Toot, toot!
All aboard, the Operation Beautiful Virtual Book Tour!
I am excited to be talking about a body image topic that is very near and dear to my heart this morning- Happy Weights!
But first, a delicious, healthy, and energizing breakfast!
YUM!!!!
Morning Glow Vegan Overnight Oats
Ingredients:
- Classic Vegan Overnight Oats (1/3 cup oats, 1.5 tbsp chia seeds, 1 cup Almond milk, 1 tbsp Amazing Grass chocolate Amazing Meal powder)
- 1/2 apple, chopped
- 1/4 cup blueberries
- 1 dried apricot, chopped
- 1/2 Raw Energy Cookie Bites
- 1 tbsp peanut butter
- Drizzle of maple syrup, optional
Directions: Mix classic vegan overnight oat ingredients and leave in fridge overnight or in fridge for 1-2 hours. When VOO is ready, stir in mix-ins (chopped apple, blueberries, apricot, 1/2 cookie bite, peanut butter. Serve and enjoy!
This was soooooo delicious.
Revved up and ready to roll!
Fun fact about the OB book- OSGMOM has the very first note in the entire book!
You can also find me on pages 25 (my OB note) and 129-131 (I talk about the Superwoman Syndrome). I am so honoured to be a part of this great book!
OK, let’s begin.
I went on a post-it spree in Wal-Mart in honour of this post!
Happy Weight: What It Means To Me
The term Happy Weight seems like an oxymoron, doesn’t it?
I mean, who is ever happy with their weight?
I define a Happy Weight as a weight that your body can maintain with relative ease where you feel healthy, energetic, and sane.
How many women do you know who have said to you, ‘I am at my happy weight?’ and then 2 months later they still say the same thing? And a year later they still say the same thing? It is usually along the lines of, ‘In 10 pounds I will be at my happy weight’ or ‘Just 5 more pounds to lose until I am happy with myself.’
At least for me it always was.
Part of the problem is that the weight we think will make us happy is often not the right weight for our body.
The weight that we desire and the weight that the media tells us we should be is often NOT the weight our own body is happy at. This happy weight will be different for every single one of us. My Happy Weight is not the same as yours and your Happy Weight is not the same as your sisters or your best friends. We are all unique.
It took me years to figure this out. In the process my weight went up and down and up and down.
Many women pick a specific number on the scale that they want to reach. We chose our goal and we do everything in our power to get there and stay there. Often in the process, we lose ourselves and forget that we have worth outside of this goal.
An ‘unhappy weight’ is a weight that we do not feel our best at energy wise, health wise, and hunger wise.
For years, I used to battle with myself, with food, and with the scale to maintain my weight. I fought the battle every single day to stay at that weight. Every morning when I opened my eyes, the first thought in my mind was about my weight. I vowed to eat less and to workout more. To stop bingeing. At night, I would often cry into my pillow, ashamed at myself for eating ‘too much’ food or for being weak and bingeing on junk food. The cycle of shame, guilt, and desperation went on for years.
I always told myself in 10 pounds, I would finally be happy. All I had to do was lose 10 pounds and achieve ‘x’ weight and my life would fall into place. In 10 pounds, I could eat normally, binges would stop, and I could stop hating myself. All I had to do was lose 10 pounds and my problems would be solved.
I would love myself in 10 pounds….but not yet.
Not yet.
For myself, and for many women, the number on the scale is sadly a barometer for our own self-love and self-worth.
If the scale tipped higher, I hated myself a bit more. If it tipped lower, I was a better person worthy of at least a small amount of love, but of course not fully until I achieved my goal weight.
Not yet. Some day though.
I promise.
Well, I finally did lose those 10 pounds and when I got there I realized that the number was actually not my happy weight. I couldn’t love myself yet because- wait for it- I actually had a new goal weight! I was mistaken before. I thought my happy weight was 10 pounds less, but I was wrong, it was actually in another 5 pounds.
I guess I was wrong.
I would love myself someday, but….
Not yet.
Not yet.
5 more pounds, and I promise that you can be happy again. You can eat more in 5 pounds. I can eat normally again. I will love myself. I will be able to concentrate on my school work. I won’t binge when I lose 5 pounds. I will be free of the monsters that tell me I am no good.
These thoughts are easily justified in the mind of someone suffering with disordered eating. You are never good enough. Life passes you by as you chase after happiness in a number.
The problem- and I didn’t figure this out for years- was that when I allowed the scale to be a barometer for my happiness, the number will never be good enough. I will never be happy living this way. Happiness is not derived from some extrinsic factor, it has to come from within to have a lasting impact.
So many women chase a specific number on the scale. When we approach it, it slips away from our grasp like a wet bar of soap. We try desperately to cling harder to it, and it shoots in the opposite direction. We trip and fall many times chasing it. The harder that I clung to my strict diet and exercise regime, the worse my binges got and the more the scale climbed and climbed which only perpetuated the negative thoughts and desire to restrict. It is an extremely hard cycle to get out of.
So how did I find my happy weight?
It took me years and a lot of hard work to find my happy weight, but I can now confidently say that I am there. I attribute this to several choices that I made along my journey. These are my own personal choices and I do not assume that they are necessary for others. It is simply my own experience and what worked for me.
1) I claimed responsibility for my happiness
- For so long, I felt powerless about my own happiness with myself and my body-image. I felt like I couldn’t change myself, my thoughts, or my actions. One day it occurred to me that I had to finally accept responsibility for my happiness. If I didn’t, who would?
2) I ditched the scale
- While I don’t think scales can make us unhappy (ultimately, we have the power to decide that!), I do think the scale was negative for me. To this day I do not weigh myself. The scale can be a useful tool for many people, but it was poison in my life and I chose to stop weighing myself. I have never been happier since ditching the scale.
3) I got professional help
- Having suffered from an eating disorder since the age of 12, I strongly believe the only way I could beat the negativity and find my happy weight was to seek out the help of an experienced professional. I tried and failed many times on my own, but things started to fall into place when I had the counsel of a loving professional. You have to want the help first though. My commitment and determination + a loving professional = the right tools for progress. There is no shame in talking to someone!
4) I stopped counting calories
- Just like scales, calorie counting can be a useful tool for weight loss. However, in the hands of the wrong individual (like myself) calorie counting turned into an obsession. I couldn’t stop even when I tried and it took over my life. I had to get rid of calorie counting and I instead chose to listen to my body’s hunger signals. It took me years to be able to do this successfully. For so long I had denied my hunger that I found it was almost impossible to listen once I tried. The worst part was that I continued to binge even when I stopped counting calories because my body didn’t trust me. However, overtime my body trusted me again and I became in-tune with my body’s needs. This does not happen over night…patience is a virtue.
5) I exercise for FUN and for a healthy personal challenge (not just to burn calories!)
- I never focus on how many calories I burn during workouts anymore. I focus on how I feel and I do things that I enjoy like racing. Find what you enjoy and stick with it. Set goals. See what your body is capable of! Make it an adventure.
Today, I can’t tell you how much I weigh (because I don’t know), but I can tell you that I am at my Happy Weight. I know this because I eat healthy foods when I am hungry and I exercise in a moderate amount. Some days I overeat or indulge in too many sweets, but other times I pass up on dessert. It is all about finding a balance. I don’t starve myself anymore and my body feels no need to binge. My body is happy because it stays about the same size and my clothes fit how they should. If my pants get a bit tight, I know to pass up on a few desserts or extra servings here and there. Nothing extreme anymore.
For the first time in my life, I don’t care how much I weigh because I know that I am healthy and happy. As long as I have this, no number will ever be able to dictate how I feel about myself again.
I decided that all scales should come with a disclaimer when you open up the package…
Half way through writing this disclaimer, I was overcome with emotion and I broke down into tears. I wasn’t expecting to feel those intense emotions after all this time. I guess my heart still remembers the pain I went through for many years.
The fight was worth it.
I am worth the fight.
And so are you.
If you would like to be entered in a random draw to win a copy of the Operation Beautiful book, please leave a response below.
What would your ‘Scale Disclaimer’ read? What does a happy weight mean to YOU?
Your post touched me, but also hurt to read. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like I was at a “happy weight.” I think that it was probably when I was back in college, but I didn’t appreciate it then, and that makes me mad at myself. Hindsight is 20/20, I suppose. Now that I’m about fifty pounds above that, I look back and get really irritated at myself that I didn’t feel like it was good enough then. However, I think that was probably when I was most comfortable in my own skin. Even then, it was higher that some girls at my height, but it looked fine because I have a pretty big frame (broad shoulders and muscular thighs).
A “happy weight” for me would be one where my blood pressure was closer to normal, I don’t feel tired all of the time, and I don’t feel so obsessed with food (in a bad way) anymore. It would be one where I don’t get out of breath running up a flight of stairs (although I can run 1/2 mile without stopping now!!). It would be one where I could put my hands on my waist and have them actually fit.
I think that my scale disclaimer should be “GET THE HELL OFF ME AND ENJOY YOUR FREAKING LIFE!” I try not to weigh every day, but it’s hard not to, and though I know that weights fluctuate (I worked for Weight Watchers for seven years), I still get upset when I’m higher one day. I shouldn’t let it rule me.
Thanks for this. And thanks to Caitlin. I just found out that she moved to my town, so I feel like I have a celeb right here in Charlotte! Pretty cool.
And you, Angela, inspire me to run that extra 30 seconds, which I know will become another 30 seconds. And another. And another.
:)
My disclaimer would read something like: True health is not measured in numbers…it’s measured in how you feel and how you treat yourself.
Ange,
Thank you so much for this beautiful,powerful and inspiring post. Reading about your journeyto a healthy and happy weight and love of life has been imensely inspiring to me on my own journey. I am happy to say that I, too, have diyche the scale and begun to find pecs and happiness with my body and my life.
My disclaimer would read: this does not measure the worth of your kidness, the strength of your love, or the the immense size of your heart. The number that appears could never account for the amount of happiness and joy that can come to you through the love you share with those around you.
This post made me so sad because I am the girl you used to be. I’ve been on a perma-diet for the last 4 years losing 42lbs and gaining it back then hating myself for doing so, a complete lack of self confidence, not able to where the clothes I want, you know the drill. So then I start off with all the best intentions healthy eating going to the gym daily – then I slip up, chastise myself for doing so and then spiral downhill, EVEN though I know this is counter-productive and not going to help me at all. I currently weigh myself every day first thing when I wake up then feel like crap pretty much regardless of what the scale says, I even got rid of one set of scales for a few months but then went and bought some more and the obsession recommenced. My scale disclaimer would read “This scale does not define you – do not step on” I have no idea what a healthy weight means to me because I havn’t been at one for about 6 years, but I think it would represent a weight where I could wear the clothes I want to and feel confident, where my weight didn’t dictate my life, and where I was just… me.
Wow! That was really inspiring. I have never had an issue with disordered eating but have always been interested in helping people who do struggle with it. Even though one might not have a full blow eating disorder, I think all of us, especially women are bombarded with images and messages that make us feel like we will never be good enough unless we look a certain way. I think what you doing is great! I’m sure your words are helping many girls out there who are struggling and also those who may not be to have a different outlook on life and happiness :)
I’d love to tell you what my happy weight is, but I’m still struggling. And I’d love to tell you what disclaimer I’d put on the scale, but I’m still trying to break my obsession. :(
This is one of your best posts (and they are all good!). This has been a long and dedicated road for you to find hapiness, but I am so glad you did! Thank you for inspiring and educating others and for sharing your personal story with all of us. You look beautiful, now more than ever, and it is not because of your size, but because you radiate happiness! :)
Thank you so much for this post. I am 15 years old, I was battling disordered eating. I would restrict. I would binge. I would lose. I would gain. But I would never win. Your blog has helped me so much. Thank you for talking about your struggles with binging especially because its an embarassing topic. No one wants to admit it. Your blog comes into my mind whenever I feel unworthy.
SCALE DISCLAIMER: Your not going to look like that one girl. Why? Because she’s not you!!! Live your life…live your life.
OSG, thanks to you, I’ve started living mine.
I love this! I want to print it out and highlight the key points! :) PS I didn’t know that was OSGMOM’s note! I am delighted to see that!
I love you and your honesty. Thank you for leading the way so eligantly! You truly are a role model. I can’t wait to be my peaceful place like you are. ;-)
I have been there, too! I made my boyfriend put is scale away, so I don’t weight myself anymore either. And I rarely exercise on gym machines that tell me the calories I have burned. I tend to fixate on numbers, so videos, yoga, and outside workouts are so much better. Health and happiness really are not about a number, but about health. If your weight is putting you at risk health wise, then yea, maybe a change is in order, but if you are healthy, then that number is fine. It is a measure of health, not worth!
I would like to share a poem with you. It was written by me for children. I have struggled with the scale all my life and have watched my daughters do the same. It is truly heartbreaking. The poem is part of a curriculum package from the Elementary Teacher’s Federation. Have a look at it if you get a chance.
Rachelle Marsan (formerly North)
http://www.etfo.ca/Resources/BodyImageProject/Resources/ETFO_Resources/Moon%20Poem.pdf
http://www.etfo.ca/Resources/BodyImageProject/Resources/ETFO_Resources/Moon%20Poem.pdf
What a powerful post, Angela.
This is something that really resonates with me, because I feel like I’m currently struggling through the difficult stage in which you have to let calories and the scale go. Even though it’s been difficult and I’ve gained about 10 lbs since trying to break away, I feel stronger than ever because I know that I’m moving in the right direction.
This is a very deep issue that many girls can relate to, and I think you perfectly laid out the words that so many of us have trouble finding. Thank you.
Beautiful post, Angela. This was very touching and really hit home with me. I could totally relate- up until a year ago, I had wasted 5 years of my life trying to get to the next lowest number on the scale through ridiculously eating disordered behaviour, trying to reach a weight at which I could finally “be normal”. Much to my surprise, the lower the number went, the more I hated myself and the more impetus I placed on myself to “do better”. One of the cornerstones of the treatment programs I recently finished was reaching my “set point” weight- that is, the weight my body would naturally defend. To do so I had to go pretty much cold-turkey on the exercise for 8 months, eat a prescribed meal plan, and work through my various issues. I have maintained my happy weight for 6 months exercise-free, and I am so excited that last night I finally got to go back to a type of physical activity that I really, truly enjoy- dance. Knowing what I know now, I’m able to treat my body with the respect it deserves and really live my life. Thanks again for the wonderful post- especially the “steps” to reaching that happy weight- I think many people could benefit from that advice, no matter the severity of their eating-and-exercise hangups. The wonderful attitude that you have simply shines through all of your posts, and it is posts like these that keep me reading your blog!
Sorry, I sent the same link twice. I meant to send this one.
http://www.etfo.ca/SiteCollectionDocuments/Issues%20in%20Education%20Documents/Body%20Image/Body_Image_Brochure.pdf
This post was truly inspirational. Like you, I suffered from an eating disorder from the moment my metabolism caught up to me. After reading inspirational stories such as yours, my mind woke up one day and completely changed its course. I stopped obsessing over my weight, and stopped dying to be a size 0 supermodel type. Now, I listen to my body, and use the way I fit into my clothes and how healthy I feel as a guide. I now follow the mantra that the body is a temple, and take good care of it in every way possible.
Back then, my scale disclaimer would read:
* This number will always be too high for you
* Step on this numerous times a day
* Obsess over this scale.
Now, My Scale disclaimer would read:
* Remember, muscle weighs more than fat. Do not judge your health solely on this number!
* If you’re truly hungry, eat! (But eat slowly and listen to your body)
* You are beautiful :)
Wow. Thank you for this so-timely-to-me post. I’ve just decided to stop watching the numbers on the scale as a temporary exercise in learning to be at my own “Happy Weight”, and it is so good to read this post as it really fleshes out the ideas I’ve been bouncing around inside my own head.
I think this idea of “we don’t love ourselves until …” is so true, and so dangerous. I’ve been waiting for those 10 lbs for a long time, and I could really just be happy now.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Angela, thank you.
I’m not at a happy weight :( But I am trying to get there. I’m now ditching the scale thanks to this post!!!!
Great post Angela. The scale disclaimer is a interesting idea!