What To Do About A Jealous Friend

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Good morning!

Wednesday already. :)

I have been baking since 5:45am this morning, as I have a bunch of orders to get out before noon today. I started my morning off with some strong Japanese Sencha tea and then later on in the morning I had this juice composed of 1/2 cuke, 1 apple, 1 piece ginger, 1/4 lemon.

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Breakfast this morning was Banana Soft Serve vegan Overnight Oats (recipe found here). I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love this breakfast!!

So I won’t. I’ll just show you the goods!

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Omg.

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I seriously could not handle how good this was this morning. IMG_6108

I sprinkled the top with a few cacao nibs too.

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As you can see below, today is NOT a Wordless Wednesday! :mrgreen: more like, Verbal Diarrhea Wednesday…but hey it all balances out, right? ;)

What To Do About A Jealous Friend

I received this email from a blog reader named ‘Amy’. Amy would like your opinion on the situation below.  I too thought it would be a great topic for discussion!

jealous-friend

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“Hi Angela!

I have been struggling with something for awhile now and didn’t know if you had any advice/done a post about this, or might be willing to.  I have a friend who is competitive with me when it comes to pretty much anything: exercise, diet, money, new gadgets/toys, etc.  I don’t want to sound like I have a big ego, but honestly, I get the feeling that she is jealous of me and that is why she brags or makes comments that make me feel badly about myself.

To give you a little background, this friend (I will call her B) actually used to have an eating disorder.  She was very thin when we were in college together, and never sought help for her ED.  Flash forward 9 years later, and now B has 2 small children and is struggling to lose about 10-15 pounds from her pregnancies.  My weight has fluctuated a little bit in the last 10 years, but currently I’m at the lower end of a healthy weight for my height.  But I really feel like, because B never dealt with the issue of her ED, she has a way to bring out the ED tendencies in me – does that make sense? 

Back in college I got a little more attention from guys than B. I guess that’s why I think B might be jealous, though I promise I have never brought that stuff up or "flaunted it" around her!

B also teases me in front of other people for eating healthy.  For example, our friends get together a couple times a month and they usually bring a lot of sweets.  If I bring something healthy or pass on the sweets, B will remark in front of everyone how she could never "deprive" herself of things like that.  She’s said things like, "Well, I worked out for 2 hours today so I can have those things," or a couple of times she’s mentioned how she skipped a meal that day so she doesn’t feel guilty. 

I feel conflicted because I don’t want to place all of the blame on her – I know I have some things I need to work on in my ED recovery.  But also, because she never sought treatment for her ED and I feel as though she might be jealous, I feel like she’s putting me down/making remarks just so she can feel better about herself.  And that’s not okay, either, right?


I know the easy solution would be to stop being friends with her, but we’ve been friends for over 10 years.  Also, we have many mutual friends, including my 2 sisters.  And sometimes we really do have a great time together – it’s just the comments she’ll throw in here or there that make me feel badly. 

So I guess my question is – do you or your readers have any insight/advice (other than ending the friendship) on how to deal with friends like this?”

 

I think this a problem that SO many women experience. Our relationships with other women are so complex whether it be relationships with female coworkers, classmates, sisters, mothers, or friends. Expectations are so high for women in today’s world. We are expected to have it all: a great job, a great relationship, a great body, great kids, a fancy car, while juggling all of it with a big smile on our face. I think this pressure can create a competitive atmosphere between women, especially women you have frequent contact with (friends, family members, coworkers).

My Jealousy Story

I used to be jealous of my happy friends who I thought had the perfect life.  While I was never the type to externalize my feelings onto others, the jealousy ate me alive on the inside. No matter how thin I was, I was never good enough, and the grass was always greener on the other side. These feelings are bound to impact one’s relationships in one form or another, whether it is passive or overt.

My big turning point was realizing that jealousy was only setting me back in my progress to a better life. Sure there are things I cannot change about myself, but I realized I could be happy by being good to myself.

I often remind myself of this quote:

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative – self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it’s a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.  Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.  ~Jennifer James

I was that girl who scanned for evidence to feed my jealousy. I truly don’t believe I could have gotten past it, had I not recovered from my eating disorder because then, and only then, did I believe that I had value. This doesn’t just apply to eating disorders, but it can apply to any struggle that we have in our lives. Only after I started seeing my value, did I realize that nothing about my friends or surroundings had changed. I didn’t suddenly have a stroke of good luck. The only thing that changed was my perspective. Everything else was the same, but everything was so different simply by changing how I viewed the world around me.

Because of my past, I can see where B gets her insecurities from, however that does not justify her actions. It is really difficult when you love a friend dearly, yet you feel like they bring negative influences into your life.  Who wants to say to a friend, ‘I think you are jealous of me.’? Who wants to break-up with a long-time friend? I would probably ask my friend where the comments are coming from and if they wanted to talk about anything that is bothering them. Sometimes, if you probe a little, you find out that people just want to talk about something that is bothering them, but they can’t find a way to express it in a non-hurtful manner. Honesty is not always an easy thing for people, but I think if we all communicated a little bit more, many of our problems would go away.

If talking with your friend doesn’t help, there is really only so much you can do. Remember that good friends will be happy for you and your successes. Be wary of anyone who is trying to diminish your light. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, a person isn’t ready to change. How long you are willing to put up with B’s treatment is something only you can decide.

Today’s questions- Have you ever been in Amy’s shoes? Do you struggle with jealous friends or feeling jealous of other people? Have you ever had to ‘break-up’ with a friend?

 

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.  ~Josh Billings

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Sparkleluv May 25, 2015

I looked this up because I am facing a problem too. My friend is jealous and mad because I may be on tv for my baking skills. We own a mini baking business together, and if I bring it up at all, she fairies the comments. ” ( my name) we know, we are all very proud!” Or ” that’s nice” on our blog people post things like ” you can do it!!!” And she said that if I didn’t want her in the business then she would quit. She also said that I was always the main owner. She is mad at me, no I don’t know what to do. If we need any orders, I can’t bake for a week because of all of the baking that I did for the show. I can’t tell her I can’t get the orders . Then next time that B comments on something Amy should ask if something is wrong. She may or at not say anything, just a thought!

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Amelia Gardner September 24, 2013

I will say I had a friend actually BF who was my maid of honor. We went to nursing school together. We did most everything together. We had a lot of fun. We would study, go to dinners, go out dancing and flirting with men til all hours of night and go home and crash at my place usually since I had my own apartment. There was something I never could quite put my finger on, but was off. Everything I did she did. She wouldn’t really want to ever shop with me. And I found she really had no hobbies other than an occasional walk or exercise at the gym. She really just wanted to go out and drink. Later, I noticed she would constantly have one thing planned after next and never felt like she could stay the morning after going out and relax have some breakfast and talk about the night. She started to say things to me that made me question myself. As in am I a good friend? We would go out with my friends because actually she didn’t have any other friends or high school friends that I knew if except one female she went out with and then all of a sudden they were no longer friends. My friend has an eating disorder I later learned and I remember her throwing up but I just associated it with the alcohol. I met my boyfriend ( future husband) and she became extremely angry with for wanting to spend time with him and accused me of using her for her pool. Not to mention she told me her Dad said that I was and that I was going to stop hanging out with her. She clung on for dear life and asked me to go out so much and called non stop. When we were with my friends( that I always included her) she would get there numbers and sometimes only talk to “my friends” as if I wasn’t even there? Kinda odd. I can go into detail how she tried to make out with my brother and leave and go to hotel with him. And she constantly would ask me questions like aren’t you lonely? When she finally got a boyfriend I was never allowed to meet him for I we two years I guess they dated and she would call me to let me know that a couple of our mutual college friends were coming over for a cook out and how she was going to dinner with so and so and NEVER invited me. Yet, somehow I was always made to feel guilty for ” not being a good friend.” It’s been about 8 years and I’m now married with two kids and she just got married and has one child. She wants another one.. She has really said some hurtful things and left me out and punished me for a very long time for meeting my husband. She would come into my house and look around and notice anything new I got and make comments on it. She would jokingly make fun of my child. She was never there for me and basically the day I got my boyfriend she spent years punishing me, yet I never knew it. I always thought it was me or guilty. I’m now moving and couldn’t make it to her reception of her wedding, but bought her shower stuff with another friend and went out for her bachelorette party. She gave me HE’LL for not coming to reception and I said you know what leave me alone! All you ever do is give me grief! And this was after I have her a ton of my sons old toys free as well.. I said you have held a grudge and punished me for so long and that’s all you do and her comment to me was well how can I hold a grudge against you now that your moving? OMG! The saddest moment of my life- she was NEVER really a friend.

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Sparkleluv May 25, 2015

That’s horrible. Glad that u broke away from her tho

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Reema June 10, 2010

Angela this is my first comment i loveeeee ur blog all the way from egypt so im ur number one fan in egypt lol im passing it on to all my friends :-)

i have to comment on this i hv a friend like that but her prob was different she is totally in love with a common friend who is a major player and since he hits on everyone i was one of the girls she hated on

she wld make snide remarks abt everything she wld exclude me from events with our other friends and it annoyed the hell out of me

at first i tried helping with her insecurities by telling her for instance (she hates her teeth) i proposed that she cld have braces done or have her teeth bleached and that there are so many options these days

the thing is that this completely failed because sometimes ur friend will resent you even more for being wiser and helping them

the other option which kinda worked i tell her my own insecurities and show her that the grass isn’t greener but without making it into a whine fest just sharing the difficulties i have too and i also compliment her alot to help build her esteem

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Natalie @ cinnamonbums May 6, 2010

your banana soft serve/overnight oats parfait looks to-die-for!!!!! ahhh i can’t wait to try that out.

i loved this post.. so relevant, to all women, everywhere! you have so many good things to say =)

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