In 2003, after about 2 and 1/2 years of dating, Eric and I broke up. We told our shocked friends and family that it was a mutual break up, but in reality, I never felt that it was. I knew that I gradually pushed Eric away and I built a wall around myself so high that he felt like he couldn’t get through.
This ‘wall’ represented my insecurities, eating disorder, and everything that came with it. It wasn’t just the surface things- the obsessiveness, calorie counting, or over-exercising- it was the absence of self-love and my lack of ability to be loved fully in return.
Our breakup wasn’t mutual at all though. I pushed Eric so far away that he had no choice but to slowly raise a red flag and surrender. (He claims, to this day, that it was just as much his fault as it was mine, but I didn’t see it that way). It is hell living with an eating disorder, but it is probably even more difficult loving someone who has an eating disorder. Any experience that we go through that affects our self-esteem changes who we are, how we act and react, the things we say, how we carry ourselves, the fights we have, and how much we let our loved ones in. Eric got bits and pieces of the ‘fun, authentic, happy-go-lucky Ange’ and other times he got ‘Ange with no self-esteem or confidence’.
On the day we broke up, we lay in bed, crying and embracing each other knowing that as soon as we let each other go it would all be over. I told him that I would change and I would get help once and for all, but he was firm that we needed time apart to grow as individuals. He never said or made me feel that our problems were my fault or that I was the cause of the troubles. He took more blame than he probably even deserved, but I guess it does take two to tango. We talked and cried for hours and hours that day before he finally had the courage to leave. I really didn’t think he could do it. We were soul mates after all, high school sweethearts who had big plans for our lives.
I closed the door and collapsed in a heap on the ground, sobbing, but with no sound or tears coming out. I was now officially empty, but not in the way that I had wanted to be. Suddenly, my goal of being ‘x’ weight didn’t matter to me anymore. Nor did it matter how many calories I ate for lunch. I felt like a selfish a-hole. How ironic that I believed being thin would solve all of my problems, when in fact, the pursuit of thinness ended up causing so many more problems than I ever dreamed of.
I sat there expecting Eric to come back knocking on the door.
He didn’t, though I knew he wanted to.
Eric wanted to stay in touch, but I severed all communication after I saw him at my birthday party the next week. No calls, no emails, no msn chats, no seeing each other. I had a stiff upper lip through it all, but it was the only way I could move on.
Our break-up had a silver lining that I couldn’t see at the time; during our time apart I was able to reflect on things that I needed to change in myself. After the partying (and pretending like I didn’t care) got old, I started to work on me for the first time in years.
As it turned out, we ended up getting back together later on that year. By coincidence we ended up in the same Calculus class at our university and after an awkward Long Time No See and small talk, I figured that would be the end of it. For weeks, Eric asked me to catch up over coffee, but I politely declined. My broken heart had never mended itself and I was on guard, but ultimately, I couldn’t deny the love that I felt for him. I avoided him like the plague because I knew what we had was still so strong. I decided I was willing to take the risk.
I’m not going to say that it was easy when we got back together because for a long time I wasn’t sure if it was going to work. If the insecurities were bad before the break-up, they were twice as bad the months following getting back together. I thought he was going to run away whenever there was a problem, but he certainly proved me wrong. I also proved myself wrong by learning to love myself and to give myself entirely to someone else. We both grew up a lot and we learned how to communicate more than ever.
To me, Valentine’s Day isn’t about $75 wilted roses, boxes of chocolates, or mushy Hallmark cards. It’s not about cramming into an over-packed restaurant and selecting off a special Valentine’s Day menu. It’s certainly not about the gifts, although I guess any of the above can be fun if you make it. Love isn’t always a fairy tale. Relationships are complex and ever-evolving with ups and downs, but I love them just the same.
Most of all, Valentine’s Day reminds me that without Self-Love I have nothing.
Without Self-Love I can’t give to others in my life. I can’t be a good friend, daughter, sister, or wife. Whether you like this holiday or not, you can use it as a time to reflect on the love you give to yourself. If you are anything like me, this is an area that needs constant attention and daily care. My challenge to you is to start a new tradition on Valentine’s Day- write yourself a love letter and read it over often!
(Oh and I lied, it is definitely about the chocolate today. I recommend eating it with breakfast, lunch, and dinner.)
Thanks for sharing this. I would’ve never guessed you and Eric had any relationship troubles!
This is a great message for Valentine’s Day.
Thanks for always being so candid. We all have stories like these and it helps so much to know we are not alone in the crazy feelings and actions and insecurities and strength in our lives!
What an amazing and inspiring post! Thank you for sharing such personal information with us. Happy Valentine’s Day to you both!!!
Amazing. Thanks for sharing so much!
What a beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing this with us Angela. Although we only know you through OSG, you and Eric seem happy and strong and like you have a wonderful time together. Thank you for acknowledging that all relationships take work, and it’s important to grow as a person as well as as a couple.
Thank you for once again bearing your soul for your blog readers.
Perhaps “eating eating it [chocolate] with breakfast, lunch, and dinner” is easier, but the challenge to write a Love-Letter to myself is definitely worth the effort. Along with giving myself a hug.
Angela, this is a beautiful post. It is so true, and right now just what I needed. Thanks so much! I love your blog, you are such an inspiration.
very beautiful Angela. I had to work through similar problems and nearly lost the love of my life. Luckily he was man enough and loved me enough to give me a second chance. And you’re totally right, it was only when I stop abusing myself that I was able to let someone love me.
Here’s to second chances :)
p.s. made the double bite brownies and they totally flattened out like cookies – was thinking I should have been more accurate with the coconut oil? Do you always melt yours before you measure? They were delicious in any case :)
Ange, you are a gem and I feel very lucky to know you. I am so happy for you and for Eric. Such an amazing couple! Enjoy the day! xoxo
Yep, definitely weeping into my green tea. In my office. bahahaha, I am such a sap for a gorgeous love story and that, up there, is a gorgeous, gorgeous love story. Between you and well… *you*. I am bookmarking it for future reads when I’m feeling down.
This is was hard to read without crying, but I made it through with moist eyes. This was absolutely beautifully written. We overcome so many things in our lives that are so difficult to talk about and I am inspired and amazed by your strength.
Thank you for sharing such a personal story. Love isn’t perfect but its the unique imperfections that make it so special.
Thank you for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes. I can really relate to this. I had a really bad breakup when I was 21. I thought he was the one, we lived together, planned on getting married. I totally lost myself in the relationship. I wasn’t healthy, I wasn’t happy, I compromised too much of myself and had no friends. It was a bad place to be. The break up was devastating and I chose not to date anyone for almost 2 years afterward. I had a lot of healing to do. I had a lot of growing up to do.
I lived alone, no roommates, and paid my own bills…complete self-reliant for the first time. I spent the next few years finding myself, finding my voice, getting healthy and learning lots of lessons from other failed relationships.
All of that struggling and heart ache made me grow up, find myself, realize what I want out of life, and prepared me for meeting my REAL soul mate. My boyfriend Michael and I had some problems in the beginning of our relationship. I struggled with sharing my heart, giving all of myself, trusting. I was so used to living alone for 10 years and being by myself it was hard to suddenly be in a healthy, grown up relationship. We found our way and it’s been great ever since. :)
Worked up the nerve to comment for the second time…
Your post hit me like a ton of bricks today. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years just last night as part of a terrible and complicated situation. I’ve never felt so low in my self worth as I do today. Your entry gave me a glimmer of hope that I really need, so thank you for sharing.
Happy Valentines to you and Eric (and Sketchie!)
This is such an amazing post, and its something I can relate to so much. I had a horrible break up with the boy I thought I would marry. I was so convinced that we would get married, have kids, and live happily after. But back then, I didnt believe that loving yourself was really that important. I thought he could fix me, and I was so heartbroken when he wasnt willing to try anymore. It destroyed me, but in the end, taught me so much. Now Im my own favorite person, and I really think thats how it should be.
Thanks for sharing your story. Lovely to read, I love how you write as usual! PS I got married two weeks before you. Hooray for August 2008.
Thanks. I just broke up with my bf and I’m learning, slowly, how to love myself again.
This must be one of my most favourite posts of yours. I know you here this a lot, but you are truly my inspiration <3 Thank you so much Ange, I hope you have a wonderful Valentine's Day with both Eric AND yourself!
(And hey, while you're at it, you may as well give YOURSELF a box of chocolates – I mean, it is Valentine's Day for a reason..;) )
Plenty xoxo's!
Nat
Thank you for this post. (and I’m definitely taking your advice about the chocolate :) )
this is the best blog post ever. not only are you a beautiful writer, you have something beautiful to say. it makes me feel that anything is possible and that you can overcome any bridge you come across in your personal adventures and relationships. thanks so much. and yes on the chocolate!