Yesterday, Caitlin blogged about a post by Kelly about default thinking. Kelly asked her readers if they have one thing that they tend to think about when they aren’t busy doing something.
Such a simple question, but also a very telling question depending on your answer.
Kelly said that she tends to default to running, while Caitlin said that she thinks about blogging.
Some of the reader responses were:
- Men (husband, boyfriend, etc)
- Food (What to eat, etc)
- Competitions
- Cooking
- Blogging
- Running
- Photography
- Thesis/experiments
Of course, it made me question my own thoughts…
And then it hit me!
My mind is no longer consumed by negative thoughts about my body, weight, food, and deprivation.
My jaw hit the floor.
I had a huge light bulb moment.
When I was fully consumed by my disordered eating, 99% of my thoughts were negative thoughts about myself. Any time I wasn’t occupied by something else, my thoughts defaulted to things like:
- How many calories did you eat so far today?
- How could you not have lost any weight? I need to lose x pounds by Friday!
- I need to stop eating so much
- How can I occupy myself so I am not tempted to snack
- I look so huge in this/my clothes don’t look right/etc
- I am ashamed to go out and have people see me like this
Even when my mind should have been occupied by other things like school and work, my thoughts still tended to come back to the negative mindset. I couldn’t focus on studying. I couldn’t focus on my relationships. All I could focus on was those negative ‘default’ thoughts.
I had become so accustomed to defaulting to this negativity about myself, I didn’t even question it anymore.
When you tell yourself something for long enough you start to believe it.
I knew no other way. I also said that I would never be able to give up calorie counting because it was so ingrained in my head.
Well, today I realized just how far I have come.
When I set on my journey to free myself from the disorder, I also started to free my heart.
Yes, free my heart.
With each positive thing that I told myself, my heart started to beat stronger again.
I started to feel emotions again.
I started to love myself again.
With each passing week that I chose to be good to myself, I felt free. My mind, body, heart, and soul felt more free than it had for a long time.
With a lot of work, patience, and dedication I was able to slowly replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. For a long time I thought I was fighting a losing battle, but here I am today, sitting here in amazement with how far I have come.
I now know what it is like to have a free mind and to be able to dream, think, ponder, hypothesize, study, analyze, and wonder. And damn it feels GOOD.
Here are some of my favourite default things to think about:
- Blogging
All day long I commit parts of my day to memory and store it in my mental ‘blog file’. Note to self: Must write these down because 99% of them are forgotten! I write down some of them, but most of the time I am not near a paper and pen. I need to reintroduce my voice recorder into my life ASAP! lol.
2. Loved ones
Family, friends, Eric, Sketchie. I often find myself thinking about conversations we had. I laugh about inside jokes. I miss loved ones that I do not get to see often. I spend a lot of time thinking about people that have made a positive impact in my life. And yes that includes some people I have never met! I have been touched by so many kind people in the blog world and I think about their words often.
3. Running
My upcoming half marathon has been taking up much of my mental space lately. I think about when my next run is, how long it will be, and how running makes me feel. I think about how awesome it is that I have found a sport that I love so much. I also always remind myself who I am racing for: Chris and all others who have been touched by cancer in some way.
4. Baking
I spend a lot of time creating recipes for Glo Bakery. I am always dreaming up something new that I want to make. I think about the nutrition, ingredients, packaging, cost, etc. I love, love, love creating and testing new ideas. I have so many ideas scribbled down that I have yet to try out.
On occasion, I still struggle with thinking about food too much, especially if my hormones are out of whack and I find myself just wanting to eat a bunch of junk food. Things like this are a trigger for me because they make me feel vulnerable like I used to in the past. I see this as more of a blip on the radar than anything to be really concerned about. Even people who are so called ‘normal’ eaters go through this on occasion.
I think the point of it is that my mind is now free from the obsession and I can think about all of the things that make me happy!
Eric used to tell me that I didn’t have any hobbies. He would always encourage me to find a hobby. He’d say, ‘Ange, you need to find something that you enjoy.’
The thing is, for years, my disordered mindset was my hobby.
It took up all of my free time. I literally had no other time in my life for real hobbies!!!!
Until now, it never occurred to me why I didn’t have any hobbies. But now I see it so clearly.
Now that I have given up the obsession, I have all of these hobbies and passions in my life:
I have running, racing, fundraising, blogging, writing, baking, advocating, helping, educating. My life is now so much fuller than it was for years.
Free your heart and your mind will follow.
That is my new mantra.
I encourage all of you who are currently trapped in a negative mindset to take steps to free yourself from it.
How does one free their mind?
This is something that I will save to talk about in another post. But, here is a good trick that helped me:
- List all of your negative thoughts on paper, cross them out, and write positive ones to replace them. Do it first thing in the morning and right before bed. I strongly suggest that you do this twice a day because when you write your list at night time, you can look and see what was worrying you in the morning. Often, you will realize that your negative thoughts had no basis whatsoever.
So now I ask you…
What are your default thoughts?
Have you ever experienced a change in your default thinking?
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson
Awe, this post brought a tear to my eye. So moving. I was the exact same way with my disordered eating. It consumed me, and life erally is richer without it.
Angela,
Thank you for sharing such an insightful post. Really got me thinking………
Kalli
Hey Angela! Wow what a great and inspiring post. I’m glad that my post triggered such a positive realization. Your blog (and your Glo Bars) are amazing. :) Have a great day.
Beautiful post Angela. I am so happy for you that you have found your way!!!!
I used to think about how big I thought I looked. Anywhere I went, I was tugging at my clothing, wondering if people were staring at me (for the record, I’ve only lost 30 lbs – I wasn’t that overweight to begin with!). But ever since losing weight, those thoughts just never occupy my mind any more. I hardly ever worry about how my clothes look, if I’m the biggest person in the room, or if my belly is pooching out in public.
Now I think about my blog, exercising, work and food :)
First of all, your post title has me singing that old TLC song… “free your miiiiind and the rest will follow…”
Second, I have been working HARD to get rid of the negative thoughts that consume me almost all the time. Whether its food I “shouldn’t” be eating, clothes that “should” fit, a workout I “should” do… the word “should” is driving me crazy. I need to realize that while I may not be thrilled at the weight I’m at, my body seems pretty happy here. It’s easy to maintain, I don’t have to kill myself working out to stay here… why can’t I just leave well enough alone?
Ange, what a beautiful post from the heart…best so far!
What a lovely post! I really admire how far you’ve come. While I’m not nearly as negative as I used to be, I have a tendency to fall back into that mindset at times. However, now my thoughts tend to focus on exercise as a sport instead of a way to lose weight. I dream up new training plans/goals a lot! I also tend to think about my family, boyfriend, work, and making future plans/goals!
love. this. post. i could have written it myself. pre-disorder i had so many interests and hobbies, and in the past few months i have been rediscovering them, bringing them back to my life, remembering who i am (and incorporating the new, positive things too!). it’s amazing! i actually had a similar moment recently where i realized how far i’d come. sure, sometimes i have off moments, but the vast majority of the time, i can’t believe how literally all my time and energy was so consumed in the past with the exact thoughts you wrote here.
now i think about my writing, photography, plays i’ve seen/ want to see, travel, family/friends, my goals for the future, books to read, recipes or foods to try out, and blogging of course. life is so much fuller!
Aw wow what a lovely post! A total lightbulb moment for you. We’re lucky if we have these – congratulations :D
Congrats on being able to change your mindset, it seems like you have come so far!
I think a lot about food: what to cook, what restaurants I want to try. I think about my family and friends, puppy and where I want to travel. I daydream a lot about travel!
I really enjoyed your discussion of negative thoughts. I have a lot of friends and family consumed by this and I wanted to let you know that I copied and pasted your suggestion about making the list in a note on Facebook (that only my friends can see) to share with them (but I credited you and the site of course). I hope that is okay. Thanks for sharing your story with us!
this is such an inspiring post! i have been experiecning some very similar things in my life. its so wonderful to have time for more important things in life and actually live instead of worrying, obsessing and counting! i will surely try to write down all the negative things and replace them with positive ones! i’m sure it’ll help
thank you for this inspiration
Ang, thank you so much for this post. It really hit home for me, so much so that I am a bit choked up and teary eyed.
I think that many of us have gone through the obsession, some cases more severe than others. I am about 95% of the way cured of my thoughts, but like you stated, there is always the blip on the radar.
Hopefully with all of the amazing food bloggers out there, we can start to change the unhealthy and unrealistic expectations set by many around the world.
Have a fabulous day!
thank you for this. I needed this tonight.
writing away and thinking positive.
M
This post was so close to home. I have felt all of the things that you wrote and can agree 100% with everything that you’ve said. All I used to think about were negative thoughts about my weight, body, or eating. It consumed me. I didn’t have any hobbies because that was all that I was and all that I did. When I finally began to let go and change my life there became room for the positive and I was able to actually “free my mind!” I love that….free your mind your heart will follow. It couldn’t be more true!
I am a little teary eyed over here Ang! I used to be the same way with food and losing weight, so much so that it would keep me up at night worrying about it. Now I look back and it seems like such a waste of my life/mind energy doing what I did. I love the “Free your heart and you mind will follow”! So true!
I’m in the stage where I’m working on getting out of that calorie counting mindset, including the negative thoughts that seem to come with it. I’m trying really hard to just focus on eating good, whole, foods.
I can’t wait to read the next part of this series.
Angela,
I love this!! It’s something that I’ve been working on myself. My violin teacher recently challenged me to discove what I like about my playing, which has been challenging because most of my teachers told me I wasn’t good enough. My boss hasn’t helped the situation either. I’m working on making my default thoughts go along the lines of “I am good at what I do and I am worth it!” thanks for bring up the topic!!!
Greta post Angela – very thought provoking. Unfortunately, while sometimes my thoughts are about things I would like to do, places I want to go, for the most part it turns to worry-mush. Worrying about everything from my husband, to my family far away, to my career, changing friendships, how I compare to my friends and where they are in life, and all the bad things that could possibly happen. And it is exhausting!! But I am learning slowly to let it go and your posts are often a timely reminder of that.
Interestingly enough I was reading another blog this morning, where the writer gives readers an opportunity to comment about what one thing they are feeling smug about and one thing they are feeling crap about (a weekly theme). I would say about 80% of them were all about how the reader felt crap about their body, bad for eating crap, not going to the gym etc etc. One reader actually picked up on this and commented along the lines of how we need to feel beautiful and not put ourselves down – something I suspect you would say. Thanks for the reminder! :)
Did you mean “Free your mind and your heart will follow”? Because once you freed your mind of negative thoughts, your heart followed and you found new passions and hobbies…. also you went on to describe how to free your mind, so that’s why I thought that perhaps your mantra was the other way around? Anyway great post and here’s to hobbies!