Let It Go, Let It Out…

102 comments

Yesterday was a bad day.

I tried really hard to make it a better day, but I felt like I was at odds with the universe.

I was in a real funk in the morning, so around noon I decided to hit up the gym because I knew that would make me feel better. And it did. After 50 mins of sweating on the elliptical I felt like a new woman. Unfortunately, that only lasted a couple hours and I was in my funk again.

I had a lot of my mind yesterday. I tried so hard all day long to just see the bright side of things, but I just couldn’t. I decided to be productive anyways, so I worked on my orders and tried to distract myself for a while.

Well, the day just seemed to get worse and worse. I was holding everything in and felt like a tight ball of stress was eating away at my heart. I didn’t really talk to Eric about it, but I was moody all day long, only making me feel worse.

But eventually something has to give.

We got into bed and he could tell that I was upset. He said, just let it out….let it go…

I told him what was on my mind after much persuasion and then the flood gates opened. I started to cry and he put his arms around me and held me. It was one of those messy cries when you are crying and trying to speak, but nothing is coming out but squeaks and sobs.

He held me for a long time and he talked me through my feelings. Even though I only cried for a couple minutes, I felt cleansed. I felt the stress wash away from my body. I felt connected to Eric and thankful for his love. I haven’t cried like that in such a long time.

I have always been the type of person who hates to be vulnerable. I always had a guard up and was on defense at all times. I didn’t like to let people in and let them know that I was suffering.

This internalization was partly the reason for my eating disorder.

Instead of talking about things, I starved myself and distracted myself with numbers in my head. I used to think that by admitting problems, I was admitting a weakness in myself and I was embarrassed about it. That is why sometimes I don’t talk to Eric when I am having these feelings because I worry that he might think I am less of a person (which he obviously would never think).

This blog has changed so much for me. It has taught me that it is ok to be vulnerable. I have poured my heart out in countless posts and I have never regretted it once. I said on Twitter this morning that I had a good cry in Eric’s arms last night and I was floored by the messages that people sent me, asking me if I was ok and encouraging me that this would pass.

While sometimes it is a battle everyday, I am learning to open up and to let others in, even when I feel scared to do so.

Just before I drifted off to sleep, Eric said, ‘Tomorrow is a new day. It will be great.’

And I decided that I would make a gratitude list in the morning and write down things I am thankful for.

It is very easy to get wrapped up in our personal bubble. I think it is so important to step outside of ourselves and reflect on the greater power around us.

What I am grateful for today, right now, in this present moment:

1. I saw the most beautiful bird outside my window when I was baking this morning. He took my breathe away. I don’t even know what kind of bird this is, but he was beautiful. Normally I wouldn’t give myself the time to appreciate these small things in life, but I decided to seize the day and I grabbed my camera and headed outside to take 5 mins of gorgeous pictures of the bird. I felt instantly centered.

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2. I have the most amazing customers/readers/friends in the world. They are the reason I jump out of bed in the morning.

3. Our entry way is no longer pink. (Thanks hubs for working all weekend on it and risking your life!)

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4. I have amazing family and friends who love me a lot.

5. My core is getting stronger and I have noticed some new definition from the Whittle My Middle challenge (only after 1 week!).

6. Sketchie jumped up on our bed last night when I was crying and he slept with me. Animals are amazingly aware and intuitive. Anyone who thinks that animals have no feelings have obviously never has a pet before.

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That was the first day we brought him home! We bonded. For the first few nights he slept under the covers with us by our chests.

7. Gossip Girl.

It has been a long time since I had a show all to myself to watch and fully engage in. I do watch the Office and 1-2 others shows but I typically work while they are on. Gossip Girl has been great for me because I put it on my laptop and put my headphones on and tune out. For that time every night, I am not doing anything but watching mindless TV and it is utterly fabulous.

8. Christmas music. I made a Christmas music mix and it is playing in the kitchen as I bake. It makes me feel soothed and happy.

Once I made this list, I felt better. Things were in perspective. I could get on with my day!

What are you grateful for today?

~~~~~

Glo Bakery

  • Holiday orders are filling up fast! Please get your order in soon to ensure availability. You will receive 10% off the Healthy Holiday Packs if you order before Nov 20th.

Vegan Challenge

  • Michelle and Katy are hosting a Vegan week on their blogs! There will be tons of awesome vegan related posts as well as lots of guest posts. I am doing a guest post on how to make vegan substitutions in baking. Thursday they are also challenging everyone to eat vegan for a day and then post your vegan meal on your blog and tell them about it. Find out all the info HERE!!!!!

Enjoy your day!

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{ 102 comments… read them below or add one }

Allison November 16, 2009

Wow im the first to post.

You are such a strong woman! Everyone has those days. Glad you got over it, I was tearing up reading that! I am kind of having one of those days, being in a bit of a funk. I need to get out of it!

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Amanda (Two Boos Who Eat) November 16, 2009

Sorry you were feeling down! Seems like you have an awesome husband though. :) And Sketchie is too cute!

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Cait November 16, 2009

I am such a cry-er (crier? crybaby?), but it really is just a way for me to get some of my stress out. I highly recommend a good cry to my friends all the time haha! Glad you’re feeling better today =)

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Bree November 16, 2009

aawww Ange!! I’m sorry you had a bad day. Don’t worry…very soon you’ll be heading to work at your REAL bakery, admiring your super cool Glo Bakery sign on the front of it, teaching your employees how to make your fabulous creations just right, and filling orders for celebrities left and right. I’m sure of it. :-D

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Maria November 16, 2009

Aren’t husbands the best. Glad you could let it all out. You have LOTS to be grateful for. Thanks for sharing your thoughts/feelings/experiences with all of us. You are the best! I am grateful for my hubs, family/friends, our house, hubs new job, my blog, cooking/baking, my body, exercise, pajamas, and Greek yogurt:)

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Denise November 16, 2009

That birdie is a Woodpecker. They are such hard workers! We had a baby in our trees this summer and I had so much fun watching him peck on anything he could find!

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Kelly November 16, 2009

Red-Headed Woodpecker…less common than a general woodpecker! You got lucky to see him!

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Eliana >^..^ November 16, 2009

Its a pileated woodpecker. ;o)

They are beautiful creatures and just seeing it would have made my day. I am glad you got to see it.

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misti November 16, 2009

Dudette, you beat me to it. ;) And right-on I must say.

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jenny November 16, 2009

Angela,

This was a beautiful post. I cannot tell you how much I saw myself in your words. I, too, have struggled to let down my walls and am slowly learning that it is ok to let someone else in.

Another thing i’ve learned is that it is in moments of weakness that we discover how strong we really are and how much we really can endure. I’m glad today is a better day and I am so glad that you have Eric to help you through the tough ones.
Be well.

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jenna November 16, 2009

i love you! :)

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Laura @ Backstage Pass to Health & Happiness November 16, 2009

Thank you very much for sharing this post with us out here in the blogosphere. I have had days like yours yesterday, where I just feel so awful and need to “let it out” with a good cry. I think that society teaches us this warped perception that crying or showing emotion is a sign of weakness… so not true.
I am a very emotional and sensitive person, and am pretty intelligent. I think of my intuition as my sixth sense and if it has me crying on some days… I roll with it. It’s most often right on about things that are very much worth being upset over. Except when you get me in the greeting card aisle… :-D

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Emily November 16, 2009

I am grateful for:

YOUR BLOG! Thank you for being so honest here, sharing so much with us. I come back day after day for your words of wisdom and your stories.

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Jenna November 16, 2009

Oh dear Angela. You’ve made me into a mush with your past two posts.

Being a person who has battled an eating disorder with many ups and downs since I was in 8th grade, your post hit home. I can say that I have recently come out of a low and am back on the right side, not counting calories, eating for my general health and well being, and I have never been happier. I feel better, I LOOK better and most importantly I am happy. And my relationship with Mike has gotten so much better too.

I also hate being vulnerable. I don’t know if it has to do with the eating disorder and everything I went through with that. But I, like you, don’t really open up to Mike like I should. But when I do, I feel like the weight of the world lifts.

Thank you for sharing all of this with us. I think it helps all of your readers take a step back and have a few ‘a ha’ moments.

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Kate November 16, 2009

What an awesome husband! :) You are one lucky gal!

It took me awhile to take the “risk” of letting my guard down knowing I could get hurt by someone from doing so… but I’ve found it only makes us stronger! I’m going through some rough times right now. My grandparents mortality, family friend having a stroke, family dog having 2 weeks to live… all of this at once. I’m thankful every day for the wonderful moments and lots of memories I have with my grandparents, for our friend to be home from the hospital and slowly recovering, and for the unconditional spoiling we gave our dog and for his unconditional love he gave back. :)

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Jessica @ How Sweet It Is November 16, 2009

I am so glad you are feeling better today, girl. So many times I am also afraid to be vulnerable. That cry just makes all of the difference.

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katherine November 16, 2009

I’m so glad you’re feeling better and Eric could be there for you. Husbands really are the best!

You are an incredible woman and deserve to have an absolutely wonderful day. Hope your good mood continues!

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Stacie November 16, 2009

Isn’t it great when nature sends a beautiful message? Yes, that’s a woodpecker. A Pileated Woodpecker. Gorgeous–and so are you!

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Mariel November 16, 2009

I’m glad that you’re feeling better. And I totally agree with you about Christmas music. I don’t usually like to start listening to it this early, but I was feeling kinda sad and pessimistic last night driving home from my boyfriend’s and found two radio stations that are playing Christmas music already. It made me so happy!

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Nicole November 16, 2009

I’m grateful for your green monsters! I had one for the first time today, and it was so good! I felt so refreshed and energetic after it. I don’t know why it took me so long!!!

Sometimes it is just good to cry and let it out! My grandpa told me that when I was 5, and it still makes me feel better even now!

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soup November 16, 2009

That birds a woodpecker. Weird creatures I’ve seen them peck a bus stop before :D

Glad you are feeling somewhat better today. Happy Baking :)

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Kayzilla November 16, 2009

Oh angela! I can relate. I’ve really started investing my efforts into my ED recovery, and I’ve really made some great strides: I can finally CRY now! When I feel it, I go to my safe place (usually my closet or on my bed) and just bawl if I want to. Nothing feels better.. I feel so free! I feel genuine and honest with myself! I’ve always been a bit of a cry baby, but you know, even when I’m crying I usually sob to myself “I’m so happy I can cry like this!” I’ve had phone calls where I burst into tears with my boyfriend listening, and he has never looked at me as less of a person. No one has ever told me that I’m less of a person because I express myself.

It takes strength and courage to cry, to express, to let go. I’m the only person that has thought any less of myself in the past because I would cry, and now that I’m in recovery, my rational mind is reminding me “Wait.. That’s pretty illogical, you’re still amazing, crying or not!” I mean.. you dance, jump, & play when you’re happy.. Why can’t you cry when your sad?

I’m grateful for a lot of things today. I’m young, I’m finally of age to get a job (turned 16 yesterday! Can you believe it?!), and I have a lot of supportive friends & family. Oh.. And I look pretty fabulous in a skirt, and my poetry skills are off the heezy. ;) I could go on and on, but I always seem to write excessively long comments, so I’ll leave it at that.

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Bridget November 16, 2009

Aw Ange! Sometimes we just have those days, and letting it out is really the best way to feel better.

I love how honest you are. Thanks for being so real and strong. You are truly AMAZING :)

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Jen (Running With Cake) November 16, 2009

I’m so sorry to hear about your bad day yesterday. I too hate being vulnerable and rarely cry in front of other people. Still, even the littlest things seem to bring me down – a negative comment left on my blog, etc. I just wish I wouldn’t let the little things get to me. On the other hand, I am very grateful that I have a loving husband, wonderful family, and a career that I love. I couldn’t imagine waking up every day and dreading going to work, like many people do. Here’s to a beautiful Monday!

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Lauren November 16, 2009

Hi! I was the one who wrote about coconut oil this morning. Please know that everybody has “those” days and that you are definitely not alone. I’ve been struggling a lot the last few months and have been randomly bursting into tears a lot recently. Be sure to take lots of good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself!

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VeggieGirl November 16, 2009

Just emailed you.

I’m grateful for LIFE – I need to live it as healthfully as I can, and treat my body well.

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Joy November 16, 2009

Angela- I don’t think I’ve ever commented but I stated reading your blog about a month ago. You are absolutely beautiful, courageous and brave (getting back on track from an eating disorder, quitting a “safe” job for something you love) and so positive. Remember these things!!!

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Amanda Katherine November 16, 2009

I hope things are better for you today!

I had a really hard weekend as well. I was in and out of tears all weekend (in private because I don’t like to be venerable in front of others either). Your post came at an amazing time for me. It made me remember that I have a lot to be thankful for. So, I am thankful for my wonderful fiancé, our dogs and our cozy home.

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Carolyn November 16, 2009

I’m glad you are feeling better! I have had a rough couple of weeks as well and I am trying to stay positive and keep in mind that we are truly blessed. Have a wonderful day!

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Julie November 16, 2009

Loved your FAQ post earlier and I just want you to know that your blog is definitely in a small handful of blogs that has helped me get a grip on how I really want to live my life. You are so fortunate to have a husband who will hold you and let you cry.

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Morgan November 16, 2009

I’m sorry you’ve been in a funk lately, but glad you are turning it around. I am so grateful for my health, my friends and my family. Things have been tough for me lately, having moved 500 miles from home and not having a job yet, but I’m trying to see the good things. And yes, pets really do make it better. It’s amazing how they just know when you need them.

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Marissa November 16, 2009

So sorry you were in a bit of a funk. love your list of what you are grateful for.

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Lauren @ Eater not a runner November 16, 2009

I am grateful to be healthy on such a beautiful sunny day.

Glad you are feeling better!

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Lizzie November 16, 2009

Hey Angela:

Great post. Like you. I only watch a couple of tv shows regularly, but how much did you love Pam and Jim’s wedding on The Office. It really was one of the better sitcom weddings!

Today I am grateful for

My husband who puts up with way too much from me and even though we’re different in a lot of ways we still have the same dreams.

Technology – sure it’s the worst sometimes, but without it I couldn’t see my friends’ babies, my parents a couple of times a week, and find out about green monsters and glo bars!

The inspiring piece I am working on at the moment for a girls x-country team – these girls are strong and amazing and their friendships are awesome! They’re motivating me to run better :)

Hope you had a better day today!

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Brooke November 16, 2009

One of the reasons you are so well loved on this blog is your honesty and your ability to express vulnerable moments. We all have them and although we label them vulnerable it really is these moments that define our strength. no one wants to feel “weak” however when someone has trusted there most vulnerable moments with you did you think of them as weak? Likely not and you admired there honesty, courage, and STRENGTH. I see these “vulnerable” moments as times that we are getting closer to knowing ourselves better and loving more fully. You are STRONG.
B

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White Rabbit November 16, 2009

Ange, sorry you were feeling down. It’s perfectly natural to have some lows and sometimes when life gets too stressful having a good cry will make you feel a lot better.

I am grateful for many things, but I guess I don’t always to stop to appreciate this. Today, I am grateful for my silly cats – constantly entertainign and really quite ridiculous. I am also grateful for the cool weather – it’s been swelteringly hot here lately.

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Tricia November 16, 2009

Angela,

Thank you so much for your post today. I had been training long and hard for my 5th marathon on Saturday in hopes of breaking 3:15…well, I was on track to do just that and halfway through hurt my foot,I’m waiting on my xray results right now. Ugh. I somehow managed to finish the race, mainly because I’m extremely bullheaded and stubborn! I’ve also struggled with eating disorders for a long time and hate being vulnerable…but I’ve cried a lot the past couple days!
It really helped to read your post to remind me that this is just one small incident in the grand scheme of things, I have pleny in my life to be grateful for and I’ll get over it!
Perfect timing, thanks soooo much!

: )

Tricia

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Amber from Girl with the Red Hair November 16, 2009

A good cry can do wonders for the soul!

I LOVE my kitty, I don’t know what I would do without him. A good cuddle with him almost ALWAYS makes me feel better :)

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Lindsay November 16, 2009

Every girl has those “days” once in awhile! Love that you’re focusing on the positives.

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Whit November 16, 2009

You are so awesome and positive! I’m thankful I read your blog every day!

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Marianne November 16, 2009

Pileated Woodpecker(Dryocopus pileatus)…kind of like woody woodpecker cartoon!! Very similar in markings to the once thought to be endangered Ivory Billed woodpecker.

Sorry you had a blue funk day. I am glad you find ways to see the positives in life even in something as simple as a bird. Makes life worth it!!

And I’m happy your entry way isn’t pink too!! We had a pepto pink guest room when I was a kid…hated going in that room!

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Marian November 16, 2009

Sometimes you just gotta cry it out. That’s why God created it right?:) I’m glad your feeling better. And yes we have so much to be thankful for. I’m thankful that I can walk talk and hear! (and blog of course) :))

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Julie @savvyeats November 16, 2009

I’m glad you’re feeling better; I totally know what you mean by the “ball of stress” feeling, and I hate it too!

Cheer up, Ange, you make delicious baked goods ;)

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