Yesterday was a bad day.
I tried really hard to make it a better day, but I felt like I was at odds with the universe.
I was in a real funk in the morning, so around noon I decided to hit up the gym because I knew that would make me feel better. And it did. After 50 mins of sweating on the elliptical I felt like a new woman. Unfortunately, that only lasted a couple hours and I was in my funk again.
I had a lot of my mind yesterday. I tried so hard all day long to just see the bright side of things, but I just couldn’t. I decided to be productive anyways, so I worked on my orders and tried to distract myself for a while.
Well, the day just seemed to get worse and worse. I was holding everything in and felt like a tight ball of stress was eating away at my heart. I didn’t really talk to Eric about it, but I was moody all day long, only making me feel worse.
But eventually something has to give.
We got into bed and he could tell that I was upset. He said, just let it out….let it go…
I told him what was on my mind after much persuasion and then the flood gates opened. I started to cry and he put his arms around me and held me. It was one of those messy cries when you are crying and trying to speak, but nothing is coming out but squeaks and sobs.
He held me for a long time and he talked me through my feelings. Even though I only cried for a couple minutes, I felt cleansed. I felt the stress wash away from my body. I felt connected to Eric and thankful for his love. I haven’t cried like that in such a long time.
I have always been the type of person who hates to be vulnerable. I always had a guard up and was on defense at all times. I didn’t like to let people in and let them know that I was suffering.
This internalization was partly the reason for my eating disorder.
Instead of talking about things, I starved myself and distracted myself with numbers in my head. I used to think that by admitting problems, I was admitting a weakness in myself and I was embarrassed about it. That is why sometimes I don’t talk to Eric when I am having these feelings because I worry that he might think I am less of a person (which he obviously would never think).
This blog has changed so much for me. It has taught me that it is ok to be vulnerable. I have poured my heart out in countless posts and I have never regretted it once. I said on Twitter this morning that I had a good cry in Eric’s arms last night and I was floored by the messages that people sent me, asking me if I was ok and encouraging me that this would pass.
While sometimes it is a battle everyday, I am learning to open up and to let others in, even when I feel scared to do so.
Just before I drifted off to sleep, Eric said, ‘Tomorrow is a new day. It will be great.’
And I decided that I would make a gratitude list in the morning and write down things I am thankful for.
It is very easy to get wrapped up in our personal bubble. I think it is so important to step outside of ourselves and reflect on the greater power around us.
What I am grateful for today, right now, in this present moment:
1. I saw the most beautiful bird outside my window when I was baking this morning. He took my breathe away. I don’t even know what kind of bird this is, but he was beautiful. Normally I wouldn’t give myself the time to appreciate these small things in life, but I decided to seize the day and I grabbed my camera and headed outside to take 5 mins of gorgeous pictures of the bird. I felt instantly centered.
2. I have the most amazing customers/readers/friends in the world. They are the reason I jump out of bed in the morning.
3. Our entry way is no longer pink. (Thanks hubs for working all weekend on it and risking your life!)
4. I have amazing family and friends who love me a lot.
5. My core is getting stronger and I have noticed some new definition from the Whittle My Middle challenge (only after 1 week!).
6. Sketchie jumped up on our bed last night when I was crying and he slept with me. Animals are amazingly aware and intuitive. Anyone who thinks that animals have no feelings have obviously never has a pet before.
That was the first day we brought him home! We bonded. For the first few nights he slept under the covers with us by our chests.
7. Gossip Girl.
It has been a long time since I had a show all to myself to watch and fully engage in. I do watch the Office and 1-2 others shows but I typically work while they are on. Gossip Girl has been great for me because I put it on my laptop and put my headphones on and tune out. For that time every night, I am not doing anything but watching mindless TV and it is utterly fabulous.
8. Christmas music. I made a Christmas music mix and it is playing in the kitchen as I bake. It makes me feel soothed and happy.
Once I made this list, I felt better. Things were in perspective. I could get on with my day!
What are you grateful for today?
~~~~~
Glo Bakery
- Holiday orders are filling up fast! Please get your order in soon to ensure availability. You will receive 10% off the Healthy Holiday Packs if you order before Nov 20th.
Vegan Challenge
- Michelle and Katy are hosting a Vegan week on their blogs! There will be tons of awesome vegan related posts as well as lots of guest posts. I am doing a guest post on how to make vegan substitutions in baking. Thursday they are also challenging everyone to eat vegan for a day and then post your vegan meal on your blog and tell them about it. Find out all the info HERE!!!!!
Enjoy your day!
That brought tears to my eyes. I bottle everything up too; it’s hard to let anyone see the vulnerable side. Eric is a prince among men and I can tell that you know that. I hope that everyone has someone in their life like him.
Today I am grateful for your blog. I did not read at all over the weekend and all of the entries that I missed were gems and things that I really, really needed to hear. Your words help me all the time and that is an amazing gift to receive.
The beautiful bird that you saw is a red-headed woodpecker. I love to watch them and listen to them. Ya gotta love Mother Nature! :)
I am grateful that I have a supportive family and boyfriend who would do anything for me, my best friend had the greatest wedding ever, that I have been making time to relax and that I have been successful in school thus far. Oh and that graduation is less than a year away.
Thanks for such a great blog!
you got a wise man there !
Mine does the same for me when I get too bottled up. GOOD FOR YOU!
I am always amazed and grateful for the SMALL THINGS in life because they are what make it GRAND!
hugs!
ok this post just made me cry.. in a good way i guess. i have totally been there. i broke down to a roommate this week which is something i NEVER would have done last year. letting others into your thoughts and emotions once in a while is so freeing. i am thankful for this post today :)
what a fab post, a great reminder that everyone has those heartbreaking moments and also all the wonderful things we can be grateful for. well said and well put!
Ange you are such an amazing, strong and beautiful woman!
And you bring some much delight to all of us readers – you put a smile on our faces, and knowing that definitely ought to put a smile on yours!
Kudos to Eric for being there for you. He gets a gold star for that.
Today I am grateful that I have learned to eat healthy, tasty food when I’m hungry EVEN WHEN I have so much work to do and am so busy I think I’ll go crazy figuring out how to get it all done. I was complimenting myself on that today, actually. ;)
That, and I had a huge argument with my husband yesterday, but it was VERY good to clear the air, and finally get things out in the open. We were both relieved, and have been talking about it since and finally there isn’t an undercurrent of annoyance between the two of us. . . sometimes an argument is a way of “letting it out”, too, eh?
I am a lot like this. It is so hard for me to let others know what I am feeling. It is hard for me to admit sometimes that I need help. When I make a mistake at work it makes my entire day seem gloomy because I think that I shouldn’t make mistakes. Even though I realize that I am simply human and I am going to make mistakes and have failures, I sometimes feel like a failure when these things happen.
Your post is very timely for me, because I have been having similar issues and cried for the first time in years about a week ago. I was a crier when I was younger and was labeled a ‘cry baby’, so from about third grade on I almost never cried, I think not crying and not showing my emotion is my defense mechanism and you are sooo right that sometimes you just have to admit your problems and remember it is okay to be vulnerable.
Thanks for a great post!
Hi – I happened to come across your blog today. I’ve certainly had days like that. I’m fairly new to the blogging world and have found already that I am opening up more and also trying new things more often.
And I wanted to say that your kitty is the cutest thing! I have a tabby as well, but my cat is huge now – he could use some healthy eating in his life.
I have been having lots of these days lately, I remember I have a cute puppy at home waiting for me and a vacation coming next week. Tonight I am going to dinner with girlfriends and really need it!
Angela,
I am so much like you in that I never want to “burden” someone with my problems or admit that I cannot handle something on my own. Thank you so much for writing honestly about this, because it often seems like everyone around me is getting along with everything just fine … it’s nice to see/read some true feelings and realize that it’s totally normal to go through a funk and feel down! I’m glad you have such a wonderful husband who listens – I need to talk to my boyfriends, friends, and family more when I need it!!
Hope today was a good one :)
…I didn’t mean boyfriendS. there’s only one haha!
those days are difficult…i know. I have been going through a huge drop in my mood over the past two days and I can’t shake it off.
Like you, I had an eating disorder when I was younger _ i was hospitalised for 3 months when I was 15 and internalise a lot too.
However tomorrow, I am going to get myself to the gym – there is a step aerobics glass followed by legs bums and tums – 90minutes exercise should lift me…. i hope.
i hope you are feeling better xxx
sorry i meant class not glass lol x
Oh my gosh! I can absolutely relate to EVERYTHING you just said. I have also been one to keep my emotions all bottled up, afraid to be vulnerable, and it has only led to disordered eating for me, too. Thank goodness for wonderful husbands! I’ve found a good cry session really does help! And so do green monsters!! :)
Sounds like you’re having a much better day!
It is so amazing the way animals can just read our emotions. I remember in college after a break up, I was crying in my bedroom and my cat jumped up on my lap and licked my tears off my cheeks! Maybe that sounds a little gross letting your cat lick your face, but it made me feel better at the time! :)
Thank you so much for being so honest. I really can’t tell you how much I appreciate your blog.
Right now, I’m really grateful to you. I know this may sound cheesy but your reassurance about my blog really made me feel like I could do it (even if no one reads it! haha). I always have that feeling that whatever I do is not really good enough but I appreciate your encouraging words.
I hate days where the funk just won’t go away. I’m glad you were able to find release through a good cry and by connecting with Eric :)
Today I’m grateful for my husband. I was actually just thinking about how lucky I am to have him and how much we have been through together, especially over the last few years as we’ve both lost our dad’s and other close family members. We are very lucky to have good jobs and a good life…I really couldn’t ask for more <3
I’ve been in a funk lately, too and just posted about it this morning. Hope you’re feeling better.
There’s nothing like a good cry– it’s healthy, beautiful and like Rob Thomas sang, ‘tears fall like diamonds’.
I’m glad you are mindful of all the beauty that surrounds you, it’s a rare and beautiful skill/gift.
Have a wonderful night <3
Becca
The bad days make you appreciate the good ones so much more! I’m grateful for my fiance. He understands me better than anyone else and can always detect when something is wrong (even if I insist that I’m fine).
I have some major breakdowns today… Not good. I’m grateful for my family and the blogworld to escape to. I’m grateful that I’m able to work out and run like I do.
Animals are VERY in tune to how we feel. I love it when my cat and dogs comfort me.
Glad to hear you are feeling better Angela. Letting it out is such a release. Making a gratitude list always helps me feel better too, totally shifts your perspective doesn’t it?!
Sometimes I find myself feeling grateful even for these types of rough patches, because they give me the contrast and the clarity to truly appreciate the good things in life for how great they really are.
XO
*hugs* glad you are feeling better today. it’s so easy to hold things in, but it sounds like you’ve got an amazing, intuitive hub ;) glad sketchy helped out, too! sending smiles and sunshine your way!
p.s. Would you share your Christmas mix? ;o) I love the holidays and to listen to Christmas music.
Angela, You have so much going for you. You have done way more than people twice your age. I really admire you for leaving an unhappy job to fulfill your dream job.
Also, next time you feel bad you and Eric need some wine and dance. Take care of yourself.
It is very special that you saw a Pileated Woodpecker! They are rare. I think he was there to tell you that life is magic and so are you!
I am not a cryer, and I was such a cryer this weekend! I swear it’s like something’s in the air!
Your husband sounds amazing. I’m sure this will pass and you will end up on the other side of it having learned something, but I’m sorry it’s painful along the way.
So many of us are grateful for YOU – remember that!
Thanks so much for sharing that! What is soooo funny is that I had almost the exact same type of day yesterday, and even this morning I woke up feeling down, but I forced myself to go to the gym and that finally seemed to break the spell. It reminded me that today truly IS a new day :)
Thank you so much for sharing this. I was in the same type of mood over the weekend, and luckily, like you, had an awesome guy to hold me while I cried it out. I actually thought about what you had written in your “A Year Can Change A Lot” series, about how lost and trapped you felt before quitting your job, because that’s close to what I’m going through right now. My problem is that I can list a dozen things I’d rather be doing, but can’t see any way to actually make them happen. I’m trying to figure it out, but thanks again for writing so honestly about everything — it helps me know that I’m not alone and that big changes are possible.
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
I always find it’s so hard to get out of those funks but I really like your gratitude list, I’ll have to try it one of those times I have one of ‘those days’. GG is one of my guilty pleasures too! It’s such a great escape :)
Angela, thank you for sharing this. Knowing that people who are put together, strong, achievers…having normal and down days is refreshing to all of us. It’s hard being vulnerable and I totally know what you mean. I am glad that you’ve found a safe place in your life with Eric which enables you to be vulnerable and protected.
Keep up the amazing work and know that you are beautiful and strong in all of our eyes. We adore and read you because you are you. You share with us your life..and that is vulnerable and gorgeous in the same light.
p.s. I love the GG made your list. I feel ya.
Oh Ange,
I teared up when I read this. Probably like everyone here, I feel like you’re one of my close friends, and I was really concerned for you.
I hope we’re not putting pressure on you. We love it when you post something, and we will fully understand if it all gets too much. Just post a piccy of Sketchie and that hunky hubby of yours and we’ll be blissed out for a while and it will give you a breather!
Sending you huge bear hugs!!
I seem to have those days more and more often lately. It’s so great that your hubby is understanding and knows how to make you feel better. It’s OK to have those days every once in a while … you’re normal just like the rest of us. :)
Hang tough girl … you are AMAZING!
Just seeing the amount of responses you got on your post speaks loud and clear of how those around you feel about you. You’re a pearl, a diamond that wants to make the world a nicer place. I wish I could give you a hug.
We all have set backs and as women, we are prone to mini breaks like you had. You have alot to be proud of so try not to let things get you down although I know its hard. I’m one to hold things in and my hubby has to use a hammer and chisel to get me to open up sometimes. I always feel better when i do. We’re all here for you!
Keep shining.
xx
I’m grateful for my wonderful husband who even though he was super busy himself bought me lunch since I had to work through it and didn’t eat.
I’m also thankful for my dogs who make Whittle My Middle more fun by trying to lick me while I do the core work.
And I’m super grateful for my church family. I see them growing and love to join them in the process.
I think there’s something in the air in southern Ontario this week, I swear. Funkiness is going around… and not the good kind. :(
Hope you’re feeling better!
Sorry to hear about your funk.I was in one almost all of last week! It will pass!
My nerdy hubby told me the bird you saw was a pileated woodpecker.
I hear you and totally relate. I have the HARDEST time opening up and talking through my feelings. It seems like my bf is often the last to hear about things because opening up means being vulnerable. I hate that because it feels SO good to let it all out. Good job for letting go. It’s so difficult to do when youre used to stuffing it in.
I’m glad you’re feeling better Angela! Sometimes we just need to let it out!
I used to do a gratitude journal and I LOVE going through and reading the posts now. I think I’m going to start it again to remind myself of all the great blessings in my life, instead of worrying about the small stuff. Great post, as usual!! :)
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed today. I had an extremely difficult day today. I too internalize everything. When I read this post, I thought – I wish I could let out a good cry… like I wanted to but couldn’t. I wallowed the afternoon and was also able to release the tears when my husband came home. It felt great.
It’s funny how sometimes the things you need come to you at exactly the right time – like this post today.
Hope all is well!
I am grateful that I just finished my last final exam of my second undergraduate degree!! Freedom!!!
Angela, I really appreciate your honesty. I was just feeling nudged to say some prayers for you today! I too feel so much better when I can just let it out to my hubby. I actually told him about you and Eric watching Julie and Julia and the voice he did was something I could totally see my husband doing. He actually came with me to the premier night and we laughed a lot during the movie. Anyways, husbands are amazing, I’m totally grateful for mine! :)
Aww Ange this post really popped at me. I completely know what you mean about being vulnerable. I completely admire your honesty and ability to admit all that here on the blog. I’m sorry you had such a rough day dear. Sometimes we just need those cries. And Eric sounds like he was amazing for you :-)
I love your blog. I am struggling right now with very low weight. Have not been able to exercise for 11 months now and I used to love it…and I miss it so much it hurts me so much. I have a long road ahead and fear I will never be able to do more than a walk again . I wish I could reclaim what I had. I just want to say that I think you are great and I admire you intensely.
i’m so sorry to hear about your bad day, but i definitely know exactly where you are at…that vulnerability caused me a lot of problems throughout my ED, and it was because of that, that no one knew for over a year. even now, i still struggle with my emotions, though my eating is sooooooo much better. my boyfriend has been working with me on just letting things out when i feel them, but sometimes i feel like i am burdening him that way. i guess that’s where my blog came in, though there isn’t that much to it yet. keep your head up! everyone has bad days, and don’t let this one get you down :)
ciao bella!
you are so precious to open up like you do. you help me feel “normal” i swear. : ) also, i don’t know what it is exactly, but as a counselor, i have noticed that the holidays can bring on some pretty intense emotions in people. hang in there honey! remember your note on the back of your jacket…. you are so much stronger than you think!!!
Sorry to hear you had a bad day but glad it is better now. I agree about animals, we call my dog Suzie the “anti-depressant dog” because she knows when you are upset and will love all over you.
ooh I love birds, but we don’t get such exotic specimens like woodpeckers in Ireland unfortunately :(