I know it is not Mother’s Day but I loved this cartoon too much. [Source]
In the words of Stephanie Tanner, WHOA BABY!
You guys set a new record for the most commented Hot Topic post ever on OSG. I think that was the most fun I have ever had reading comments. Between you and I, I caught ERIC reading through the comments last night!! :mrgreen:
I was also thrilled to see a few men comment, including my Brother in Law (‘glowingBIL’).
As many of you noticed I did not offer my own opinion on the question in yesterday’s post! That was on purpose, of course!
Sometimes I find that it is difficult to deal with sensitive issues on the blog without coming across the wrong way. As many of you noted, the question is a very personal and sensitive topic and I did not want to diminish anyone’s situation in any way. I respect where all of you are right now and I respect all of your opinions on the matter. Whether you have them at 22, 38, adopt, or decide that you won’t have them…only YOU can know what is best for you!
Women have a huge amount of pressure in this area and many women feel pressured to either have kids or feel badly about themselves when they decide that kids are not for them. It can be a very judgmental topic, so you can imagine my absolute delight when I read through the comments and realized that everyone was so polite, understanding, and supportive of one another.
You all are a classy bunch. But I knew that already.
MY STORY:
I used to say that I didn’t want children when I was a teenager. I was always met with the ‘oh you will someday’ responses and I started to feel like maybe something was wrong with me because I didn’t want kids. To be completely honest with you, I have always been a bit scared of children! I always felt like I was going to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing when they were around. I know that my fear about children swayed my opinion of whether I wanted children myself.
When I entered my twenties my opinion slowly started to change. I started to toy around with the idea. Eric and I have been together since I was 17 (him 18) and I started to think about it, even though I knew I was years from being ready.
Everything changed for me when I saw my sisters have children.
I could relate so much to what Lindsay said in the comments, ‘At first I didn’t want kids. Then my sister had a baby and something inside happened! 2 months later I conceived my son.’
When I met my nephews and nieces, I knew right away that I wanted to experience that same kind of love one day. The love I feel for them is so strong and seeing my sisters raise beautiful children who love them and adore them so much, is quite a sight to witness.
I think about Sketchie and how much I love him and then I try and fathom what the love for my own child would feel like…and I just can’t comprehend it. I think that it would be a feeling like no other.
Eric and I do not have a particular age in mind when we want to have our first child, but we do want kids. I knew when I didn’t want them- while in university and during my Master’s career. However had it happened, we would have gotten by regardless. We are really happy right now and we take each day as it comes. We also have plans to do some traveling before we batten down the hatches. ;) I’m 26 and most days I still feel so young.
Given the diversity of your comments, there is obviously no right answer or wrong answer. I think it is important that we are supportive of other women, regardless what their choice may be. I can only imagine how annoying it is for women who chose not to have children and are faced with negative comments their whole lives. No one should have to be judged like that.
I think it is a given that women face a lot of pressure and this topic is an area where women face lots of it. So in that respect…
Do you feel pressured to have kids or did you…and by whom? Do you feel pressure to have them by a certain age, or a certain number of kids? Are you judged because you don’t want kids?
For the moms out there, do you feel pressure to be that ‘Super Mom’?
PS- I have already changed my Spring Training Plan around! I am super busy in the bakery this week and also sore from yesterday’s Booty Camp so I will be skipping my run today. No biggie though! I will re-work this week a bit and update the schedule as needed.
PSS- See you tomorrow for the lunch that changed my life!!
I have to say, it is society’s pressure that is the worst for women who don’t want to have kids. I rarely get pressured by my understanding friends & family, but I feel like the culture here in the south (US) doesn’t know what to make of a married couple who never want children. Every time anyone asks if we want children and I reply that we don’t, I feel like I have to apologize, as if by choosing life our way, we are making judgement on life their way. It’s silly, really, because obviously SOMEONE has to have kids, so what’s the big deal if we don’t? Mainly, I feel that people feel sorry for us, that they think we will regret it when it’s too late. I don’t think my husband feels any of this kind of pressure. I think society so strongly identifies women as mothers, that those of us who are older and aren’t mothers don’t quite have a niche.
Agree — why is it the woman that gets asked about kids so much more than the man? My husband has pointed out with some logic, that I’m the one that finally goes off birth control, so more power is in the woman’s hands. . . but I don’t think that’s really the reason that I get asked more than him.
I’ve definitely felt pressure to start having kids since getting married! My parents want more grandchildren! My husband and I both want kids, too, but we want to enjoy being married for a while– without the responsibility of raising a child just yet!
As my friends start getting pregnant, I’m sure I’ll get the urge… but I’d really like to wait until we’re a little more financially stable to start having more mouths to feed! (especially since I’m going to want to buy expensive, organic produce for my babies, too!) For now, we have our little dog, and that’s plenty of family for us at the moment. :)
I’ve always thought it was good advice to have YOU (you and the husband) time before kids come into the marriage. Give you time to build a good foundation together!
i always say to people, you never realize how much your parents love you until the doctor/nurse/your husband hands you your baby for the first time.
i was 28 when my daughter was born, my husband was 34, my son was born 22 months later…close together is hard but they are 6 and 4 now and things are great and they are best pals
Good discussion! I don’t feel any pressure from immediate family, nor my husband. Thank goodness. My mom and I talk about this periodically, but more just a conversation in which she acts as a sounding board. She never tells me I should do one thing or another (even though I think she secretly wouldn’t mind a grandchild).
I do feel a little pressure from family in friends — like I’m starting to get out of sync with what everyone else is doing. It’s a sense of “this is the time of your life to have a child, why are you waiting?” — though no one brings this up, thank goodness! I live in a major city, though, where most of my colleagues/friends waited for some time to have kids (mid-30’s), so my immediate reference group doesn’t pose any issue.
I used to get stupid questions…”Why don’t you have kids? When are you going to have kids? What’s wrong with you?” Now I am old enough (46) that people assume my kids are grown, which is fine. Follow your heart, ladies. Parenthood is a life-long commitment.
Kellyo, thanks for this comment. My husband and I do not want children. We are 28 and 30 and at the point where we want to make sure there are no “whoopsies.” We are scheduling him for a vasectomy in a few months. Although my parents say they are comfortable with this, they are very passive aggressive about how much being a parent means, etc. I honestly think I won’t tell them about the vasectomy until years down the road. I don’t like being dishonest, but I think they will stress/worry about us more if they know. I’m very comfortable with our decision and am so excited about OUR life together. It’s not that I hate kids – they just arent’ for me. I wish others could respect that. LOVE the honest but respectful discussion here today!
Thank you for your post!
My husband and I are 31 and 33 and about 95% sure we do not want kids…ever.
It is nice to know that we are not the only ones.
We are the same, we enjoy our life, as it is, with just the two of us.
I’m 25, a single mom, and a full-time grad student. I don’t think that I’ve ever had a time when I didn’t feel pressure. I was pressured to “take care of it” when I found out I was pregnant (from well-meaning friends and family, including my grandmother). I was pressured to stay with the father when things were not working out. And now I feel like the pressures of being part of the academic world (and totally devoting yourself to your research) are just so completely incompatible with the pressure of motherhood (that idea that your whole life and heart should revolve around your child).
When I’m with my little one I can’t stop thinking of all the work I should be doing. When I’m at school I just want to be home on the couch watching Dora with her. I don’t regret any of the choices I’ve made, but I think that the options were never fair to begin with. I don’t ever want to give up my little girl, but when faced with the option of either being a good mother OR academic, or being mediocre at both, I’m not really sure there is a good choice.
When I was in grad school I noticed this too. There was no support for mothers. I always thought I would have had to drop out because the environment was not supportive. I knew a few women who had children in grad school (and were single moms) and I honestly dont know how they managed.
Kudos to you for making it though, it will be over soon enough.
We (my husband and I) are the last (more so for my groups of friends than his) to not have any children yet. I have felt no pressure from most of my friends, except one (who asked me EVERY single time we talked and when I turned 30 urged me to start trying now, because . . well, we’re 30!). It made me very uncomfortable to talk to her. After 9 years people do ask and recently more of his work colleagues have started asking (but that might just be because they’ve just experienced a mini baby-boom in their office). My mum has been so great about it. She has only mentioned it once, and more in a ‘you don’t need to hurry, but don’t leave it too late’ way. My MIL doesn’t mention it, but I am sure she does to everyone else :) (however she has two grandaughters who live 10 minutes from her, so I don’t feel too bad). I just smile and come up with some excuse, but I think that unless that person is a VERY good friend or a close family member, that it is off limits. I have had several friends who have miscarried or been trying for years and you don’t always know everyone’s circumstances or reasons.
Thanks Angela for addressing this and thank you to everyone who is responding. It’s great to see this topic treated with respect for others no matter where everyone is coming from.
I actually feel a lot of pressure NOT to have kids yet. My relatives would rather I continue my career for a while and think about kids later. But as you said, it’s a personal decision, not to be made by anyone other than you and your spouse!
I LOVE kids I want to be the rockin aunt or cousin or what have you, but I do not want any of my own. First I am not a baby person AT ALL. They don’t sleep through the night and they don’t talk :) So cute if they go back to mom, but I am just not a fan of blow outs and spit up (yes I worked in daycare!). I know I want to travel a lot, run, and have a big career. I would much rather go into a big time career then devote myself to kids. Everyone says I will change my mind when I’m in a relationship and maybe I will, but hearing stories from family members with kids I KNOW I could not be a great mom, but I KNOW I could be that cool aunt with the amazing house for sleep overs. And I’m OK with that ;) Of course when family is telling you you will die alone and no one will take care of you when you are older you do begin to second guess, but my immediate family is supportive of my decision. I also don’t know if I plan on a marriage because I don’t think it’s fair for me to not want kids and be with someone who needs that in their life because I am not the one who can give it to them. I think it’s a tough question and one that is unduly presented to women at a young age. My little cousin (5!) already is playing mom to her little sister who was just born. I told her mom that they come do sleepovers with me when they are older and we’ll have a fun slumber party as long as they go home after the weekend :)
I’m judged because I only want 1 kid. In fact, I don’t talk about it much because I get so much flack for it. Unless my situation changes drastically, Lucy is going to be an only child and that’s the way we want it. Most people cannot fathom the fact that we only want one kid. I hear, “Oh don’t do that to her.” “She’ll be so lonely.” “What about when you die, who will she have?” And people are CONSTANTLY asking when I’m having the next one. My husband and I just say “We’ll see.” because it’s really not worth getting into the conversation.
I feel HUGE pressure to have children! My husband and I got married back in May of 2009 and we are both twenty four. It seems like when you get married the question that comes next from EVERYONE you see is, so when are you having kids? My husband comes from a large family as he is the oldest of six siblings. His parents and siblings are CONSTANTLY asking me when am I going to have a baby. I joke and tell them that our puppy will have to do for a few years because this is all they are going to get! Then I realized I think I was upsetting my MIL a bit so I layed off that excuse and was honest – we want to have kids when we are about twenty eight. We are in no rush and we really want to enjoy some “US” time before we start having kids. We are also very involved in our church and I think that in church communities it is so normal to get married and have kids right away (at least at my church it is, because all of my friends have or are having their first or second or even THIRD child). I totally respect their choice to have kids right away. I have to be honest though, it gets to be a little annoying that I am ALWAYS asked this question. I am sort of secretly hoping my brother in law marries his GF and gives his parents a baby SOON so that I can be saved for the next four years of answering this question.
My husband and I don’t really feel pressure because we’ve already told plenty of people that we aren’t planning to have children. We love our dogs. We love each other. And it’s ultimately our decision.
That being said, I’m always confronted by work people or random people I meet who ask when we’re having kids – that’s when it’s a struggle. Do we get into the talk about why we don’t want children? Or do we just say, “Oh not yet” and avoid getting into the discussion.
Yes and no. I am the oldest, my mother is a preschool teacher. She has devoted her life to children and has not kept her desire to be a grand-maman one day a secret. She doesn’t mean to pressure me, but ever since I got engaged she has started accumulating books and toys to put in her “Grand-enfants box”. Like a hope chest for grandmas I guess?
I just got married this past September. I can count the number of times people have asked me when babies are coming, or even better, if I’m pregnant yet.
My husband and I do want kids- I’m almost 26 and he’s 27, but we just want to finish grad school, enjoy life, and get in one big trip!
Up until recently, I never wanted kids, either. I’m 20 now, and even though I now it’s probable that my current boyfriend won’t end getting married, having my first “adult” relationship (outside of high school, I mean- I know we still have a lot of growing up to do!) has made me realize how much I eventually want to have children with someone I love. I definitely want to be married for awhile before hand though!
I am pressured by people ALL THE TIME to have kids and it sucks! I am so sick of answering the question, and being told the fertility stats … yeah I get it people … back off!!
I totally agree with you on everything – it is a personal choice, and people should not tell others what to do or when to do it. I wish everyone thought like you and the lovely readers on here!
I try not to worry about it, but I sometimes try to do the math in my head to figure it all out. I’m 26 and currently in a serious relationship with my boyfriend, but we’re not even near the engaged phase. I feel like it’s kind of an equation at this point, you date someone for x # of years, engaged for x amount of time, married for x amount of time to just enjoy being married… and then you can start trying to have kids… don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to rush into anything, but I do want to have 2-3 kids and I’d like them to be as healthy as possible! But, I’m a true believer that everything happens for a reason so I’ll take life day by day with a smile on my face!
I used to say the same thing, but when my niece was born 18 months ago the baby time bomb just went off! But then I decided an adventure was in store before a baby so it looks like we’ll be 31-ish or so before we go that route!
I really enjoyed this topic! What’s weird is that I get caught up in so many “shoulds” in life (what I should eat, how I should exercise, what I should do for work, etc), but motherhood is one “should” that just doesn’t get to me. I/we don’t want children and I feel confident in that decision. It doesn’t bother me to be “different” in this way. I assume some people think it’s weird because we ARE in the minority, but I don’t really care. I don’t feel pressure about this at all. Of course, our parents make comments about us having children (aka them wanting grandchildren), but this doesn’t affect us. I never say never, and if I magically change my mind, I would adopt. I think parenthood is such a personal, individual topic. I can’t judge anyone for their choices in that area. We all know what’s best for us. Thanks for the fun discussion :)
Oh gosh, I don’t think there should be any pressure on women to have children. When a woman feels pressured into children it is almost guaranteeing feelings of resentment and disappointment in self years down the road which can lead to lack of quality of life.
When I was 24 I started thinking about having a baby and eventually it turned into wanting a baby and this is from being a successful career woman, living in a metropolitan city and wanting nothing to do with children, ever.
It felt in my heart like the next logical step and within a few months I was pregnant and less than 9 months later I was a 25 year old mother of identical twin girls.
Now I’m a stay at home mom living in suburbia and am going back to school to become a certified in massage and body work. A far cry from career girl in the city :)
What I’m trying to say is pressure is not good in life! We need flow and balance and women will know inside and with their partners the right time. It’s not even a question at that point :)
That said, I have no pressure to be a super mom at all. As long as I feel good about myself at the end of the day and my girls and husband think I am a super mom, then my job is done!