Angela: Grade 1. Living in Florida. Enjoyed neon colours, rollerblading, and fighting over the new NINTENDO gaming console with her sister Kristi.
Dear Angela (Grade 1),
This picture brings me great joy because it captures so much beauty in a single photograph. I am truly glowing in this picture, and no, that isn’t just from the glare of the neon pink! ;) I look happy and alive, proud and energetic.
I was so proud of this neon pink polkadot outfit. I remember how awesome I felt wearing it and I wanted to wear it every single day (my poor mom!). When I put it on I felt happy and you can be sure that I wasn’t analyzing whether the skirt made my butt look big or whether the puffed sleeves on the arms gave me a few extra inches.
Getting dressed for the day was FUN and never upsetting.
I knew nothing about calories, fat grams, scales, or diets. And you can be sure that I wasn’t thinking about my weight in this picture.
Exercise wasn’t even a word to me. It was actually ‘play time’. Movement was fun. Rollerblading, biking, swimming, walking, running were all fun to me. I was outside as often as my mom would let me!
When I did get dragged inside to eat lunch, I enjoyed the food immensely! My mom makes a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I can still almost taste them to this day. I didn’t worry about fat grams, calories, or how much I ‘could’ eat. I just ate until I was satisfied and off I went about my busy and active day.
Dear Angela (Year 2 university, 2004):
Even though it was Valentine’s Day and you were celebrating your third anniversary with Eric, I can see the pain in your eyes.
I know just by looking at this picture that you are unhappy. You’ve lost your glow. There is something sad in your eyes.
I know you were probably feeling guilty from eating so much Valentine’s chocolate and probably vowed to lose some weight starting Monday.
You often went through ups and downs in your weight because you were always obsessing about numbers.
Food was on your mind an embarrassingly large amount and you hated the weight that you gained since meeting Eric in highschool.
You didn’t think that you were attractive anymore (even though he told you over and over that you were).
You felt unworthy as you were.
I wish that you could have seen how truly beautiful you were. It is no wonder you felt that way though, with your eating going from one extreme to the next, how could you ever feel comfortable or at ease with yourself?
It just about drove Eric away. Well, actually it did because we ended up breaking up 3 months later, only to get back together in September of the same year.
It is very hard on one’s partner when you don’t love yourself. No love that they give you will ever ever be enough. And even though I loved Eric with absolutely every ounce in me, I didn’t have much love for myself. I was constantly jealous, insecure, and needy.
That summer, I lost the love of my life because I couldn’t love myself.
I never thought to myself, “Maybe I need to start being nicer to myself.”
Actually, the break up was more of a reason to BLAME myself even more. Just what I needed, more blame.
I was fighting a daily battle I thought I would never win…
Today’s question: What would your letter to your former self say? What is the best advice you would give your former self?
See you this afternoon for:
- Part 2: MY letter to my CURRENT self
- Baking goodies for the Market!
- Race talk
You are UH-MAZING, this brought me to tears, because although weight wasn’t a huge issue, I have my own skeletons, and I could not love myself, and have ruined many relationships, (I think, they say no) because of that insecurity. The guilt.
I am so happy that you’re with us here in the blogging world, your contributions mean so much to me, and I am so, so, so happy to have stumbled upon your page.
Ahh, my heart is just swelling right now for you, girl.
Thank you …
Haha, I just wanna hug you and say omg, I love you, thank you!
Angela,
YOU are AWESOME!! i love this, and I feel like through the blog I know you very well, but this post just proves how much we all struggle without others knowing..I love this post bc I often feel like you are so perfect and have always had everything under control but now I realize that you too have a past. Thank you for this post!
Angela-
This is such an inspiring post. I am a long-time reader who has never commented before. How often I wish I knew then, (middle school, high school and college) what I know now.
Thank you for being so honest and so brave to share this with us all!
Wow, our stories are so similar in so many ways. I too, feel there there have been many times where I almost drove my now-husband away from me because of my body image issues and lack of confidence. I’m so proud of how far you have come!!
You are really been making me tear up (in a good way!) lately!!!
Dear 1994-2002 Danielle,
You are outstanding.
Your laugh lights up the darkest of situations, and your enthusiasm is unmatched. Please dont get hung up on what other people think. If you can break that habit now, you will live the next 15 years unbelievably happier.
Love yourself, and know that you are better than good enough for not only what you encounter, but those goals that seem beyond your imagination. You are beautiful even on your hardest days, and if you can learn to love and care for your body, it will love you back!
Love, Danielle 2009
Angela,
Like everyone else, I adore your site and think so much of it is inspiring. And I guess because of where I am currently, sometimes I find the messages are mixed. We should absolutely love ourselves and definitely ditch the scale. But we should also “tone up” and do “Bikini Body Bootcamps.” Of course the focus is on health, and I definitely think we should exercise and be our healthiest selves, but the focus feels to me to be so much on the aesthetic. (When you talk about Eric’s bigger portions for example, and say “Don’t you wish you could eat like a man?” Well, we can eat like men. We just might not LOOK as tiny as we want to. Which is fine to have a preference on how we look, but then we can’t really pretend that everything we do is just to be “healthy” and not driven by a desire to look a certain way.)
I am a little smaller than you were in the University picture, and I exercise regularly and eat well. But when I read this site and see the pictures, I tend to beat myself up for not looking a certain way. For not being “good” enough. Which again is more my issue than yours :).
Now I’m officially rambling. And I need to write a letter to myself. The letter I write to me today will be “Love Yourself For Yourself and Don’t Compare Yourself to Others.” :)
CJ- Well this next BBBC is for YOU :) I think you are going to like it…check it out Monday.
I’ve got virtually the same picture of me in roller skates when I was a kid. Lesson is – we need to bring roller skating rinks back!!!
don’t you wish we could all just keep that young mind? this happens to so many of us, it is so sad!
Angela, this post is amazing. It sounds weird, but it’s like you speaking to your former self totally spoke to me. Thanks for posting this.
Thank you for posting this, Ange! You are beautiful and it is so inspiring.
Thank you for bringing this all out now. I needed it. I now realize that the numbers on the scale don’t make me who I am. I need to be healthy inside and out to be happy. I am learning to love myself again.
i LOVE this post. you are so inspirational ;)
What a beautiful post Angela. I believe you looked beautiful in both pictures, but it’s what you feel inside that truly matters. You are such an inspiring woman, and I know you have more strength than you can ever imagine! :)
xxoo
Heather
This was very emotional to read. There are so many things I’d like to say to my former self– I could write a novel.
Such a beautiful well-written/thought out post Angela. You are gorgeous inside and out in every picture I have seen. In the last month you’ve brought me to tears at least twice a week! Keep being you hon! :)
This is an awesome post. And so sad though really.
I think that is what I love best about sports. It makes me feel like a kid again. I don’t think while I am playing, “I wonder how many calories I am burning?”…I just play to play. Because it is fun. Why can’t everything be like that?
Yeah! I love this post. Not sure if you ever saw mine: http://www.hangrypants.com/2008/11/she-says-letters-to-myself/
This is such a great post and the inspiration I needed for today. Thank you!!
I have tears in my eyes from this post.
I loved the letter you wrote to yourself.
On the second picture, I didnt even know it was you. I didnt recognize you, I knew it was you because of Eric.
YOu have come SO far.
Love every ounce of yourself because you are BEAUTIFUL!