Anxiety is something that I’ve been trying to understand and deal with my entire life. It works behind the scenes, constantly telling me that I can’t do this or I shouldn’t do that, while other people do those exact things seemingly without much grief. I’ve always been so envious of people, like Eric, who aren’t impacted by these constant worries and fears. To be able to do something so freely, is something I’ve always dreamed of my entire life. There are so many opportunities and experiences I’ve missed out on because of debilitating fear.
And that almost happened yesterday.
After enjoying a nice lunch out with my mom and John, Eric and I set out to tackle our next hike on the famous Camelback Mountain. Naïvely, we had no idea just how “strenuous” this climb would be. Still riding yesterday’s hiking high at Pinnacle Peak, we were eager to tackle the next mountain. We set out on the Echo Canyon trail- the most difficult climb of all 4 trails on the Camelback. We didn’t know this at the time though!
A website describes it as the following: “Beyond the first ¼ mile the hike up Camelback becomes physically demanding and potentially hazardous. The slope is quite steep in spots (there are hand rails and chains to steady your ascent) and the hundreds of trampling shoes have produced a fine coating of slippery, pulverized rock. Many hikers are very fit and use the trail for fitness training.” (source)
Right from the get-go we knew this would be a whole other kind of hike, and at first, I was excited.
The start of the trail is a series of large stairs and rocky parts, but nothing that we couldn’t handle. Within minutes, we arrived at a steep part of the mountain and this is exactly when my anxiety started to kick into overdrive.
I had to climb this…without killing myself?
The pictures really don’t do this climb justice, by the way. I took one look at it and told Eric I was turning back. “I can’t do this, I’m scared”. I felt paralyzed, unable to move forward.
“You can do it Ange! We’ll go slow and you can hold onto the railings as much as you need to. Look at all the other people who are doing it just like you can.”
Looking around, he was right; I wanted to be one of those people overcoming this amazing challenge. I took a deep breath and said, “I’ll TRY,” but expecting to fail. I never considered myself to be afraid of heights, but that became apparent as soon as I got half way up this first steep climb.
I stood there in fear once again unable to proceed. My anxiety was so strong I felt a bit panicked as I thought about how the hell I was going to get down. Eric gave me another pep talk.
“Do you want to let your anxiety win again and miss out on this experience? Imagine how proud you will feel when you overcome it.”
He was right.
I was sick and tired of letting my anxiety win. If I turned back, I was accepting defeat to my fears like I have done so many times in the past. I knew physically I was in good enough shape to climb the mountain, but it was my mind that I had to train. In the end, I decided to give my anxiety a big f-you, imagining myself sticking my middle finger up at the anxiety. As silly as it sounds, it was just the visualization I needed to set myself back on track and proceed forward.
If you would’ve told me I’d be hiking in a desert mountain and not worrying about rattlesnakes, I would have said you are crazy, but that was the last thing on my mind yesterday!
As we climbed and climbed, I felt more and more fear about how I was going to get down. I pictured myself getting stuck at the top and having to be rescued out. I told Eric this and we talked about how my anxiety leads me to think too much in the future, constantly worrying about things that probably will never happen.
“How about we take this climb one step at a time?” He asked.
Not only did I think that was a great idea, but I realized that this climb was a metaphor for life. I always worry about the future and I dream up bad outcomes that are “likely” to happen, so instead, I don’t bother doing them many times. This was exactly what I was doing on this mountain: self-defeating by thinking too far into the future.
“That’s a great idea.” I finally admitted. And that’s exactly what I tried to do for the rest of the hike. One step at a time. I wouldn’t think about the heights, falling, getting stuck, or slipping on a big rock and hitting my head. I would just think about which step I had to take next.
We climbed higher and higher and an hour passed. My confidence was growing, but the fear about getting down still lingered in my mind.
We finally reached the top after about an hour and 15 minutes (I’m not really sure as my Garmin lost reception!), and we were blown away by the 360 views.
“You wanted to quit”, Eric reminded me.
I was so glad that I didn’t.
We grabbed our bag and took out the energy balls that I made before leaving. I suspected we’d need some energy on this hike, but I never knew how much!
While standing at the summit and feeling proud, I decided to call them “Reach Your Peak” energy balls. It just seemed so fitting.
We bit into these crispy and chewy balls and suddenly everything seemed right in the world. Our energy lifted and I felt ready to tackle the long, steep descent.
“We better get going. Sundown isn’t far off.”, I worried looking at Eric’s watch reading 4:15pm.
The descent turned out to be fine and we just took it slow. The hardest part I had was not slipping on the rocks with my runners (proper hiking sneakers are highly encouraged!!), but we just took it easy. I was jealous of Eric’s long legs, able to reach the ground without having to stretch and slink downward on a big rock.
We finally reached the bottom of the mountain after about 2.5 hours, with legs like Jell-O and a pride for overcoming such an amazing challenge. This climb taught me so much and I felt myself feeling emotional by the end. I walked away feeling more proud than I felt after my half-marathon races.
I also realized after this hike just how much Eric enjoyed this type of activity. I’d never seen him so eager and excited about any type of “exercise” like this! And I use the term exercise loosely here, because while it’s a KILLER workout, that doesn’t seem to be the main point. It’s much more than that.
Eric kept saying how much he loved it, and I’ll admit, his confidence and enthusiasm was infectious.
I think we are hooked.
Here’s a short video I put together about our experience. Please excuse how tired I am in the video!!! Also, there is a really shaky part in the video that Eric taped, so if you get nauseous easily I would take caution when watching.
Now that I’ve overcome such a strong fear, I find myself asking: What else can I do?
Have you ever overcome a strong fear?
I am so sorry you had issues with anxiety on the trek. However, you proved how much of a rock star you are! The pictures are amazing btw. Great job.
wow is all I can say. what a day!!!
Thanks for sharing your post. In my younger years, growing up in Colorado, I used to rock climb. I remember only making it halfway up a climb before I started to shake sometimes because I would get a wicked case of the “What ifs”. It’s amazing how often I catch the “what ifs” in day to day life–what if I get sick, what if I lose a loved one, what if….And it’s true, climbing is a good metaphor for life. You just have to take a deep breath and make the next step, and breathe again and take another. And before you know it, you accomplish something brilliant.
Cheers to the first of many climbed mountains–both literal and metaphorical :)
:) I don’t know you personally, Angela, but I think what you did was really great. It’s always the anticipation that’s the worst, isn’t it? Once you’re doing it and especially when you reach the top (or whatever the goal is) it is always worth it. I try to work at saying “yes” more often than “no – i can’t” or “no – i shouldn’t” It’s super tough though :(
I love how Eric is so supportive of you, and even got you to get over the fear and just go climb that mountain!
This post reminds me of a quote I found on weheartit.com “20 years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain
Your pictures are beautiful!
What a fun hike!
I have generalized anxiety disorder and can relate with this post so. much. I have trouble even going to the bank or the DMV… or doing a lot of other things. It’s always an uphill battle. I think it’s great that you did this hike. Congrats!
Eric is so sweet and supportive! True love is so inspiring, as well as this story.
Thankss for sharing. overcoming fears is one of the greatest achievements in life!
We must always say I CAN instead of I CAN’T, because WE CAN DO IT. :)
Wow that does look really tough, but yay for conquering it!!!
I can definitely relate to you about the anxiety – I’m always worry about the future and what’s to come instead of just living in the moment. But on the rare occasions where I do let go of my worry, I always enjoy myself so much more!
beautiful pics! And great post! LOved it :)
Wow I’m so jealous of your trip! I grew up in Tucson but haven’t been there in like 10 years, its so beautiful. I usually read your blog from a distance (and feel kind of creepy reading about your life like anonymously haha) but I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for doing that hike! I go hiking with my boyfriend and experience a similar thing. My boyfriend does parkour and is very athletic and just bounds up mountains fearlessly. I get so scared of slipping or falling or hitting my head or especially of getting stuck that they are not always enjoyable experiences. It sounds like Eric is really great at helping you through this and knowing what to say to remind you that you can do it. I’m going to try the one step at a time next time I go! I don’t know if you ever visit upstate new york but there is a really great hike we went on near syracuse that was like totally deserted and very challenging yet beautiful, with most of the hike literally in a riverbed. Anyway, great job overcoming your fears and your ‘reach your peak’ energy balls are too cute. Are you staying in Phoenix or going anywhere else? Enjoy your trip!
P.S. I can’t believe you wore earrings hiking haha- you do not look like you just worked out in your video post! Im always such a mess afterwards
You’re enjoying yourself in my hometown. I now live in D.C. but hope to return home someday soon. Treat her well and have a good time!
Ange, It is so funny because hiking incredibly steep, dangerous mountains is what I live for but the things that YOU do (start your own company, have your own blog, etc) totally intimidate me and I think YOU are very brave! So, I think that you are a great role model for doing hard things and doing ANYTHING you really want to do!! You go girl!!!
So super proud for you! And happy to see someone else crabwalking down rocks. ;)
Yay Angela! To answer your question, YES, I have overcome fears in my life including ones steeped in anxiety and panic. The bottom line is that you can’t hide from these emotions, the key is to face them and realize that you can get past them (the fear is ALWAYS worse than the reality). I’m so proud of you!
I had a very similar experience at the ruins in Mexico. I wanted to climb to the top but was overcome by fear and anxiety. I thought about it for about 15 minutes and came to the realization that I would probably never be back here and didn’t want to look back on the experience and feel upset that I didn’t do it. So I did it and felt very accomplished, till I got to the top and looked back down and realized that I had to climb back down! Yikes. But now I always have the memory and the feeling of accomplishment just like you do now!
Thank you for sharing, you are a great inspiration!
Good for you Angela for conquering your fears and doing something you will remember for the rest of your life! Loved the little video too! When I watched it I saw a link for Sketchie meeting the washing machine… TOO CUTE! We need to see more of Sketchie on the blog!! :)
I’m so thankful for this post, Angela! I struggle a lot with anxiety, and this was a great eye opener that so much of it is worrying about the future. Everything seems so much more manageable if you remind yourself to take things as they come, one step at a time. Just what I needed today!
OK, I need to say this: You look so pretty & fresh in that video, I almost don’t believe that you taped that video after such a hike! ;)
Congrats on facing your fears, I’m sure you feel wonderful about it and those are the beautiful moments in life :)
While watching your video, my thoughts were, “I wish I looked that good after hiking Camelba–AHH, I recognize where they’re driving too!” /creep. It’s not every day one of my favorite bloggers is in the area. This was a really inspiring read, I’m glad you overcame your anxiety which made for a much better experience!
Good for you, Angela!!
I have been thinking about doing something for almost a year now, but haven’t for fear of failing.
Your post was such an inspiration. :)
P.S. – Oh and the carrot cake cookies turned out perfect this time; guess fourth time is the charm for me :)
Good for you, Angela. What an inspiring post.
Anxiety is such a horrible condition, you sum it up perfectly when you described it as working behind the scenes – mine certainly does. I wouldn’t wish it’s symptoms on my worst enemy.
Congratulations on tackling the mountain both metophorically and literally.
Best wishes :)
Way to go Angela!
Wow, what a hike and it’s so gorgeous!!! Beautiful photos!!
My strong fear I got over was lacking in self confidence and telling people No. I was always the girl that said ok. I’m stronger now, I don’t have to make everyone happy, because ultimately I need to make myself more happy. So I am learning to be independent, strong and not let people walk all over me!!
My boyfriend and I climbed it in November! I loved it, can you imagine having it in your backyard like the neighborhood that’s around there does? Congratulations on making it to the top!
Go Angela!! Looks like an amazing hike…that’s great Eric was there to support you!!
you are so gorgeous and inspiring! this sound exactly like a situation i would be in. It’s frustrating to know how much one has held back b/c of anxiety. Seeing all the things ‘you’ could have done is really sad. I love Eric was so excited and pushed you to finish the hike.
:) how stylish of you to wear dangly earings on a strenuous hike! so cute!
What a great post, Angela!!! I’m so glad to hear you didn’t give up and met your fears head-on. Eric gave the perfect advice too. I’m the exact opposite, I tend to think nothing bad will ever happen and jump right into things. Most of the time it has served me well, but there have been times when reflecting back, some assessment might have changed the course.
Plus, those views were amazing! So excited to hear about your visit to Sedona too (I’m assuming you’ve not been there before??).
While I’m a long time reader, I’ve never posted before…until you and Eric made your way to my city. Just had to say that I was on Camelback yesterday, too…wish we would have crossed paths!! Couldn’t have been a nicer day for a hike.
Any chance of a group meet-up while you’re in town? I seems as though there are a number of Phoenicians out there that might want to get together. In any case, enjoy your stay!!
Such a nice view from the top! Congrats on making it up to the top and back down – sometimes making it down is way harder than making it up!
oh man…I could imagine exactly what you were feeling at the bottom of that climb, because I would have felt exactly the same way. I’ve backed down from things soo many times due to anxiety. One of the main benefits I’ve taken away from running is confidence to try things that I never thought I would be able to do.
Thanks for being so open about something that’s difficult to talk about. Your post is inspirational!
Hi! Welcome to AZ! I love this post because while I don’t consider myself all that anxious of a person, I totally have anxiety over hiking Camelback. I have a friend who hikes it often and I’m always too chicken to go! It’s something I want to do, and I think I’m capable for sure, I just never do. You’ve inspired me to get out there and try it.
I hope you enjoy it!
Awesome!! Good for you!! :)
You go, girl! I watched the video on You Tube and that descent looks pretty scary! And to think you did it in running shoes. Yikes! I’m impressed! I like what you said about how your anxiety too often leads you to think of the future, and bad things that have not even happened and that probably will never happen. I often have the same struggle in a lot of areas in my life, especially when it comes to career choices. When I ‘think’ I am being realistic about my abilities (or lack thereof), a good friend of mine often reminds me that I am capable of much more, and always gives me that much needed push in the right direction (much like Eric does for you.) Thanks for posting this today!
Angela,
You are not alone. This type of anxiety plagues me too. I didn’t develop it
until after I had children. Suddenly, so many things seemed like unnecessary risks.
In some ways I think it is God given to help a Mother protect her children. In other
ways it can suck the joy out of life.
I am 50 today. My children are grown with children of their own. :)
I think I will make it a goal this year to do something that will get my
blood pumping and, remind me there is joy beyond keeping it safe.
I know I can do more than imagined. Before children………….at the age of 18
I joined the Army Reserves. The Army Basic Training is quite challenging.
I graduated with the hand written remarks of “Excellent Trainee” on my
permanent records. We started with 60 girls, only 40 graduated. Only 5
were given the honor of “Excellent Trainee” I was proud. I know that girl
still lives in this anxiety ridden “safety minded” body. I need to let her live a little. :)
I overcame my fear of heights, climbing Angel’s Landing at Zion National Park… now if that’s not a way to overcome a fear of heights, I don’t know what is. It’s the most beautiful way of overcoming a fear of heights that’s for sure. :)
Wow, great accomplishment physically and mentally! Love how encouraging Eric was in helping you overcome your fear, and how you responded positively. Examples of a great partnership in marriage!
Congrats – but how do you manage to look so good at the end of that hike?
Congratulations!! I did this hike a few years ago- AMAZING!! Not knowing the intensity, my dad and I originally set out to run it! Not quite… Needless to say our run afterwards was very slow and very short :) Enjoy your time surrounded by such beauty!
Ang, I did Camelback last spring and oh my GOSH is that slippery asscent scary! Congrats on overcoming your anxiety and conquering the mountain. Isn’t Arizona amazing? If you guys have time you definitely need to drive out to Sedona. It will take your breath away!
Eric is such a great husband for being patient, understanding and encouraging with you on this hike. I love hiking and heights but there was one particular hike that really had my knees shaking and my stomach doing flips – Angels Landing in Zion National Park, Utah. One section of the trail is a knife edge with 1000 foot drops on each side of the so-called trail.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/wolfcreeker/323370609/in/set-72157594418964339
CRAZY stuff! We took it slow and I made it to the top and, just like you two, we were rewarded with amazing views of Zion Canyon.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/wolfcreeker/323370665/in/set-72157594418964339
we live in phoenix and are avid hikers of the many trails arizona has to offer. just wanted to let you know, camelback trail is no cake walk regardless if you are armed with “reach your peak” energy balls.
regardless of your fears, you accomplished something worth celebrating.
congrats to you & your hubby.
well done ! !
p.s. we love your web site and what you bring to the world
thank you!
Angela! Congratulations on your climbing Camelback. Many years ago Ken went to a seminar given by a guy who had climbed Mount Everest. He took up rock climbing because he was afraid of heights. What a way to overcome your fears. In 2010 when I went to Ireland, I climbed to the top of Big Sugar Loaf. Had never done that when in Ireland before. I managed to talk myself through some difficult parts, as I wasn’t going to let my younger brother know how scared I was. Like you, I felt amazing when I had finished that climb. It is an AWESOME feeling. Keep up the great work.
What an awesome post about you overcoming your fear. :) I need to remind myself to take things one step at a time too as I often worry about what will happen in the future.
This is such an uplifting post. As someone who also thinks too far into the future (sacrificing the present), I really appreciated you sharing your struggles.
Also, what an incredible view!
WOW, phenomenal achievement to face that fear head-on and go for it!! Now whenever you face a life challenge you can stare it down and say, “You know what? I can DO this… I conquered Camelback Mountain!” Awesome.
A fear that stopped me from doing things over the years is public speaking. I was so afraid of it that I actually avoided taking courses in university if I knew that presentations were part of the curriculum. Sad, eh? (And some people find it so easy and comfortable, including my husband). Then, when a friend asked me to be maid of honour in her wedding a couple years later, I was thrilled until I realized… uh oh, that means I have to give a speech at the reception! But I was determined to not let that stop me from participating in her special day. So I prepared my speech, and though I felt nauseous most of her wedding day and had a hard time focusing on its importance (I was mentally obsessing about the upcoming speech), in the end I did fine and felt great afterwards. I had built the speech up to be this huge scary experience when it didn’t need to be. And I don’t want fear to rob me of the enjoyment of moments like that anymore.
Another thing I was scared to do was to start a blog. I sat on the fence about it for months. And even though it was something I really wanted to do, nagging negative questions kept popping up in my head: “Do I have anything interesting to say? I don’t even know what to write about! Will anyone read it? What if people don’t like it?” But finally I decided to just go for it. What the heck?! I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t.
We’re all works in progress, right? As long as we keep striving to improve and face our fears when they pop up, what more can we ask of ourselves?
This is the exact trail I was talking about in my comment on the last post! SUCH a sense of accomplishment getting up those crazy parts. I took photos also because I couldn’t believe I was going to haul my butt up those parts, but the photos don’t really do it justice at all. Steep and crazy but so gorgeous up top! CONGRATS to you!!
I’m glad you conquered your fear!! I liked the video because it gave me a chance to hear your voice & see your expressions. Maybe you could a do a video blog once in awhile????
That hike looks super awesome! I love hiking and I think it is so rewarding to be outdoors, enjoying a beautiful scenery, breathing fresh air, and getting a good workout. Reading this post totally reminded me of how I am… Uphill hiking is not a problem for me! However, I am scared to death of going down. I hold on to everything I can hold on to when going down, it is pathetic. I have the same fears with biking… uphill, easy… downhill, SCARY! Hopefully, I can get over this downhill fear. Great pictures!
This was such an inspiring post to read. I, too, struggle with anxiety, and it was so great to read about someone combating their fears. Thanks for your honesty!