Good morning!
Wednesday already. :)
I have been baking since 5:45am this morning, as I have a bunch of orders to get out before noon today. I started my morning off with some strong Japanese Sencha tea and then later on in the morning I had this juice composed of 1/2 cuke, 1 apple, 1 piece ginger, 1/4 lemon.
Breakfast this morning was Banana Soft Serve vegan Overnight Oats (recipe found here). I cannot even begin to tell you how much I love this breakfast!!
So I won’t. I’ll just show you the goods!
Omg.
I seriously could not handle how good this was this morning. 
I sprinkled the top with a few cacao nibs too.
As you can see below, today is NOT a Wordless Wednesday! :mrgreen: more like, Verbal Diarrhea Wednesday…but hey it all balances out, right? ;)
What To Do About A Jealous Friend
I received this email from a blog reader named ‘Amy’. Amy would like your opinion on the situation below. I too thought it would be a great topic for discussion!
“Hi Angela!
I have been struggling with something for awhile now and didn’t know if you had any advice/done a post about this, or might be willing to. I have a friend who is competitive with me when it comes to pretty much anything: exercise, diet, money, new gadgets/toys, etc. I don’t want to sound like I have a big ego, but honestly, I get the feeling that she is jealous of me and that is why she brags or makes comments that make me feel badly about myself.
To give you a little background, this friend (I will call her B) actually used to have an eating disorder. She was very thin when we were in college together, and never sought help for her ED. Flash forward 9 years later, and now B has 2 small children and is struggling to lose about 10-15 pounds from her pregnancies. My weight has fluctuated a little bit in the last 10 years, but currently I’m at the lower end of a healthy weight for my height. But I really feel like, because B never dealt with the issue of her ED, she has a way to bring out the ED tendencies in me – does that make sense?
Back in college I got a little more attention from guys than B. I guess that’s why I think B might be jealous, though I promise I have never brought that stuff up or "flaunted it" around her!
B also teases me in front of other people for eating healthy. For example, our friends get together a couple times a month and they usually bring a lot of sweets. If I bring something healthy or pass on the sweets, B will remark in front of everyone how she could never "deprive" herself of things like that. She’s said things like, "Well, I worked out for 2 hours today so I can have those things," or a couple of times she’s mentioned how she skipped a meal that day so she doesn’t feel guilty.
I feel conflicted because I don’t want to place all of the blame on her – I know I have some things I need to work on in my ED recovery. But also, because she never sought treatment for her ED and I feel as though she might be jealous, I feel like she’s putting me down/making remarks just so she can feel better about herself. And that’s not okay, either, right?
I know the easy solution would be to stop being friends with her, but we’ve been friends for over 10 years. Also, we have many mutual friends, including my 2 sisters. And sometimes we really do have a great time together – it’s just the comments she’ll throw in here or there that make me feel badly.So I guess my question is – do you or your readers have any insight/advice (other than ending the friendship) on how to deal with friends like this?”
I think this a problem that SO many women experience. Our relationships with other women are so complex whether it be relationships with female coworkers, classmates, sisters, mothers, or friends. Expectations are so high for women in today’s world. We are expected to have it all: a great job, a great relationship, a great body, great kids, a fancy car, while juggling all of it with a big smile on our face. I think this pressure can create a competitive atmosphere between women, especially women you have frequent contact with (friends, family members, coworkers).
My Jealousy Story
I used to be jealous of my happy friends who I thought had the perfect life. While I was never the type to externalize my feelings onto others, the jealousy ate me alive on the inside. No matter how thin I was, I was never good enough, and the grass was always greener on the other side. These feelings are bound to impact one’s relationships in one form or another, whether it is passive or overt.
My big turning point was realizing that jealousy was only setting me back in my progress to a better life. Sure there are things I cannot change about myself, but I realized I could be happy by being good to myself.
I often remind myself of this quote:
Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James
I was that girl who scanned for evidence to feed my jealousy. I truly don’t believe I could have gotten past it, had I not recovered from my eating disorder because then, and only then, did I believe that I had value. This doesn’t just apply to eating disorders, but it can apply to any struggle that we have in our lives. Only after I started seeing my value, did I realize that nothing about my friends or surroundings had changed. I didn’t suddenly have a stroke of good luck. The only thing that changed was my perspective. Everything else was the same, but everything was so different simply by changing how I viewed the world around me.
Because of my past, I can see where B gets her insecurities from, however that does not justify her actions. It is really difficult when you love a friend dearly, yet you feel like they bring negative influences into your life. Who wants to say to a friend, ‘I think you are jealous of me.’? Who wants to break-up with a long-time friend? I would probably ask my friend where the comments are coming from and if they wanted to talk about anything that is bothering them. Sometimes, if you probe a little, you find out that people just want to talk about something that is bothering them, but they can’t find a way to express it in a non-hurtful manner. Honesty is not always an easy thing for people, but I think if we all communicated a little bit more, many of our problems would go away.
If talking with your friend doesn’t help, there is really only so much you can do. Remember that good friends will be happy for you and your successes. Be wary of anyone who is trying to diminish your light. Sometimes no matter how hard you try, a person isn’t ready to change. How long you are willing to put up with B’s treatment is something only you can decide.
Today’s questions- Have you ever been in Amy’s shoes? Do you struggle with jealous friends or feeling jealous of other people? Have you ever had to ‘break-up’ with a friend?
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. ~Josh Billings
Oh, this is a tough one. I’m going through the same thing with a friend. She’s had the same job, a great job, for several years, and has just been accepted to grad school. She’s independent and I’m so proud of her.
But… she’s in her thirties and has never had a relationship. She also had to struggle in school just to make a passing grade. She has a severe learning disability and has spent her life feeling stupid. She tends to take these things out on myself and our mutual friend. Twice, she’s humiliated this friend in public, in front of said friend’s husband, about being a “slut” in school. She’s always making comments about how I’m scatterbrained and forgetful and stupid, even though I got excellent grades/awards throughout school. It hurts.
I don’t know what advice to give because I’m not sure how to handle my own situation. I think talking to jealous friends is a good idea, for those of us who can muster up the courage. Another thought I had is that maybe our friends can learn from our example. I intend to contact my own jealous friend and congratulate her and tell her how proud I am of her. Maybe she’ll learn from my example that this is how friends behave. They’re happy for each other, even if they find certain areas of their own lives lacking (I’d love to go to grad school and have an awesome job, and I can’t see that happening — but I’m still happy for her!).
Good luck, Amy!
I really know where “Amy” is coming from…I had a similar experience with my mother, of all people. She did not enter my life until I was a pre-teen (for various reasons) and when she did, it was as though she was always competing with me – sometimes even for guys (in my teen years)! She would make remarks about my body and I felt she was jealous of my youth. I found it extremely disturbing. There were MANY other issues, but this was one aspect of it.
It was very, very difficult for me to confront her and it actually took me about 10 years to muster up the courage. I eventually told her how I felt about her behaviour and actions toward me, and the situation did not improve, so I ceased all contact with her.
I know that “Amy” doesn’t want to end the friendship, and I understand that, but at what point are you just holding onto a friendship that isn’t beneficial for either party?
I would really try approaching “B” and express your concerns. I wouldn’t say “you are jealous of me” or anything accusatory, but talk about the tangible behaviors i.e. her comments and rude remarks. Ask her if YOU have done something to hurt her and if that is why she makes those comments? I find by casting the emphasis unto yourself as opposed to her, she will feel less threatened. Talk about how the remarks make YOU feel poorly about yourself.
I would give it a few months to see if the relationship improves. If not, just slowly distance yourself. You do not necessarily need to “break-up” in the sense that you explicitly tell her that “we are no longer friends,” but make a point to hang out with her only in situations where other people are there, or not at all.
You only have ONE LIFE….why spend it with people who make you feel you’re not worthy?
I lost a few friends when I lost my weight. Sometimes you just have to move on. If they are REALLY friends, they will be supportive and understanding–without conditions. Don’t absorb their anger or jealousy and make it your own.
I don’t really have advice, but I can totally relate to this statement about how the friend will say, “Well, I worked out for 2 hours today so I can have those things, or a couple of times she’s mentioned how she skipped a meal that day so she doesn’t feel guilty.” I hear that ALL THE TIME from friends, people at work, my boyfriend’s mom, etc. “Well, I can have this cookie, all I’ve had to eat today is yogurt and an apple.” And that drives me BATTY…partly, I’ll be honest, because I don’t deprive myself like that, so I wonder if there’s something wrong with me eating the treat even though I did have breakfast and lunch, or whatever. I just feel like so many women feel the need to act superior to other women all the time, and I don’t get it!
I’m mad because I absolutely cannot get the banana soft serve to work! (Mad at myself that is) It keeps coming out brown and icky tasting. I’m freezing fresh bananas, but they turn brown in the freezer somehow before they get all the way frozen? Advice??
hmm strange! I have never encountered this before. Are you putting them in a ziplock bag or sealed contained?
Some people think it’s strange that I think of friendships as relationships. Just like in romantic relationships, it’s possible to grow apart and to break up. I have definitely broken up with certain friends, and while it was very painful, I can’t say that I’ve ever regretted my decision.
ugh. our “women culture” breeds just as much negativity as it does positivity. “amy” — honesty is truly the BEST policy. next time she throws a demeaning comment in your direction, wait for a moment where you can pull her aside and ask her about it. tell her it hurt your feelings. ask her WHY she said it and WHY she says things like that period. ask her why she cannot just RESPECT the fact that you pass on sweets and tend to eat healthier than most. “b” CANNOT READ YOUR MIND. she has NO idea you’re thinking all these things! let her know and see if her behavior changes. if it does, then i’m sorry to say the next best step to securing your personal happiness would be to end the friendship, or at least distance yourself substantially. negativity breeds negativity and i KNOW you don’t want that. so try playing the honesty card and see where it gets you. hope that helped some!
great post, angela. i struggle with being the “jealous girl.” i never say anything out loud but internalizing it literally tears me apart. it’s a daily struggle but i’m really trying to practice some good old fashioned self-love. you make it seem SO easy though! (and trust me, i know it’s not). i just feel silly whenever i tell myself “you are BEAUTIFUL. you are STRONG! you are *insert positive remark here*. the little voice in the back of my head never seems to go away, even when i’m trying so hard to squash it down.
I think you can tell yourself all the compliments in the world, but unless you get at the root of the issue (why you don’t value yourself) those words wont mean a thing.
Mmm that breakfast looks amazing :)
I can totally relate to how Amy is feeling about her friend. I had a friend and workout buddy who would ask me, “oh, what are you eating for dinner today” after we worked out in the evenings. I would usually tell her something like a salad with garbanzo beans and nuts, and an apple for dessert. I have always been a pretty healthy eater, and she knew that. Then she would respond, “oh that’s not enough! You don’t eat enough, you need to eat more!” Then when I’d ask her what she was having for dinner, she would say, “I don’t usually eat dinner. I’m not hungry after I work out.” She would try to make me feel bad in TWO ways- 1) that I “didn’t eat enough” and 2) that I ate TOO MUCH, because she didn’t eat after working out!
She was a very negative person in general, always putting others down, commenting on how “fat” or “lazy” our friends and acquaintances were. It was a toxic friendship and for some reason I let her make me feel horrible about myself! Eventually I got sick of it and just had to stop spending time with her, and stop answering her calls.
I know that Amy can’t do that with her friend- since they’ve been friends for so long- so she may need to talk to her. I wish I had talked to my friend about the way she made me feel because it is pretty awkward when we run into each other now!
Girls definetly do that to each other (bring out ED) Heck, my mom does it sometimes, too! Jealousy is a terrible thing, especially its combo with lack of self worth
I don’t have any advice, but I can really relate to the words from Jennifer James.
I can totally relate to this. Women really have a tendency to bring each other down to build themselves up…but in the end it’s not fulfilling. To me, being jealous and especially ACTING on jealousy is a lose/lose situation. You don’t end up feeling any better for making someone else feel like crap.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories!!!
I’ve had to break up with a few negative friends over the last 5 years… As I’ve gotten older, it has become easier to see who my true friends are. B is not being a friend and when I have been in that situation, it has been best to just put as much distance in that relationship as possible. Don’t ‘nuke the bridge’, just don’t be as avail… ease out of it a little at a time. Just bc you have known some one for a long time does not give them the right to mistreat you ;)
I must try the oats they look so good and I need a change from my standard breakfast.
The jealousy issue, we cannot change how others feel or react to what we do or say, have you tried to just letting it roll off and not affect you? Just smile and change the subject, I do not believe you need to respond or explain why you have refused a treat. I would also say though that she is not really a friend if she purposely tries to make you feel bad about yourself.
I think the original poster should contact a professional counsellor about dealing with this problem.
Yes, In fact I just “broke up” with a friend a couple of days ago…..It sucks. However, I’m at an age now ( 34 ) that I no longer have the patience to deal or have this BS ( jealous friends ) in my life….I’d rather be alone:)
Been there, done that. It’s a stressfull situation and I found my way out of it by breaking up the relationships with people who were hideous to me. I hope Amy will find a way to talk to her friend, so that she won’t lose her but in the end if someone is not ready to change it’s not your problem. Good Luck!!!!
Sometimes I find myself feeling a tinge of jealousy over a friend for something like a job promotion, amazing hair or skin, or success in losing weight. The easiest way for me to deal with it is to just tell them. I’ll tell them how jealous I am, but also how happy I am for their success. If I truly care aobut them as a friend, the happiness always outweighs the jealousy. And if they are truly my friend, they always have encouraging words that I can use for motivation.
It’s important for us to build each other up and not tear each other down!
I’ve been there, too! I still feel like I have have a bit of a competitive relationship with a couple close women in my life, but I’ve grown to accept that the jealousy/competitiveness is just going to come and go with time. I think it’s common and normal– to a point– and I just try to keep my wits about me when I feel the need to compete. Sometimes it lights a fire in me to take better care of myself, too! So that’s a perk, I guess.
I have, however, had an un-healthy relationship with a girlfriend, and it finally got to the point where I did have to break it off! It was hard, but I was very confident with my decision. In fact, I felt so free and happy, I knew I had made the right choice! Fortunately, I don’t have to run into that person anymore, so it was a pretty smooth transition, but I’m sure it would be harder if you have to see them more often! Good luck!
That is definitely a great idea, asking if there is something that is bothering her friend. Sometimes some honest communication can make things worse at first, but then open up new possibilities.
That’s a tough situation for Amy. I would say to limit contact bit by bit and try saying things like “Everybody’s different”, or “we all have different tastes”, when B (or anyone) makes such comments. B is probably talking to her former self – not Amy. B probably HATES how she used to deprive herself of things and may think Amy is doing the same thing. Sometimes former ED gals are the hardest on others who struggle/or have struggled with ED. We want SOMEONE to blame the pain on. Most of the time when someone is mean to me, I just remind myself, its the pain talking, not them. This makes it easier to move on and not feel hurt and its usually true :-) *Hugs* all around!!
I have felt this way a LOT! I don’t know if it’s stemming from jealousy or what, but I’m in college and have roommates (who are also my best friends) who often make fun of the things I eat. I’m very open about my health consciousness, and I’m a vegetarian, but I never try to push my ways on them. When I make myself a healthy lunch, they will point to something like my hummus and comment about how gross it is. Or they’ll ask why I am putting spinach in my smoothie in a judgmental tone. Lately I’ve found myself “hiding” my food or trying to eat when they aren’t home so I don’t have to face their ridicule! When we go out, I will order just a gin and tonic or vodka water and I get made fun of by all my friends for not going the typical syrupy mixer route (like their favorite cherry vodka sour).
I know this is ridiculous seeing as I’m just trying to be the best and healthiest version of myself, but I don’t know what to do because I feel like it’s two against one..anyone else in college dealing with this?
I have not experienced this specifically, but I WAS that jealous girl once. It took me a long time to accept my life for the amazing, wonderful one that it is, and not think the grass was greener when I was thinner, or more like one of my friends… it isn’t! My life is perfect as it is :)
Great, great advice!
xo
K
Im de-lurking to say hi- love your blog! Keep up the great writing and inspiration
I remember some posts back you gave some advice on startingt blogs, right? I cant find that post!
Thx!
Ayla
I have 1 acquaintance who is insanely jealous of everything in my life, and others lives as well. She constantly tries to cut me down or what I do down. She brags, lies, and is a complete drama queen. It is exhausting.
End it. Toxic relationships are no good. And she doens’t have to split on bad terms. Just start phasing that friendship out and if the girl asks her about it she can be honest. Or be honest up front and say she won’t be able to spend as much time with her because of how she’s acting. The friend will either get the message and work on being less competitive and jealous or will transition out of her life. I had to let go of an entire group of toxic friends who I considered as close as family. It was hard but the BEST decision I’ve ever made and my friendships and relationships now are SO MUCH better!
I think on the situation with B, that she probably doesn’t realize how negative her comments are. I hear a lot of things like that (I could never deprive myself) from numerous people in my life and my interpretation is that they know they should be eating better and on some level feel guilty about that and are just trying to make themselves feel better.
Trying to work things out with people is always a better option than ending the relationship (unless of course it is abusive, creepy, etc.), and I think the best approach Amy could take is to choose to take the comments in a different light than she has previously or talk to B about how she feels when B says things like that.
My mom has a “tree face” on her huge oak tree in the back yard. It always freaks out my sister’s son…he’s only 2 and points at the tree and says “tree should not have face”…it’s hilarious! And he’s right! lol
I don’t know if I’ve been dealing with jealousy or not, but I have been dealing with a huge lack of support by my family and friends. For the past year or so I have been trying to really workout hard and eat healthy. I even started my own “Whittle My Middle” group with some friends who were interested (that fell apart because they all lost interest and lacked any kind of motivation).
Now, you have to understand that I have always been a smaller girl, never have I struggled with my weight. Both of my sisters have been jealous of me because as they put it, “I’m the skinny one”. I really wanted to start focusing on my health though, and getting fit, not skinny. I was really hurt when people started putting me down for wanting to workout and be healthy. I’d tell them about my workouts and about the new food I was eating and I’d get comments like, “You’re fine, you don’t need to eat like that.” or “Why do you care so much about that? You don’t need to get any skinnier.” I’d get really excited about my workouts and they would just roll their eyes.
I’m a mother of 2 and just found out I’m preggo with #3. I’ve been wanting to get into shape with this 3rd pregnancy but it’s hard when nobody will give you their support. My older sister gained A LOT of weight with all 3 of her pregnancies and didn’t lose much of it afterwards. She finally decided enough was enough and jumped into a healthy lifestyle. Now she works out everyday and is extremely fit. Everybody has been so supportive to her and cheering her on the whole way. I just don’t understand why it was okay for her to be concerned about her health just because she was overweight. Shouldn’t getting healthier be a good thing, period?
Sorry for the rant, but it’s been a sore subject for me. Anyone else struggle with this?
Hi Angela,
I am so glad you and Amy addressed this issue! I have had to break up with a group of girlfriends before which was not an easy thing to do. We were friends from high school but over the years these ladies became toxic influences in my life. There were serious jealousy issues within the group, they all talked about each other behind their backs and I never felt like these women would celebrate my success with me. They would have wanted to diminish my light instead of encourage me to shine.
After a couple rough months I decided I was done. I could no longer see myself being friends with these ladies. It’s funny that with a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship there is the expectation that there could be a break up. People enter into these types of relationships knowing that it could end. However, I feel like with friendships there is this unspoken assumption that your friendship will never end.
As much as it was hard to break free from that group of women, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. Now that I don’t have these people in my life that were dragging me down and making me unhappy, I have more time to focus on my true friends – the one’s that build me up, challenge me, encourage me and love me for who I am.
End of essay :)
your banana soft serve/overnight oats parfait looks to-die-for!!!!! ahhh i can’t wait to try that out.
i loved this post.. so relevant, to all women, everywhere! you have so many good things to say =)
Angela this is my first comment i loveeeee ur blog all the way from egypt so im ur number one fan in egypt lol im passing it on to all my friends :-)
i have to comment on this i hv a friend like that but her prob was different she is totally in love with a common friend who is a major player and since he hits on everyone i was one of the girls she hated on
she wld make snide remarks abt everything she wld exclude me from events with our other friends and it annoyed the hell out of me
at first i tried helping with her insecurities by telling her for instance (she hates her teeth) i proposed that she cld have braces done or have her teeth bleached and that there are so many options these days
the thing is that this completely failed because sometimes ur friend will resent you even more for being wiser and helping them
the other option which kinda worked i tell her my own insecurities and show her that the grass isn’t greener but without making it into a whine fest just sharing the difficulties i have too and i also compliment her alot to help build her esteem
I will say I had a friend actually BF who was my maid of honor. We went to nursing school together. We did most everything together. We had a lot of fun. We would study, go to dinners, go out dancing and flirting with men til all hours of night and go home and crash at my place usually since I had my own apartment. There was something I never could quite put my finger on, but was off. Everything I did she did. She wouldn’t really want to ever shop with me. And I found she really had no hobbies other than an occasional walk or exercise at the gym. She really just wanted to go out and drink. Later, I noticed she would constantly have one thing planned after next and never felt like she could stay the morning after going out and relax have some breakfast and talk about the night. She started to say things to me that made me question myself. As in am I a good friend? We would go out with my friends because actually she didn’t have any other friends or high school friends that I knew if except one female she went out with and then all of a sudden they were no longer friends. My friend has an eating disorder I later learned and I remember her throwing up but I just associated it with the alcohol. I met my boyfriend ( future husband) and she became extremely angry with for wanting to spend time with him and accused me of using her for her pool. Not to mention she told me her Dad said that I was and that I was going to stop hanging out with her. She clung on for dear life and asked me to go out so much and called non stop. When we were with my friends( that I always included her) she would get there numbers and sometimes only talk to “my friends” as if I wasn’t even there? Kinda odd. I can go into detail how she tried to make out with my brother and leave and go to hotel with him. And she constantly would ask me questions like aren’t you lonely? When she finally got a boyfriend I was never allowed to meet him for I we two years I guess they dated and she would call me to let me know that a couple of our mutual college friends were coming over for a cook out and how she was going to dinner with so and so and NEVER invited me. Yet, somehow I was always made to feel guilty for ” not being a good friend.” It’s been about 8 years and I’m now married with two kids and she just got married and has one child. She wants another one.. She has really said some hurtful things and left me out and punished me for a very long time for meeting my husband. She would come into my house and look around and notice anything new I got and make comments on it. She would jokingly make fun of my child. She was never there for me and basically the day I got my boyfriend she spent years punishing me, yet I never knew it. I always thought it was me or guilty. I’m now moving and couldn’t make it to her reception of her wedding, but bought her shower stuff with another friend and went out for her bachelorette party. She gave me HE’LL for not coming to reception and I said you know what leave me alone! All you ever do is give me grief! And this was after I have her a ton of my sons old toys free as well.. I said you have held a grudge and punished me for so long and that’s all you do and her comment to me was well how can I hold a grudge against you now that your moving? OMG! The saddest moment of my life- she was NEVER really a friend.
That’s horrible. Glad that u broke away from her tho
I looked this up because I am facing a problem too. My friend is jealous and mad because I may be on tv for my baking skills. We own a mini baking business together, and if I bring it up at all, she fairies the comments. ” ( my name) we know, we are all very proud!” Or ” that’s nice” on our blog people post things like ” you can do it!!!” And she said that if I didn’t want her in the business then she would quit. She also said that I was always the main owner. She is mad at me, no I don’t know what to do. If we need any orders, I can’t bake for a week because of all of the baking that I did for the show. I can’t tell her I can’t get the orders . Then next time that B comments on something Amy should ask if something is wrong. She may or at not say anything, just a thought!