Pressure In College

Wow, Angela! What a great opportunity for Becky to get a lot of advice.

I was never forced into doing anything I didn’t want to, but I always felt that I had to take whatever job was available.

Only recently I’ve started doing what I really love, and it has made such an amazing difference in my life. My work does not feel like work! I love doing it, it is rewarding on so many levels, and I wish I would have started this a long, long time ago!

My advice to Becky is this: Sit down with your parents and have a heart-to-heart talk with them. Explain how you are feeling. You need to follow your heart, and do what makes you happy! If science isn’t your thing after all this time, chance are, it never will be. If you know what you love to do, pursue that.

Good Luck!!! and let us know what happens!

Angela, thanks for your blog, I love it!

I had a similar experience choosing between a performing arts college where I could excel at dancing or a business school to pursue an actual career. My parents were supportive of ANYTHING I wanted to do which was amazing, but for me it came to being honest with my goals, abilities and future plans. I knew that I wanted to have a family and a comfortable life, but I also wanted to be inspired by whatever I was doing. Right now I am studying marketing and dancing on the side, which is making me very happy at the moment. I think it is all about balancing your wants and being honest with yourself about your capabilities.

Oh Goodness can I relate! I did come out of college with an English degree with honors….but have spent the years since wandering and miserable. Last summer my therapist had me take a personality test, and when I came up as an “Artist” I had a lot of bells go off. The intellect was very important in my family, and starting in middle school I forced myself to academic excellence because that was what was expected of me. Denying my creativity…or limiting it to ‘hobby’ was probably the worst thing I ever did to myself! At 36, I’m only now allowing for the possibility of a more creative lifestyle….and after denying that for over 20 years, believe me it’s hard to let go and play with that idea. But it’s never to late…and at least I’m now finally moving in the right direction!

You HAVE to do what you want to do. I studied accountancy for three years. The first two years were okay and I just trundled along but I did find the course extremely boring. Third year was terrible. I was swamped with the workload and finding the coursework hard and STILL with the boring.

I felt sick, ill, stressed and depressed. I knew what I had to do. I managed to switch to another course and I made sure to finish up my study year. I knew that my parents would be disappointed but I know that they would rather have me doing something I would be happy in rather than make myself unwell over it.

Anyway to cut a long story short I am now studying law and I love it! I just wanted to let you know that you have to do what is best for you. I hope you get to switch majors if you choose to do so. Staying on and doing something that you don’t like just isn’t worth it, trust me! x

I’ve never had pressure from parents, but I definitely am miserable. I left college after 3 years of not knowing what I wanted my degree to be. Flirted with audio arts, and right when I switched it to journalism, I left school. I was going through an identity crisis.
I have moved all over because I want to constantly move. Now I am with my boyfriend in Ohio, working as a receptionist at a salon and spa. Love the people here, hate the job. I don’t quite know what I’d like to do. I love baking. I love health. I love photography. I love motorcycles. My dream job would be photojournalism. Or doing photo shoots for magazines. Anything that would be creative and demanding. I just don’t know how to get to what I want. Don’t know the steps I should take. I feel so lost.

I can definitely relate to Becky’s story!

I spent the past 3 years in an undergrad program for biomedical science and I hated it! About a month ago I realized that my true passion lies in health and nutrition, and so I made the switch to Nutritional Studies. I have to do an extra 2 years of undergrad, but it’s totally worth it because I know I’m on my right path now. :)

Good luck to Becky! I really hope you follow your heart and do what you want!

I have to remind myself to look before I leap and not get ahead of myself.
I want to start my own business, but I know now that my day-job subsidizes my other interests. As long as I stay focused it won’t get in the way and it allows me the flexibility to pursue lots of different things.

My heart goes out to you Becky! I agree with Angela. I know it’s hard, I KNOW, to change the direction of your life, especially when you feel you will be letting others down. But I bet you if you have a heart to heart with your parents and tell them how you really feel, they will understand. They love you, after all! I was in school to be a teacher and I HATED it but I stayed because I thought it was the “right” thing to do. Bad decision. I ended up depressed, unhappy, moody, etc. until I woke up and realized that hey, life is too short to be unhappy!! I was afraid of what my parents would say but I went to them and explained it all and told them what I wanted to do, go to culinary school, and they supported me 100%! I quit school 1 semester before I was supposed to graduate to pursue culinary school. Some may think i’m crazy but I followed my heart, and that is what is important. Parents want the best for their children so they will push them to be all that they can be but they also love you and want you to be happy!

I didn’t have that sort of pressure thankfully as I grew up in a very blue collar family and was one of the few to actually go to school beyond high school!

But, I have to say Angela, THANK YOU for posting the link to your journey from hell and back. I’ve honestly done NO work this afternoon from reading it all. This year I went back to school to finish up my degree (ten years later) and was contemplating on getting my Masters afterwards. Recently, however, I have come to realize that a) I’m not prepared to commit my life to it, and b) I don’t think I actually need it. Reading your experience has confirmed that my time and money are best left to put towards things that will actually HELP my career and life in general. Like you, I’ve always wanted to help people but never knew exactly what it was, specifically, I wanted to do. But I’m starting to slowly figure that out and reading your posts today as cemented the fact that things are changing for the better in my life in regards to figuring that out. You and your story truly give me hope that I’m not crazy and that I CAN and WILL do this! Thanks!

I am going through Becky’s situation right now!! I finally broke free of the pressure my family put on me and while it has NOT been easy, it has been totally worth it because I am finally making decision that I want to make for myself!

I would love to exchange emails with Becky so please tell her to contact me if she would like and we can talk about it!

I love when you post about your story Angela. Since I am living in the middle of a similar situation, reading your story again and again gives me the strength and courage to keep pushing out of my miserable career and into the right career for me. I can’t wait until I am on the other side like you and can share with people my story!

Becky, I just read your story and my heart is breaking for you. I am an attorney who after 15 years, decided to no longer practice law. Law was never a good fit for me from the get go. I went to law school and did well. I had good jobs and received praise from my bosses. The thing is, I confused being good at what I do with being happy with what I do. My personality is so ill-suited to being an attorney that it is almost funny. I hate conflict and arguing with people, yet I have been a civil litigator for my whole career. I left my job over a year ago, without another one lined up. I have NEVER done that before, yet I do not regret the decision for a moment. I don’t know what I want to do next, but I do know that I no longer want to practice law. I’m certain of it. This is a decision I was not strong enough to make when I was younger, but I know myself a lot better now.

My advice to you is to talk to your parents. If you can not find the words, print out the letter you wrote to Angela (and all of the wonderful comments) and show it to them. I am a parent now. Although my oldest is only 4 years old, my hope is that, when the time comes, I will encourage my sons to do what makes them happy. I think, as parents, that is what most people want for their children. Perhaps your parents believe that the prestige and financial security that come along with being a doctor will lead to happiness – and in many cases it does, but not for everyone. All of the money and position in the world will not be able to fulfill you if you miserable inside.

I wish you the best.

Having been there, I definitely say live what you love! What’s that saying? “Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that. Because what the world needs is people who come alive!” Or “Leap and the net will appear!” I think kids know what they came here to do (before society/family brainwashes them). I always *knew* that I would be a teacher, so I got straight A+’s, got told that I was “too smart to be a teacher,” ignored those comments, went to university, hated it with a passion, moved back home, studied via correspondence in a field that truly interested me but unfortunately would not allow me to become a teacher… and am now teaching my own workshops without having to follow some outdated curriculum! It didn’t happen half as easily as I just wrote it, but being unhappy every day of your life is infinitely more difficult than following your heart and learning to go with the flow! I think we all have a feeling of what we want to do, but you just have to be open to outside-the-box ideas and just do what you love, day by day… It’s a journey, not a destination! I haven’t read all the comments, but for Gaia3465 and anyone else feeling the same way, I have to recommend a couple books I’m actually reading right now: “Refuse to Choose” and “The Renaissance Soul.” I’m not even halfway finished either of them, but just picking it up at the bookstore and reading the cover changed my whole perception of myself. I would feel so trapped and suffocated if I had to choose only one career path! We have to listen to our feelings – if you’re miserable now, “toughing it out” isn’t going to help you! I get concerned looks and comments from people all the time because nothing about my life is “stable” or “steady” or “safe,” but when I was so unhappy in university, no one even seemed to notice. People being unhappy in their work is so common that it’s become completely normal… so much so that if you come home from work happy simply because you love what you do, people think that you’re not working hard enough! And yet if you go through the motions like a zombie everyday and come home drained and miserable, THAT’S contributing to society! Basically, right now, you’re not happy and it doesn’t sound like your parents are that happy either. If you decide to follow your heart, your parents might not be happy (although I’d be willing to bet that they won’t be quite as upset as you think… who knows, you might inspire them… in time!)… but YOU will be happy! You’ve got my support! *No one* has ever made great things happen by playing it safe.

i think most people will be able to relate to Becky. sadly i know many of my friends who didnt stand up for themselves and choose the path they wanted. theyre stuck in a state of anxiety and grief over the path theyve chosen and continue to walk on.

I’m in a job right now that I hate,hate,hate. I would love to go to college or take some courses in health & dietary but that is something that I can not afford to do.

I’m in my early 40’s and I have just discovered what I want to do with my life… and that is to find a job in health and fitness. It so far out of reach it makes me sad. But I’m going to try and find a way to make my dreams come true. Right now, I’m working on my blog and I love it. It’s a little glimmer of hope. :)

Love this post and I can really relate. I wanted to be a college professor because I had a lot of pressure from my parents to choose a career they thought was worth my time. I eventually finished my Master’s Degree and taught for a couple years after my program ended but truthfully I was miserable. So I quit. Then, I got a job working for an amazing company but it just wasn’t where I saw myself in 5 years.

Life is really too short to do something you are not passionate about. Now here I am, making jewelry and blogging. I love every thing about my life. I may not be super “successful” yet in jewelry or blogging but I know that I am at least on a path that I chose, not anyone else and that feels just as good.

I always think of this quote when I think of my career change:
“A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play; his labor and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing, and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. To himself, he always appears to be doing both.” LP Jacks

i can relate to the person who sent the email 110%, I’m a BioMedical sciences major, its insanely stressful but my parents are pressuring me to stay at a school I really dislike to study for a field I don’t even know if I want to go into..everyone keeps telling me to stick it out, and because I’m about to finish up my sophomore year of college I feel like its to late to switch anyways..

Man, this was ME a year and a half ago. I was seriously unhappy in my Chemical Engineering degree, and was finally convinced by my now-fiance that I should change my major because I was so miserable. I switched to Food Engineering, which wasn’t a huge change, but worked for me. Now, I kind of wish I had gone all the way and switched to Food Science and just ditched the engineering part… I don’t plan on doing any engineering when I graduate next month!

I’m going to make it work for me, but I urge you (Becky) to go with your gut and make the change. You will be so much happier in the long run. Do you want to look back on your time in college as miserable?

Becky, please feel free to contact me if you want to talk more. I know how you feel!

I had a similar experience, but it was related to religion, not school. I walked away at 20 years old, even though it meant sacrificing my relationship with my family and everyone I had grown up with. It was hard, but I never second-guessed myself. When you feel something in your gut, you have to listen. In the end, your parents are still going to love you. Do what makes you happy, Becky.

I am there right now. My dad always want me to do something related to science or the healthcare field. I started my first year last fall, I picked life science mainly just for my parents. But I really hate it. Can’t do chem at all, tear up in class or when I am studying. I decided this is not going to work for me, why should I do something I hate and suck at? I am planning to switch to psychology and anthropology, not sure how am I going to tell my parents yet, too scared to.

200 bars, wow. Pretty soon you might have to hire some more staff :)

I am still studying my arts degree, I guess I am sort of in Becky’s situation because I don’t really get science and stress is inevitable when we’re in uni. However, I only had strong parental pressure from my parents during my high school years and first year of uni because my parents believed that I was for sure going to get in medical school. Med school has always been my goal and will still be. Though I am doing my arts degree in psychology with spanish and german, my parents have given up on trying to talk me into doing hard science papers. At a point they even told me that I can do whatever it is that I am comfortable in doing, but I told them I still have passion for med school, I am just taking my time, so that I can learn other things besides science. The world doesn’t revolve around science, there are many things that can affect our health and I believe medicine is about socialisation as well.

I know how it’s like to not conform with the crowd and listen to your heart.

I’ve never been in Becky’s situation before, I have been very blessed to have super supportive parents. But right now I am finding myself in the situation where I’m less than a month from graduation, I don’t have a job, and I still don’t know exactly what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’ve been applying for and interviewing for jobs, but until I’m actually at one working I don’t think I’ll know what is right for me. But after reading this post, I know now that if I’m unhappy with a career in the future I shouldn’t wait to find something that will fulfill my passions.

Thank you for posting this, it helps provide so much clarity and so much inspiration!

(First Comment!)

I actually had the opposite issue, I wanted something different then what my parents thought I should do. It took a lot of soul searching and some pretty hard choices to make me realize that I can been running away from a path that was perfect for me, just because everyone wanted me to do it.

I just got my Masters (Archival Science) and while I’m currently job searching in my field – I couldn’t be happier with the choice I made to follow in my Mother’s footsteps (same broad field, different focus)!

my parents are very supportive and have never pressured me into ANYTHING. I love them for that. they just let me follow my dreams, my mom made a suggestion awhile ago, saying I should get into Nutrition, and thats what i am doing currently!

I have felt pressure – and still do at times. I have, however, learned to make time for the things I enjoy…..fitness, photography, cooking and blogging :) It is now so a part of my daily routine that I am one happy girl!

For me it wasn’t intense pressure from my parents, but I definitely had the general feeling that they thought I should pursue a business degree because that would leave me with a lot of options and help me make a lot of money.
I decided not to go down this road and to become a teacher instead. Once I got serious about what I wanted to do and showed I had a plan, my parents supported me 100 percent. Of course, there are always days I wish I would’ve listened to them haha…but really I know I wouldn’t have been happy going down a road that wasn’t my own.

Wow. That made me quite sad to read.

My wish for Becky (and others who have similar feelings of pressure from family) is that she find the courage to send her parents the same post that she sent to OSG. It would be very hard, I am sure. But I think that deep down they just want her to be the best, most happy person that she can be. But they are stuck in that mode that parents get into and get stuck on – having their kids live their dreams and not allowing them to pursue what THEY themselves want to do.

Maybe they just need to be told? Maybe once they read something like what she wrote they would feel sad that they have done this to her? Maybe they would tell her to do what makes her happy… God, I hope so. Especially when she already has a pretty defined passion – that is huge! I really hope that she gets to live the life that she wants.

Wow. I felt like I was reading about my own situation from the beginning of this year! I’m a senior in high school, and am headed to college in the fall. I can’t explain how many times I’ve heard go medical, major in a science from my family. They told me that it was a better work environment, and medicine and science in general was the only stable career. It doesn’t help that my sister is pre-dental either. It took a year to fully convince my parents that being a doctor was just not for me. Everyone has their own strengths and going through with a decision that will make you unhappy down the road is not worth it. Your parents do not have to wake up everyday to study subjects for a career that will make you miserable. Although my parents always wanted a doctor for a daughter, I know that they will get over it with time. I’m planning on majoring in international business and go to law school studying international law.
I couldn’t be happier :) because it was a decision I made–not my parents.

Aww, thanks for sharing this story! I have also had some pressure on me to go into medicine, except unlike Becky, I REALLLYY want to, so it’s ok! However, my parents do have high expectations in everything I do, so that is difficult. I was a competitive dancer for 15 years and felt TONS of pressure from EVERYONE. I was SO unhappy and so sick all the time. When I think back, it was the worst time in my life. And I still feel pressure to go back into the dance world and visit people, but the pressure is too much. What I put myself through “preparing” to go. Restrict, restrict, restrict. I am still fighting the thin mindset that I had as a dancer. The pressure in that world is too much to handle. I am slllooowwwwlyyyy learning to do what I want, for ME!! We all need to stop letting others dictate how we live our lives. It is one of my main goals I am focusing on right now! STOP pleasing others, and just be happy with MYSELF!! :)

I luckily was never coerced by my family because I actually got better grades than they did. They supported me for whatever I wanted to do; however, my grandparents made more of a fuss about some degree paths that I tried. I’m finally happy what I’m doing, but I won’t lie, I’m scared about what’s next because I have no idea what to do now…

Three years into college — wow, that’s a tough one! Unless you have a clear idea of a career path that you actually want and that requires a specific credential that you can obtain within the next year or two, I actually don’t think you should switch majors just for the sake of switching majors. Science majors are well-respected in the job market (what little there is!) for their analytical skills. Just remember that when you graduate, YOU can set your own career path and you don’t have to go into scientific work. And since you’ll be starting your 4th year soon, hopefully that means that you’ll be done with your major classes soon; take some classes in stuff you like!!

I, too, was pushed into a physics major and barely scraped by with a C average before I realized that it was a stupid idea at the end of my second year of school. I switched to something practical that I liked well enough, and I also didn’t let it hold me back from also pursuing my less “practical” interests.

Whatever you do, DON’T put yourself through the torture of the med school application process. It would be just the start of a LIFETIME of misery and uncertainty and low self-esteem. It’s just not worth it — even if your parents are legitimately concerned with your well-being, the last thing they want in their heart of hearts is for you to be miserable for your whole life. The only problem is, they don’t know how to teach you how to be true to yourself and be happy while adapting to the very real drudgeries of adult life — this is why they’ve pushed you with a focus on things they can be more certain about, like a stable and lucrative career in med school.

The most important thing for you is to make sure to show them that you understand their concern for your long-term well-being and work to ensure that you’ve got a handle on your financial well being. Life isn’t all poetry and art and rainbows for most people, unfortunately, but if you are truly passionate about it you’ll be able to keep working on your creative endeavors and hopefully one day be able to turn it into a career.

Good luck with whatever you do!

PS, I totally meant medicine, not med school. Med school has the very real effect of making people feel extremely poor! Whoops.

I can completely relate as my mother would not let me major in what my heart was set on (psychology) so because I enjoyed business classes in high school I went on to get a BS and an MS in Business Administration. I am 37 years old and still regret not taking my life in the direction that I knew I would enjoy and feel good about. No amount of $$ from a salary can compensate for knowing that you’re not spending your life doing what you love to do. If I could do over, I would have followed my heart and had a successful career instead of hating one job after the other like I’ve done so far.

yep, i can relate. i was premed/chemical engineering in college until i finally decided to pursue my dream of studying cognitive science. my parents had no idea what that was, and as i had wanted to be a doctor since i was a kid, i had a lot of explaining to do. fast forward 7 years, and i’m now getting a graduate degree in a field i enjoy. it’s not as lucrative, i suppose, than being a doctor, but i like my life a lot better.

oh, and i switched majors my junior year, the first few weeks. the upperclassman-major-switch is possible; i’ve seen it happen, even if people sometimes have to stay an extra semester or year.

I’m sorry this isn’t related to your post but I just wanted to tell you that I love the quotes you end your posts with! Even if I don’t have a lot of time to check out blogs I always make sure to come read yours and everytime I read the quotes it makes me smile! Keep up the good work :)

I had pressure like no other! Just like Becky did. I was pre-med in college (my dad is a doctor) and it was like the best thing that ever happened to him. Got straight A’s (studying about 6-7 hours A DAY, not kidding) and then took the entrance exam and got into medical school. My dad had never been more proud. I knew this was not what I wanted for my life though. I worried that I would go through life always feeling like the dumbest person in the room. Not long after I got accepted into med school my dad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. Everything changed. He just wanted me to be happy, doing what I loved. So I turned down medical school. People still tell me I’m crazy all the time, but I am so happy I didn’t dedicate my life to something so I could please my father. He’s proud of me because of who I am, not what I do.

My workmate uses that line all the time! “Well, what if I get hit by a bus and this is the last chance I have to do X?”. It cracks me up – whether it’s a mid-afternoon cookie or a mini-vacation or just going out with her husband, she’s always saying you only live once, so you might as well enjoy it. Or as she says: “you never know when the bus will show up!” :-)

-Kristin

Oooh, I just have to chime in and say I always felt pressure from my parents to move far away and be ridiculously smart and successful. They were all so proud of me when I went into journalism and had big dreams of me being the top reporter at the CBC or Globe and Mail (or some other uppity left-wing news organization).

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom about my recent decision to switch careers and move to the city. She was making recommendations of places I could work and live. I all of a sudden got really angry at her and told her to stop pressuring me. She was really taken aback. She had no idea I felt pressured by her to perform. She honestly thought that everything I did was because I had a drive to, not because I felt like I needed to. It finally all “clicked” in that moment. A lot of the family pressures I felt came from my own insecurities, and my family really just thought they were being supportive of my goals! I’ve since learned that I need to better communicate with them what my intentions are, and they’ll always be beside me whatever those are :)

I agree that it’s not worth doing something if it’s not going to make you happy. I thought I wanted to be a veterinarian, but once I got into vet school (not an easy feat!) I hated it immediately. I’m generally not an emotional person, and I would cry every day, several times a day. I only lasted a month. I ended up dropping out of vet school and getting a job (which I also didn’t like but I knew it wouldn’t be permanent). Now I am about to start a nursing program and I couldn’t be more excited or happier with my choice!

While my parents never pressured me to puruse a certain degree, I have spent the last 9 years unhappy at different desk jobs. Just last Friday I finally gave my resignation and am finally going to pursue what makes me happy! Health/Fitness/Food!!! I hate saying that I “wasted” those nine years though so I just trying and think of all the things I learned and all the experiences that made me a stronger person.

I can completely relate to how Becky feels. I am in the same situation. I hate what I am doing in university, but I know my parents would be really upset if I dropped out and went to culinary school. So instead I just go through the motions and I am completely miserable.

I really feel for Becky! When I graduated from high school, my father had a good friend who told his 3 children, “I’ll only pay for your college if you major in engineering.” They all majored in engineering. My father thought that was a fabulous idea and told me the same. I hated engineering, I was good at math, but horrible with physics and anything past calculus. I was able to see the light soon and am now finishing my degree in Communications, which I LOVE. Defying my parents has given me a huge drive to succeed, I want to show them that I can be successful in something I LOVE. I don’t need another person to plan my life, no matter who they are.