Our conversation yesterday about our appetite was a really good one, wasn’t it? I enjoyed reading over 60 comments from all of you throughout the day. It is obviously a topic that affects us all. I was flooded with emails yesterday from many of you. Reading through the emails and comments actually brought tears to my eyes because I feel the pain that many of you have been through with this. Everyone has been teased at some point in their life for how they look, how little they eat, how much they eat, what they eat, and the list goes on and on.
When I was entering high school, I was teased about how muscular my arms were. I was mortified! I would cry about it and zero in on it in pictures. I can still remember who the person was (ass!) and what his exact words were. To this day, I struggle with accepting my arms even though I know that I have no rational reason to.
I received so many beautiful emails from many of you sharing your story and lifting me up. My mom sent me an email that I will never forget:
Hi Ange,
I just finished reading the 63 responses from your earlier post today.
It is incredible how you have touched people’s lives in a such positive and inspiring way. I was overwhelmed with the kind comments you received — in fact, it brought tears to my eyes. I believe you have found your calling in life and don’t let an occasional negative and cruel comment bring you down for one second!
Talk about inspiring, eh?
Many of you don’t realize this but I get so much inspiration from all of you each and every day. :)
I received an email from Erin who asked me a wonderful question:
How do you avoid comparisons? I find that i constantly compare my body to other women I encounter in the world. I am smart enough not to buy into photo-shopped, airbrushed magazine models, but i can’t escape from the REAL WOMEN I see out there in the REAL WORLD – they are not airbrushed and i see so many beautiful women with “perfect” bodies all the time… i can’t help but think along the lines of “if THEY can look this good, i SHOULD be able to too!!”
it’s really hard for me – even on the days i actually feel GOOD about my body, i find myself making comparisons and coming up short (fat/unfashionable/uncool/etc) – and i end up coming home and hating what i see all over again. i don’t think i can make all the healthy changes I WANT to make with this kind of mindset. i hope i don’t sound too crazy… and if you have any thoughts on this, i would really, really appreciate it.
This is such a great question. I think much of the talk on body image focuses on ‘not believing the social media hype’ such as TV ads, music videos, magazines, and the like. While I believe this is true, it doesn’t capture the entire picture. Many women suffer from social comparisons with other women on the street or women in their personal lives. Maybe it is their sister, their best friend, or a girl they see in class each week. These types of social comparisons, to me, are much more harmful because we know that these are real, non-airbrushed women. It is easy for me to dismiss an image in a magazine by saying, ‘Oh that is so airbrushed!’, but it is nearly impossible to dismiss a real person.
I have stopped buying fashion magazines because I was sick of the content. Stories on how to ‘Free Yourself From The Diet Mentality’ followed by a diet or cigarette advertisement. The hypocrisy of magazines really irks me, and finally I cancelled my subscriptions. I realize that ads are the bread and butter of magazines, but it also doesn’t seem like there is much effort going into finding quality advertisements.
It is horrifying to think that in 2009, we are still finding skinny cigarette advertisements with 6 foot 100 pound models plastered over them! I mean, really, who creates this garbage and more importantly, do they sleep at night knowing the message they are sending out? So yes, I cancelled my subscriptions to my previously favourite magazines. It was hard at first, but I don’t miss them at all. I enjoy Runner’s World right now.
But like Erin points out, how do we avoid the social comparisons in the real world? I admit that I still struggle with comparing myself to women in my own life or strangers I see on the street. I think it is partly human nature that dates back to our evolution, but I also think that the media has reinforced this behaviour in us much more than it should be.
Evolutionary Psychology research has shown that men compete for power and status while women compete with physical qualities like attractiveness and thinness (see e.g., Cashdan, 1998).
I don’t think it is realistic to say to yourself that you are going to totally eliminate comparing yourself to other women. It is possible to reduce the behaviour though, especially if you think that it is affecting your overall happiness and impeding your road to health. For myself, when I stopped focusing on dieting, counting calories, and weighing myself I found that my urge to compare myself with other women also decreased. I think the two and two go together. Counting, weighing, and obsessing spill over into your relationships. When you are counting calories or worrying about your weight all day long, you are going to be ruminating about it even while visiting with your girlfriends or while you are out at the mall shopping or at work.
Negativity breeds negativity!
This obsession with food and our bodies does not end there, you see; it poisons everything in our lives! I used to be at school in a class but all I could think about was how much I weighed that morning or how much I ate the night before or how tight my pants felt. Sound familiar? This negativity would then tarnish all of my other thoughts. I didn’t want to be in class or around others and damnit, why is that girl next to me so much skinnier than me??
When I finally gave myself the permission to ease up and let go of the control, I realized that it was silly to compare myself to others.
Throughout my education, I did lots of psychology research on eating disorders- a few studies and lots of research articles. The shocking thing I found was just how many women are unhappy with their bodies and how many women suffer from eating disorders. The more I researched, the more I realized that the pretty and thin girl in my class is really miserable, hurting, and obsessing about her weight. I think of this as the ‘grass is always greener on the other side’ phenomenon. We always think that skinny women have it all, but that isn’t always the case.
I used to be thinner than I am now, but I was unhappy and obsessing about my weight. I wouldn’t give anything in the world to go back to that size.
So when you are wishing that you had someone else’s body, please stop and rationalize the thought.
Unfortunately, the odds are that the women you are comparing yourself to is struggling with her own body image and eating behaviours.
I think it is also a good idea to create a mantra that you can repeat to yourself when you find yourself engaging in social comparison.
You can say things like:
- I am perfect just the way I am
- There is no one perfect body type or size
- Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
- I don’t need to change
- Beauty radiates from the inside out
- I glow because I treat myself good
- I’m great!!!! I’m amazing!!! :) Seriously- say it!!
- Remind yourself of your favourite body part!
Today’s questions:
Do you struggle with comparing yourself to the women in your lives?
How does it make you feel?
Can you think of ways to stop it?
Do you still think about hurtful comments that people have said to you in your life?
“The thing I like about my body is that it’s strong. I can move furniture around my apartment. I can ride my horse…I can play basketball. It’s a well functioning machine.”
~Cindy Crawford
Great post Angela….really got me thinking!
Do you struggle with comparing yourself to the women in your lives? ~ Yes, I must admit I do compare myself to other women. Not to the women in magazines or television but to real life women.
How does it make you feel? ~ I feel dumb for doing it and try and remind myself that I am in the best shape I have ever been in my life and look pretty darn good for after having a child and being 37!
Can you think of ways to stop it? ~ I just have to keep reminding myself that everyone is different and that we are all unique and beautiful no matter what. For the most part I am very happy with my body image.
Do you still think about hurtful comments that people have said to you in your life? ~ Not so much anymore now that I am older I have become more mature that way. But when I was younger it would really bug me a lot! I did get teased in high school and stuff and that used to really eat away at me but now that I am older I have moved on and away from those thoughts.
i definitely struggle with comparing myself to the women in my life. girls in my school have seemingly the perfect bodies: big boobs, flat stomach, great legs. and most of them don’t even go to the gym or anything! i often wonder why i work so hard at the gym or try to eat healthily if i can’t look like them? but then i take a step back and realize that working out and healthful eating makes me feel awesome, and thats why i do it. i’m slowly starting to realize that i will probably never have the dream body i want because even at my lowest weight when my mom sent me to a nutritionist and therapy for an eating disorder, i still had love handles. so now i’m just trying to be happy with my body the way that i am:)
Hi Ange,
Yes, I definately do compare myself tto others. I think although it is somewhat natural, it is also very unhealthy. For myself, the more I compare, the more I feel badly about myself. It does absolutely no good to size up the other person, because somehow I think we are all doomed to come up the loser. After all, we are always harder on ourselves. The sad past is, that it doesn’t end there. As life progresses, the comparisons also increase. Who has a bigger house, who makes more money, whose kids are more beautiful and smarter….It goes on and on. Actually I find the child comparison to be the most evil. Moms are very hard on each other and often look down upon others for different parenting styles etc. It is a really hard transition in life, to find a way to make friends with other moms, without them driving you mental!!! ;)
I try to remind myself daily how lucky I am for all that I have..a beautiful family, a nice house, a job etc. I may not be as thin as I was before kids, but I am healthy. I try not to be bitter at the other moms at the gym who are skinnier or prettier. Who knows what battles they may have within or what they must sacrifice to look that way. I am not about to give up food I like or obsess to the point where it consumes my life. If I want a cupcake, I am going to eat it and I shouldn’t feel bad about it for the next 2 days :)
If I look back on my 5 years ago, I think, wow..I was so thin and pretty, but guess what? I didn’t think so at the time! So, I should live for today and be happy for who I am and what I have become because one day, I will look back on today and smile!
xo
Hi Angela, Reading your blog has honestly become one of the highlights of my day:)
I have compared myself to people for so long that I get the feeling that I don’t truly know who I am. I have been wishing I was someone else for so long, that I don’t think I have taken the time to develope a true identity. It is sad that I am just realizing this at 28, but now that I see it, I can change it.
I am still teased on a regular basis about my weight, and comments are still made in malls by adults, and when I walk with my daughter by the Junior high students on their lunch break. When this happens, it feels like my heart is breaking and I want to cry, but I hold my head up, keep walking and don’t look back. I am working hard to be healthy, and I will not let anyone hold my self worth in their hands.
Thanks so much for your blog!
Another great post Angela! If only these blogs had been around when I was in high school! I can remember numerous times when distant family members (never immediate family, thank God!)would remark how I was “the bigger one” between me and my tiny sister. So devastating to a girl going through puberty! Or when my ballet instructor would tell my mother that I needed to go an another diet in order to perform to the best of my ability. I thank God I had a supportive family around me or I definitely could have seen myself being thrown into an eating disorder.
Great thoughtful post, I really feel like your posts come from a place of love. Keep it up!
Angela, I am SO glad you wrote about this super-important topic (and so eloquently!) You really hit the nail on the head.
I’ve experienced a pretty wide range of body weights throughout my life, and one thing was consistent throughout it all: I always compared myself to others and felt inadequate. I’ve gotten better at reducing such negative thoughts, but it’s SO hard! It’s human nature I suppose.
I received hurtful comments when I was below a healthy weight as well as. I’ve been stunned by how insensitive and downright rude people can be. The worst part is, they often came from friends and family, not strangers. Something I try to remember, though, is that peoples’ perspectives are so much a product of their OWN body image/weight/food issues. In my experience, I’ve noticed that peoples’ relationships with food while growing up and the attitudes of their parents have a huge effect their perspectives (for better and for worse). Everyone is dealing with their own issues and it’s a shame that they sometimes negatively affect those around them.
I always compare myself to everyone else. I see someone at work eating a candy bar, and I wonder why I eat pretty well and exercise and I’m much bigger than they are. And now it’s a bit worse since I’ve been injured and can’t exercise the same way (hopefully, that will end soon!). I’ve struggled with weight issues my whole life; most of my family has, with the exception of one thin sister, always eating whatever she wanted, who finally understand a bit of the struggle since she had three kids (although only in how things fit her differently than before; she’s down to her regular size). Anyway, it’s a struggle to get past what everyone else does and just do for yourself. For example, sometimes I read food blogs and wonder how the writer says she is full after what she ate; I often think, I’d still be starving! So that part is hard. Even on the days when I think I’m doing well and look good, usually something changes my mind (someone else said this, too; usually just an unfair comparison to someone else).
Sorry for rambling. Thank you for your blog, Angela. It’s great to read that others feel the same way about a lot of things, so thank you for the forum!
Angela, I have been reading your blog for a while, but never posted before. This topic really strikes a chord with me. I feel that I am constantly comparing myself other women, especially in places like the gym, like Shelly said above.
I got married about 3 years ago, and since then I have gained a little weight. I’ve been having a hard time with my self-image, particularly around other women. I go to the gym a lot, and seeing other prettier and thinner women can make me feel really down on myself.
I am encouraged by your positive messages on this blog. I hope that I can take your advice about being more kind to myself to heart. We are all unique and beautiful in our own way. Thanks for everything you do, Angela!
I have tears in my eyes. When I read the mantra “I don’t need to change” it really hit home for me. I don’t need to change. I will not be happier 10 pounds from now. Life will not be better. People will not love me more. Life will not be perfect. I’ve got a healthy body that I have not appreciated for the first 28 years of my life. That changes. Now. I always think of the saying “Appreciate the body you have now because, one day, it’ll be the body you wish you have.” That’s always true. Love yourself today. Don’t love yourself when you lose 10 pounds. Don’t wait to live life and enjoy it in 10 pounds. Do it. NOW.
Thank you so much for this incredible post.
Oh yeah, I definitely have trouble with comparing myself to other women. I think that people will think less of me because I’m not perfect. So I try to remind myself that I don’t think less of anyone because he or she isn’t thin/beautiful/hot/whatever “perfect” is.
One of the most liberating experiences I had with regard to body image was starting to shower in the open showers at the gym. I realized I had no idea what a normal, healthy woman looked like. I finally realized that female bodies, rather being on a scale from good to bad, were more like variations on a theme.
I actually wrote a long blog post about it here: http://earlyrunner.blogspot.com/2009/02/what-real-women-look-like.html
I’d also like to add that I think your blog wonderful because you are so honest about the ups and downs of everyday life.
Fabulous, Angela. Just fabulous. :) We are so much more than what we eat or what we look like. Each one of us is unique and wonderful in our own way.
We should strive to be healthy of course, but that shouldn’t come at the sake of our happiness or always involve comparing ourselves with others. Do things for yourself and not for others. And absolutely enjoy what you are doing right now and where you are.
I love this quote: “Stop living life for what’s around the corner and start enjoying the walk down the street.”
Thanks for all the inspiring words!
www. HelpMeghanRun .com
I’m so glad you wrote this! This issue still permeates within me after struggling from an eating disorder for the past 2 years that is hard to let go of. Especially in high school, when everyone compares each other. There’s even specific people who I compare myself to and shouldn’t-i.e. one does modeling and is very thin and does ballet 6 days a week. I have to remember that that is her lifestyle, not mine. I also know that she’s not that happy and always stressed because she tries to do “everything.” That puts things in more perspective.
I love these posts Angela!
Great topic, I think. Not many people are willing to open up about their insecurities when it comes to attractiveness. It’s like..we all know they’re there, we just don’t truely believe other people have insecurities too because they’re very good at hiding it.
2008 was a year of hell for me. I battled with myself the entire year over looking the way I did. I didn’t even the guy I’m now dating was checking me out the few times we saw each other that year because I was too busy thinking that I looked fat and ugly!! Those little comments, whether from strangers or family/friends, were just eating at me every day. I would weigh myself obsessively, think about what I was going to eat next and how many calories was in it while I was studying (needless to say, I didn’t get much done that year lol), and I developed a binge eating disorder. It makes me sad to think of all the time I wasted being so hung up on my physical apearance compared to the skinnier girls my age.
But, it’s like being tripped into a hole with angry house wives with bats. On the downside, you’re going to be beaten up by a bunch of housewives that you surely thought you could defeat, but on the upside you’ll learn how to avoid tripping into another hole like that, and you’ll learn how to climb out of it all. You become smarter about it, you become more compassionate, and more motivated to make sure others don’t go through the hardship you went through. The scars from the experience are still there, but even the bad petty things in life like obsessing over being attractive can have a good outcome in the end.
I don’t regret my experience one bit. I’m now doing cognitive therapy, and I feel stronger. I’m gaining knowledge about psychology and proper nutrition while I’m at it. What helps me to remind myself that I’m attractive in my own way is for every bad comment that slips out, I give myself two good ones, and I feel better. I also have cards that I read everyday like “You are an AMAZING person! Anyone who says otherwise is blind, a big booger brain, or insecure with themselves.” It really sets the tone for the rest of the day. I highly reccomend making cards to read to yourself everyday. I also do the mantra thing.
But most of all, I don’t let it stop me. I don’t stop to mope about someone snickering at the fact that my hair looks messed up today. If I keep going on with life, those little things don’t matter anymore, and I usually don’t remember it until I reflect on the day.. But by then, I’ve done so much good stuff that I can easily be like “psht eff that person” and not give a crap about it.
My self-esteem is still in progress, but I think anyone is capable of changing their way of thinking. We’re neato animals, us humans.. We’re capable of healing ourselves, learning, and growing at every stage of life.
I love these posts. :] They’re very insightful and make me reflect on how I feel about that sort of topic too. I hope you have a good day Angela!!
Please share this with your readers, if you want. If I eat less than 2700 calories a day, I lose weight. I maintain a weight of 105 with 2700 calories a day. I do workout 90 minutes per day, but NEVER calorie torching cardio.
Peace.
Your Mother is SO right! Your blogs gets me through the tough times =] Your are such an AMAZING, inspirational, wise, beautiful, thoughtful, creative woman. YAY Angie! (I know your name is Angela, but I someone how always end up shortening names. I hope you don’t mind.) You Rock Lady!
Great post and I want to tattoo those mantras onto my arm LOL
I do compare myself constantly with “real” women I see on the street, friends, work, the gym etc. it kind of waxes and wanes depending on where I am with my body acceptance which seems to change from day to day. I have always had an “issue” with not liking my legs. Now that it is spring and more people are wearing skirts I find my eyes constantly going down to the legs and noticing all these great legs and lamenting how many are so short and stumpy. I almost never wear shorts or skirts even in the height of summer. I know intellecutally it is stupid and as someone who has been very very thin (unhealthily so) I know that being thin is NOT the key to happiness and that just because someone looks great doesn’t mean they are any happy or more fulfilled than I am.
Love reading everyone’s comments and see so many of us go through the same struggles. This is an area I really want/need to continue to work on.
Great conversation starter! :D
For the time being I can’t figure out a way to stop the comparison… but I try to use it for good rather than evil! When I see a woman with especially tight abs or muscular arms (that’s you dear!) I use it as a motivation to keep eating healthy and working out so that I can be proud of my own fit body in the mirror and know that my dedication paid off.
Comparing oneself can be so negative, but I’m truly trying to put a new spin on it in my own life, particularly in my weight training. When I see healthy, fit, muscular women I certainly compare myself to her and motivates me and drives me to work even harder.
Having been overweight for most of my life the scars of hurtful comments will always be there, but they lessen over time as I continue towards building my best body inside and out.
I actually found this site while searching for resources for eating disorder recovery. This particular post really “hit home” with me. I am incorporating many of the same values (of food, body image and healthy activity) into my recovery that shine through in your writing. Thank you for being a positive role model for women like me. It’s great to know that the kind of peace that you have with yourself is attainable.
Great post, Angela.
I think all women compare themselves to others from time to time. I think one of the keys to lessening the comparisons is to find that happiness and strength inside yourself. As some of your readers commented, even at their “lowest” weights…they weren’t healthy and happy. It is about recognizing our instrinsic value no matter what the scale says today. I think some of that comes with age and maturity…I know I am way happier with my body now at age 34 than I was in my 20’s or teens. I know that the “perfect body” does not bring happiness…and that there probably is no such thing as the “perfect body” anyway! We all need to remember the value within and be grateful for the amazing things that our healthy and strong bodies do for us each day.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post!