in nutrition and become a registered dietitian, but I didn’t have a couple of the science pre-reqs and I decided to pursue psychology because I didn’t want to be a year behind (oh how I wish I would have followed my heart!). As I learned more about nutrition, I started to appreciate my body for what it did for me everyday. I had been abusing it for so long and it was just doing the best it could to stay balanced. It never occurred to me why I had the urge to binge until I learned that bingeing is an evolutionary adaptation! It is natural for the body to respond with over-eating when it has been deprived and it feels that it is in danger of survival. I was blaming my body for everything, but it was doing nothing wrong!
I decided to stop weighing myself. For some, the scale is a useful tool but for me no number was ever good enough. If it was up, I would starve. If it was down, I would starve too. I had to put the scale away. I knew that I needed to stop focusing on numbers so much and start focusing on my overall health. It was extremely hard to not weigh myself, but I just went cold turkey.
Going cold turkey was also my approach to calorie counting, but it didn’t work. Because I had been counting calories for over 10 years it was ingrained in me. I couldn’t stop! It sort of freaked me out and I thought for a while that I may never be able to break the habit. I realized that I had to start small. I started with not counting one part of my meal. So if I had cereal and milk for breakfast, I would not measure my cereal portion and not add-up those calories.
Gradually, over time I was able to build up to a full meal…and then eventually a full day of not counting. This process took months and I had many relapses. I gained a bit of weight during this time (I could tell by how my clothes fit) and that scared me and made me want to go back to my old ways. Sometimes I would get to the end of the day and not know how many calories I had eaten and this would cause me to binge due to the anxiety. I wasn’t used to not having control over every morsel that went into my mouth. I tried to focus on my hunger cues instead of how many calories I was ‘allowed’ to have. I realized during this process, that I had absolutely no clue how to listen to my body! I hadn’t done it for so long that I could barely tell when I was full or hungry. It was scary to experience this. It only solidified the fact that I was doing the right thing by trying to beat it.
When I stopped starving myself, it all became clear to me. My binges stopped. It took a few months but they did. My body no longer felt at risk for survival or desperate for food. I started to feel more calm around food and I started to appreciate food instead of fear it. The whole process took about 2-3 years before I felt confident that I would not go back to the disordered eating.
One crucial factor in my recovery was learning how to channel the negative energy about myself into something positive. I decided to channel this energy into learning about nutrition. Instead of looking at food for how many calories it had, I started to look at food in terms of its’ overall nutrition and how it made me feel when I ate it. I started to eat for energy instead of lack of calories or fat. When I was restricting my intake, all I ate was processed diet foods (aka crap!)…popcorn, iceburg lettuce, sugar-free popsicles, Crystal Light, chewing gum, you name it. I decided to start eating unprocessed foods and I ate more whole grains, vegetables, and fruit. I also started cooking more instead of going out to eat. I started to eat FAT which was absolutely ground-breaking for me. I used to restrict my fat so much and everything was fat-free. It was no wonder that my skin and hair were dull as rocks. I learned that healthy fats were good- bring em on! I ate nuts and healthy oils. My hair, skin, and nails started to glow.
I had many relapses along the way, but now, several years later, it was hands down the best (and hardest) thing I ever did. Nothing worthwhile in life comes easy…
For anyone who is struggling, I strongly suggest seeking out professional help. I am not sure I would have been able to do it without my counsellor’s professional guidance.
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Have you ever had an aha moment about yourself or how you viewed food?
"Throw back the shoulders, let the heart sing, let the eyes flash, let the mind be lifted up, look upward and say to yourself… Nothing is impossible!"
~ Norman Vincent Peale
Yay..i’m the first one to comment! ;o) Now, I need to read the post. LOL
Wow Angela! Glad thats all behind you. Keep up the hard/good work. Your fab!!
Great post… I had similar experiences from the ages of 11-14 too. Starved during the day, and sometimes made myself sick at night. SO Scary that girls this age can feel like this. I can’t even imagine that now. But it feels so real when you go through it!
Great post as always :)
Great post! One of my favorite ones. This will help so many!
Angela, thank you for sharing your journey with us. I’ve had so many aha moments, and I think this post led me to yet another one. I haven’t had a an eating disorder for a few years, but that doesn’t meant that my attitude towards myself or food are always the best. I really, really need to get back to thinking about nutrient value vs. how much I’ve eaten that day already.
I’ve definitely had ‘aha’ moments, but I feel like I’ve had lots of little ones and I’m just waiting for the big one. I know I’ve made great strides toward healthier eating, but it’s SO hard to deal with the temporary weight gain now that I’m not counting calories or exercising like a maniac. Every time I try on something that doesn’t fit quite right, I’m inclined to get back on the scale or count all my calories. It’s so tough and I just wish I could really see the light at the end of the tunnel. Congratulations on finding, Angela, you’re a wonderful inspiration!
I know that feeling. Part of what I had to accept was that the size I wanted to be, was not healthy for my body. Sure I could maintain that size by starving and over exercising, but I was miserable. I had to find where my body would be happy and allow myself to eat in the amounts I needed to feel sane. Once I accepted this, it was much easier on myself.
Thank you for posting this! I can relate to this so much – I basically started eating in a disorderly way in 6th grade and haven’t been able to be ‘normal’ about food since. From the binges to the restricting, my weight has fluctuated as much as my mood and self-worth. It’s an awful cycle and I still don’t feel like I can listen to my body and let it tell me what it needs and when. It’s so tough, but I’ve seeing a therapist and reading blogs has definitely helped. Congratulations on how far you’ve come, and I hope that someday I can have a more balanced relationship with food and my body.
Thank you for sharing your story with us Ang!! And nice quote at the bottom of your post— Peale founded the Counseling Institute I intern at! :-)
Thank you Angela for sharing your story.
Great post! Not everyone would be strong enough to seek out help like that AND follow through with the hard work that followed. Although really it was more ‘work’ doing all the counting before, it takes a strong person to break that!
What a story! Thank you for sharing it! You are so strong!
You are such a wonderful inspiration for so many. I’m glad you finally followed your heart and are doing what you do now.
I’m also impressed with your courage to share so much.
Rock on sista’
Thank for you posting this!
great post Ange, it was a long journey, but definitely worth it right?! Im kind of in the middle of that process, trying to find the best alternatives and eat for the nutrition, and try to not count calories, it is really hard!!
You are such an inspiration.
I found your blog through the blog networks and although I don’t personally know you, you have been a positive influence in my life.
I have only read a couple of your posts but they have been extremely helpful. I struggled from anorexia two years past and was hospitalized. Now I have reverted to the opposite and feel like my life is a constant ‘binge’. It is hard to settle for a ____ number of calories so it is good to hear some people have overcome the numbers and let their body take control.
My only question was, how much about do you eat?
Im glad that my posts help you!
It is very difficult for me to tell you how much I eat because I honestly don’t pay a large amount of attention to it! What I can tell you is that I eat when I am hungry and stop when I am satisfied (for the most part, some days I probably eat more than I need! lol). I eat 3 meals a day and 2-3 snacks.
Thank you. I do realize that is a difficult question. Intuitive eating is my goal and I am starting today!
This is so great of you to share your story!
So many will benefit from this post!
and I did read your post where you listen to hunger cues, but I think it would be helpful to see that people are able to eat a fair quantity and stay fit… I always worry about gaining weight when really I am gaining weight with my poor eating habits these days.
The last time I did a quick tally, I was eating around 2,000-2,200 calories a day. What you need is personal of course and will vary for your activity level.
Wow – such an inspiring post!
I’ve struggled with anorexia, and I’m still trying to drive out the last few “habits” – calorie counting, body image.
Sometimes I feel like they’ll never go away, but it calms me to know that you’ve made so much progress.
Thank you, beautiful Angela!
I am so grateful that you posted this direct FAQ, because it’s at the core of your blog–finding your Glo.
I honestly have been struggling with binge eating for the past 10 months. However, first started replacing negative thoughts after seeking counselling. It helped. However, the thing which flipped me was ‘I am honestly not where I want to be with my eating, and I want to change.’. That helped to merge together to postitve thinking and what was really in my heart. The thing which has totally impacted my life forever, is from Jack Sh*t’s post about living in Today.
I used to get SO consumed with having to be perfect all the time. I was so concerned about the scale, planning what I could eat something ‘naughty’, that I had to stop drinking water before weigh-ins, etc. However, I don’t worry about anything like that anymore. I don’t care about when I am going to lose the weight by. I don’t care about if I am going to go out, etc. I just care about TODAY. Making today that best that it can be.
Letting go of the internal pressure cooker has been the most freeing thing in the world. When there is ‘tempting’ stuff around. I don’t excuse myself to have a massive indulgence. I just say to myself ‘eat until your satisfied and enjoy’. I don’t know if this makes sense. But the freedom I have from listening to my body and honestly living for today has given me my life back.
Thank you for this Michelle…you are truly amazing!
Great post, I think many of us can relate to it! I had a similar relationship with a great school consider in my 4th year of university. She really helped me realize all the great qualities about myself and even made me realize that some of the things I thought were negatives were really good qualities :) I was uber stressed about not being the best at anything anymore and she helped me see I was still successful varsity athlete, with great friends and a busy social and volunteer schedule who had got into the grad program of her choice. It didn’t matter that I wasn’t winning medals every race anymore, had to work really hard for mediocre marks but I had a lot of people who cared about me and a lot of really good things going for me!
Wow you just reminded me of the same thing my counselor did…she used to turn my perceived negative qualities into good qualities. Its nice to be able to flip one’s perspective. We forget that we listen to our own thoughts 99% of the day…its nice to listen to a fresh perspective.