Yesterday was a bad day.
I tried really hard to make it a better day, but I felt like I was at odds with the universe.
I was in a real funk in the morning, so around noon I decided to hit up the gym because I knew that would make me feel better. And it did. After 50 mins of sweating on the elliptical I felt like a new woman. Unfortunately, that only lasted a couple hours and I was in my funk again.
I had a lot of my mind yesterday. I tried so hard all day long to just see the bright side of things, but I just couldn’t. I decided to be productive anyways, so I worked on my orders and tried to distract myself for a while.
Well, the day just seemed to get worse and worse. I was holding everything in and felt like a tight ball of stress was eating away at my heart. I didn’t really talk to Eric about it, but I was moody all day long, only making me feel worse.
But eventually something has to give.
We got into bed and he could tell that I was upset. He said, just let it out….let it go…
I told him what was on my mind after much persuasion and then the flood gates opened. I started to cry and he put his arms around me and held me. It was one of those messy cries when you are crying and trying to speak, but nothing is coming out but squeaks and sobs.
He held me for a long time and he talked me through my feelings. Even though I only cried for a couple minutes, I felt cleansed. I felt the stress wash away from my body. I felt connected to Eric and thankful for his love. I haven’t cried like that in such a long time.
I have always been the type of person who hates to be vulnerable. I always had a guard up and was on defense at all times. I didn’t like to let people in and let them know that I was suffering.
This internalization was partly the reason for my eating disorder.
Instead of talking about things, I starved myself and distracted myself with numbers in my head. I used to think that by admitting problems, I was admitting a weakness in myself and I was embarrassed about it. That is why sometimes I don’t talk to Eric when I am having these feelings because I worry that he might think I am less of a person (which he obviously would never think).
This blog has changed so much for me. It has taught me that it is ok to be vulnerable. I have poured my heart out in countless posts and I have never regretted it once. I said on Twitter this morning that I had a good cry in Eric’s arms last night and I was floored by the messages that people sent me, asking me if I was ok and encouraging me that this would pass.
While sometimes it is a battle everyday, I am learning to open up and to let others in, even when I feel scared to do so.
Just before I drifted off to sleep, Eric said, ‘Tomorrow is a new day. It will be great.’
And I decided that I would make a gratitude list in the morning and write down things I am thankful for.
It is very easy to get wrapped up in our personal bubble. I think it is so important to step outside of ourselves and reflect on the greater power around us.
What I am grateful for today, right now, in this present moment:
1. I saw the most beautiful bird outside my window when I was baking this morning. He took my breathe away. I don’t even know what kind of bird this is, but he was beautiful. Normally I wouldn’t give myself the time to appreciate these small things in life, but I decided to seize the day and I grabbed my camera and headed outside to take 5 mins of gorgeous pictures of the bird. I felt instantly centered.
2. I have the most amazing customers/readers/friends in the world. They are the reason I jump out of bed in the morning.
3. Our entry way is no longer pink. (Thanks hubs for working all weekend on it and risking your life!)
4. I have amazing family and friends who love me a lot.
5. My core is getting stronger and I have noticed some new definition from the Whittle My Middle challenge (only after 1 week!).
6. Sketchie jumped up on our bed last night when I was crying and he slept with me. Animals are amazingly aware and intuitive. Anyone who thinks that animals have no feelings have obviously never has a pet before.
That was the first day we brought him home! We bonded. For the first few nights he slept under the covers with us by our chests.
7. Gossip Girl.
It has been a long time since I had a show all to myself to watch and fully engage in. I do watch the Office and 1-2 others shows but I typically work while they are on. Gossip Girl has been great for me because I put it on my laptop and put my headphones on and tune out. For that time every night, I am not doing anything but watching mindless TV and it is utterly fabulous.
8. Christmas music. I made a Christmas music mix and it is playing in the kitchen as I bake. It makes me feel soothed and happy.
Once I made this list, I felt better. Things were in perspective. I could get on with my day!
What are you grateful for today?
~~~~~
Glo Bakery
- Holiday orders are filling up fast! Please get your order in soon to ensure availability. You will receive 10% off the Healthy Holiday Packs if you order before Nov 20th.
Vegan Challenge
- Michelle and Katy are hosting a Vegan week on their blogs! There will be tons of awesome vegan related posts as well as lots of guest posts. I am doing a guest post on how to make vegan substitutions in baking. Thursday they are also challenging everyone to eat vegan for a day and then post your vegan meal on your blog and tell them about it. Find out all the info HERE!!!!!
Enjoy your day!
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I always find it’s so hard to get out of those funks but I really like your gratitude list, I’ll have to try it one of those times I have one of ‘those days’. GG is one of my guilty pleasures too! It’s such a great escape :)
Angela, thank you for sharing this. Knowing that people who are put together, strong, achievers…having normal and down days is refreshing to all of us. It’s hard being vulnerable and I totally know what you mean. I am glad that you’ve found a safe place in your life with Eric which enables you to be vulnerable and protected.
Keep up the amazing work and know that you are beautiful and strong in all of our eyes. We adore and read you because you are you. You share with us your life..and that is vulnerable and gorgeous in the same light.
p.s. I love the GG made your list. I feel ya.
Oh Ange,
I teared up when I read this. Probably like everyone here, I feel like you’re one of my close friends, and I was really concerned for you.
I hope we’re not putting pressure on you. We love it when you post something, and we will fully understand if it all gets too much. Just post a piccy of Sketchie and that hunky hubby of yours and we’ll be blissed out for a while and it will give you a breather!
Sending you huge bear hugs!!
I seem to have those days more and more often lately. It’s so great that your hubby is understanding and knows how to make you feel better. It’s OK to have those days every once in a while … you’re normal just like the rest of us. :)
Hang tough girl … you are AMAZING!
Just seeing the amount of responses you got on your post speaks loud and clear of how those around you feel about you. You’re a pearl, a diamond that wants to make the world a nicer place. I wish I could give you a hug.
We all have set backs and as women, we are prone to mini breaks like you had. You have alot to be proud of so try not to let things get you down although I know its hard. I’m one to hold things in and my hubby has to use a hammer and chisel to get me to open up sometimes. I always feel better when i do. We’re all here for you!
Keep shining.
xx
I’m grateful for my wonderful husband who even though he was super busy himself bought me lunch since I had to work through it and didn’t eat.
I’m also thankful for my dogs who make Whittle My Middle more fun by trying to lick me while I do the core work.
And I’m super grateful for my church family. I see them growing and love to join them in the process.
I think there’s something in the air in southern Ontario this week, I swear. Funkiness is going around… and not the good kind. :(
Hope you’re feeling better!
Sorry to hear about your funk.I was in one almost all of last week! It will pass!
My nerdy hubby told me the bird you saw was a pileated woodpecker.
I hear you and totally relate. I have the HARDEST time opening up and talking through my feelings. It seems like my bf is often the last to hear about things because opening up means being vulnerable. I hate that because it feels SO good to let it all out. Good job for letting go. It’s so difficult to do when youre used to stuffing it in.
I’m glad you’re feeling better Angela! Sometimes we just need to let it out!
I used to do a gratitude journal and I LOVE going through and reading the posts now. I think I’m going to start it again to remind myself of all the great blessings in my life, instead of worrying about the small stuff. Great post, as usual!! :)
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed today. I had an extremely difficult day today. I too internalize everything. When I read this post, I thought – I wish I could let out a good cry… like I wanted to but couldn’t. I wallowed the afternoon and was also able to release the tears when my husband came home. It felt great.
It’s funny how sometimes the things you need come to you at exactly the right time – like this post today.
Hope all is well!
I am grateful that I just finished my last final exam of my second undergraduate degree!! Freedom!!!
Angela, I really appreciate your honesty. I was just feeling nudged to say some prayers for you today! I too feel so much better when I can just let it out to my hubby. I actually told him about you and Eric watching Julie and Julia and the voice he did was something I could totally see my husband doing. He actually came with me to the premier night and we laughed a lot during the movie. Anyways, husbands are amazing, I’m totally grateful for mine! :)
Aww Ange this post really popped at me. I completely know what you mean about being vulnerable. I completely admire your honesty and ability to admit all that here on the blog. I’m sorry you had such a rough day dear. Sometimes we just need those cries. And Eric sounds like he was amazing for you :-)
I love your blog. I am struggling right now with very low weight. Have not been able to exercise for 11 months now and I used to love it…and I miss it so much it hurts me so much. I have a long road ahead and fear I will never be able to do more than a walk again . I wish I could reclaim what I had. I just want to say that I think you are great and I admire you intensely.
i’m so sorry to hear about your bad day, but i definitely know exactly where you are at…that vulnerability caused me a lot of problems throughout my ED, and it was because of that, that no one knew for over a year. even now, i still struggle with my emotions, though my eating is sooooooo much better. my boyfriend has been working with me on just letting things out when i feel them, but sometimes i feel like i am burdening him that way. i guess that’s where my blog came in, though there isn’t that much to it yet. keep your head up! everyone has bad days, and don’t let this one get you down :)
ciao bella!
you are so precious to open up like you do. you help me feel “normal” i swear. : ) also, i don’t know what it is exactly, but as a counselor, i have noticed that the holidays can bring on some pretty intense emotions in people. hang in there honey! remember your note on the back of your jacket…. you are so much stronger than you think!!!
Sorry to hear you had a bad day but glad it is better now. I agree about animals, we call my dog Suzie the “anti-depressant dog” because she knows when you are upset and will love all over you.
ooh I love birds, but we don’t get such exotic specimens like woodpeckers in Ireland unfortunately :(